\”Determined without hostility, affectionate without temptation\” these 14 words hide the secrets of parenting knowledge

The famous autopsychologist Kohut has a famous saying that is widely circulated in the psychology community: \”Determination without hostility, affection without temptation.\” I have known this sentence for more than ten years, but it was not until recently that I really understood it. Completely understand what it means. Resoluteness without hostility Let’s talk about “resoluteness without hostility” first. Recommended scientific parenting books. I really hope my parents have read this book. Download the electronic version. Many parents often ignore boundaries when dealing with their children because of their close relationship. Because of their status as parents, they believe that they have absolute \”leadership\” over their children. and \”right to rule.\” When children want to break their parents\’ boundaries or principles, parents will blackface, threaten, accuse, get angry, beat and scold… At this time, what is conveyed is \”hostile determination\”. In such a response , the child feels controlled and suppressed, and hostility will arouse hostility, so it is easy to fall into confrontation. In the confrontation between parents and children, we will find that this is a lose-lose situation. Hostility cannot suppress hostility. On the contrary, it can bring about greater hostility. In serious cases, it can even turn against one another. (I believe we and our children have all had such moments.) Therefore, in the face of this situation, we are not going to suppress hostility, but to resolve hostility. And \”determination without hostility\” is the best way to resolve hostility in a relationship: gently adhere to the principles and boundaries of being a parent, use an accepting state to understand the child\’s feelings, and express the parent\’s position in a way that does not harm the child. . Hostility arouses hostility, but hostility does not suppress hostility. Once, when I was passing by a toy store, I saw this scene: A boy passed by the toy store and was attracted by the dazzling array of toys. He pulled his mother to go in and buy it. At first, the mother refused calmly, but the boy couldn\’t do it and insisted on buying it, so he used all his strength to force his mother to go in. My mother became angry and scolded: \”If you say you won\’t buy it, you won\’t buy it. You just bought a toy a few days ago. It\’s like this every time. You only play with it for a few days and then throw it aside. Look at how many toys you have at home now. When I saw it, I wanted to throw it away for you. Why did I buy so many toys?!\” (Returning old accounts) The child heard his mother\’s words and started crying and punched and kicked his mother. When my mother saw this situation, she became even more angry, then slapped her and yelled: \”Your wings are hard, right? How dare you do it? Get back here and see if I don\’t beat you to death. I\’m sure you are.\” I owed you everything in my previous life, so I’m just a debt collector.” (Threat of physical attack + personal attack) He cursed and dragged the child away all the way. In the face of the boy\’s demands, the mother\’s hostility did not seem to be able to suppress the boy\’s demands. On the contrary, it brought about deeper hostility in the child. The above thing is actually very simple, it\’s just that the mother refuses to buy toys for her children. The mother had every reason and position to refuse, but her method was wrong. The \”hostility\” she showed led to the escalation of the incident, so her determination was \”hostile.\” So how to use \”determination without hostility\” to resolve conflicts between parents and children? Girl asks her mother willfullyI bought her a Barbie doll, and after her mother refused, the girl directly threatened, \”If you don\’t buy it for me, I won\’t do my homework, and I won\’t eat the food either!\” Notice, at this time, the mother\’s \”determination without hostility\” textbook version The demonstration is like this: \”Nanny, mom will definitely not buy it this time because you already have one. But what mom wants to tell you is that if you feel depressed, emotional, and refuse to eat because of this, mom also understands. Mom will stay with you.\” When she finished saying this, she found that the child immediately put away the open thorns. This mother does not fight (the child\’s) hostility with hostility, but uses non-hostile firmness to resolve (the child\’s) hostility. This attitude helps children understand that not buying you a Barbie doll is not because your mother doesn\’t love you, but that your mother just refuses to buy a Barbie doll. Many times, the reason why children become angry and hostile when they are rejected is not because of the act of rejection itself, but because of their inner fear, anger, or worry about whether their parents don’t love me anymore. If a child can be sure that he is safe and has always been loved by his parents, he will naturally not be angry if a toy/thing is rejected. When parents\’ firmness contains no hostility but only gentleness, it neither hurts the children\’s dignity nor makes them feel unloved, and the children\’s hostility can naturally be resolved. Let the child know that \”my parents love me, but this matter cannot satisfy me for the time being.\” Gently but firmly convey to the child: \”I love you, but I can\’t.\” Therefore, firmness without hostility is the best boundary principle. Recommended classic parenting books: Zheng Yefu’s Educational Pathology in Our Country pdf download Deep affection without temptation Let’s take a look again at what is “affection without temptation”. \”affectionate\” means that parents love and appreciate their children from the bottom of their hearts; \”temptation\” means \”conditions\” and \”seduce\”. We can simply understand this sentence as \”loving children without any (prerequisite/additional) conditions.\” Many parents unconsciously love their children with \”conditions\”. For example, if a child\’s test scores are good, the parents will be happy and they will be happy with the child; if the child\’s academic performance declines, the parents will think there is something wrong with the child, and they will not have any good feelings towards the child. I saw a post before #seriously asking, if we are completely disappointed with our children, how should we live the rest of our lives? #In the post, the poster said, \”I want to emotionally separate from my child\” and \”Let him fend for himself after his study career is over.\”… Behind this post and the 20 pages of comments, most of the people standing were \”I don\’t care about my child.\” Conditional love” parents. When their children do not turn out as they expected, they become disheartened and feel that their children do not deserve their years of hard work and love. What is the best love that parents can give their children? It is affectionate without temptation: \”I am good to you from the bottom of my heart. I do not ask for anything in return. I love you under any circumstances.\” There is such a video of a father-daughter conversation on YouTube: This father While joking with my daughter, my daughter suddenly lost her temper. However, the father did not become unhappy because of this.Instead of being patient, or yelling at the child: \”It\’s just a joke, why are you taking it so seriously?\” Instead, he squatted down, looked level with his daughter, and then had a calm and gentle conversation. He taught the child \”how to live with emotions\”; told the child \”it\’s okay to be angry\”; and at the same time taught her \”to tell others where your bottom line is first\”. The sentence that touched me the most was when the father said to his daughter: \”You are still loved. You are still safe.\” This father did not yell or get angry at his daughter because she couldn\’t take a joke, but told the child: I I won’t stop loving you just because “you got angry because you were joking.” No matter what, I love you and you are always safe. Finally, the child\’s angry mood was successfully calmed down, and he kissed his father and went for a walk together. Therefore, deep affection without temptation is the best attitude of love. 36 Chen Meiling’s Parenting Methods MP3 to Let Your Child Go Directly to Top Universities [Complete] The underlying logic behind this sentence: Unconditional acceptance Kohut believes that the development of individual self-personality comes from feedback from intimate relationships. When parents give their children \”unconditional acceptance\”, the children will experience sufficient security, their instincts will flow out overwhelmingly, and they will not worry about being attacked, excluded, suppressed, ridiculed, or retaliated. The essence of the sentence \”determination without hostility, affection without temptation\” is: unconditional acceptance. \”Determination without hostility\” is acceptance, including accepting the child\’s feelings, stance, psychological needs, emotions, and even the \”hostility\” generated when being rejected; \”affection without temptation\” is unconditional, \”No matter what you look like , Mom and Dad both love you.\” However, when unconditionally accepting a child, one thing to note is that \”treating people and not doing things\” makes it clear that what we parents unconditionally accept is the child himself (including his emotions, feelings and psychological needs), not all the child\’s behaviors. There must be clear boundaries and principles in everything. Once the child\’s request \”crosses the boundary\”, we must return to the step of \”non-hostile determination\”. Let the child feel that \”my parents always love me, but they are not allowed to do this\”, which can also help the child establish boundaries and a sense of principle. Moreover, when parents respond to their children\’s needs (material/emotional/educational, etc.) with \”firmness without hostility and affection without temptation\”, parents form a stable personality, and this personality trait will help their children Form a well-functioning psychological structure. Then the child will be more accepting of his own truth and calmly face the truth of others (for example, when others reject him, the child will not feel sad because of the rejection, thinking \”Is it because I am not good enough that others rejected me\”, but From the bottom of my heart, I think \”it\’s normal for others to reject me, it\’s not my problem\”). In the parent-child relationship, how many children are afraid of the hostile determination of their parents in \”women\’s singles, men\’s singles and mixed games\”; how many children hate the seductive affection in their parents\’ words \”I am doing this for your own good!\” because of this Under such deep affection, the child feels suffocated and depressed, which eventually becomes a poison that destroys the parent-child relationship. hopeEach of our parents can accept their children unconditionally and treat them with \”firmness without hostility and affection without temptation.\” Have you accepted your children unconditionally? The world\’s best-selling parenting book recommendation: You are your child\’s best toy pdf+mp3