Forcing children to be \”generous\” will raise children who are more \”stingy and stingy\”

Dingding is 8 years old. In her mother\’s eyes, she is a greedy and stingy child. She often eats or plays with other people\’s things without any scruples, but she is reluctant to share her own things. Several children go out to play together, and everyone brings out snacks to eat. Dingding eats other people\’s food without any scruples, but when it is her turn to take out food to eat, she will act hesitant and stingy. Take eating potato chips as an example. When Dingding eats other people\’s potato chips, she grabs a big pile. But if it\’s her potato chips, she will be careful and only give one piece to the children at a time. If any child takes more, After a few slices, Dingding would scream and grab the extra potato chips, or threaten the child who took the extra chips: \”If you don\’t return it, I will never give it to you again.\” The same goes for Dingding when playing with toys with children. She plays with other people\’s toys without any scruples, but when others go to her house and play with her toys, she is often not allowed to play with this one or touch that one. Every time she encounters such a situation, Dingding’s mother will feel sorry and guilty. She will educate Dingding in time and let her share. Dingding will also make appropriate changes under her mother\’s education. But the next time she encounters a similar scene, she will still be just as stingy. Ding Ding’s mother couldn’t figure out why her daughter didn’t change her ways even though she was tired of being taught. Even though she was 8 years old, she was still so stingy. Because I am familiar with Ding Ding, I have also seen Ding Ding being \”stingy\”. Every time before, I advised Dingding’s mother not to criticize her. Until one time I personally experienced Dingding’s “stinginess”. That day, I took Zaizai and met Dingding and Dingding’s mother in the garden. The two children first shared Zai Zai\’s cherries. After eating, Ding Ding\’s mother happily took out a cucumber and said she grew it for Zai Zai to eat. At this time, Dingding snatched the cucumber back, pouting and shouting: \”This is mine.\” Her mother glared at her and said, \”Why are you so stingy? You have eaten this cucumber at home, and you just After eating so many cherries, you still can\’t bear to part with a cucumber?\” Dingding grabbed the cucumber tightly and said, \”I picked this.\” Mom was angry and resentful, and also grabbed the cucumber and said, \”There are still more at home. , go home and pick it again, give this to Zai Zai.\” Seeing the scene was a bit embarrassing, Zai Zai said: \”No, I don\’t eat cucumbers.\” Ding Ding\’s mother said: \”You are 8 years old, and you are still so stingy, always so stingy How will you get along in society in the future?\” After hearing what her mother said, Dingding clutched the cucumber even more nervously and was about to cry. I quickly squatted down and said to Dingding: \”Dingding picked this cucumber. Dingding is very precious, right?\” Dingding nodded. \”Dingding wants to make the decision on his own, right?\” Dingding nodded again. \”Okay, you can keep this cucumber. You and Zai Zai can go play first? Let\’s put the cucumber at mom\’s place first.\” Ding Ding then put it down and ran away to play with Zai Zai. Dingding’s mother let out a long sigh and said, “What should I do if my daughter is like this? What will I do if she is so stingy? I really don’t know who she is like. Her father and I are not like this!” I thought about it carefully. Ding Ding\’s behavior, she said to Ding Ding\’s mother: \”Have you always forced her to share, especially when she was about 2 years old? Have you never allowed her to show any selfish behavior?\” Ding DingMom thought about it and said, \”Yes.\” Dingding\’s mother told me that her sister\’s daughter was one year older than Dingding. When I was young, my grandmother often watched the two children together. The two children often had disputes over toys or food. At this time, my grandmother would ask them to take out their things and share them with each other. She said that from that time on, Ding Ding often acted particularly stingy. There are some toys that she never touches. Every time her sister takes them out to play with, Dingding will grab them and say, \”This is mine.\” Sometimes, Dingding will hug the toys that her sister brings over. Say \”This is mine\”. For this reason, Dingding’s parents taught Dingding many times. Every time, after being taught a lesson, Dingding would get a little better, but most of the time, she would behave very stingy. Elderly people at home, relatives, and parents have taught her this many times, but Dingding just doesn\’t change. I used to think that as I grew older, this bad habit would be corrected. Who knew that now that she is eight years old, she would still be so stingy. I told Dingding’s mother that next time she encounters such a situation, she will give Dingding the decision-making power. Whether she feels the need to share or doesn\’t want to share at all, tell her she can make up her own mind. Dingding’s mother said, “That’s not possible. If that’s the case, she will definitely be reluctant to share it.” I told Dingding’s mother that even if Dingding was completely unwilling to take it out, we must respect her choice. The reason why Ding Ding becomes what he is now is entirely due to the lack of sense of boundaries when he was about 2 years old. When a child is just born, he thinks that he and his mother are one. He feels that \”I\” is his mother and his mother is \”me\”. As the child grows up day by day, especially after he can crawl and run, his self-awareness gradually emerges and he begins to realize that his mother and himself are two independent individuals. Outside of his mother, there is an \”I\”, this \”I\” Can control one\’s own actions and direction. As this self grows, children begin to become possessive. At first, he couldn\’t distinguish between \”I\” and \”you\”. He felt that everything he saw was \”mine\”, so his own toys, the toys he saw outside and even the ones he saw in the store, He felt it was \”mine\”. This understanding will make him have no scruples, and he will hold it in his hands, whether it is his own or someone else\’s. He only understands that his things are \”mine\”, but he doesn\’t know that his things should be shared with everyone, nor does he understand that other people\’s things cannot be taken. Therefore, children aged one and a half to two years old will have many selfish behaviors: they will not let others touch their toys, even those toys that are never touched at home. If a child comes to play with them, he will pick them up. Grab it. This is a declaration of self-sovereignty. At the same time, he will grab other people\’s toys when he goes outside, which is also a sign that he has no sense of boundaries. This is the case with Dingding. Her sense of boundaries has been artificially destroyed since she was a child, and her self has not been respected, so she is even more \”stingy\”. Because of uncertainty, we worry about gains and losses. Therefore, when the child\’s self begins to emerge, the child must understand the two boundaries between \”mine\” and \”not mine\”. As long as it is the child\’s thing, let him make the final decision. Allow him not to play with other children, allow him to be stingy and stingy. While doing this, you should alsoLet the child know that \”you cannot touch things that are not yours without permission.\” \”You cannot take other people\’s things and play with them without permission.\” When a child has absolute control over his own things, he also clearly understands that he cannot take other people\’s things and play with them without permission. After touching, he will clearly establish boundaries. In this process, there are several things that need to be noted: First, the attitude must be consistent. As long as it belongs to the child, no matter who wants to play with it, the control rights must be given to the child and let him make the decision. Tell others: \”This toy belongs to the baby. You have to ask him whether he agrees or not!\” Whether to give it to others or not. Let the child decide how long to play and how to play, so that the child will understand that he has absolute control. In this process, the child will gradually realize that this thing is mine. As long as it is mine, I will not lose it if I give it to others to play with for a while. This will help him build a sense of security within himself. When this sense of security is established, the child will generously allow others to play with his things. The same attitude here also includes the attitude towards outsiders. Some parents have different attitudes towards different guests. For example, the children of ordinary friends may be able to insist that the children make their own decisions, but if important guests bring their children, the parents will change their attitude and take out all the children\’s toys for others to choose from. Sometimes, when the children of relatives come over, parents are afraid of being accused and feel that they cannot allow their children to be so \”selfish\”. If a child is too selfish, it means that they have not educated them well, so they force the children to share. These are all wrong practices and will make children worry about gains and losses, making them more uncertain and less confident. Then the children may behave more stingy and be reluctant to share with important guests or relatives. Because he will regard the other party as a predator. Secondly, when your child plays with other people\’s belongings, you must firmly let him know that he must get permission from others. As long as it is not your child\’s item, let your child know that it is not his before using it. If he wants to play with it, he must abide by the rules. If it is another child\’s toy, the child should ask the other person\’s opinion first and only play with the other person\’s consent. When someone else takes it back, they must exchange it back as soon as possible. If it is a toy in a public place, children must know how to line up and abide by the rules and order of public places. In this way, children will gradually understand how to abide by other people\’s boundaries and abide by the rules in public places. Some parents have a very two-sided attitude. They let their children decide on their children\’s toys. However, when their children take a fancy to other people\’s toys, they cannot uphold their principles. Especially when their children cry, they will not hesitate to try their best to take the toys away from them. . Such an approach will of course raise selfish children. The child will have no boundaries at all and feel that as long as he wants, he can be satisfied. Some parents will not abide by public order, fearing that their children will suffer a loss in public places, and will help their children snatch toys. These practices will also cultivate \”naughty children\”. Some mothers worry that when their children gain control over themselves and learn to respect the boundaries of others, their children will become more selfish. The answer is, no! Everyone has the need for social interaction. In interactions with each other, children naturallyThere will be thoughts of playing with other people\’s toys. At this time, the mother can tell the child that you can exchange your toys with him! In this way, during the exchange process, children will gradually discover that sharing will help them get more and play with the toys they want to play with. At the same time, their belongings will not be lost and will come back. In this way, the child\’s inner sense of security is gradually established. Slowly, as he interacts with more people day by day, he will become more generous. Because he knows that his efforts will not lose the items he owns, but will gain more. Of course, there is a development process from \”selfishness\” to \”generousness\”, which is gradually established based on the growth of the child. Generally, children will learn to share consciously without the guidance of adults until they are 4 or even 5 years old. If a child has never experienced being in charge, then he is likely to be \”stingy\” like Ding Ding by the age of 8. Because she is unsure of her dominance. Therefore, if you want your children to be generous, parents should not blindly ask their 3-4 year old children to be humble or share. Satisfy the child\’s possessiveness, let the child understand the boundaries of respecting others, and then gradually educate the child to learn to communicate and share, so that the child will not be selfish. If the child is as old as Dingding and is still stingy and stingy, parents need to give her more time to help her build a sense of security with her belongings. Because the child has accumulated a lot of emotions, she may act more \”stingy\” when the decision-making power is first handed over to her. At this time, parents must allow and accept her behavior and encourage her to bravely stick to her own decisions. choose. When a child discovers through trial and error that she really has the upper hand, she will gradually establish a sense of boundaries. This process takes two to three times longer than before. Moreover, the children already have a strong mentality of worrying about gains and losses, so the process will be even more torturous. Parents must be able to withstand their children\’s torment at this time. Only when you get it first will you be more willing to give!