Does your child like to talk back? That means you can\’t communicate with him!

I often receive many letters from parents saying that the communication between themselves and their children is not smooth and they are always in trouble. Today we will talk about how to reduce parent-child conflict. Adolescent children are particularly sensitive, so the tone of voice when parents speak becomes very important. If parents give orders when they open their mouth – ◆ \”You should…\”; (You should study hard, you should clean your room…) ◆ \”You can\’t…\” (You can\’t go out to play, you can\’t change your hairstyle…) Just It shows that parents regard themselves as the leaders of their children. When the leader speaks, the children can only obey. Adolescent children long to be treated as adults and can communicate rationally with their parents only when they are respected. Therefore, \”leader\” parents often get a shut-in when it comes to parent-child communication. It would be much more effective to change your tone… ◆ \”I suggest you consider…\”; (I suggest you find time to clean up the room…) ◆ \”I remind you that… may have… disadvantages.\” ( Mom reminds you, the teacher may have objections to that haircut…) Such a consultant-like way of speaking will make the child feel respected, and at the same time express the parents\’ concern, killing two birds with one stone. Therefore, smart parents act as counselors rather than leaders in order to be close to their children\’s hearts. When a child is angry, parents should stay calm. If the child gets angry and becomes agitated, parents must not dance with it, otherwise there will only be a huge quarrel. The highest behavioral guiding principle for parents at this time is: the hotter he (the child) is, the colder I (the parent) will be. Because once parents control their anger with anger, the child will have more reason to believe that his anger is justified: Who can stand angry parents? Since his parents have a bad attitude, there is no need for him to respond in a pleasant manner. In addition, emotions are contagious. When parents remain calm, this emotionally stable atmosphere will gradually have a positive effect on their children and help them regain a peaceful state of mind. Criticize your child\’s behavior, not their personality traits. If you want to tell your child that he has done something wrong, it is his behavior that should be criticized, not his person. When parents criticize behavior, the child understands that as long as he improves his behavior, it is possible to improve his impression in the eyes of his parents. If the criticism is based on personality traits (for example: \”You idiot!\”, \”You are a loser!\”) the child will think that his parents have a prejudice against him, since he already dislikes me. , then no matter how much they change, the parents will still find it annoying, so the children will naturally give up the idea of ​​changing. Let’s take a look at the differences! Criticisms of personality traits Criticisms of behavior \”How can you be so stupid and do so poorly on the exam!\” \”Your cramming for this exam is very undesirable.\” \”You are a person who doesn\’t keep your word. You didn\’t reply on time. Home!\” \”You didn\’t do what you promised me, causing everyone a lot of trouble.\” \”You always lie!\” \”You went to the Internet cafe without telling me, which made me very worried.\” When children share their worries, don\’t do Adolescent children often feel that their feelings are unique and unique, so when theyWhen adults see through the motivations of their actions at a glance, children will find it boring and uncomfortable. For example, the child comes back and tells his parents that there is a boy in the class. Every day during lunch, he lowers his head to read and never eats lunch. Ask him and he always says he\’s not hungry. Until one day, the teacher told the family that this classmate\’s family was very poor… The child seemed to have made a huge discovery, and said with surprise: \”Dad, it turns out that is the reason!\” At this time, the father said: \” Do you even need to ask? Of course it is.\” Such a \”taken for granted\” response will make children feel like they have been poured cold water on them, and it will be very boring to communicate with their parents. For another example, a child used hairspray to style a new hairstyle over the weekend (as he was getting ready to go out). His parents saw through his thoughts at a glance and immediately asked: \”There are girls at the party today, right?\” This will make the child feel very Unhappy, feeling like I can\’t escape my parents\’ grasp. For children\’s young minds, there are many new things in the world waiting for them to come into contact with and experience. When children finally gain some experience in growing up, parents should adopt a positive and cooperative attitude to understand. Listening to the child\’s voice from the child\’s perspective, rather than the parent\’s own perspective, allows for true communication with the child. Going back to the first example above, a better answer is: \”Really, this is really a major discovery!\” Please allow me to remind you again that you value children\’s privacy. Adolescent children like to be treated as adults. Therefore, parents should give their children some space and allow them to maintain their privacy. Therefore, some of Holmes\’s detective behaviors should not actually appear. For example, eavesdropping on children\’s phone calls, peeking at children\’s diaries, or reading children\’s messages online, etc. These behaviors are euphemistically called to understand children. In fact, parents have set a very bad example – as long as we think that If you care about others, you don\’t care about other people\’s privacy. And this is often the number one killer that destroys children\’s trust in their parents. Therefore, it is recommended that parents and children work together to formulate an exclusive \”Children\’s Privacy Contract\” to write down what parents want to know and can know, and what should be their children\’s privacy. Parents should fully respect it and not infringe on their children. s right. Don\’t say \”but\” Some parents follow the advice of psychologists and often find opportunities to communicate with their children and listen to their children. So they patiently listen to what their children have to say, and then say: \”Yes, I understand you.\” I mean, but your idea is wrong.\” Some parents do take the time to praise their children, but what they say is: \”You are very smart, but too lazy.\” These communications that were originally intended to convey goodwill will end up because of Parents use the word \”but\” and cause all previous efforts to be wasted. Because children have learned a long time ago that the word \”but\” before the word \”but\” is just a rhetorical statement, and only the words that follow \”but\” are the true feelings of the parents. ◆ For example, parents said – \”It\’s a good thing to want to play ball, but now you should focus on studying.\” Let me translate! When such words reach the ears of children, what they hear means, \”Except for studying, there is no need to talk about anything!\” Those good intentions mentioned by parents are completelyObliterated. Therefore, it is recommended that parents try to avoid the word \”but\” appearing in conversations at critical moments when interacting with adolescent children. If you don’t say “but”, what should you say? It is recommended that parents use \”It would be better if…\” instead: \”It\’s a good thing to want to play ball. It would be better if you could finish your homework first…\” ◆ Another example: \”I know you are tired But you must accompany us to the wedding banquet tonight.\” After slightly modifying this sentence, it sounded much more pleasant to the child: \”I know you are tired. In fact, dad and mom are also very distressed. If you can Cheer up, accompany us to have a wedding banquet, and you can also meet your favorite cousin. You will also be very happy.\” Clarify the semantic communication method. Adolescent children can easily interpret too much of their parents\’ opinions, resulting in Unnecessary emotional backlash. In order to avoid such misunderstandings, parents can use a good way of communication, which is to clarify semantics – \”I don\’t mean…, I mean…\” ◆ For example, you can say: \”My I don’t mean to meddle in things or restrict your freedom. What I mean is that I am a little worried that if you don’t sleep at night, it will cause harm to your body.” ◆ Another example: “Dad and mom don’t mean you. Friends are not good. What we mean is that their ideas may not all be right. You can make your own judgment.\” Use constructive criticism. Parents should use constructive criticism skills when their children misbehave. , to successfully assist children in correcting their behavior. ◆ For example: The child went out this morning and had no time to have breakfast. Hurtful criticism – \”Look at you, you get up late and skip breakfast again. You do this every day, you are just lazy!\” Constructive criticism method: Step 1: Talk about the incident. When parents criticize their children, they should first explain which incident they are referring to. For example: \”You got up late this morning and went out without breakfast.\” Step 2: Talk about how you feel. Parents should then describe their emotional state. For example: \”I\’m worried that you will hurt your body by doing this.\”; or \”I\’m a little angry because you promised to have breakfast before leaving, but you didn\’t do it.\” Step 3: Say expectations. State your expectations for changes in your child\’s behavior. For example: \”I hope you will have breakfast every day starting from tomorrow.\” Step 4: Talk about the benefits. Explain the advantages of doing so and the benefits to the child. For example: \”I believe that this way, you will be more energetic and can grow taller!\” In one breath, it will be: \”You got up late this morning and went out without eating breakfast. I am worried that you will hurt yourself if you do this. Body. I hope that you will have breakfast every day starting from tomorrow. I believe that in this way, you will be more energetic and can grow taller!\” By mastering the above principles, parents can easily avoid the pitfalls of parent-child communication. mines. No more conflicts, you can communicate with your children without any problems!