Children who have been disappointed are even less willing to wait

I think a lot of parents feel like this: the older the kids get, the harder it is to handle. So we often hear parents’ helpless voices that are almost desperate: Can you stop playing mobile games every day? Can you eat well instead of watching TV and eating at the same time? Can you stop fighting outside all the time? Could you please be quieter? Can you eat less snacks? Can you not buy so many toys? …Take the past few days as an example. Since I still had a little free time, I was alone in the study watching a movie that I had wanted to watch for a long time. My son was watching cartoons with his grandma in the living room. Usually there is a set TV time. If the child fails to comply, I will remind him and I will forget about it while watching it that day. As a result, when I said it was timeout and asked my son to turn off the TV. Unexpectedly, the little guy said directly, \”Dad, haven\’t you been watching for a long time? Why can\’t I?\” I was also choked for words. I know that children are always watching us and imitating the behavior of their parents. Boys, especially, like to imitate their father’s every move. So I don’t want to teach my children that playing mobile games is not good while playing mobile games. You can’t watch movies or TV shows by yourself and ask your children not to watch them. You can\’t lose your temper in front of your child, and then tell your child to control your temper and not get angry all the time. Parents themselves have no self-discipline. You cannot give your children a good upbringing. We cannot only ask for our children but not ourselves. Many times, when you want your children to be self-disciplined, you actually want them to be obedient and obedient, so that you can save yourself trouble. Instead, the child\’s inner feelings are ignored. Often it inadvertently hurts children\’s sense of self-independence and eventually becomes their parents\’ vassal. That\’s really pitiful. Only by cultivating children\’s true inner self-discipline is true love. Children\’s self-control is not innate, but often comes from the acquired environment. In particular, whether the parents themselves keep their promises and whether they can lead by example. In the 1960s and 1970s, Stanford University psychologist Walter Mischel conducted a series of famous \”marshmallow\” experiments. He recruited hundreds of 4-year-old children, and researchers took them into a room with a table with a marshmallow on it. The researchers told the children that they had something to do and had to leave for a while. If the children did not eat the marshmallow when they came back, they could get another marshmallow as a reward. If they did, there would be no reward. As a result, some children couldn\’t wait to eat it even seconds after the door was closed. Some waited for one minute, some waited for five minutes, and some even waited for thirteen minutes. A third of the children who didn\’t eat looked at the marshmallow, kept pushing it back, even took a lick, or distracted themselves by singing, kicking the table, or closing their eyes until the researcher came back. Fourteen years later, when the children who participated in the marshmallow experiment had entered high school, Mischel sent questionnaires to their parents and teachers. It was found that children who were not good at waiting generally had more behavioral problems, both at school and at home. Their SAT scores are poor, they are not good at coping with stressful situations, they have difficulty concentrating, and they cannot make friends. And canChildren who were able to wait 15 minutes had an average SAT score 210 points higher than those who could only wait 30 seconds. After the children entered their thirties, the two children also showed obviously different behaviors. Children who are not good at waiting are more likely to be overweight and addicted to drugs as adults. Those who are good at waiting generally achieve greater success and have fewer problems such as crime, obesity, and drug abuse. The story is not over. From the above experiments, we can see that children who can control themselves have a greater probability of excellence, but we have not seen what determines a child\’s self-control ability. Later, Celeste Kidd of the University of Rochester re-improved this experiment. Before introducing the \”marshmallow\” experiment, she divided the children into two groups, A and B, and asked the children to draw with her colleague. A box of used crayons was placed next to them. One colleague would tell the children, \”They can use these old crayons now, or wait a minute and she\’ll get some brand new, prettier ones.\” A few minutes later, the adult from Group A came back with brand new crayons; while the adult from Group B came back empty-handed, apologized to the children, and said, \”Sorry, I misremembered, we don\’t have new crayons.\” Same situation. It was repeated again, this time with the promise of new stickers. Again, the children in group A got new stickers, and the adults in group B apologized again. After these two early \”warm-ups\”, Kidd began to introduce the \”marshmallow\” experiment. The results were shocking: the children in Group A (the group whose adults kept their promises both times) were four times more likely to pass the test than the children in Group B. Through this experiment we see that children’s self-control is not entirely innate, it is acquired. It has a lot to do with whether the children\’s parents keep their promises to their children. In order for children to develop the habit of delaying gratification, they must learn self-discipline; in order for them to develop a sense of self-discipline and trust in a sense of security, parents must lead by example. I once saw a child who was a real headache for his parents. It is difficult for her to get along with the children around her. Because whenever she sees something she wants, she must get it immediately, even if it is someone else\’s toy, even if an adult promises to buy her one, she will never let go. Why is this happening? Because her grandparents often coaxed her. For example, to let her go home, but she doesn\’t want to go back and wants to continue playing. At this time, her grandma would pick her up and say, \”Your mother is back and bought you a lot of fun things. Go back quickly.\” At first, I found that she was very happy to go back. Of course, her mother was working outside and never came back. There are also many versions, such as \”Let\’s go back first and come back in a while.\” It turns out there is never such a thing as coming right away. Adults take pleasure in coaxing, but children can no longer tell which words are true? Later, I discovered that no matter what this grandma said, the child would not listen. The result was that he was forcibly taken away and had to be made obedient. Almost all children who cannot explain themselves have had the experience of being coaxed countless times by adults. It\’s just that they are too young to express their inner feelings. Some mothers said that sometimes I forget to fulfill my promises. And later also gave it to childrenZi apologized. Never think that apologizing can solve the problem! If parents fail to reflect on their basic attitude and change it. Eventually the child will stop trusting you. He wants to eat the snacks you give him in one sitting. When you turn on the TV, he doesn\’t believe the promise you made to watch it after dinner, so he cries when you turn it off. It\’s like the marshmallow test. Children who have been disappointed are even less willing to wait. Because they feel that instant gratification is real and waiting will only be ignored. If this continues for a long time, what kind of child will it raise? If parents break rules, children will despise them. There is a very good saying: It is better to show off than to shout. What parents ask their children to do, they must do it first, otherwise they have no right to ask their children to do so. In fact, children can feel the true dedication of parents. The biggest fear is that some parents tell their children I love you even though they clearly don\’t want to change. For example, because of your own temper, you vent your anger on your child, and then after a spanking and scolding, you tell your child that I love you and I\’m sorry. Of course, the child can only choose to forgive you, because there is no other way. But your love is always a false promise. Then your children will no longer trust you who always goes back on your word. At this point, your commitment becomes worthless. Your discipline becomes useless and even sarcastic. The basis of self-discipline is self-affirmation, finding self-worth and working hard for it. For a child, it is necessary to complete this important psychological growth. It would be impossible without parents’ intentions. We often spend time on things we enjoy. For example, if you like your favorite objects, you will keep them carefully and take care of them, and they will still look like new after a few years. We plant flowers and trees and water and fertilize them often if we like. For children, it takes more effort to accompany them. Children with self-discipline can have more confidence when facing our complex world. This is a spiritual gift from parents to their children. In fact, self-discipline is also a required course for every parent. Come on, lead by example and practice what you preach.