does not work? Because you got it wrong, the most basic scientific parenting knowledge

Not long ago, at a sharing meeting about my new book \”Psychology All Good Mothers Understand\”, a parent asked a question. He said: Is there an instrument or method that can detect what a child is good at or what area he is talented in, so that we can concentrate on cultivating children\’s abilities in this area, without having to go down the wrong path and waste time and money? Fumbling around. Hearing this question, many parents present laughed. In fact, this question reflects a very common way of thinking, that is: there must be a correct standard answer somewhere, and as long as I find it, everything will be fine. Since I became a public account, I have received various questions every day, such as, what should I do if my child is slow in doing homework? What should I do if my child is timid? Many questions are as simple as one sentence, as if just asking the question may lead to an answer. I also know what parents want – preferably, I can list one, two or three points and tell them how to do it. You give me a prescription, it costs a few taels, it’s simple and clear, and I just take the medicine according to the prescription. If the medicine prescribed by this \”doctor\” doesn\’t work, look for the next one. Parents believe that there is only one panacea between a mother\’s love and her son\’s filial piety. Unfortunately, things in this world are not that simple. The real answer will never have a definite number like a math problem. This kind of thinking also destined us to always look outside instead of looking inward. We are destined to understand a lot of truths but still fail to educate our children. Why? Because your understanding of the answer is wrong. There is a question that I believe each of us has asked before, and that is: What is the meaning of life? In a workshop, a girl who had experienced all kinds of dissatisfaction and could not find her direction in life burst into tears: \”I want to know, what is the meaning of life? How to live meaningfully? I especially want to know the meaning of life. Only then will I know where to work hard.\” I understand this girl especially because I was once like her, struggling to find the answer: What is the meaning of life? Why do people live? Have you noticed that the underlying logic of raising this question is: there must be a real \”meaning\” and a correct answer in this world, but it is hidden in a distant place and is not easy to find. As long as I find it, the next thing will be easier. I just need to follow its guidance, and all the confusion will be solved. So, the most important thing is to find it. I got a lot of answers from books and from others, but every one of them is plausible and makes some sense, but I can\’t be sure that this is the most correct answer. Where is the correct answer? In the past few years, I have gradually realized that many people, including me, have reversed the order of cause and effect – it is not because we are sure there is a correct answer that we go looking for it, but only when we set out to find it. It is possible for it to exist. And this \”searching\” does not mean searching for people all over the world to ask questions – do you know the correct answer? Do you know where the correct answer is? The real search is through action, inward exploration, and searching from within one\’s own heart. \”The Fantasy of the Shepherd Boy\”\”Journey\” is a short book full of metaphors, which tells a story about searching. Santiago, a young shepherd boy, went through many hardships to find the treasure. He traveled across the ocean, crossed the desert, experienced the test of life and death, and finally came to the pyramids in Egypt. He thought the treasure was buried here, but unexpectedly learned that the treasure was in his hometown thousands of miles away, in an abandoned church that he was very familiar with. After learning the final answer, Santiago shouted to the sky: \”Why didn\’t you tell me in advance to save me the trouble?\” A voice in the wind answered him: \”If I told you first, you wouldn\’t be able to see the pyramid. You Don’t you think they are beautiful?” Yes, Santiago went through many hardships and dangers, but found that the treasure was in his hometown. Can you say that all these efforts were in vain? If he didn\’t set out to find it in distant places, he would never know that the treasure was in his hometown. Moreover, in the process of searching, he saw wonderful scenery, met all kinds of people and things, learned what is cherishable and what can be discarded, he discovered the inner strength, and understood In order to gain humility, he became more and more determined and steady. All these are harvests and treasures. The treasure is not thousands of miles away, the treasure is within you. And only by looking can you find it. What\’s the real answer? There are many truths in this world, but if these truths are not combined with your own life, it will never become the real answer. The real answer is unique to everyone and applies only to themselves. Just like we ask for the meaning of life. The meaning of life can be love, sharing, momentary eternity, or indifference… these are all correct. But for you, which one is the meaning of your life? If you just stay where you are and ask questions over and over again, you will feel that all the answers are specious, and at the same time, you will not be completely satisfied with any answer. Only by starting to take action, doing one thing at a time, working hard, breaking through, doubting and hesitating, and joyful…continuously discerning, thinking carefully, and practicing diligently can we peel away the illusions and myths layer by layer. Discover your true self. At this time, you will also understand what the meaning of life is to you. No one can replace this process, you can only go through it step by step by yourself. The real answer is not what the authority tells you, but what you give yourself. The real answer has another characteristic: it is often not a clear answer, one is one or two, but it is vague and rich in meaning. For example, we often say that educating children must be “gentle but firm”. How moderate is it? How firm is it? Can\’t we criticize? What should I do if my child is spoiled? How to measure this? There is no one standard answer. Everyone\’s scale is different, it all depends on a feeling. This feeling is the internal strength developed during the process of exploration and experimentation. Without this process, you will be confused and at a loss. I understand this very well. I have found in many searches that the final answer is just the word \”moderate\”, which is a balance that needs to be determined by one\’s own feelings. For example, the matter of \”sense of boundaries\”. when i get fromI discovered the word \”boundary\” in psychology, and I felt like a treasure. I thought I had discovered a super useful answer. Isn’t it that the reason why we have all kinds of troubles in our relationships with our parents and our children is because we lack a sense of boundaries, which leads to various transgressive behaviors? If we set clear boundaries, wouldn\’t the problem be solved? Very good! I decided to establish a sense of boundaries from now on, distinguish what is my business and what is other people\’s business, and do not cross the boundaries between each other. I talked about this in an article. That year when I returned to my hometown during the Chinese New Year, my mother was worried about everything. As soon as she stopped me, I made a pause gesture: Stop, this is my business, don\’t worry about it. After yelling \”stop\” several times, my mother couldn\’t hold it in anymore and exploded: \”Nothing I do is right, OK, OK, I don\’t care!\” Practice is the only criterion for testing truth. If you truly understand a truth, you must apply it in your life and see the effect. My mother’s outburst made me reflect, is it wrong to have a “sense of boundaries”? Later, I figured it out. There was nothing wrong with the sense of boundaries. What was wrong was that I used them as often as I could and used them harshly. I just learned a theory and used it as a tool, but did not internalize it into my own thing. In view of the blurred boundaries between us and our loved ones, we must have the concept of \”boundary\” in our hearts, and we must remain aware of where our own boundaries are and where the other person\’s boundaries are. At the same time, we must also see that the \”boundary\” is not a clear straight line. It is intertwined and even vague in some places. It is impossible to clearly define it. This is your business, and that is mine. It’s about me in you and you in me. This is especially true among family members. so what should I do now? This requires us to grasp this limit by feeling. You may say: After all, after all, isn’t this the same as not saying anything? You still haven\’t told me what to do! But the answer actually lies here. How to find this feeling is a test of our cultivation. Through constant trying, reflection, and correction, we can eliminate the false and retain the true, step by step to clarify who you are, what you value, what you can give up, and so on. When you gradually understand these, your core will be stable and you will become determined. With this as your core, you will develop a feeling, and use this feeling to determine the propriety of doing things and being a person, and maintain a balance. At this point, we not only maintain our own boundaries and make ourselves feel comfortable, but also give respect to the other person and make the other person feel comfortable. This point is a kind of dynamic balance that cannot be explained clearly. It changes at any time when dealing with different people and different things. Behind this change, your feeling is stable and your core is stable, so you can cope with all changes by remaining unchanged. Only then will you find your own correct answer. This process sounds mysterious, but I believe that this is the ultimate goal of finding answers – for your own growth. When we were kids watching movies, we always asked the adults: Is this a good guy or a bad guy? Adults will tell us: This is a good person and that is a bad person. Knowing the answer, we can continue reading with peace of mind. When we are children and our inner selves are still very weak, we need an authority to tell usThey gain a sense of certainty with their definite answers. This sense of certainty makes us feel grounded and all we have to do is follow the answer. However, in the real world, where are there 100% good people and 100% bad people? Where are there so many black and white things? It’s more about various shades of gray between black and white. what to do? If we are still like children, waiting for authority to give a decisive answer, then we will not be able to see the reality of the world, and we will not have the strength to face the reality. An adult who has not grown up will not only suffer himself, but also cause distress to those around him. The only way out is to continue to grow in the process of searching for answers, making your heart stronger and calmer, so that you can better deal with these ambiguities and uncertainties. This process is difficult and painful, but when you meet your true self, the joy and harvest will make you feel that it is all worth it.