Don’t believe it, maybe you are your child’s biggest trap

One year ago today, Xiaoyou cried in front of me for a full 15 minutes before she stopped crying. I didn\’t interrupt her, I just handed her a box of tissues silently. After she calmed down, she said to me: \”Sure enough, the line of sanity came to the surface after my head was drained.\” I had known Xiaoyou for 10 years at that time, and I had watched her fall in love, get married, and have children. She is beautiful, humorous, intelligent, and is also a successful psychological counselor. After all, I was her good friend first, and then became her senior sister. Many people have asked this question: You psychological counselors must be able to read what others are thinking at a glance, right? Your counselor\’s family must be very harmonious, right? The relationship between your counselor\’s husband and wife must be very loving, right? The children raised by your psychological counselors must be outstanding, right? Even if psychological counselors are gods, they will encounter monsters and ghosts that are difficult to conquer on the way to educate their children. Especially those demons still come out of their own hearts. Xiaoyou was called to school that day by his son\’s head teacher for a talk. Xiaoyou\’s son Kaikai was 6 years old and in first grade. The reason was that the teacher suspected that Kaikai might have been bullied by his classmates, and asked Xiaoyou to pay more attention to the child\’s physical and mental condition and report to the school in a timely manner. During class, the head teacher discovered that several pages of Kaikai\’s book had been torn by his classmates, so he called the child to the office alone for questioning. Seeing the teacher\’s serious expression, the child quickly responded: \”Teacher, Sun Haoqiang didn\’t tear it up on purpose. Because I brought too little chocolate, he accidentally tore it without grabbing it.\” \”My classmates didn\’t bully me. I volunteered to help Lu Haowei sweep the floor. He said he would follow anyone who helped him on duty. Who\’s playing?\” \”I gave that pen to Lin Fangfang on my own initiative, so that she would lend me the comic book to read.\”… Xiaoyou didn\’t pursue anything at the time. After all, that was the child\’s own way of dealing with interpersonal relationships. , that is the path that children themselves must experience and grow. She just felt pain in her heart, and it hurt so much that she couldn\’t help crying. This little boy who always tries to please others is so familiar, just like himself when he was a child. Xiaoyou grew up in a single-parent family. He was less than two years old when his father took his brother away to reorganize the family. She remembered her mother as a moody fire-breathing dragon. She learned to look at her mother\’s face since she was a child. Until she graduated from college and found a job, her life consisted of studying hard and working crazily. She constantly meets her mother\’s expectations and requirements, and even takes great care of her mother\’s puppy. Only neglected myself. After encountering psychology by chance, she got out of hand and got a master\’s degree in psychology and a psychological counselor certificate. From then on, she went further and further on the road of exploration. I remember that before she got married, she analyzed herself with me: \”a point-type giver, number two in the Enneagram.\” The emotional mother in her native family has always kept a \”healing fantasy child\” in her heart. This little girl often fantasizes that her efforts will one day be seen by her mother, and her emotional needs will one day be realized in the future. Be satisfied. After becoming a psychological counselor, she didn\’t know that it was just a child\’s fantasy. She tried not to expect anything, and she tried not to impose her fantasies on others. But since when, her Kaikai turned into that child? This conversation made her constantly re-examine herself. In interactions with adults, the little girl inside is locked up very tightly. In getting along with Kaikai, the little girl was easily let go. She unconsciously guided Kaikai to please her and cater to her. So Kaikai learned the first lesson in how to get along with others in life. It’s scary to think about it! It turns out that I am not mature enough! Xiaoyou spent a year with the little girl in her heart, letting her accept her family of origin, understand her mother, and learn to forgive her mother\’s inaction and harm. Over the course of a year, the little girl inside slowly grew up, and the interaction pattern with Kaikai also changed unconsciously. Just today, Xiaoyou called me. Her Kaikai was selected by the teacher as the leader of the extracurricular study team. The reason is not only that he is very good at taking care of his classmates, but also because he also refuses unreasonable requests from classmates and is principled and responsible. Take responsibility. She cried with joy! I cried again, this emotional woman, I am proud of her. Not everyone is lucky enough to have a mature family of origin. It is true that your family of origin will leave a deep imprint on you, but that is not the reason for you to stagnate, refuse to grow and take responsibility, and find excuses to become a \”giant baby.\” Life is fluid, and it is never your family of origin that hinders the flow of life, but your choice. You chose to be a parent, but did you also choose to be mature? If parents do not have mature personality and interpersonal communication models, healthy value systems or stable emotions, then a child living in an immature family will have his self-perception and behavior patterns severely distorted, which will result in his A vicious cycle forms on the road of life. Want to know if you are a mature parent? It may be helpful to think about your own parenting style. Suppose there is such a situation, and your child comes to ask you: \”Mom, I want to learn Bawu and English drama, but I can only sign up for one of the interest classes. What should I do?\” Controlling parents \”What the hell is Bawu?\” What\’s the use of learning it? Sign up for English. Only by learning English well can you get into a good university!\” They want to make their children what they have failed to achieve or what they want to achieve, so that they can compensate for the unfulfilled goals of their inner children. Wishes and Regrets. Permissive parents say, \”Baby, you can learn whatever you want, as long as you\’re happy. It doesn\’t matter if you don\’t learn well.\” They don\’t want their children to be hurt or wronged, because the child in them has suffered too much in childhood. , they are compensating in disguised form. The neglectful parent \”does whatever you want, it doesn\’t matter to me.\” The child in her heart did not receive enough attention and love when she was growing up. She lacks the experience of sharing and expression, and has no ability to love others. Democratic parents \”Both are good. I will support you no matter what you choose. Mom, I believe in your own judgment. I think you can learn anything well.\” They are kind but firm, respect their children\’s own choices, and cultivate responsible children. Character, encourage children’s confidence and ability to solve problems on their own. She is mature enough in her heart and does not need to treat others as her own property. Bernard Shaw said in his poem: \”Your children are not actually your children. They are children born of life\’s desire for itself. They come here through you.The world does not come because of you. They are around you, but they do not belong to you. \”Democratic parents understand this deeply. They kindly give their children unconditional respect and love, and do not compare themselves to other children. At the same time, they firmly guide their children to follow the right path and fulfill their original wish to live in this world. Wonderful and wonderful. Want to know if your relationship with your child is developing in a mature direction? Close your eyes and imagine you going to kindergarten to pick up your child from school. As soon as a child with a secure attachment relationship sees you, he will immediately smile and put down his hands. The thing in your body rushes towards you, and then hugs you happily. This is because the child’s desire for you gets a relatively consistent positive response, so in the end he or she is convinced that this expression is welcome. Avoidant attachment When your relationship sees you at the door, your expression doesn\’t change and you don\’t react, and you continue to do what you were doing. It\’s because his (her) desire for you is always met with an indifferent response, and in the end he (she) blocks it. Desire for you. The ambivalent attachment relationship seems a little tangled when he sees you at the door. He turns to look at you from time to time, thinks about it but does not act, and is very hesitant. It is because he (she) cannot get a stable response from you. You are hot and cold, so his or her emotional expression becomes contradictory. A person\’s attachment relationship with important objects such as partners and friends in his or her life depends largely on the attachment relationship with his or her mother in infancy. How a person views the world depends on how he was treated by his parents since he was a child. However, parents do not become parents without passing the exam, and not all parents are \”emotionally mature.\” Emotionally immature parents generally have poor ability to withstand stress and are stubborn. , self-centered, unable to self-reflect, and accustomed to self-reference. They lack awareness of their past and refuse to be responsible for past actions or future consequences. You can be unsuccessful, but as a parent, you must be mature. If If you unfortunately encounter parents who are emotionally immature, then \”maturity\” is an important topic that you must take in this life. If you want to be a parent, or you are already a parent, you have the responsibility and obligation to become a mature and qualified parent. Learn and grow together with your children during practice. \”Parents\”! What a great and terrible word. Don\’t believe it, if you are not careful, you will become a big trap for your children.