Gao Xiaosong talks about the relationship between father and son for the first time. Which adult doesn’t bear the pain of childhood?

In the recent \”Qi Pa Conference\”, Gao Xiaosong talked about his native family for the first time. He said that due to the influence of his original family, especially his dissatisfaction with the father-son relationship, he lived a very individual and unpleasant life in the first twenty years, and had many problems. How bad is his relationship with his father? He said that as far as his mother recalled, he had never asked his father a question. This heart-wrenching monologue surprised me. It turned out that Gao Xiaosong, who seemed to only care about poetry and the distance, and lived a carefree and happy life, also carried childhood wounds. Now forty-nine-year-old Gao Xiaosong has gone through enough chaos. When he stood on a larger stage again, his face was filled with only calm and wisdom. Tian Pujun said: \”In today\’s society, if you can live to make people jealous, don\’t live to make people sympathetic.\” At this time, Gao Xiaosong replied, which was very wise. He said: \”But if you can live a life that makes people like it, don\’t live a life that makes people jealous.\” When he talked about his relationship with his father again, he said: In the past, because the relationship between father and son was so bad, he refused to see the good side of his father. When I look back, I can see that my father also had many interesting thoughts, but there was one point that was not as round as a circle. But at that time, I had to point to that place. After experiencing the ups and downs of life, he has learned to reconcile with his father. Hong Kong actor Anthony Wong has become a well-known actor with his mature acting skills. However, last month, a piece of news showed that the BBC helped Huang Qiusheng find his biological father\’s family, which had been separated for more than 50 years, and exposed his original family to the public. People have to sigh: Huang Qiusheng, who has always been unruly, angry and outspoken, actually lived such a miserable childhood. Anthony Wong\’s British biological father, Perry, was an out-and-out scumbag. He hid the fact that he had a family and met Anthony Wong\’s mother while he was posted in Hong Kong and gave birth to a son. When Anthony Wong was 4 years old, his father suddenly left. After that, we had correspondence, but there was no news from his father since he was 12 years old. For most of his life, Anthony Wong never gave up searching for his father. He posted a photo with his father online. The BBC actually helped him find his two half-brothers John and David in the UK, and they were recently reunited. The two brothers are 74 years old, and their father Perry passed away in 1988. Huang Qiusheng, who did not receive his father\’s love in his childhood, also harbored resentment towards his father. Once, Anthony Wong was hospitalized due to intestinal gas. His mother had no money and called his father for help. He actually said that he would not answer the phone until Hong Kong paid. This incident made Anthony Wong extremely chilling. Later, my mother had no choice but to remarry in order to make a living, but the relationship between my stepfather and Anthony Wong was also very bad. The lack of father\’s love made him very insecure. Anthony Wong recalled: \”I was very unhappy and felt that I was garbage.\” In addition to the lack of father\’s love, , his mother also brought him pain with her own hands. He once said that his mother was too tragic and an expert in suicide. She made him drink washing powder when he was a baby. It took him a long time to get out of his mother\’s shadow. Anthony Wong once laughed at himself about his life experience: \”Single-parent family, abandoned by his father,I am ashamed of my father, I am of mixed Chinese and English descent, and my family is so poor. Wow, this is so exciting. All I have to do is be gay, which is perfect. \”How much bitterness do you need to go through before you can treat your pain as a joke? Under the news, many netizens were particularly indignant. They left messages one after another: \”He is such a scumbag, why are you still looking for him. \”You should not forgive such an irresponsible father.\” \”However, after a brief reunion with his two brothers, Anthony Wong smiled with great satisfaction: \”I discovered that there are things worth being happy about. Facing the person whom he once deeply hated, he said with emotion: \”Dad must think that I am a good boy now, so he sent two brothers to me.\” \”That long-lost sense of belonging allowed him to reconcile with the man he had hated for half his life. In fact, it was not so much reconciling with his father as it was reconciling with himself for the first half of his life. He forgave his father and let himself go. . But many people find it difficult to reconcile with themselves throughout their lives. Wu Zhihong once shared a story: There was a girl who had been in love with her boyfriend for three years and was very loving, but her mother refused to agree, and finally forced her to die. When asked why she stopped her daughter\’s relationship, the mother suddenly fell into a state of hysteria and shouted: \”She told me before that she would tell me everything, but it turned out that she was secretly in love for half a year before I discovered it. ! She used to be obedient to me, she was my caring little cotton-padded jacket! \”The words that were not shouted behind my mother\’s back must be: She betrayed me. Therefore, this is not a question of love, but a question of whether the child listens to his parents. Later, the girl chose \”filial piety\” and had to She reluctantly broke up with her beloved boyfriend. But then she ran away, left her mother, and confronted her parents in a tragic breakup. In the eyes of many children, filial piety is probably the word they are most afraid of hearing, because any time \” \”Disobedient\” and self-resistance can all be tied to another thing called \”filial piety\”. As long as you are disobedient, you are unfilial; as long as you oppose, you are also unfilial. There is a group on Douban called \”Parents Are Disasters\”. In this group, many people with trauma from their original family accuse their parents of \”torture\”. There are many stories like this girl\’s. This group refuses to accept any talk of reconciliation with their parents and expels members who promote love for their parents. There is only one voice in the group: \”against parents.\” In their eyes, home is the most unforgivable place in the world. Last year, Dr. Wang Meng from Peking University did not go home for 12 years and blocked his parents for six years. He wrote The 10,000-word long article accusing his parents went viral on We Media. However, you must know that this case is not unique. The son of the fourth aunt’s family, who is thirty-two years old, graduated from a 985 college in computer science at an IT start-up company in Beijing. The old couple has been selling vegetables for most of their lives. They go out early and come back late every day, in the wind and rain. Because they have tasted all the warmth and coldness of the world, they have asked their cousin to study hard since they were young, so that they don’t have to live that hard and heavy life. The fourth aunt is very strict, When her cousin failed in the exam, she was always scolded. She couldn\’t explain why. She only knew that life at the bottom of society was difficult. My cousin neverXiao studied very diligently and his grades were always among the best. However, after going to work, I almost never went home. Every New Year, my fourth aunt would clean my cousin\’s room thoroughly and dry the bedding again and again… However, my cousin would only make a phone call in New Year\’s Day and say that he was very busy and had no time to go home. But I know that he is actually not that busy. In his circle of friends, he either goes to Japan to see cherry blossoms or to Sanya to bask in the sun… I couldn\’t bear to see the loneliness in Si Gu\’s eyes, so I advised him to go home often. . But he told me righteously: I will never forget her beatings and scoldings when she was a child. In her eyes, scores will always be closer than sons. I have a psychological shadow. This is my childhood trauma. The damage caused by my original family will follow me for a lifetime and cannot be changed. You will never understand. Well, it’s the original family’s fault. Later, my cousin\’s business failed and he owed one million. He called his fourth aunt: \”Mom, I owe one million.\” Fourth aunt quietly sold the house at home, borrowed money from all relatives, and raised 800,000 yuan for him. She told her cousin firmly on the phone: \”Son, it\’s okay. I can still make money for your mother, and she will earn it for you.\” Fourth aunt started her own life of getting up early and working late at night selling vegetables. However, she was already sixty-five years old. Advanced age. Early that morning, my cousin came back from Beijing and saw his mother who had already started busy batching vegetables at four in the morning. She was hunched over, carrying heavy objects, and stumbling in the dark… The five-foot-old man standing in the cold wind couldn\’t stop. Live and cry. Later, he told me that at that moment, he suddenly felt that his energetic self was shameless. In the past, he only saw the unrest of the years, but he did not see his parents moving forward with a more difficult burden. Whatever is the fault of the family of origin, get the hell out of it. The term \”original family\” was originally just a term used in the field of psychological counseling. In recent years, it has suddenly become popular in China and has become so popular that it is outrageous. All the dissatisfaction, unsatisfactoriness, problems that cannot be corrected, personality obstacles that cannot be overcome, and thresholds that cannot be passed when accepting people and treating people, all seem to correspond to a certain parenting style in the original family. Going to the family of origin to find the root of the problem originates from the classic school of psychoanalysis. But in psychology, after we analyze and find the root cause of the problem, we will also use various consulting techniques to guide us, and through the arousal of inner strength, we can achieve reconciliation with ourselves and become open-minded. However, when this psychological concept was spread, many people only saw the first half and automatically blocked the second half. So the \”original family\” became his reason to escape the status quo, and there was no cost. Does our family of origin have any influence on us? Yes, and there is a relatively close connection. However, this is not the end. \”Satya\” tells us that the most important thing is to treat parents, partners, and children as \”people.\” Only in this way can we see each other\’s desires, values, characteristics, and vitality. Since we are born as humans, we have our own limitations. Recognizing the mistakes of the original family is not to blame the parents, but to give oneself a chance to start over. From this starting point, start again, review your past, sort out past events, and find the right and wrong experiences. Have faith, even ifHaving childhood trauma does not necessarily prevent us from achieving happiness and achievement. The original family is the sail, and you are the wind. It is never the sail, but the wind that determines where you go.