Don’t compete with adolescent children, communication is key!

A friend’s child is in the second grade of junior high school this year. One day, she called me and was extremely frustrated. She said that her son’s grades were declining, he was emotionally sensitive, silent, stubborn and rebellious. The key was that he was tired of studying. Asked me if I had any recommendations for a suitable psychological counselor. She wanted to take her son to see a psychologist. My first reaction was, isn\’t this a typical sophomore phenomenon? After I talked to her about the emotional and behavioral characteristics that children in the second grade of junior high school are prone to, she said, \”Yes, yes, that\’s it.\” I asked her, \”What were you like when you were in the second grade of junior high school?\” She said bluntly: \”I forgot. .\” I laughed at her: \”I\’m afraid it\’s not a happy time.\” She thought for a while and said, \”That\’s true.\” As someone who has experienced adolescence, I especially want to say that the second grade of junior high school coincides with the sensitive youth of thirteen and fourteen years old. During this period, growth pressure, academic pressure, family pressure, peer pressure, if there are no correct channels for guidance, it is indeed a period when physical and mental problems are prone to occur. Moreover, the problems of this period hide the future direction of life. As writer Liu Qing said: Although the road of life is long, critical points often only take a few steps, especially when people are young. No one\’s life path is straight and without forks. If you take a wrong step at some forks in the road, it can affect a period of your life or your whole life. I remember back then, many of my classmates dropped out of school in the second year of junior high school or had no interest in studying until the third year of junior high school. At that time, most parents didn\’t care about their children. You made all the decisions yourself and you were responsible for all the consequences. I heard from my mother that starting from about the second grade of junior high school, I often had headaches, and the hospital couldn’t find anything wrong. I once wanted to drop out of school, but my mother wouldn’t allow me. It was not until later that I came into contact with psychology and learned about the term \”somatization of psychological problems\”, which can roughly explain the situation at that time – in the minds of teachers and classmates, I was still a top student and could not and did not dare to behave rebelliously. Self-awareness emerges both physically and psychologically, and headaches become a sign of stress. Today\’s children are very lucky. Most of their parents have taken their own responsibilities and not only care about their children\’s physical health and learning status, but also their children\’s mental health. Parents who can think of taking their children to see a psychologist are at least relatively open-minded. Baidu Encyclopedia says: \”The second grade phenomenon\” refers to a series of phenomena that occur when students in the second grade of junior high school are in their adolescent development period. The body and mind develop rapidly and change, and there are various possibilities for development. American psychologist Hollingworth calls it the \”psychological weaning period.\” Secondary school students are rebellious, blind, easily influenced by the outside world, easily agitated and irritable, have widely polarized grades, frequently violate disciplines and regulations, and have psychological disorders. They are also characterized by plasticity, initiative, and the pursuit of independence. Therefore, the second grade of junior high school is not only a dangerous period for children’s development, but also inevitably becomes a critical period for education. Today, school education still pays more attention to knowledge infusion, which is determined by the examination-oriented education system. Regardless of teachers or parents, the focus is still on the children\’s performance. It is difficult to treat the child as an independent individual with flesh and blood and soul. For children in the budding period of youth, \”who am I\” is more important than \”what do I test?\” \”How many points\” may be more important. often listenParents of adolescent children say that their children are reluctant to speak, rebellious, and difficult to communicate. They don\’t know what words to say, which makes them angry. If the parent-child relationship is not harmonious and communication is not smooth, life will be difficult for both parents and children. The so-called communication of our Chinese parents is often like this: It’s cold, remember to wear long johns; you are now in the second grade of junior high school, you must study hard and stop being playful; if you play games again, I will confiscate your phone. , did you hear it? Look at your Uncle Wang’s son next door. He ranked first in his class at the end of last semester. He can’t straighten his back when walking? You are always hunched over; the teacher said that you have regressed a lot in math this semester. Mom and Dad have worked so hard, all for you. If you don’t study hard, who can you deserve? Sometimes, while parents are talking, they are still so angry that their children don’t even listen to a word. Is this communication? The key to communicating with adolescent children is two words – shut up. If someone makes an argument, I will become mute if I close my mouth. How can I still communicate? Well, for adolescent children, it is a very lucky thing for their parents to temporarily become mute. At least the ears are clean, and there is time and space for self-integration, without being invaded by all kinds of care, instructions, greetings, accusations, and nagging from all directions. The prerequisite for effective communication is open and uncritical listening. Perhaps what we are least good at is listening without judgment. Sometimes it is not so easy to be honest. What he is best at may be criticism and preaching. For example, your child tells you when he comes home that he doesn’t like the new math teacher, so he didn’t do well in the math test this time. The critical and didactic answer is this: If you didn\’t do well in math, what does it have to do with your math teacher? It\’s you who don\’t work hard and are still making excuses! Or, even if you don\’t like your math teacher, you should study math well. It is a very important subject in the high school entrance examination. (The child automatically opens the defensive barrier, muttering in his heart, here it comes again, the same thing forever. From now on, I will never tell him anything.) Frank and uncritical listening means this: The teacher you like, Mr. Li, doesn’t lead your class Mathematics? (Hmm) You don’t like your current math teacher (well, none of our classmates like him), and you didn’t do well in the math test this time (hmm), what are you going to do next? (The child found that his parents understood what he meant and did not blame him for not doing well in the math test this time. He believed that even if he did not like the current math teacher, he would still find a way to learn math well.) The parents closed their eyes and tried to preach. and critical mouth, keeping communication open and effective. The famous American psychologist Thomas Gordon said that \”saying nothing\” (shut up) can also express a clear and unambiguous sense of acceptance. Remaining silent – \”passive listening\” – is a very effective non-verbal message that makes the other person feel truly included. He used the following conversation (edited) between this parent and his junior high school daughter who had just come home from school to illustrate how shutting up is sometimes a wise and effective way to communicate with adolescent children. Child: I was called to the vice principal’s office today. Parent: Oh? Child: That’s right. Teacher Li said that I talked too much in class. Parent: I understand. Child: I can\’t stand Teacher Li. He\’s boring and annoying. He\’s sitting there, orTalking endlessly about his various problems, or his grandchildren, and expecting us to be interested. Parent: Uh-huh. Child: I was joking with my deskmate while he was talking. He asked me to stand at the back of the classroom. If I didn\’t go, he asked me to go to the vice principal\’s office. Oh, he was the worst teacher you could ever imagine. Parent: (Silence) Child: If I have a good teacher, I will do well, but if a teacher like Teacher Li teaches me, I don’t want to learn anything. I don\’t understand, how can such a person be a teacher? Parent: (Silence) Child: I guess I\’d better get used to this fact, because I can\’t always have good teachers. If I don\’t study this subject well because I don\’t like a teacher, I will be the one who suffers in the end. Parents listen passively in silence, allowing the child to sort out her own behavior and emotions. She is allowed to express her emotions and feel accepted by her parents (even though the parents say nothing), which leads to her own constructive solutions. plan. If parents insert teaching, preaching, ridicule, humiliation, criticism, blame and other unacceptable responses, communication becomes a gap. Communication is an art, and communicating with adolescent children is an art that requires active listening and appropriate silence.