Don’t leave the injuries you suffered in childhood to your children.

\”What do you think I should do?\” A friend called me late at night. \”I have been called to school three times this month. I thought Guoguo was just playing with shoelaces, but the teacher said today that she has now developed into eating shoelaces. She refused to change despite repeated admonitions, and I was so angry that I couldn\’t help it when I got home. , beat her up. \”Eating shoelaces?\” This sounds a bit exaggerated. What\’s going on? My friend\’s daughter Guoguo is a little bean bag who has just entered first grade. During the summer vacation before she entered school, her parents helped her sign up for cram schools in various subjects because they were worried that she would not be able to keep up with the teacher\’s progress after school. I heard someone said, \”Elementary school teachers usually think that most children can do it, so they just skip teaching.\” \”. As parents, instead of believing those exaggerated rumors and worrying unnecessarily, we should go back to the fundamentals of raising a child: paying attention to the needs and feelings of the child. Take Guoguo from a friend’s house for example – ● Because she was in elementary school, her family moved to a completely unfamiliar place, and all the friends, uncles and aunts she was familiar with before were gone. ●● The mother was anxious to find a cram school, which further aggravated the child\’s insecurity: \”Why is everyone so nervous? Is going to school a particularly scary thing?\” ●●● After entering the primary school classroom, Guoguo discovered that primary schools and kindergartens are really no the same. When I am in elementary school, I need to sit upright at my desk for 45 minutes, listen carefully to the teacher, and obey the rules. In this way, under various invisible and tangible pressures, Guoguo felt unspeakable tension in her heart. alright! The answer can finally be revealed: uncontrollably playing with and eating shoelaces are typical manifestations of anxiety. This is the same as when adults are anxious, they bite their nails, bite their clothes, pull their hair, scratch their scalp, spin their pens, etc. They are all small and subconscious actions used to relieve anxiety. Therefore, Guoguo is not a bad boy who \”refuses to change despite repeated admonitions\”, and eating shoelaces is not \”something wrong\” in the eyes of adults. However, my mother \”forgot to build a bridge and take a look into the other person\’s heart.\” Doesn’t Guo Guo’s mother love her children? She went through a lot of trouble to choose the best school for her daughter, buy a house in the school district, rack her brains to arrange fun places on weekends, and dress up her beautiful daughter like a princess every day… We have conflicts with our children and inadvertently hurt them. , not because I don’t love him, but because I don’t understand children and parenting. Before everyone works, they must go through more than ten years of study and learn all the knowledge and skills required for work. To learn a language, it takes N years and N times of continuous and advanced learning before you can use it skillfully. Even if we learn to cook, we will not just imagine it out of thin air. Instead, we will hold the recipe in our left hand, and follow with our right hand a little salt, 1 spoon of soy sauce, and adjust the heat to medium… Is raising children less important than any of the above things? ? Have you ever thought about this, this is a very strange thing – most parents come to work without knowing anything about their children or parenting. Maybe you will say, have you never eaten pork or seen a pig running? I have been influenced by my parents since I was a child, and I have learned how to be a parent. However, ask yourself why there are so many unresolved emotions in your heart: fear, doubt, worry, impatience, sadness, and even depression… How many of our generation have not been exposed to childhood education?Years of trauma? Are you willing to use the same parenting style and let your children repeat your childhood trauma? Learn to be good parents, stop continuing the wrong parenting methods of your parents, and stop hurting your children. When Guoguo\’s mother said that she couldn\’t help but spank her child, I asked her, \”Did you never get spanked when you were a child? Have you forgotten how it felt when you were spanked?\” She said, \”I did, but at that time I\’m really so angry…\” Oh, I forgot a statistic I read many years ago: children who were spanked as children have an 80% chance of spanking their own children when they grow up and become parents. Just like a girl who hates her father\’s drinking (and even domestic violence), she is very likely to find a man who loves drinking and beating his wife like her father when she grows up. This is not about us simply gritting our teeth, stamping our feet, deciding to treat our children gently from now on, and then stop being impulsive. This requires us to deliberately learn at least two things: Decoding the child\’s behavior: it is not \”bad behavior\” but a signal for help from the child. Hug the beaten and injured version of yourself, reconcile and say goodbye to past hurts. Learning to be good parents is also a good opportunity to re-raise ourselves. A friend once said to me that the best gift her daughter could give her was to learn to love herself again. I have very high demands on myself, and I will blame myself if I can\’t do my best in anything. I was exhausted, but I couldn\’t relax my tense nerves. Once, I watched my daughter dance in kindergarten. To be honest, she doesn\’t dance very well, but I look at her clumsy little look and it looks so cute. At that moment, I suddenly wondered: Why can my daughter do anything? I don\’t care if she makes mistakes, and I don\’t require her to be smart or outstanding. No matter how she behaves, I love her. It turns out that I am capable of loving someone unconditionally, but why can’t I love myself? Thinking of this, I burst into tears. My inner parent (that is, continuing the pattern of how my parents treated me when I was a child) is too harsh on myself. Nowadays, my parents’ criticism and education of me can no longer affect or hurt me as it did when I was a child, but I have become too accustomed to continuing to wear the shackles of the past. I have grown up, and the locks on the shackles have long been opened. I can throw them away at any time if I want, but I have never realized that I am still walking forward wearing them. Although I still dare not say that I can fully accept and love myself, every time I criticize myself again, I think, what would I do if the person in front of me was my daughter? I will definitely tell her, just try your best. No matter where you do, your mother will still love you so much. It turns out that while I was raising my daughter and loving her with all my heart, I was also re-raising the child that lived in my heart. A mother\’s self-growth in the process of raising her children is not only a gift from her children to her mother, but also the only way for her to raise her children well. Only by being true to herself and learning to express her true feelings and needs can she give her children good things. Only by being role models who are keenly aware of their own emotions and know how to deal with them can they better capture and resolve their children\’s emotions. Only by learning to \”quarrel\” without hurting feelings (such as with your husband) can you show your children how to deal with interpersonal conflicts… Anyone who does not take \”emphasis on\”Parenting based on the premise of \”new understanding of oneself and self-growth\” is a hooligan!