Do you know the consequences of always comparing other people’s children?

One night a few years ago, Chengzi had a video chat with his grandma. Across the screen, Chengzi demonstrated to grandma the Peking Opera aerobics they had learned. Grandma said, \”It\’s such a great dance, but your mother can\’t…\” I was doing housework nearby and listened to their conversation without a word. After a while, Chengzi showed some movements to grandma again, and grandma said again: \”That\’s great, your mother can\’t do this.\” I couldn\’t help but leaned over and said, \”Why do you keep talking about me when you are talking about yours?\” \”It\’s a small thing, but these two sentences from grandma moved my heart and I thought about it for a long time. Many times, when I see the relationship between my grandparents and Cheng Zi, it is like \”archeology\”. From the way they treat Cheng Zi, I can vaguely find some traces of my own growth and infer how they educated me. Generally speaking, my parents gave me a very relaxed education. In my memory, I have never been scolded or beaten. I am very grateful that my parents gave me a relaxed, democratic and respectful growth environment so that my body and mind could grow up healthily – they have done the best they can. Of course, as people in society, they are not immune to the limitations of their generation and that era that advocated collectivity. For example, compare. They would consciously or unconsciously compare me with the children next door, with my colleagues’ children, with my study, with my housework, with my conduct, and with my cheerful personality. Of course, they may not realize that they are comparing, and they just mention in casual chat: Whose children are like. The speaker is unintentional, but the listener is intentional. Slowly, I understand what the ideal children in my parents\’ minds are like, and I will work hard to do better than those children. It’s just that I can’t always have the upper hand in comparison. In some aspects, I do better than others, such as studying, I feel quite proud and feel that I am a good child. In some aspects, I am not as good as others, such as being introverted and not good at socializing, so I feel bad about myself. One consequence of this kind of comparison is that I become less confident and feel that I am not good enough. Because my sense of self-worth comes from comparison – if I am better than others, I will develop a sense of superiority and feel that I am valuable. If I am not as good as others, I will feel that I am worthless and unworthy of others treating me well. More importantly, that sense of superiority is actually false and vulnerable. As long as I change to a more powerful comparison object, I will immediately change from being complacent to feeling inferior. If I hadn’t studied psychology and had no self-awareness, I might never have been able to discover my comparison mentality in my entire life. It was only when I was in my thirties that I discovered that I had always had a balance in my heart, and I always compared myself with others on the scale. When I meet someone, I can\’t help but weigh the other person\’s status, experience, personality, etc. in my mind. If you feel that you have a psychological advantage in comparison, you will feel relaxed. If you feel that you are inferior to the other person and at a disadvantage, you will be more reserved and always worry that the other person will see your \”badness\”. Others may not be able to see anything on the surface, but only you know these inner dramas best. Complacency and inferiority are tossed up and down like a seesaw every day. It’s really tiring. I remember, a few yearsA few days ago, I had dinner with some of my girlfriends. While chatting, I praised my friend half politely and half sincerely: \”You did a great job.\” After saying this several times (I didn\’t even realize it), a girlfriend said to me: \”Why do you always feel that others are so stupid?\” Well, you are very good yourself!\” At that time, I was stunned for a moment and thought seriously: \”Am I very good? I don\’t think I am doing very well!\” Later I understood why I thought that way: The goodness I see in others comes from comparing myself with myself. Therefore, being good to others means that you are not good enough. This lack of confidence is deep-rooted and omnipresent, even when faced with a child of several years old. From that chat between my grandma and Chengzi, I discovered that when I praised Chengzi, I always ended with something like: You are better than me. For example: \”Wow, the paper airplane you made is awesome, but I can\’t do it.\” \”How did you do it? I didn\’t even expect it.\” Orange did a good job, I can just praise him directly, why do I always have to add What about this sentence? I saw my own comparison heart and my own sense of low worth – I couldn\’t help but elevate others and belittle myself, even my own children. A few years ago, after I became aware of this internal pattern in myself, I began to notice it consciously. Whenever I felt like comparing, I would remind myself: \”Hey! You are comparing again.\” This pattern has been with me for decades and has become deeply ingrained. Many times, even if you are aware of it, you cannot control yourself. Subliminal comparison has almost become an automatic reaction. You clearly know that this is not good and you shouldn’t do it, but you just can’t do it. That feeling is very frustrating. However, by insisting on being aware again and again, the comparison gradually faded away. Today, I have become much better. I feel more and more like I am slowly coming to life. The so-called living well means not caring so much about external standards of judgment, not caring so much about other people\’s opinions, having a firm mind, knowing one\’s own strengths and weaknesses, and accepting both the good and the bad – that\’s how I am. What’s good about me, I will continue to carry it forward. I also admit my weaknesses, but I will work hard to improve them, and that\’s okay. When you come to terms with yourself and don\’t get upset inside, you will be much smoother. Moreover, I discovered that people cannot be compared. You are good in this aspect and he is good in that aspect. How can there be an accurate comparison? What\’s more, where does this standard of so-called good and bad come from? If you think about it carefully, these standards often come from mainstream values, and even from some taken-for-granted assumptions and prejudices. So, why do you say this is good and that is not good? In the past few years, I have gradually discovered that everyone has their brilliance and everyone has their helplessness. There is no absolute black and white in this world, but various shades of gray. The so-called Good and bad are all mixed together. I began to learn to appreciate a person\’s shining points and understand a person\’s helplessness. I practice no longer judging a person, just seeing that he has this and that quality. The starting point of appreciation is: I am good, and so are you. The starting point of compassion is: I know my own difficulties, and I have also seen your difficulties.not easy. When I no longer compare, I feel a sense of relief. I don\’t tie myself and the other person into an antagonistic and competitive relationship, and I don\’t get kidnapped by other people\’s eyes or my own comparison. I do my best, and I know that I am good and valuable – I just know this, and I don’t need external things to prove it, nor do I need to be better than others to prove it. Once you have the desire to prove it, it means you still don’t believe that you are good. Of course, I have not achieved a complete enlightenment, nor can I completely avoid comparison. Marx himself has long said that human beings are the sum total of all social relations, and are in various social relations from birth to death. It is difficult to do so without comparison at all. I can compare myself with myself and do better than my past self, and that’s good. More importantly, when I confirm that I am valuable, comparison becomes less important to me. Comparison means that everyone is crowded on the same track, and whoever reaches the finish line first wins. However, life is not just one track, nor is it the only criterion for winning or losing. Life is a journey. Some people climb mountains, some wade in rivers, and some walk through forests. The roads are different, the scenery along the way, and the gains along the way are different. How to compare, what to compare? When you think about this clearly, comparison will lose its meaning to you. You suddenly feel that comparing back and forth is quite boring. Comparison means evaluation, means competition, and treating the other party as the opposite. Comparison also means lack of self-confidence. You don’t think you are good, so you look for your own value in others, and this “other” is not fixed. What you think about yourself is good or bad, which changes with others. What changes is that you lack a constant sense of value for yourself. After all, you are not confident. It took me decades to see this pattern and slowly free myself from it, and I don\’t want my children to follow the same path. I told Chengzi: You are you, others are others, everyone is different, we should not compare with others. I think Orange got what I meant. At least, it planted a seed for him not to compare or judge. Sometimes, in order to motivate him, adults will say: \”Look at so-and-so, he can eat twenty dumplings in one meal.\” Sometimes, we will blurt out in emotion: \”Look at whose children are like you?\” Orange would say: \”I am me, he is him, I don\’t compare with others.\” I am very happy that Orange answered this way.