\”For the sake of your children, please get a divorce.\”

A few days ago, a mother told me that she had been divorced for three years and she didn’t know how to educate her children. To be honest, when I saw this question, I was confused. Because, in my opinion, the education method of single-parent children is actually no different from that of children in two-parent families. When children go to school, they should go to school. When children go to play, they should play well. If there is anything really different, it may be that later in life, when parents need to make major decisions such as remarriage or changing jobs, they may need to pay more attention and care to their children. Because it may take him some time to accept such a thing. That\’s all. However, when I communicated this idea to this mother, she was skeptical. She continued to ask me, is it really that easy to educate children from single-parent families? Don’t various books say that children who grow up in single-parent families may be less likely to feel happy and may encounter more problems? If I don’t make some preparations in advance, will my child really not be affected? Hearing these words, I had mixed feelings. This mother is a mother who is willing to sacrifice everything for the happiness of her children. She is willing to do her best to let her children grow up healthily. However, I feel that she despises herself and her children. Because children raised by single parents are not that vulnerable. Not all the problems we see in children are caused by single parents. Single parent is not the most important factor in determining a child\’s happiness. I have heard a long-standing saying: It doesn\’t matter if parents don\’t love each other. As long as they maintain \”surface\” harmony in front of the child and don\’t quarrel in front of the child, the child will not be affected. impact on their relationship as a couple. However, many times children are smarter than we think. Whether the relationship between husband and wife is good or not is sometimes judged not through words. Because children instinctively watch their parents\’ words and emotions. Children will feel what is happening between their parents through the way they speak, facial expressions, and body language. When I was a child, I lived in an environment where my parents had serious conflicts. Yes, although my parents are not divorced, they will have a big argument almost every 2 or 3 days, and the quarrel will be endless. When it is serious, my mother will point at my father’s nose and scold him with unpleasant swear words, and my father will stay up all night after yelling. Return. Every time there was a dispute, my mother would come to me to complain and complain about all the things wrong with my father. When she talks about something sad, her tears will fall down uncontrollably. Living in such a family, I didn\’t dare to resist or speak, and then I became a very well-behaved and sensible child. You don’t have to worry about your studies, you choose to handle problems yourself, and you have to take on the responsibility of taking care of your mother’s emotions. Some uncles and aunts used to envy my parents, saying that they were lucky to have a well-behaved child like me. However, only I know how painful it is. At that time, I always felt that it was because I had done something wrong that my parents didn\’t love each other so much. If I can\’t do something to make up for it, then I will be ashamed of my mother. Many times, \”good boy\” is not such a good term. tooFrom a psychological perspective, being well-behaved means that you suppress yourself too much, dare not express yourself, and have weak vitality, so that your psychological growth will be much slower than that of other people of the same age. As a child, family was my least favorite place. Sometimes, I even envy children whose parents are divorced. At least they don\’t have to take on so many responsibilities that don\’t belong to them. Since the 1990s, more and more psychologists have begun to agree with this statement: Although divorce will have some negative effects on children, this effect is time-limited, and the majority of children who suffer lasting negative effects do not make up the majority. , most children can get out of the shadow of their parents\’ divorce, and even develop better than some children from intact families. Yes, although divorce will have a periodic impact on children. But compared to divorce itself, the conflict between parents is often the real cause of children\’s misfortune. The higher the degree of parental discord, the higher the degree of divorce, the subjective well-being of children will increase, and it will be much higher than that of children with intact but conflict-ridden families. In my opinion, a mother who has the courage to come out of an unhappy marriage is far greater than a mother who uses her children as an excuse to stay in a marriage without making changes. At least, she doesn\’t use her children as a shield to cover up her failure in marriage. Children\’s problems are not necessarily due to single parents. In the eyes of many people, children from single-parent families have many serious problems. If you don’t believe it, you often see articles full of threats when you open your circle of friends: “Divorce will cause children to have low self-esteem.” “Children from single-parent families are more likely to have learning disabilities, have worse grades, and are more likely to get stuck in online games.”… It seems that single-parent families Children are high-risk teenagers. They are born with unstable factors. Their future is destined to be worse than children from two-parent families. They should not have good partners and good incomes. However, Internet addiction, puppy love, fighting, and not liking to read are not exclusive to children of single parents. As long as you study carefully, you will find that ordinary families have the same problems that single-parent children have. Remember the girl who was hit with a hockey stick by her father and her tailbone was fractured? Her parents love each other harmoniously and have a lot of assets. They attach great importance to their children\’s education and regard their daughter as the apple of their eye. In the 14 years before they went out to rent a room with a boy, they had never hit or scolded a girl. However, this girl who has been immersed in love since childhood did not become a winner in life according to the script we expected. At a certain stage of her growth, her parents still worried about her. Not loving learning, loving adventure, falling in love early, and being unable to stop playing games. In my opinion, these problems are actually not big problems, or in fact, these problems can be solved through negotiation with the children. Our children, in the transition stage from children to adults, often face the two major life tasks of self-identity and interpersonal communication. In this process, children will inevitably become sensitive, have low self-esteem, care about other people\’s evaluations, and become confused. In other words, when a child shows sensitivity, low self-esteem, fear of evaluation, and confusion at a certain stage, it is not necessarily related to a single parent. Most children who are labeled as \”problems\” do not actually have psychological problems, they just do not have very good self-control ability. bigThe frontal lobe of the brain does not mature until the age of 30. Children\’s self-control is not very strong. In addition, they do not have a clear sense of goals for their future life, so they tend to be more impulsive, adventurous, and novel and exciting. However, the function of the prefrontal lobe will gradually improve with age, and children will find their own direction in life after gaining a clearer understanding of the world. One day, when children grow up to be adults, they will calm down, let go of some things they don\’t need, and develop in the direction they want. Therefore, when something happens to a child that does not seem so good to us adults, can we not first attribute the problem to \”single parent\”; but return to the real problems, communicate well with the child, and work together to solve the problem. A positive and optimistic attitude to solve problems. After all, the parent-child relationship is the foundation of family education. This is not affected by single-parent families or two-parent families. Completeness is not necessarily the best state. A complete family usually has two levels of meaning, one is structural integrity, and the other is functional integrity. Although a single-parent family is structurally incomplete, it does not necessarily mean that the family function is incomplete. Single mothers/fathers, I think that instead of worrying about the education of their children after divorce, it is better to put aside their own prejudices against \”single parents\”. After all, if you even think that a single-parent family is \”incomplete\”, \”abnormal\”, or should be sympathized with, then this kind of thinking will subtly affect the development of the child and make the child feel uneasy. In terms of education, you don\’t need to deliberately distinguish between single parents and double parents. At the same time, please don’t accept others labeling your divorced self as “unhappy” or “irresponsible”. Because, I believe you, like most divorced people, you did not think of divorce at the beginning. The reason why you chose divorce is because you can\’t find a suitable way to get along with each other after years of running-in, so your love gradually grows. The coldness and hatred gradually deepened. It is not your fault that you chose to divorce. This is just a way for you and him to deal with it. You always have the ability to give your children a happy childhood. Social progress is first reflected in inclusiveness. I believe that an open, tolerant and progressive society will allow children of single parents to thrive.