For children who cannot withstand setbacks, their parents must have failed to do these four steps

A few days ago, a mother consulted in the background: \”Recently, I have discovered that my child\’s frustration ability is poor, and he will give up or become discouraged when encountering difficulties. Is there any good way to improve his child\’s frustration ability?\” I discussed a topic with her at that time. The magic story of \”Just Chasing the First Place\”: A girl fell last every time she ran in physical education class due to her frail body. This made her very frustrated. The girl\’s mother comforted her: \”It doesn\’t matter. You are the youngest and can run at the end. But remember, your goal next time is: just chase the one in front.\” The little girl remembered it. According to her mother, when she runs again, she will try her best to catch up with the classmates in front of her. As a result, she went from last to last, to second to third, to fourth… Before the semester was over, her running scores had reached the middle level, and she also slowly started to like physical education classes. Is \”just chasing the previous one\” really so effective? Yes, in fact, this uses a theory proposed by the former Soviet psychologist Vygotsky – the \”Zone of Proximal Development\” theory, which divides children\’s development into two levels: one is the ability to use one\’s own knowledge and experience independently Complete a task; one that cannot be completed independently but can be completed with the encouragement and help of a more skilled person. Children are afraid of difficulties and have low frustration resistance, often because their goals are beyond their \”zone of proximal development\”. If the goal is set reasonably, let him achieve it as soon as he can, and then continue to increase the amount, he will continue to receive positive feedback, which will be more conducive to cultivating his habit of continuous efforts and not giving up easily. So how to use the \”Zone of Proximal Development\” theory to cultivate children\’s frustration? Dan’s mother recommends guiding children from four aspects. Guide children to view success or failure correctly ● Success ≠ correct, failure ≠ wrong. In the eyes of children, the definitions of \”success\” and \”failure\”, and how to face the attitudes of the two, actually come from the reflection of parents. When we face the various performances of children, no matter good or bad, we must not use our own subjective definitions to label children, and elevate success or failure to the concept of right or wrong. Just like a child who cannot memorize a Tang poem smoothly, we cannot deny and attack a child\’s IQ by labeling him or her \”you are so stupid\”. This is a fatal blow to the child\’s small and sensitive self-esteem. ●Recognizing and accepting children\’s frustrations requires children to understand that difficulties and setbacks are not only encountered by him, but also by other children and parents. Dingdang is now in the exploratory stage, and he will stomp his feet anxiously when he encounters difficulties. Every time this happens, I will tell him seriously: \”Baby, it\’s okay, mom knows this is difficult, and mom understands you. Sometimes mom also encounters difficulties. , just as scared and unsure as you.\” Recognize and accept your child\’s emotions and tell him that everyone will encounter difficulties. Only in this way can your child understand that fear of difficulties is not shameful. Provide help and set adversity areas within reach of children ● Use tools to help children overcome difficulties. Dingdang suddenly fell in love with climbing on the sofa for a while. When he first started crawling, he stared at his little fleshy legs and fluttered desperately, but he couldn\’t reach them. Try After a few times, he fell down and fell on the floor mat. He was about to burst into tears. I quickly took out a pillow and put it at his feet and told him: \”It\’s because of Ding Dong.\”It\’s not high enough yet. We need to eat more to grow taller before we can climb up. But we can climb up by stepping on the small pillow. \”He seemed to understand. He hummed and slowly climbed up on the pillow. He felt very accomplished when he climbed up. Later, he gradually realized that it was not just a small pillow, but also a small stool and a small book. Small toys can be used as tools for him to climb up the sofa. For children, there are too many tasks that cannot be completed, so we adults can guide children to complete tasks with the help of tools within a safe and controllable range. On the one hand, it helps children overcome obstacles and gain a sense of accomplishment; on the other hand, it can also subtly guide them to think and find ways to solve difficulties on their own. ● Break down difficulties and provide solutions. For older children, Dan’s mother feels that providing ideas is better than providing tools. It’s more important. Just like my little nephew loved to draw for a while, he was always full of confidence in the familiar things he painted, but he would be resistant to objects that he couldn’t draw well. One painting class assignment required everyone to After returning home, I drew a portrait for a family member. The little nephew sat at the desk with his head downcast. He drew a few strokes on his father and his mother. He just took the pen and scribbled on the paper, and finally he said angrily. Nao: \”You guys are not easy to draw at all, so I don\’t want to draw you. The whole family couldn\’t laugh or cry. I walked over and asked him: \”You can\’t draw mom for a while and dad for a while. You can choose one person to draw.\” \”Using this to guide him to determine the small goal of painting, he thought about it and decided to paint his mother. Then I asked him: \”Look at my mother\’s hair, clothes, and skirts today. We can paint them part by part first. You Where do you want to draw my mother first?\” He began to draw a face on the paper. Then I continued to guide: \”Look at mom\’s hair. Is it tied up or loose?\” My nephew followed my steps and slowly drew the general appearance of my mom. From a psychological point of view, everyone has a safe zone. For children, they will also radiate a \”safe zone of ability\” based on their own abilities and understanding of the world. When they are afraid of something difficult or frustrated, it is actually because the target task is outside their \”safe range\”. At this time, we have to break down the difficulties and turn the big difficulties into small ones that can be overcome one by one. Difficulties can be reached by letting the children stand on tiptoes. The process of thinking is not only a process of solving problems, but also a process of consolidating confidence and strengthening resilience against frustration. Encourage the child to use his brain to solve problems. If he builds blocks for a period of time and fails to put them up or the blocks fall over while building them, he will cry in frustration. At this time, I would accompany him to build the blocks, and then push the blocks down in front of him: \”Baby, you see, the blocks can be stacked or pushed down. This is a way of having fun.\” After pushing down, we continued on the spot. Build small trains, small triangles, small patterns, etc. on the ground. In the process, I tried to guide him to understand: \”Stacking high\” is not the only goal of playing with building blocks. There is a lot of fun in building a high pile, and there is also the beauty of falling down. There are 100 ways to succeed, and the method will be the same. There are 100 kinds. It’s not just about playing with blocks, it’s actually a lot of loveAll situations require parents to face them with a growth-oriented mind. Teach their children not to sit back and wait for death when facing setbacks, nor to dwell on the dead end, but to have the wisdom of \”making mountains when encountering mountains and crossing rivers\”, so that children can learn to create new ones from them. path, looking for a way out. Regarding guiding children to use their brains to solve problems, here I would like to share a magic sentence with everyone: \”Can you think of a better way?\” If you ask more, you will find that there are real surprises. Make good use of praise: Praise hard work instead of praise smartness. Professor Dweck of Stanford University once conducted a study on the relationship between children\’s praise and frustration ability. The conclusion of the study is: Children who are praised for being smart will avoid challenges; on the contrary , children who are praised for their hard work are more willing to choose challenges. ●Children who are praised for their intelligence are more likely to give up; on the contrary, children who are praised for their hard work are actively looking for ways to solve problems. ●Children who are praised for being smart are more likely to lie about their grades because they want to maintain their smart image; while children who are praised for hard work have no psychological burden and feel that as long as they work hard, they will be recognized by everyone. Therefore, if parents want to cultivate their children\’s frustration resistance and improve their fear of difficulties, a very important way is to learn to praise. The art of praising children does directly affect their ability to resist frustration.