Dealing with adolescent children: This is what children need

I have written a lot of articles about getting along during adolescence. The core purpose of accepting, understanding, accompanying, and loving children is actually one, which is to let parents establish a good relationship with their children first. Only when the relationship is good can you communicate. If the relationship is not good, no matter how good the relationship is, it will be useless. Today I share the deep needs of children. Children need their parents to see the desire behind their behavior. The famous American psychologist Satya invented the iceberg theory, which is an effective tool to help explore ourselves and increase awareness. Let us not stay at the behavioral level to solve problems, but to be aware of the deep psychological needs behind behaviors and emotions. and causes. What is the iceberg theory? Iceberg theory: It means that a person\’s \”self\” is like an iceberg. What we can see is only a small part of the surface – that is, behavior, while the larger part is hidden deeper and cannot be seen by others. Just like an iceberg. Those behavioral manifestations that can be seen by the outside world are only a small part of the surface of the water, while the larger mountain hidden under the water is the \”inner\” that has been suppressed for a long time and ignored by us. 02 The inner iceberg includes seven levels of behavior, coping styles, feelings, opinions, expectations, desires, and self. When it comes to communication methods with children, we look at them layer by layer. Level 1: Behavior. For example, children are addicted to mobile phones, talk back, slam doors, fight, and procrastinate. These are all manifestations you see, which are behaviors. This is also a sticking point for many parents. When you see these behaviors, you want to change the child, and the child wants to fight. The second level: coping methods. Communication mode: blame, please, reason, interrupt, consistent communication. I wrote in a previous article about dealing with adolescent children: the four principles, and most parents are stuck in the four principles. There is no consistent communication. The third level: feelings. Behind every action is a feeling, an emotion that arises. The action of slamming the door must be driven by an emotion, such as anger or boredom. The fourth level: point of view. Opinion is also called cognition. For example, your parents say you should do your homework quickly. The child has a perception that you are controlling me and you don\’t trust me. Level 5: Expectation. When parents interfere with their children, the children have an inner expectation that their parents will trust me. Level 6: Desire. I long for my parents to love me. Don\’t always ask me to control me. I long for my parents to care about me, be curious about my affairs, and be able to chat with me. Level 7: Self-realization. Adolescent children have a strong sense of self. Will he wonder who I am? What ideals do I have and what goals do I have? Who do I want to be? How do I realize intrinsic value? 03 Then let’s integrate these seven layers from the inside out, and go up layer by layer from the depths of the iceberg. I express these seven levels of content from a child\’s perspective and understand the child\’s needs. What kind of person do I want to be? I want to realize my own value and complete my social mission. During this process, I longed for the love and care of my parents. I expect my parents to connect my life. Seeing me as a person is not about controlling, expecting, or relying on me to realize my parents’ dreams. I hope my parents can stand in my shoes, understand me and help me. Being able to feel what I feel, being able to understand my thoughts, my perspective, being able to stand with me, lead me. I want parents to be true parents and express themselves with consistency. Parents can express fears, concerns. But don\’t express that you are good for me and have made a lot of sacrifices for me. This makes me feel guilty and like I\’m not good enough. When I feel like I\’m not good enough, I can\’t handle many of my emotions and have nowhere to put them. So I talked back to my parents the way they treated me. To relieve my loneliness, helplessness, powerlessness, frustration, and relieve my stress. Above, I put myself from the child’s perspective and let everyone see what the child’s real needs are. Children need a support system to grow. When this support system is counterproductive, the child feels helpless, has no goals, and is in a state of confusion. At this time, children will fall into games on mobile phones. Being on a mobile phone can relieve your emotions and give you a sense of recognition and control. Therefore, when communicating with children, parents should let go of their own expectations and understand their children at all levels. When you see your children, you will see their difficulties and their hard work. Many parents asked me to recommend books about adolescence. I recommend this book. Only by understanding emotions and the reasons behind them can they open their children\’s hearts and communicate well.