Good parents must be \”obedient\”

I usually communicate with my friends to educate others, but when it comes to my own \”naughty children\”, there is always a standard that everyone likes to use: whether the child is obedient or not. When it comes to saying that one\’s own children are \”obedient\”, they are complacent; if they are \”disobedient\”, they shake their heads repeatedly. In fact, the key to whether a child is obedient or not depends on whether the parents are \”obedient\”. Every weekend, my friend Lao Lin sends his son to interest classes. English in the morning and violin in the afternoon. Lao Lin\’s biggest headache was his English class in the morning. My son dilly-dallyed every night and didn\’t want to sleep, and in the morning he didn\’t want to think about it. Someone gave Lao Lin advice, saying that the best way to cure \”dalways\” is to let the children bear the consequences themselves. One night, Lao Lin specifically told his son that he would not be rushed tomorrow and would be scolded by the teacher if he was late. As a result, I was really late the next day. My son was scolded by the teacher. As soon as he got home, he threw away his schoolbag and said, \”I don\’t want to go to this training class anyway.\” I was only ten minutes late, and the teacher was really annoying. When Lao Lin heard this, he became very angry: \”It\’s not because you are dawdling every day and I told you many times to get up early, but you still have the nerve to say that the teacher is wrong.\” The son was so angry that he slammed the door and entered the room. Lao Lin was defeated in the first battle and couldn\’t help complaining: I thought I would have a long memory after being scolded. This brat is so disobedient. In fact, it\’s not that this trick doesn\’t work, or that the child is too \”bearish\”, but that Lao Lin won\’t be \”obedient\”. The child was criticized and complained because he was emotional at that time. This is a very normal reaction. Lao Lin\’s feedback was to judge the child\’s right and wrong. It did not resolve the child\’s emotions. Instead, it made the child feel that his feelings were unreasonable, thus stimulating his anger. Why do we need to understand our children’s feelings? Tell me your own story and you will understand. One day, due to a colleague\’s mistake, an emergency situation occurred in the department. Director Wu of the department quickly summoned everyone to deal with the emergency. I also put down the work at hand and help my colleagues deal with it. Things got a bit tricky and we were so busy that we didn\’t even have lunch. It was not taken care of until just before get off work. Just as I was getting ready to get off work, the leader of the unit, Mr. Wang, came to me and asked me if I had prepared the speech notes for the meeting the next day. I was disrupted by unexpected events, and I forgot about the meeting the next day when I was busy. I had to tell Mr. Wang that I was not ready yet because I was dealing with an emergency. Or work overtime at night. When Mr. Wang heard this, he glared at me and angrily said to me in front of all the colleagues in the office: I won’t listen to reasons. I told you this morning, it’s not finished yet, what to eat. A room full of colleagues watched me being scolded, but no one could explain to me. After Mr. Wang finished speaking, he left angrily. I sat down to work overtime alone, finished my work, and came home very late, feeling extremely depressed. When I got home, I couldn\’t help but tell the child\’s father what happened at work. Unexpectedly, after listening, he just glanced at me and said: Of course the task assigned to you by the boss is the most important. You should complete the leadership work first and stop meddling in other people\’s business. I feel so sad. I couldn\’t help but interrupt him and said, \”Stop talking, I understand.\” Of course I knew I had a problem, but I didn\’t tell him just to listen to his opinions. He didn\’t hear the reason why I said this, because I am very stressed and in a bad mood, and I need to find a place to talk and resolve. He didn\’t sense the emotion in my words, which was: \”I\’m sad.\” The advice he gave me didn\’t help me at all. Instead, it made me feel more confused and disorganized. But if he said: \”Today is such a bad day. You have been under so much pressure and criticized by the leader, you must be very sad.\” Then he came over and gave me a hug, and I would definitely feel better. Because he understood my feelings, I felt relieved and relieved. In fact, this is what is called \”empathy.\” When I was a kid, when I watched translated European and American movies, I felt that their discourse system was very unfamiliar. For example, if a child complains to his father about teachers, classmates, and interpersonal relationships at school, the father may just go over and hug him and say: \”This sounds really bad.\” At that time, he will think: What? This doesn\’t seem to be as expected. In fact, this is also the way to deal with \”empathy\”. Parents who are \”obedient\” must find out what their children are saying and why they are saying these words to you; they must also be able to understand the emotions contained in their children\’s words. Only in this way can we truly get into the children\’s hearts, share their feelings with them, and help them release themselves from their emotions. How can we be \”obedient\”? 1. To truly identify with your child’s feelings, when your child is talking, please put down your work or put away your mobile phone, listen to him with 12 minutes of patience and consistent focus, and give feedback to him from time to time. . For example: \”Hmm…\” \”Oh…\” \”That\’s right…\” instead of trying to ask questions or give suggestions. After he finishes speaking, he elaborates on the child\’s emotions and the reasons for them, and expresses them objectively. \”Because…, you feel sad.\” \”Well, you must be very angry.\” If the child has a complaint, for example, the child says: \”Injections hurt, I never want injections again.\” Parents can use hypothetical methods to help His wish came true: \”Oh, I really hope you get better soon, so you don\’t need injections.\” What you need to pay attention to when truly recognizing your child\’s feelings is: you must let your child feel your true recognition, and you can\’t just repeat the child\’s words or be perfunctory. Say: \”I understand how you feel\”, or directly ask: \”What\’s wrong with you?\” But there is no need to over-strengthen the child\’s emotions. For example, the child complains: \”The teacher is so annoying.\” The parent immediately said: \”You are right, she is annoying enough.\” This is not conducive to the child\’s reflection. 2. Pay attention to identifying with \”feelings\” rather than \”behaviors\”. To understand and accept the child\’s feelings, must all the child\’s behaviors be understood? Will this turn into doting? of course not. To be clear: all feelings are allowed, but certain behaviors must be limited. Accepting your child\’s feelings does not mean allowing him to do things that are unacceptable to you. For example, after returning home from school, the older brother was doing homework, and the younger brother scratched his homework. The elder brother was very angry and beat his younger brother. At this time, you should tell him: \”My brother scratched your homework, and you must be very angry. However, you can only tell him what to do with your mouth, not with your fists.\” The child will know: You understandI understand his feelings, but I don\’t agree with his behavior. 3. Express your feelings in a timely manner. If a child\’s emotions are directed at his parents, he yells and says: I hate you, I don\’t like you, I hate you so much, and I will never see you again. At this time, parents themselves also have emotions. How should they recognize their children\’s emotions? At this time, what you need to do is not only recognize the child\’s emotions, but also tell the child your own emotions: I am sad that you said this, and I don\’t like what you said. If you are angry, tell me in another way and maybe I can help you. Once when I was chatting with a friend, she complained to me that her son was prone to losing his temper. I suggested that she first learn to listen to her child. When we met again after a while, she told me something that happened recently. One day, my son Qiangqiang was playing downstairs in the community with his neighbor\’s brother. Qiangqiang brought a small rubber ball, and his brother brought a toy car. The elder brother first lent Qiangqiang a toy car to play with, but when the elder brother wanted to play with Qiangqiang\’s little rubber ball, Qiangqiang refused to agree. My brother grabbed the ball and started playing with it. Qiangqiang sat on the ground crying and shouting: \”My ball, my ball.\” While his friend was pulling Qiangqiang, he said, \”Didn\’t my brother also give you cars to play with? You play with your brother for a while, and he will give it back to you later. Why are you crying? Qiangqiang cried even harder.\” After a while, my friend decided to try the method we mentioned. She knelt down and said in as gentle a voice as possible: \”Brother snatched your ball, you must be very angry.\” Qiang Qiang glanced at her mother, her cry became smaller, and she sobbed: \”Brother snatched my ball, brother Hate\”. He paused and said, \”I don\’t want to play with cars anymore, I also want to play with balls.\” My friend said, \”Mom, I know you also want to play with balls. Do you want to play with your brother, or do you want to play later?\” Qiangqiang started from the ground. He stood up and said, \”I want to play with my brother. Then I ran to find him.\” The friend said, \”It was really unexpected. When I just listened to him and expressed my understanding, he made his own choice.\” When children complain, get angry, or lose their temper… they are actually saying: \”I\’m sad. I\’m a little frustrated. I\’m very depressed.\” They don\’t need to judge right or wrong, clarify the truth, provide advice, or sympathize. They just need to listen patiently. , gentle words, gentle hugs. Parents are their children\’s gods. Even if there is wind and rain outside, as long as you \”understand\” it, the sky will soon clear up after the rain, and all the haze will dissipate. Be an \”obedient\” parent, squat down gently, listen to him quietly, and gently tell him that you understand all his uneasiness, entanglement, disappointment, and sadness… This in itself is the best comfort. If parents are \”obedient\”, their children will naturally become obedient.