Communication methods between parents and adolescent children

Ever since my son entered adolescence, I don’t know which day started, but whenever he and I talked, we would quarrel. Especially when it comes to learning, the end result is always unhappy. I can\’t bear to see that he is already in the second grade of junior high school, and he still has a lot of problems that affect his study: he lacks enthusiasm and initiative in learning, and he will read on his mobile phone every chance he gets; he likes to procrastinate and is not efficient in homework; he is not concerned about his grades. , others can’t say anything about it, but they will brag and glare when they say it;… Just like this, in the vicious cycle of my discipline but he didn’t listen – I tried harder and he was even more dissatisfied, the final exam was imminent. It\’s time to take the exam, but my son\’s grades keep falling. The head teacher sent me a WeChat message, asking me to communicate more with my children, use snacks more, and work harder. But when it comes to studying, my son becomes particularly disgusted, and my relationship with my son becomes increasingly tense. That day, my son and I refused to give in and had a fierce confrontation over whether to study first and then look at the phone, or play with the phone for a while before studying. I asked my son to complete all the study tasks for today and then relax the rest of the time. But my son insisted on looking at my phone first, saying that I had \”many problems\” and \”awkward\”, and that I just liked to interfere with him and make him uncomfortable. The son lost control of his emotions during the quarrel and began to speak erratically. In a fit of anger, I slapped my son hard in the face. Duel? Don’t compete with adolescent children. High-definition scan and PDF download. Although I regretted it afterwards and apologized to my son, my son completely closed his heart to me. From that day on, whenever I spoke to my son, whether it was to tell him to eat, dress, or study, my son would impatiently close the door and refuse to tell me anything. In this kind of parent-child relationship and learning state, the son\’s grades are getting worse and worse. During that time, my anxiety kept me awake at night. I can’t figure out why my son, who did whatever I said when he was a child, now says nothing to me. If this continues, we will soon become enemies, and my son’s studies will be completely ruined! Faced with this child who is \”unsatisfied\” and has a strong sense of self, how should I educate him and how should I get along with him? Later, a friend who was a teacher told me that I should learn to withdraw myself from the current mother-child relationship and only need to provide basic guarantees for daily interactions: food, drink, housing, and transportation. That is to say: \”From now on, don\’t think of him as your biological son, and don\’t think of yourself as his biological mother.\” \”You think of him as a friend\’s child, please take care of him.\” \”Treat your friend\’s child as you would treat him.\” After trying to implement this for two weeks, I actually saw unimaginable changes in my son. First of all, when faced with my son\’s declining grades, I no longer lose my temper as usual and accuse my son of not paying attention and not working hard. Instead, calmly ask why and listen to his plan. If there is anything that needs my help, such as registering for online classes, purchasing materials, etc., I will fully support it; if it is something that I cannot solve, I will leave it to my son to handle it himself, and I will never push or interfere. Secondly, let go of all-round arrangements for your son. That day, due to the sudden drop in temperature, I caught the wind on the road and started to feel sick as soon as I got home.burn. In the past, no matter how uncomfortable I was, I would still struggle to prepare a nutritious dinner for my son. But in order for my son to become better, I let myself go and let go of my constant supervision of my son. Anyway, it’s not a big deal if he can’t eat four dishes and one soup for one meal. There is plenty of food at home, and my son won’t be hungry. After my son came home, he didn\’t care at all that there was no prepared meal, but hurriedly found me some medicine. He poured some water, watched me finish the medicine, and then told me that I wanted to eat. Tell him, and he gave me some noodles. Then, I grabbed two pieces of bread and went back to my room to study. This scene moved me deeply. In fact, at heart, my son is still the same as when he was a child, a warm little man who likes to care about and take care of his mother. But why should I use wrong education methods to force him to lose? From that day on, our Cold War atmosphere was completely broken. Gradually, my son was willing to listen to what I said, and his grades also improved significantly. From being tired of learning and being rebellious to being positive and harmonious, I am extremely happy with my son\’s change. However, I understand that behind the transformation of the parent-child relationship, there are actually two directions that I need to continue to adjust in the future. The first direction: from constantly losing temper and reasoning with children to a peaceful and accepting way of getting along with them. Many parents repeatedly jump between two common methods when communicating with their children: first, they use every opportunity to reason with their children; if the children don\’t listen, or the results are not good, the parents will start the blaming mode and lose their temper with the children. But no matter which one it is, it will not get the result that the parents want in the end. This is because when communicating with others, the content you say only accounts for 7% of the total effect of communication, and the rest is determined by your tone and attitude. When parents communicate with their children, if their expressions are disappointed and angry, and their tone sounds sharp and reprimanding, then all the children will feel is noise and anger. Even if the parents\’ original intention is for the good of their children and the principles are very correct, in the end it will not have any effect. The most children can say is: \”Okay, I got it!\” In fact, they don\’t listen at all. I thought about the previous scenes when I communicated with my son, which usually went like this: I was first dissatisfied with my son’s state, so I started urging and preaching, but he turned a deaf ear; my son’s confrontational state made me angry, so I increased the intensity of discipline and started to Accusing and reprimanding mode; when my son is annoyed, he yells \”get out\”, \”can you please stop bothering me\”, \”stop talking!\”… Thinking about it now, my son\’s rebellious psychology is actually caused by my wrong communication method. inspired. Every day when I see him, he starts asking questions about study in three sentences, even when eating: \”Hurry up and do your homework after eating, don\’t delay.\” \”You have to hurry up, you have to have a sense of urgency in your heart, it will be the third year of junior high school soon.\” .\” The single and lacking communication method makes children feel only questioning and preaching from morning to night every day. Their ears are filled with scores and studies, and they bear too much negative energy and have no way to hide. Adolescent children have gradually developed their own opinions. Parents\’ \”reasoning\” and \”losing their temper\” not only have no effect, but will insteadDestroy the parent-child relationship. At this time, if parents can let go of their anxious mentality and use a calm tone and expression to face their children, they will find that reason and violence cannot be exchanged, but tolerance and acceptance can. The second direction: From focusing only on test scores to putting parent-child relationship first. There is a \”water management theory\” that can be used for reference in the parent-child relationship. That is, if you want water to flow smoothly, you must first ensure that the water pipes are smooth. Similarly, the relationship between parents and children is like a pipe and water. If the parent-child relationship is close and harmonious, then the children will be willing to listen to what the parents say; if the parent-child relationship is tense and antagonistic, then the children will reject whatever the parents say. Only when the parent-child relationship is good can education be effective. In the past, on the way to pick up my son from school, I would always use this half-hour to educate my son in every possible way. Instructions on study habits, comparison with other children\’s children, and lectures on the significance of studying hard for the future… often resulted in an impatient \”Can you please let me be quiet for a while!\” from my son. Now, during this time on the road, I only have no purpose with my son. Chatting casually. Sometimes I talk about the difficulties I encounter at work and ask my son to help me make up my mind; or I ask my son for his opinion on which electrical appliances should be replaced at home and which brand to choose. What touches me is that when walking on the road, my son will take the initiative to help me carry things. In the process of communicating with my son, I found that he has his own observations and opinions on many things, and he can also analyze the reasons logically. It turns out that my child is actually quite good, but when I focused on his academic performance, I automatically ignored his shining points. When I put down the \”utilitarian\” theory of achievement and fully accepted my son, my son also let go of his guard, and the relationship between mother and son became more and more harmonious. I am deeply aware of children’s desire to be seen, accepted, and recognized. In daily life, we often only see the shortcomings of our children and focus on how to correct and change them. But they ignored the bright spots in their children and forgot to give encouragement and praise in time. If you want to get into the heart of a child and exert your parents\’ influence, the best and only way is to give him the recognition and respect he wants, and give him trust and time to grow. During this process, I gradually realized that arrogant and stubborn parents would only keep blaming their children, but they never thought that it was they who did not understand education, which led to the breakdown of the parent-child relationship; while sober and wise parents saw their children After problems arise, they will actively learn and change their education methods to heal their children and improve relationships. I remember a parent-child education expert said: \”The parent-child relationship is the most trustworthy relationship for children in the world. If this relationship is destroyed, parents will not be able to support their children if something happens to them in the future. Because children will not look for parents. Tell us that parents want to help but can’t, that’s our failure as parents.” When we don’t regard our children as our own, but as “tasks” entrusted to us by our friends, we will be surprised to find: Let go Control, and children will grow spontaneously in freedom; give up criticism, and children will progress in appreciation. Parental identity, from child to childIt starts the moment we are born; but to do this role well requires a lifetime of practice. Now, I continue to adjust my education methods, reflect and improve, and not only have the relationship with my son become closer and closer, but I have also gradually awakened his inner passion for learning and life. I also hope that parents like me who are anxious about their children\’s learning and growth can make changes so that their children can grow up freely and enthusiastically. mutual encouragement.