Do you like to threaten children? Smart parents have better ways to deal with disobedient children

\”Put down the stick! I\’ll count to three. If you don\’t put it down, you won\’t be able to eat tonight!\” \”Go to bed now. If you watch TV again, I\’ll throw the TV away!\” \”Stop! If you don\’t stop, , I will let you have good fruits to eat!\” \”Don\’t cry! If you cry again, you won\’t be allowed to go out to play for a week!\” \”If you don\’t pack your toys properly, I won\’t buy you any toys from now on!\” \” If you don’t finish your meal, I won’t like (love) you!” “If you run around again, the police will come to arrest you!” In life, have you ever been so angry with your children that you couldn’t help but threaten them? when? I believe that such threats, large and small, occur more or less every day. The question is, is this really good for children? Let’s look at two situations. For children who have a tendency to surrender, in many cases, it really works. As soon as the child is threatened, they will immediately fall into the trap and do it obediently. Some parents have tried this trick repeatedly and become addicted to it. However, frequent threats to children will reduce their self-esteem and self-confidence and hinder the formation of independent personality. In the end, they will develop a submissive character. This is obviously not the best outcome we wanted to see. Some parents do not manage their emotions well. When they see that their children do not do what they say, they loudly give orders to their children. They do not allow their authority to be challenged. They unconsciously vent their emotions on their children and seek the pleasure of \”winning\”. . In fact, what if we win the child? If a child does something not to obey his parents, but to please his parents, then his life will be so sad, and he will never be able to live out himself, and he may still have hatred, contradictions and confusion hidden in his heart. There is also a kind of child who is born with a rebellious spirit, and threats are not a good strategy. This type of child will become more and more courageous when faced with threats. The more you threaten them, the more they want to challenge your bottom line and fight to the end. for example. Tiger mother Amy Chua once described a story about educating her little daughter Lulu in an interview with NPR. One day she tried to teach the 3-year-old Lulu to practice piano. Her daughter was unwilling to do as she asked and got angry while banging the keys hard. In order to make her daughter obey, Amy Chua threatened her: \”Look at how cold it is with the snow outside. If you scream again and don\’t do what I say, I will throw you outside!\” Usually this kind of threat is very harmful to her. It\’s quite useful for my daughter, but what about Lulu? The 3-year-old glanced at her mother, opened the door and walked outside (without a coat). Seeing her daughter\’s rebellious move, Amy Chua panicked. She didn\’t expect that Lulu was not afraid of her threat at all. Soon it was her turn to beg her daughter to come in, but Lulu shook her head disdainfully and said she would not come in. In the end, Amy Chua had to serve her daughter with hot chocolate and cake, begging her to come in… For children who are not easily frightened by threats, the result of threats is often that the parents themselves slap themselves in the face – because the parents simply cannot do what they say. In the end, the child gained the upper hand in the said threat, and the parents had to give in in embarrassment. How many times have I broken my promise like this?If there are too many, the children will pay less and less attention to the threats from their parents, and their behavior will become more and more rebellious. It will become more and more difficult for parents to discipline them. Whether it is a child with a tendency to surrender or a child with a rebellious spirit, empty threats are not good. They will also damage the parent-child relationship, make the children mentally alienated from us, and lose trust in us. Trust is the foundation of all positive parent-child interactions. What can smart parents do? 1. Explain patiently. Giving an explanation is always the first step. Patiently tell your child why you ask him or her to do or not do this, so that the child can feel that what you are giving is not a selfish and crude order, but a code of conduct supported by morality and logic. Ask your children to collect toys, because toys are thrown everywhere and will be difficult to find next time, and others may get hurt if they accidentally step on them. The reason why children should not hit others is because doing so will hurt others, and they may also hurt themselves due to other people\’s counterattack. Letting our children become obedient is not the goal of our upbringing. Explaining the reasons to children is to let them understand that doing the right thing is more important than being obedient. It is our explanations over and over again that help children establish a system of judgment of right and wrong, form their own moral values ​​and judgments of right and wrong, and thus Inner self-motivated behavior that complies with moral and social norms. Youyou’s mother once wrote about the difference between discipline and rules. In fact, discipline is passive obedience. Even if the adult is wrong, you must abide by it unconditionally. This does not involve the child’s own moral judgment; while rules are actively followed because they believe that they are. It’s the right thing, so I’m willing to do it. 2. Give children clear expectations and consequences, and do what you say. On issues of principle, make the consequences clear from the beginning. For example, you need to use a safety seat when driving. Tell your children that if they want to travel by car, they must use a safety seat. This is a matter of life safety and there is no room for bargaining. If the child refuses to sit, then we wait in the car, or even take out a book and pretend to read it, in order to convey the message: When you sit in the safety seat, I will drive. Before going to a restaurant, you can tell your children not to make noises and run around in the restaurant. This will disturb others, and may also knock over the plates on the waiter\’s hands and cause danger. If you can\’t do that, you have to leave. Restaurant. When we arrive at a restaurant, if the child really does not listen to the advice, then we must leave the restaurant as we say. Someone asked, is this not a threat to children? You can understand it as a threat, but this threat is within the scope of reasonable operation and can be regarded as a natural consequence – leaving the restaurant is to protect the safety of the children (to avoid knocking over the plates), and it is also a moral consideration to not hinder other people. Guests dine. Children must learn to take consequences for their actions, so it is necessary for parents to set reasonable consequences to discipline their children\’s behavior. If you are unable to take your child out of the restaurant for various reasons, then don’t threaten your child with this. It\’s important to keep your word. As I said before, breaking your promise will only get harder and harder in the future. 3. Give your child a big hug and tell him or her \”I love you\”. This trick was invented by me., but it’s very effective every time I use it. In fact, it is normal for our children to not cooperate with anything we want them to do. It would be abnormal if they really cooperated with us in everything. Even for small things like washing hands, Youyou often refused to cooperate. As soon as she got home, she wanted to get something to eat. When I asked her to wash her hands first, she refused to do so. She stamped her feet angrily and started crying. Tsk tsk, isn’t it just a minute later to eat? Hey, in the eyes of a child, a trivial matter is a big deal. If the mother stops her from eating, she is denying her immediate needs! Without saying anything, I squatted down and hugged Youyou, put her head on my shoulder, caressed her head and said: \”Baby, mommy loves you.\” After the child\’s mood stabilized, I continued: \”I I know you are hungry and want to eat. But you know you have to wash your hands first. You will finish washing them in half a minute. Come and wash them with your mother quickly.\” Because children can easily associate adults\’ rejection with lack of love, Therefore, usually when I say no to Youyou or cannot meet her request, I will first tell her \”Mom loves you\”. This is the first time to let the child know that although mom rejected your request, I still love you. Love is always the same, and then explain the reasons for rejection. Usually children can calm down a lot after being hugged and hearing \”Mom loves you.\” 4. Maintain a calm and positive attitude. Maintaining a calm and positive attitude is more effective than losing your temper at any time. Why do I rarely lose my temper with Youyou now? Because I found that losing my temper and yelling at my children didn\’t work at all. When I yelled, the children cried louder and refused to cooperate with me. Seeing the frightened face of the child, I always regret and blame myself afterwards. And when I changed my strategy to a calm and positive attitude towards my children\’s problems, and found that it was very effective, I lose my temper less and less now. When Yoyo doesn\’t want to brush her teeth, I use roundabout tactics. With a toothbrush in hand, he was not in a hurry to force her to brush her teeth. He first praised her performance today: \”Baby, when you were playing with your friends today, you took the initiative to let your friends play with your toys. That\’s great. You know how to share.\” !” “You took care of your baby today. You pushed the baby out for a walk and fed her milk. You have really grown up! You can take care of the baby!” After being praised like this by me, Youyou was already elated. With a bright smile, I kept saying, \”Ja, I\’ve grown up! I\’m a big sister!\” I immediately said, \”Big sisters take the initiative to brush their teeth every day. You are so awesome, why don\’t you also take the initiative to brush your teeth?\” ?” She fell into my trap and immediately nodded and opened her mouth to let me brush her teeth. Children all have a good nature. If we recognize and praise them more for what they do well, they will do more positive behaviors. No child is born to want to be a bad boy. If there is, it must be forced out by improper guidance from adults. 5. Admit your mistakes generously. Many parents are ashamed to admit their mistakes in front of their children because they feel they are losing face or losing their authority. In fact, parents\’ image in the minds of their children will not be damaged by admitting mistakes. On the contrary, our honest attitude and courage in dealing with mistakes correctly demonstrate to our children how to deal with mistakes.Some attitude. If we make a threat that cannot be fulfilled, don\’t hold on to it just to save face. \”If you cry again, you won\’t be allowed to go out to play with your friends tomorrow!\” In fact, you have made an appointment with your friends and you must go to the appointment tomorrow. You can honestly say to your child: \”I just made a mistake, and we have already made an appointment tomorrow.\” I made an appointment with a friend and I can\’t break it. But if you keep making trouble like this, I won\’t consider taking you out to play the day after tomorrow.\” Frankly admit your mistakes and avoid threats that become empty threats. If you sometimes don\’t think about how to deal with your child\’s unreasonable behavior, instead of scaring your child with empty threats, you might as well give yourself some buffer time. You can tell your child: \”What you are doing is unreasonable (or wrong). I I\’m very angry now, but I don\’t want to discipline you out of anger. I need to calm down and think about how to deal with this matter. How about you also think about what to do, and then we exchange ideas?\” While calm, During this time, you can better think about how to explain the reasons to your child, or what reasonable consequences he will bear for his actions. There are no perfect parents in the world. All parents will have times when they can\’t help but lose their temper with their children or threaten their children. The most important thing is how we deal with it after it happens. Face yourself and your children bravely and talk frankly about what happened. Don’t be shy to tell your children your true feelings and thoughts. Whether you blame yourself or regret it, the key is to treat every loss of control as a sign of learning and growth. Opportunity—for you and for your child.