Does your child always make you lose control of your emotions? After understanding these four words, your troubles will be reduced by half

A few days ago, a mother in the reader group told a troubling story and asked for help: her eldest baby is more than three years old, and her second baby is less than one year old. Recently, the eldest baby has been very hostile to his younger brother, hitting him at every turn, and even They always say: \”Throw away your brother, beat him to death, don\’t want a younger brother.\” Whenever Dabao makes a fuss, the adults will say: \”Dabao is too bad, no younger brother is good.\” Mom guessed, maybe because of a Many months ago, her second baby fell ill. She spent all her energy on spending time with her second baby, and spent much less time with her eldest baby. Although he is slowly adjusting now, Dabao still \”holds a grudge\” against his younger brother. Although I roughly understand the reason, sometimes when my mother gets emotional when seeing Dabao being so noisy, she can\’t help but scold him. The result was even worse, and Dabao became even more rebellious. When his mother opened her mouth, Dabao said, \”You said you don\’t love me again! I\’m angry!\” He turned around and hid in his room. How did Dabao become like this? The mother was devastated and worried. Leaving aside how to solve it for now, I think the root cause of this problem lies in the fact that the psychological facts of mother and child are different. The so-called psychological facts are relative to objective facts. We have been taught since childhood to \”seek truth from facts\” and respect facts. But the so-called facts are actually not that \”simple\”. They include objective facts and psychological facts. for example. We sent each other WeChat messages, but the other party has not responded yet – this is an objective fact. \”Maybe I didn\’t do something well, and he doesn\’t like me anymore, and he doesn\’t want to be my friend anymore\” – this is the psychological fact that some people will have. \”I guess he is busy and can\’t reply to me for the time being\” – this is another psychological fact. Let’s take another example. I saw a young woman driving a luxury car on the street. In the eyes of some people: This woman is either the second generation of rich people or she is being kept. In the eyes of others: This woman must be very capable, and they really want to know how she does it. The same objective fact will appear as different psychological facts in the eyes of different people. As we often say: if there are a thousand readers, there will be a thousand Hamlets. But in life, many people ignore this. They feel that there is only one truth, and what they see is the real fact. The facts in the eyes of others should be the same as what they see. We don\’t even realize that there is such a thing as a psychological fact: I think this, and others should think this too – because that\’s how it is! If you don’t think so, then you are wrong! I am the right one – because my opinion represents the truth! It can be said that most of our pain, anger, entanglement, grievances, and conflicts between us and others come from this – equating our own psychological facts with objective facts. They don\’t realize that different people have different psychological facts about the same thing. For the mother and son at the beginning of the article, her psychological reality is: I love both Dabao and Erbao. They are both my children. How could I not love Dabao? Mom thinks, such a simple fact, does it need to be said? How could Dabao not understand? Dabao\’s psychological reality is: Mom only cares about her younger brother and doesn\’t care about me. She doesn\’t love me anymore. Adults always say that my brother is good and that I am bad. They all like my brother, but they don’t like me anymore….You see, the reality in the eyes of mother and Dabao is very different. No wonder Dabao feels wronged and angry, and mother has an emotional breakdown! Both sides think: You clearly know what to do (because that’s what I think), why don’t you do it? Remember the saying we all heard when we were kids? We went to our mother for comfort: \”Mom, my back hurts.\” Mom dismissed us with just one sentence: \”How can a child have a waist?\” However, we just feel back pain. To us, this is real The exact \”facts\”. For mothers, whatever waist their children have, they will certainly not have back pain. This is what they consider to be a \”fact\”. When two armies confront each other, the \”facts\” of children are naturally defeated. We keep our mouths shut, our feelings sealed, and our grievances suppressed. There are too many such things when we get along with our children. Because we believe that my psychological fact = objective fact is the correct and only fact, we always ask our children according to our own will. If the child cannot do it, then there is something wrong with the child. Such as dilly-dallying. The adults were already in a hurry, but the children were taking their time and taking their time. Hurry up, hurry up, I\’m so anxious, and you\’re still dawdling, deliberately going against me/not understanding me at all – this is a psychological fact for adults. Why are adults always so anxious? I still want to play for a while/time? I have no idea – it\’s a psychological fact of the child. How to deal with two incompatible psychological facts? ——For example, doing homework. When doing homework, you should be serious and focused, it is best to do everything correctly, and it is best to actively ask for more practice questions – a psychological fact for adults. I can’t write/my mother will yell at me if I make any mistakes. Doing homework scares me. I want to play with rubber and think of something fun. This is a child’s psychological fact. How do we get our children to behave in a way that is consistent with our psychological facts? ——Staring, yelling, and hitting. Not only that, but more importantly, different psychological facts will cause us to make different responses, and different responses will really lead to us getting results that match the psychological facts – this is the law of attraction. We thought Dabao was bad, so we always criticized him and punished him. As time went by, Dabao became really naughty, always going against adults, and harboring hatred for his younger brother. We think Dabao is kind. He just hopes that his mother can give him more love and attention, and we will give him what he needs. As time goes by, he really becomes friendly, sensible, and has a sunny personality. In recent years, there are always news about children committing suicide by jumping off buildings. After the tragedy, the parents burst into tears and regretted the incident. They think: They love their children, and being strict with them is for their own good. Why don’t their children understand? However, what he felt as a child was that he was beaten, scolded and humiliated at every turn. The child\’s psychological reality is: Mom and Dad don\’t love me, I\’m good for nothing, I\’m an embarrassment to them, and they regret giving birth to my child. I am worthless, I might as well die… If these parents could realize their children\’s thoughts earlier, many tragedies might be avoided. So, what should we do? 1. Understand yourself through learning. Facing the same objectiveFacts, why do different people have different psychological facts? Different growth processes, personalities, visions and cognitions will shape different psychological facts. The same glass of water is half full. People who are insecure will worry about \”only\” half a glass of water, while people with a rich heart will be happy that \”there is still\” a half glass of water. People with a high level of cognition will be more flexible and flexible in looking at problems, and are good at putting themselves in perspective, so they can see that there are different options – they will try their best to strive for a win-win result. People with low cognitive levels will stick to rigid and paranoid thinking patterns, believing that only their own ideas are correct and others are wrong. They can\’t get out of the corner – they suffer, and others suffer too. Through learning, understand yourself and be aware of why you have formed such psychological facts. Through learning, you can improve your cognition and be aware of whether your own psychological facts have limitations and whether you are paranoid. If you understand yourself, others around you will also benefit. 2. Understand your children through learning. Everyone acts based on what he believes to be the facts. If you think everyone loves you, you will naturally reciprocate the kindness. You think everyone hates you, and you naturally get defensive and aggressive. The same goes for children. So, when your child\’s behavior makes you feel crazy or collapsed, calm down and ask yourself these questions: What psychological facts are expressed behind your child\’s behavior? Why did he have such a psychological fact? How are his psychological facts different from my psychological facts? What should I do to make our psychological facts more objective and consistent? When you think about these problems clearly, the solutions may be readily apparent. Of course, being able to think clearly about these issues depends on learning, continuous reflection, and improving cognition. 3. Try to achieve these eight words: awareness, expression, listening, and communication. Be aware of the psychological facts of ourselves and our children, express our own feelings, listen to our children\’s feelings, and communicate with each other\’s feelings, so that we can have a more comprehensive and real view of the problem. At the factual level, people\’s opinions and behaviors may be very different, and everyone\’s facts are different, but at the level of feelings, we are all connected, and it is the bond of our mutual understanding. We are rarely aware of our own hearts, are not used to expressing our feelings, and are not good at listening to the voices behind each other\’s actions, even if we are parents – at this point, our children are our angels, reminding us that we need to make up for our mistakes. Take this lesson. 4. Finally, be wary of two words: must and should. When these two words appear all the time in your speech and inner monologue, you need to be wary. You need to ask yourself: Are the \”musts\” and \”shoulds\” I think really \”musts\” and \”shoulds\”? Is this an objective fact or a psychological fact on my part? Are my psychological facts necessarily completely correct and only correct? Is it possible that other people\’s psychological facts also make sense? Is it possible that things don\’t \”have to\” or \”should\” be the way I want them to be? This is true not just in parent-child relationships, but in all relationships. Try it, reducing the frequency of use of these two words will reduce your pain and entanglement a lot. You will find that your perspective on the world has changed, and your heart has becomePeaceful, even compassionate.