Don’t let our anxiety and over-education cause children to lack basic living abilities

In 1999, Jim Hancock, a sociologist and veteran church youth worker, pointed out in his book Raising Adults that if we think we are raising children, what we end up with is children; instead, he urged, our task is to educate adults. This may sound obvious, but I asked myself, do I, or anyone, know what it really means to be an adult in the world? Do you know how a child can grow up to be like that? From a legal perspective, we define \”adult\” in various ways, but on a developmental level, what does it mean to think and act like an adult? At the beginning of a recent fall semester, something happened on the campus of Stanford University: A few days after a freshman arrived on campus, the UPS delivery company delivered the box he had sent from home to the sidewalk outside his dormitory. The young man left the boxes there, for they were so large and heavy that it took two men to lift each one, and he did not know how to get them to his room. His mother called the dormitory administrator for help, and the administrator found someone to move the box into his room. He told the dormitory administrator that he didn\’t know how to find anyone for help. This is a failure of parenting. Children don’t magically acquire life skills at midnight on their 18th birthday. Childhood should be a training ground. The way parents help their children is not to do everything for them or to give them remote control via their mobile phones, but to step aside and let the children figure out how to solve the problem on their own. Psychotherapist Beth Gagnon agrees. Her private practice is packed with anxious parents who, in their anxiety, respond by being overly helpful. \”There are moms who drive their kids to school every day because \’it\’s so cold and the roads are icy.\’\” Frustration was evident in her voice. What would Gagnon think if she knew that, under the bright California sun, parents were doing the same thing? I dare not imagine it. \”At a certain age, children should be given corresponding opportunities to grow and complete certain developmental tasks,\” she said. \”Although many parents are smart and well-educated, they lack understanding of what behaviors are consistent with their growth stages. Good understanding.\” Gagnon was so worried about parents interfering with their children\’s learning of life skills that she organized workshops for parents of new junior high school students. She would say: \”You don\’t have to do it. If your child is 12 years old and you are still helping him cut meat, then you should stop.\” She added, \”Some parents sent me emails saying: \’ Thank you for the workshop, I just let my son cut his own meat. \’\” Going to school alone, asking strangers to help hold the door, asking for help to move boxes, and cutting meat by yourself are all part of growing up in daily life. Something that a qualified person can do on his own. They also need to be prepared when things go wrong. Susan is an emergency room physician at a hospital in downtown Washington. Her \”least favorite patients\” are 19-year-old female college students. Susan was kind and loving, and her three children were all under 18, so I was surprised by her reproachful tone. \”generallyGenerally speaking, college students are a healthy group. When they are at home, they receive meticulous care from their parents. And when most students come to the emergency room with an upper respiratory tract infection, you feel like they\’re experiencing the end of the world. If you don\’t give them antibiotics and don\’t hospitalize them, they\’ll get depressed and upset even though they just have a cold and just need to drink fluids and lie down for a few days. ” Susan then described how the female college student sat on the cold linoleum floor of the emergency room with tears in her eyes, looking at her cell phone, presumably confiding her great misfortune to friends and family. Susan believed that “they were completely unequipped to cope”. Emergency Department The room is indeed scary, the environment is unfamiliar, and the bureaucracy is often irritating. But sometimes, it is a necessity. In a few years, when they graduate from college and get married, they should cheer up. , so that you can act in a responsible, confident, and respectful manner in this world. The parents I talked to came from all over the world. Everyone knew that their children had problems with their ability to live, and some of the situations they talked about were really disturbing. Surprise, for example: \”My child is in his senior year of high school, but he still doesn\’t know how to take the subway. “If I took my teenage kids downtown and told them, ‘Go home,’ they would start crying. “My child can never cook because she has to do homework every night. \”What I\’m most worried about is that my daughter will go to college in a year and a half, and I don\’t know how she will get up in the morning.\” The parent who spoke last told her daughter, \”You have to make breakfast.\” When her daughter asked why, she responded, \”I need to know you know how to do it.\” \”That\’s the point I want to make. We need to know they know how to do it. The question is, how can we do it all at once? You can\’t just give life skills to another person. Everyone has to do it themselves. Gain the ability to live. The day will inevitably come when they have to fend for themselves, and if we don\’t prepare our children and ourselves, both will regret it. Yes, we do it to ensure that our children succeed. With so much to do and such a busy schedule, it’s hard to find the space and time to provide them with life skills classes, but it has to be done while they are still children, even though they have passed the legal age of adulthood. After they go to college or enter the workplace, do we really want them to stand on the roadside with the sun shining, not knowing how to get the express box into the dormitory, and the only way is to call us and let us help find a way? Checklist If we want our children to be able to compete on the world stage by the time they turn 18, then having a cellphone umbilical cord is not the answer to their problems. They need to have a basic set of life skills, based on my 10 years as provost. Based on my observations and advice from parents and educators across the country, I\’ve compiled some practical things kids need to know how to do before they go off to college, the crutches that currently prevent them from standing on their own two feet at age 18. What basic skills do 0118-year-olds need to be able to interact with strangers in the real world?Talk to people including teachers, college deans, counselors, landlords, store clerks, human resources managers, coworkers, bank tellers, health care providers, bus drivers, and mechanics. Crutches We teach children not to talk to strangers without teaching them more subtle abilities, such as learning to recognize the few strangers with bad intentions. As a result, children enter the world without knowing how to approach politely and with eye contact. Strangers, asking for help, guidance and direction. 0218-year-olds must know the roads on campus, they must know the roads in the city where they are doing their summer internship, and they must know the roads in the city where they are working or studying abroad. We will drive or accompany the child on crutches wherever he goes, even if the place he wants to go can be reached by taking a bus, riding a bicycle or walking. Therefore, the child does not know the route from here to there and does not know how to choose transportation. Tools to deal with traffic chaos and don’t know how to make transportation plans. 0318-year-olds must be able to manage their homework, tasks and deadlines. Crutches We remind children every day when they should hand in their homework and when they should do their homework, sometimes assisting them in doing it, and sometimes doing it for them. Therefore, if they are not reminded frequently, the children will not know how to prioritize tasks and will not be able to manage them. workload and inability to complete tasks on time. 0418-year-olds must contribute to the running of the family. We don’t let them participate in housework because apart from study and extracurricular activities, a list-like childhood leaves little time every day. Therefore, children don’t know how to take care of their own needs, don’t know how to respect other people’s labor, and are not good at contributing to the whole. Interests assume one\’s share of responsibility or contribute to the running of the family. 0518-year-olds must be able to deal with interpersonal problems. Crutches We resolve misunderstandings for them and soothe their wounded hearts, so if we don\’t intervene, the child doesn\’t know how to cope and resolve conflicts. 0618-year-olds must be able to cope with the ups and downs of course pressure and workload, college-level work, competition, and tough teachers, bosses, and others. Crutches We step in every time a child gets into trouble, needs an extension on a task, or needs to talk to an adult, so the child doesn\’t know that in normal life, things don\’t always go the way they want, But no matter what, they will be safe and sound. 0718-year-olds must be able to earn money and manage finances. They don\’t work part-time, and when they want or need something, they just ask us for money. Therefore, they have not developed a sense of responsibility for completing work tasks, and have not learned to be responsible for their bosses who do not love them from the bottom of their hearts. Not understanding the cost of various things and not knowing how to manage money. 0818-year-olds must be able to take risks. With crutches, we pave all the roads for them, avoid all traps, and prevent them from falling. Therefore, children fail to understand that only by trying, failing, and trying again, can they succeed and have a strong character. Nor do they understand that in things When things go wrong, you can only become strong and have the ability to find ways to deal with them.Frustration resistance. Remember: they must be able to do all of the above without calling their parents. If they call their parents for advice, it means they are not capable of living.