During the summer vacation, can the children be sent back to their hometown to be taken care of by the elderly?

The child is on summer vacation and the parents have no time to take care of the child. Can the old man take the child back to his hometown? Many families will encounter this problem. During the summer vacation, children are at home all day, and parents have to go to work and find it difficult to arrange their children\’s lives, so they will ask the elderly at home to help take care of their children. At this time, the old man will say, how about you send the child back to your hometown, we will take care of it, and you can work peacefully. When encountering such a situation, parents, especially mothers, will feel a little reluctant, but it seems that it is a bit too much to ask the elderly to leave their own life circle and come to help take care of their children throughout the summer vacation. Many mothers are hesitant. If they really send their children back to their hometown to spend the summer vacation away from their parents, is there anything wrong with doing so? If we want to judge this matter, the first premise is the age of the child. If the child is over six years old or in elementary school, there is no big problem in taking him back a few days early. But if it is a young child, especially a child under three years old, this matter should be particularly cautious. Why do we need to be cautious? We have also mentioned before that separation is never that simple for children. Many parents will think that we are usually separated from our children when we go to work. Now the old man takes the children back for a few months, and the environment has not changed much. If the children miss their parents, they can go there to see them on the weekends. It is good for the children. It shouldn\’t have much impact, so what\’s wrong with it? In fact, there is an essential difference here, which is whether the mother is with the child or not. If the old man only helps the mother with the child, then the mother\’s importance to the child is the first. If the old man takes the child back, the old man\’s importance becomes the first, and the mother will take a back seat during this period. Go to the back. Some children will adapt better, and some children will not adapt so easily. Before a child is three years old, if parents leave the child for more than two months in a year, or more than two weeks at a time, it will cause psychological trauma to the child, and this trauma cannot be fully recovered. I doubt this. In fact, we also had doubts when we first saw this data. But when we came into contact with more information, we found that these data all had their origins and were not something that someone thought of in their head or randomly designed and decided. This data is definitely not groundless, because scientists did a lot of research in the 1930s and 1940s. They first observed some behavioral problems in children and discovered a pattern, that is, their relationship with their parents was relatively estranged. Later, some coincidences happened, which aroused scientists\’ interest in these issues. For example, during World War II, the British government evacuated children to safe places in order to prevent them from being harmed by German air raids. This required children to leave their parents. The parents might have to work or fight, so they sent the children to a relatively safe place. country place. At that time, some parents in the city did not want to be separated from their children, so they took the risk to keep their children with them and took them with them to avoid air raids by German planes. Because these children have detailed documents to register and countAfter the war, scientists found through research that those young children who left their parents and were sent to safety by the country and the government later stayed with their parents were better than children who risked air raids and were left with their parents. The incidence of behavioral problems is higher, and some data gaps are even larger. Therefore, everyone analyzed that it may be caused by the fact that these relatively young children left their parents at that time and their sense of security was destroyed. We have a very old video here, which was probably a black-and-white film shot in the UK in the 1940s. The protagonist of the video was a 17-month-old child named Little John. Because his mother was giving birth to a second child, she had to There was a brief separation from him. John was sent to a nursery for nine days before his mother gave birth. Taking this opportunity, two psychologists observed the child\’s changes in the nursery throughout the nine days. One was responsible for filming, and the other recorded at the scene. Finally, they edited this dozens of minutes of video, which affected the world. Scientists in many countries, including the United States and Germany, have begun to re-examine the impact of separation on children. Let us briefly introduce that before John was separated from his mother, he was a very lively and healthy child, and his relationship with his parents was also very good. On the first day he was sent to the nursery, John\’s behavior was basically normal. He could eat and sleep on time and was very cheerful. His father would stay with him for a while every night. John\’s behavior was also very normal when his father left. The most important thing is He will play with some exploratory toys, such as building blocks. But as day goes by, John\’s interests also change over time, shifting from exploratory toys to some comfort toys. He almost always stays next to a big stuffed teddy bear, and rarely touches challenging toys. Toy. Next, when his father was about to leave after visiting him again, John was very reluctant and wanted to go with his father. It took a long time for his father to comfort him. On the third or fourth day, John rarely took the initiative to eat. He preferred to eat his fingers and attract the attention of his caregivers. He would even lie on the teddy bear all day instead of playing with other toys. By the fifth day, John became irritable and often burst into tears. Until the ninth day, when his mother came to pick him up, he buried his head in the arms of the nursery caregiver and was unwilling to look up at his mother. It took a long time to slowly accept his mother\’s hug. But the relationship between him and his mother has turned from the close relationship nine days ago to indifference. The frightened and complicated expression on John\’s face, where he wants to get close but doesn\’t dare to get close, is very distressing. This video, which was recorded in its entirety, will be watched by people who study child psychology all over the world, which makes them even more convinced of everyone’s original theoretical speculation. The separation of a child from his mother is never a simple matter. So later Winnicott used a set of formulas to express it in his book \”Mother\’s Mind Lessons\”: The total time of separation between mother and child T=X+Y+Z The feeling of mother\’s presence in the child\’s heart – -Imagination (imago) X: It is the time that the mental image can last in the baby\’s mind. During this time, the baby will not be harmed. Beyond this time, the mental image will disappear, the baby\’s ability to use imagination ceases. (As the age increases, the mother has a relatively fixed image in the baby\’s mind. During this period of time, the baby adheres to the image in his heart, but the time this fixed image persists will also be affected by the baby\’s ability, The relationship between the baby and the mother, the gap between the surrounding caregivers and the mother\’s care ability, so this time is different for every baby, but the length is different) X+Y: It is a time that exceeds the baby\’s ability to bear. The baby will be distressed, but it will improve immediately when the mother comes back without much impact. (The persistence time of mental imagery is like a recharged battery. When the battery runs out, the baby will feel uncomfortable, but if the battery can be recharged in time, it will not have much impact on use.) X+Y+Z: Even if The mother has returned and the baby has been traumatized, the altered state irreparable, the continuity of survival required for psychological development disrupted. The three times X, Y, and Z gradually increase with the child\’s mental development ability. It will not be done in one step. This is why we emphasize the younger age, the relationship between the child and the mother, and especially the mother’s companionship, because in a normal family, this relationship must be between the mother and the child. Under normal circumstances, others is irreplaceable. If we do these three times well, or as the child develops with age, these three times gradually extend, then the total time the child can be separated from the mother can be extended. If these three times are not long, then the child can The total time spent separated from the mother will be shortened. Therefore, when looking at the changes in the relationship between children and mothers, it is essential to have three reference dimensions. One is continuity, especially for young children, continuity cannot be interfered with or interrupted by humans; the second is reliability, the mother must provide the child with a stable external environment; the third is that as the child gradually matures, the mother Great adaptability, can appropriately extend the time separated from the child. Having introduced so much, what are the things we need to try our best to do when we face separation from our children? Let me share three points for your reference. 1. Try not to separate. If your child is at a young age, try not to separate from his mother. To persuade the elderly at home to overcome it as much as possible, they need to go home in advance to prepare, or visit relatives and friends. If it is not a special event, these are not the most important for the child\’s growth and development and psychological construction. Protecting the child\’s psychology is The most important thing. So if you are a young child, it is best not to be separated from your parents. If separation is absolutely necessary, the time of separation should also be controlled. No more than three or four days for younger children and no more than a week for older children. We must have a spectrum in mind, and the time should not exceed the child\’s psychological endurance. In such a situation, some remedial measures can also be taken. For example, bring something with the mother\’s scent to the child; such as a towel, or some small items that the mother carries with her, and bring them with her. When the child is anxious and nervous, she can have something to comfort herself. This small thing is good for the child. The psychological help of children is actually far beyond our imagination as adults.2. Have regular contact every day. After the child leaves, the mother should have regular contact with her child every day. For example, video and phone calls to keep in touch with your children. Let the child know that he can hear his mother\’s voice and see his mother\’s face every day, so that he will feel much more relaxed. 3. Be prepared in advance. We need to be prepared in advance. During the period when the child is separated from his mother, for example, starting from the next day, some of the child\’s behaviors will be different from usual; for example, he will not sleep well at night or be prone to Awakening; for example, bedwetting or not eating properly. Some children may even react more severely and may become sick. We mentioned in the previous class that children are very magical. When children have psychological problems or anxiety, it will be reflected through the body, and they may have fever or other problems. This is what we adults need to be prepared for in advance. . When the mother meets her child in a few days, she must also be prepared in advance. The child will not be as close to the mother as she imagined. For example, you may think that after a week he will miss you very much, and after meeting you, he will throw himself into your arms, kiss you and hug you desperately, but sometimes it will be the opposite to your imagination. He will deliberately stay away from you and deliberately stay away from you. If you stick to others and don\’t get close to you, your mother needs to know that it\’s not the child who is alienated from you. Because the pressure on him during this period is really too great. After meeting him, firstly, he may not believe it is true; secondly, he may be resentful of you, thinking that you abandoned him during your absence. . Maybe you said it well when you parted, but children are children, and we adults must understand our children\’s thoughts. If when meeting the child again, the mother discovers that the child may have been hurt, the most important thing as a mother to do is to repair the wound quickly instead of complaining or blaming, because the hurt child must be cared for with meticulous care. To repair damage to the self-structure and rebuild the child\’s ability to use imagination. The more timely the repair is, the faster the child will recover; if the repair is not timely, there may be something like a scratch left behind, which will have an impact on the child. But don’t be too nervous. Although separation is a bad thing, if we handle it properly, children with normal development will also benefit from separation as they grow older. Separation will become another way to combine with the mother. This is something we need to handle carefully, that is, we emphasize the age and the quality of the mother-infant relationship. These two points are indispensable. So let’s sort out what we talked about today: ❶ For young children, try not to separate them as much as possible. ❷ If you need to separate, don’t take too long. ❸ Be prepared before separation, establish a good relationship with the child, explain it well, and bring something with the child so that he can comfort himself when he misses his mother. ❹ Always stay connected with your child during the separation process. ❺ When you meet again after separation, mother must be mentally prepared. Your child may not be very close to you all of a sudden. It is also necessary to observe that children may show some regression when they are separated. The regression we are talking about means that they are originally very lively and have the ability to take care of themselves.Children may become smaller, act coquettishly, clingy, timid, and may have slight changes in eating and sleeping problems. These are very normal phenomena and parents must understand them. When we prepare these, we will know how to deal with these problems, or if there are any omissions, we can repair them as much as possible, timely and accurately. But if your child is very happy after being separated from his mother and doesn\’t express much after seeing each other again, it may be that the mother\’s quality is not very good when the child is with the mother. Then this is a very clear signal, reminding the mother that she did not do well when she was with her children in the past and needs to make timely adjustments. She should invest more emotions when getting along with her children in the future.