Compared with divorce, this is what hurts the children the most

\”My son would rather stay downstairs feeding mosquitoes than go home.\” A relative in the family group cried early in the morning. As early as the day before yesterday, she complained that her son had been coming home late after school these past few days, would not answer her phone calls, and would lock herself in the room as soon as he entered. When asked what he was doing, he made a stinky face and said nothing. \”Is this the beginning of rebellion?\” We all came up with ideas in the group, and finally unanimously suggested: follow him once, and you\’ll know what\’s going on. She really followed up last night and found that the child did not go to play after school. Instead, he ran to a tree in the corner of the community, sat in a daze, and stayed there until almost nine o\’clock before returning home. \”The community is stuffy and hot, and there are a lot of mosquitoes, but he is willing to stay and doesn\’t want to go home.\” The relative was very depressed. In the early morning, she told us in the group that her child cried under her repeated questioning and said to her: \”I want to think about those terrible things you said.\” It turned out that the couple had been absent from work a few days ago. Because of Shun, he was in a bad mood and always quarreled. She admitted that when the argument got to the point where the two of them couldn\’t help but say some cruel words: \”Are you sick?\” \”Why do you follow such a wimp like you?\” \”It\’s really boring to live with you, it\’s better to be alone.\” \”Why don\’t you die?\” \”You go away or I go away\”… They were all said in anger, but to the child, every sentence was a thunder that exploded in the heart and could not calm down for a long time. We often quarrel over trivial matters, forget to speak properly, and uncontrollably accuse, threaten, and even physically attack each other. While we talk too loudly and hurt our feelings, we never thought that such unscrupulous remarks are actually a kind of Verbal violence. Children who have witnessed their parents not speaking well and using verbal violence for a long time will not only worry about the relationship between their parents, but also suffer huge psychological trauma. Mom and Dad, please stop arguing. Some netizens said that they feel like they can no longer talk to their significant other properly and want to quarrel every time they open their mouths. Indeed, when facing those closest to us, we are often outspoken and even speak harshly, and it seems difficult to speak well. And if couples don\’t talk well, the children will be hurt more. Someone asked on Zhihu: What do you do when your parents quarrel? The subject of the question said that for more than ten years, his parents have never had a good conversation with each other. My father came home late, and my mother scolded: \”Where did he die again?\” My father replied: \”I can go wherever I want, do you care?\” There was too much salt in the cooking, and my father accused: \”I want to die, I want to go.\” You want to salt me ​​to death, don’t you? Salt costs money, doesn’t it?” My mother refused to accept it and said, “Just be more careful next time, what are you doing?” The shoes were washed late, and my father shouted: “You put salt in the cooking.” \”I forgot to wash my shoes, what on earth can you do?\” Mom said back: \”You are sick, you can\’t talk properly, don\’t make a fuss!\” Arguments started one after another…and each of these words was more unpleasant than the last. Conversations never shy away from children. She told her mother that every time she looked at them like that, she didn\’t want to live, wanted to run away, wanted to hide. But my mother never took her words seriously. After living in such an environment for a long time, she herself became silent and timid, especially afraid of communicating with others, and even more afraid of arguing with others. In fact, they are all ordinary and trivial things.But when the words came out of her parents\’ mouths, they became verbal violence that was more hurtful than a knife, making the child feel frightened and uneasy. Even if the parents reconcile later, the negative impact on the child will still exist, because the child witnessed the two closest people using verbal violence to hurt each other. Neurological research has found that when children hear yelling or yelling, their stress hormones spike. Being in an insecure environment for a long time, with constant anxiety and depression, some children will become inferior, sensitive, timid, distrustful of others, and some will become irritable and irritable. Either way, it\’s heart-wrenching. A classmate in junior high school once secretly told me that every time she saw her parents quarreling and scolding each other in vicious words, she couldn\’t help but pinch and bite herself, and she even had other extreme thoughts. The survey found that 32% of children whose parents often quarreled had psychological problems, and 30% of children from divorced families. Children are more directly harmed by witnessing verbal violence between their parents than by divorce. For the sake of your children, speak up. Mom and Dad, don\’t stop talking. Compared with verbal violence that attacks each other with fierce words, cold violence that involves parents being indifferent, indifferent to each other, and reducing verbal communication to a minimum is equally destructive to children. In \”The Story of Youth\”, a boy named Wang Xianlu cried out his troubles: My father and mother are having a cold war. He deliberately recorded how many words they said during the day, and found out sadly that they only spoke no more than five sentences a day, and each sentence lasted no longer than five seconds. He said that the Cold War had a great impact on him, and he felt like a sandwich cookie in the middle. He hopes that the two people he loves the most can live in peace and talk to each other. He cried and shouted to his parents in the audience: \”Can you please stop the cold war? This makes me so sad.\” His parents watched in the audience, smiling at first. After hearing the content of his son\’s shouting, their smiles gradually After disappearing, my father looked solemn, and my mother even wiped away tears. They did not expect that the cold violence easily carried out between husband and wife could inadvertently cause harm to their children. Psychologist Liu Jiji conducted a survey of more than 2,000 families in four major cities, Beijing, Tianjin, Wuhan, and Changsha, and found that more than 70% of families have experienced varying degrees of \”cold violence.\” The existence of cold violence, while mentally abusing the other half, is more like an invisible knife that stabs the child\’s heart. Parents ignore each other like enemies, and the atmosphere at home is repressed. Children will feel fearful and worried about their relationship with their parents. Some children may even cry and make noises to attract their parents\’ attention. Bi Shumin said in \”Family Questions\”: Children who grow up in a chaotic and ugly atmosphere are the painful products of shoddy families. The first thing they see and get used to at home is brokenness, displacement, roughness and cruelty. For the sake of your children, speak up. Speaking well is the source of family happiness. Stephen Covey wrote in \”Seven Habits of Highly Effective Families\”: We are used to yelling at our family members, blaming them without understanding, giving orders without communicating, and failing to learn. We know how to say thank you, but we don’t know how to apologize. We all feel that we have paid too much for our family life, but we have ignored the most critical point.——Communicate effectively. Communicate effectively to avoid disputes. The suspense novelist Agatha Christie described her parents in her autobiography: her father was easy-going, lazy and happy to enjoy life, while her mother was the complete opposite, \”a depressed person by nature.\” Just like this, two completely different people lived together harmoniously, giving Agatha a happy family. The reason is that even if they have different opinions, they communicate peacefully and rarely quarrel. My father once commented that my mother lacked a sense of humor. My mother was not offended by this accusation. She responded in a tactful tone: \”It\’s just because I think your stories are boring, Fred.\” Her gentle and witty retort made her laugh. My father laughed loudly. My mother bought a house in Torquay without permission. My father, who originally wanted to settle in the United States, was a little depressed, but he didn\’t lose his temper or argue. Instead, he calmly communicated with his mother: \”Why do you do that?\” \”Because I like it.\” That house.\” After learning the reason, he respected his wife\’s choice, and he quickly fell in love with Torquay and that house. Her parents\’ love made Agatha proud: they had accomplished a rare achievement – a happy marriage. She also lamented in her autobiography: My childhood was happy, and the greatest luck in life is to have a happy childhood. Liu Yong once said that good and bad words can only be said in a moment. Try to say bad words easily, harsh words softly, harsh words softly, urgent words slowly, and keep the words deep in your heart. My friend Hua Zi probably knows this very well. Otherwise, how could he be so good at talking and coaxing his wife to be happy? The two have been in love for more than ten years. The wife said, \”Why can\’t you even cut potatoes into shreds?\” The friend replied, \”I can\’t cut potatoes, but I will love you and love you.\” The wife said, \”Where\’s the soy sauce I asked you to buy? Did you forget it again?\” The friend laughed and said, \”Because I want to go shopping with you.\” The wife said, \”Why don\’t you mop the floor? Are you lazy?\” The friend replied, \”I\’m afraid you\’ll slip. I\’ll mop it after you go out.\” Language is magical. A few words strung together into one sentence can bring people the coldness of winter and the warmth of spring. He talks well and makes his wife feel loved for decades. At the same time, their son has been influenced by him all year round. He has extremely high emotional intelligence and popularity at a young age and has rarely blushed with his classmates. Every time I go to their home, it is very lively because there are always many classmates coming to play with his son – even the children like the atmosphere of their home. I once saw a saying like this: A gentle answer makes anger subside; a harsh word stirs up anger. In fact, it means to speak softly and speak well. Parents who speak well can have a positive influence on their children, and at the same time, children can also feel happiness, love and a sense of security from the relationship between their parents. From now on, listen carefully, put yourself in someone else\’s shoes, stay calm, gentle and calm, and then talk nicely. This is the best example and the best family tradition you can give your children. It is also the beginning of a family and happiness.