\”Don\’t nag if you can do it\” is the key to dealing with disobedient children

This is the view of Rudolf Dreikurs, the founder of child psychology. In his book \”Children: The Challenge\”, he explains the four useless \”talkings\” of mothers, which is very classic and interesting. I have re-extracted and summarized it and share it with you. \”How many times have I told you to wash your hands before eating. Now that you leave the table, you can\’t come back to eat without washing your hands!\” When I saw this sentence, I felt very familiar, as if I had just told my child not long ago. Said the same thing. In life, we always \”talk\” about our children for one reason or another. Although every time I have good intentions for him and waste a lot of time and words, it is often of no use and people don\’t listen at all. Sometimes, even \”selective\” deafness makes me really angry. Faced with such a problem, the answer of Rudolf Dreikurs, the founder of child psychology, is: \”If you really want to change your child\’s behavior, parents need to use actions, not words.\” Simply put, take action and don\’t be nagging or nagging. 1. The \”reasonable type\” talks about the mother watching her eight-year-old son Brian from the kitchen window, aiming a toy air gun at the neighbor\’s window. She shouted: \”Brian, come here, I have something to tell you.\” Brian put down the gun and walked over slowly. Mom took him to the workroom and put him in a high chair. She sat in the chair and said, \”Honey, you know, we taught you when we gave you the toy airsoft gun that it was dangerous. And we were underground. There is a shooting room specially set up for you in the game room. It is okay to play there without hurting anyone or breaking things. Right?\” Brian looked at his mother with wide eyes, an innocent look on his face, although he seemed to be worried about it. The conversation was very interesting, but he didn\’t answer anything. The mother asked, \”Did you know that a toy air gun might break someone\’s window?\” The child just raised his eyebrows. Mom added: \”Think about it, honey, these bullets are very powerful when they come out of the barrel. If they are really aimed, they will definitely break the window. You don\’t want to do this, do you?\” Brian lowered his eyes, Still didn\’t speak. \”Anyway, honey, you know if you break someone else\’s window, we have to pay them money. You don\’t want this to happen, right?\” Brian looked at his mother, but still didn\’t say anything. \”Then do you want to go to the shooting room in the underground game room now? I think it will be fun there.\” Brian nodded, swayed his feet and said, \”I want to go outside to play.\” \”Okay, son, but the gun is Just stay in the house, okay?\” \”Okay.\” Brian shrugged reluctantly. A few days later, my mother caught Brian shooting bottles and cans at very close range. She called him into the room again and taught him some truth. Mom repeated how to be careful with toy guns, the dangers of shooting, etc. Brian once again acted like he was listening carefully. Again, his mother asked him to leave the gun in the house and go outside to play. In this example, the mother followed the attitude of \”reasoning with the child\” and repeatedly reasoned with the child. Although Brian was listening on the surface, in fact, he had no intention of changing and didn\’t take his mother\’s preaching to heart at all. \”Selective\”\”Deaf.\” When we find that the child \”does not listen to us\”, if we continue to use the method of talking, it is actually a waste of effort. Reasoning is useless, and hitting cannot be done, so what can the mother do? The mother can act – She can take the toy air gun away. \”I\’m sorry you don\’t want to obey the rules. You can take the gun back when you do.\” After doing this once or twice, if Brian is still obedient, the toy air gun should be put away without saying anything. 2. \”Scare Type\” After the dinner, mother asked Janet to go back to the room to sleep. \”Janet, put on the pajamas.\” Lift it up and step on the trousers like this, you will fall down. Time to go upstairs to bed. The mother then turned around and explained to the guest, \”This pajama is a bit too long for her. I originally planned to wear it for her next year, but as you know, children love new things, so she has to wear it.\” \”Everyone looked at the little girl who was still standing on the stairs. She smiled happily at everyone. She glanced down at her feet covered by her pajamas, lifted her feet up and circled, watching the legs of her pajamas hanging down. It was very fun to circle back. With a mischievous smile on her face, she raised her eyes to look at everyone again. Her mother ordered her again: \”Janet, please raise the legs of your pajamas, otherwise you will trip.\” Come upstairs quickly! \”The little girl slowly turned around, walked up the stairs slowly, then turned around and looked towards everyone. Her mother\’s back was turned to her. She listened to the adults talking for a while, then sat on the stairs and stretched out her arms. legs, letting the legs of her pajamas swing back and forth. Mom saw the guest laughing and turned around: \”Janet!\” Do you want to fall down? Now pick it up immediately and go upstairs. Carl (the father of the child), come and take Janet upstairs. \”As soon as Janet heard this, she immediately turned around and quickly climbed up the stairs, not caring about the long trousers, and entered the bedroom before her father appeared. In this case, my mother talked too much, and what she did was always use words and Danger scares children. In fact, Janet knows what to do with her pajamas. She just deliberately shows that she is unaware of the danger. In this way, both the pajamas and her mother are under her control. She uses this opportunity to draw her mother\’s attention away from Her mother\’s reaction was what Janet expected. In many cases, what parents have to do is to remain silent. Although, the first time we try to use silence, it feels very awkward. It’s difficult and we feel like we have to say something when faced with such a challenge! However, we soon discover that silence can not only reduce the tension and stress of the situation, but also restore harmony to the family atmosphere. Mom can just say something about Janet’s pajamas. No words were mentioned. What she had to do was to take decisive action and let the child choose to go to bed by herself or let her father or mother send her to bed. 3. \”Behavior is inconsistent with language\” chanted at the school gate, five-year-old Terry stood She cried loudly in the corner. Her mother coaxed, persuaded and threatened: \”Stop crying, baby… If you cry again, I will leave. You can cry here alone.\” \”But the child cried louder. \”Now I\’m really gone. \”My mother said. Terry heard it and ran to the door screaming. His mother had already walked to the door.At the door, he heard Terry\’s sharp cry and turned back: \”Hey, Terry, you need to stay in the classroom, stop crying.\” The teacher intervened at this time: \”Terry\’s mom, just leave as soon as possible. Terry will be fine.\” \”I\’m afraid he\’ll leave school. He was in trouble when we came here from home.\” \”I\’m sure Terry will join us when he\’s ready. Terry, I It would be great to see you play with us, remember? We are friends.\” Mom left, and Terry soon stopped crying. After staying in the corner for a while, I decided to join everyone. In this example, the mother felt very helpless when her child was screaming and losing control. She tried to use verbal threats to pressure the child to obey, but her actions were the opposite of her words. She wanted her child to stop crying, but she didn\’t know that she should take action and leave the situation. The child\’s crying at this time is just \”tear pressure\” and there is no need to pay too much attention to it. 4. \”If it doesn\’t work, give up.\” Five-year-old George climbed over the shopping cart in the supermarket, slid down the railing, and sat on the revolving railing door. \”George, come down quickly! You will be hurt.\” George ignored his mother, bent his knees and hung upside down on the railing. \”George, come down, you\’re going to be hurt!\” Mom pulled out a cart. The little boy straightened up and sat on the railing, climbed down, and climbed back into the cart. \”George, let\’s go!\” Mom said and went shopping. George played on the railings and turnstile until his mother finished shopping and was ready to leave. In this example, the mother thought that she could stop the child with words at first, but who knew that George was being \”mom\’s deaf\” and ignored him at all, so the mother gave up. The next time a similar situation happens, the mother will continue to reason, but the child will continue not to listen. In this way, a disgusting cycle is formed, which is not good at all for children\’s behavioral standards. To get out of this predicament, we must learn to use actions instead of words. We need to remember a motto: when conflict occurs, do not use words, use actions. Before they go to the supermarket, Mom can say, \”George, the supermarket is not a playground.\” When George is acting up, Mom can gently but firmly hold his hand and walk back to their car together: \”I\’m sorry if you can\’t If you behave appropriately in the supermarket, we will go home and stop buying anything.\” With such firm behavior, Mom can show George that she means serious business. How about a summary? From these four examples, have you grasped the essence of using actions instead of words? Do you know why \”if you can do it, don\’t talk about it\”? In fact, whether it is a mother who patiently persuades or a mother who threatens her children, the starting point is for the good of the children and hopes that the children will not do those dangerous things. However, children are sometimes like this. His behavioral will will not change because of our adults\’ worries. He has his own ideas and purposes. If we can\’t change our children with words, then we should take action! Although the love given to children is unconditional, we should also let children understand that loving them does not mean there are no rules.