Having a sense of boundaries is the first lesson of being a parent

Parents should be more mature than their children. In October 2016, Zhang Liangying posted on Weibo to announce that she would marry Feng Ke. Immediately afterwards, her mother Zhang Guiying posted an open letter online. The main idea of ​​the open letter was: Feng Ke tricked my daughter into being a mistress. , and also embezzled the shares of my daughter and her company. This is not a man worth trusting for life. I am very opposed to it but I can’t persuade my daughter. I ask for the power of netizens to help my daughter return from her lost ways. Countless melon-eaters watched this with gusto. Such a sincere mother, Zhang Liangying is really not sure of her mother\’s words when she encounters unkind people, and she will suffer hardship sooner or later. Among the various voices, there is only one voice that is rare but very important – Zhang Liangying\’s mother told the entire Internet about her daughter\’s private affairs. Is this really right? No matter whether Zhang Liangying and Feng Ke will be happy or not, her mother should not let her daughter fall into this public opinion turmoil. Zhang Liangying\’s mother is not an exception. Many Chinese parents like to do this, doing things that harm their children with the intention of \”I am doing it for your own good.\” To put it bluntly, there is a lack of boundary sense and the inability to regard the child as an independent individual. In this regard, Dr. Wu Jun, a Silicon Valley investor who opened a column in the App, came to the conclusion that parents should be allowed to mature first rather than children. Because caring too much about children not only does no good, it may even cheat them. As a father, Wu Jun himself has done a good job with the sense of boundaries. Taking his eldest daughter as an example, she has changed her future career ideas three times. But he didn\’t worry at all, just being the one who was informed. He doesn\’t restrict what kind of boyfriend his eldest daughter can find. It’s not that his children are perfect and can go smoothly, but Wu Jun believes that children should make more mistakes and detours when they are young, because only in this way can they accumulate experience and become mature. The year his eldest daughter graduated from high school, the principal of the school asked the children to write a letter to their parents. Wu Jun received a letter from his daughter. In addition to words of thanks, there was also this sentence: Since there is day and night, then we cannot Because I like the day and hate the night. Therefore, we should not tolerate others doing the opposite just because we like one thing. Wu Jun was pleased to see his daughter have such a tolerant and free heart, and this was precisely the result of his words and deeds. There is an old saying in China called \”Children and grandchildren will have their own blessings.\” This is what it means. Parents don\’t have to do too much. Being able to set a good example is good enough. For children, there are certain paths they must take in their long lives. Instead of letting your children fall down so hard that they can hardly get up when they are 40 years old, it is better to let them fall down a few more times before they are 20 years old, so that they will not fall too hard, but can remember it for a lifetime. Children have the right to experience and create their own lives. Every time you go to the mall, you will see various coloring and drawing DIY games played by children. There are all kinds of paints. Children need to use their brains to apply the paint to black and white. On the background color of the picture. This is supposed to be a game for children to show off their talents, but I always see many parents rolling up their sleeves, sitting next to their children, and busy giving instructions: The princess’s hair should be black, not red.” “Oops.”\”Oh, I applied it wrong again, it\’s really ugly.\” \”This is how you should apply it here. Mom will teach you… Under the guidance and urging of their parents, the children\’s interest dropped by half, their brows were full of timidity, and their little hands became cautious, and they were deeply afraid of painting. It doesn’t look good, it’s painted wrong. I clearly saw that the parents were more worried than their children. After painting, they simply grabbed the children\’s works, helped them finish the work, and then excitedly took pictures and posted them on WeChat Moments. Have you ever thought that such excessive parental involvement will not only fail to bring a sense of achievement to the child, but will destroy the child\’s imagination. Because there is no so-called standard answer to this kind of DIY game, the parents\’ approach is really overstepping their limits. Children\’s book publisher and children\’s education writer Rei Mikawa talks about her own experience in the book \”Education to Happiness\”. In a competition for children to draw sculpture embryos, her little ball was only four or five years old and was not good at applying paint or painting statues. Therefore, the paint was crooked and uneven. However, she did not deliberately help the child to paint it perfectly. It is to hand over the child\’s real semi-finished product. I thought it was just an important participation, but the family was very surprised. Maruko-chan\’s work was awarded the only special prize in the children\’s category. The sculptor who made the selection said: Although the work is immature, it is full of childlike innocence, and even said that Xiao Wanzi was his teacher. By chance, when Rei Misikawa was chatting with a teacher with decades of experience in children\’s painting education, she asked this question: When a child has obvious flaws in art learning, should we help the child correct it? \”Absolutely,\” the teacher denied flatly, because parents help their children to repair, and at most they only get a good-looking work. But if we don\’t fix it, we can get a future artist and many, many works. Parents have a sense of boundaries and are not overly involved, which is the best education. Every child is a genius and a thousand-mile horse. Parents should not be horse trainers, but be Bo Le. As psychological counselor Li Xue said in the book \”When I Meet Someone\”: In the relationship with their children, whether parents can maintain boundaries directly determines whether the children\’s future material and spiritual world will be rich. Control is not real love, respect is parenting. Self-media owner Qian Er’s mother once wrote about such a life detail. One night, her child read a book with great interest, reading from beginning to end, and then from end to beginning. . Qian\’er\’s mother told her child to take a break after watching it for another 10 minutes. The child promised \”ok\”, but in fact he watched one after another for 10 minutes, and was still jumping up and down at 10 o\’clock. Qian\’er\’s mother began to say something impatiently to her child: I\’ve told her several times and I\’m still not sleeping. You have to go to school tomorrow. Can you get up? What she didn\’t expect was that the usually polite child resisted for the first time: You\’ve been nagging me so many times, are you bothering me? Can\’t you just go to bed soon? Faced with the child\’s back talk, Qian\’er\’s mother was speechless for a moment. She ran to the child\’s father to complain about why the child suddenly became like this. After the father talked with his son, he found out the reason. It turned out that the child once went out to play with his classmates, and the classmate\’s mother asked him to stop playing games. This is how his classmate responded to his mother. As a result, not only did his mother notCriticize him and let him continue playing. Therefore, he just wanted to try this trick to see if it worked. Hearing this, Qian\’er\’s mother suddenly felt relieved. The child\’s rebuttal was not malicious, and she didn\’t even know that she had done something wrong. She was glad that she did not impulsively scold the child. She reflected that when a child is growing up, a casual disrespectful remark does not mean anything, and if the parents care too much, they will have to scold the child before it ends. In fact, it is the parents\’ inner control and condescending attitude that are at work. From this, Qian\’er\’s mother realized this way of raising children: love your children with the same original intention, without moral kidnapping. There is no need to demand that children be rewarded for their efforts. Instead, children should be allowed to make mistakes and express their true feelings. Indeed, control is not real love. Real love should be: child, I love you, but I respect you more, because you have your own way to go, and you have your own life to live. Having a sense of boundaries is the first lesson of being a parent. The poet Gibran wrote a very famous poem called \”On Children\”. Rather than talking about children, it is better to say that he is teaching us how to be parents. I would like to send this poem to all parents: Your children are not your children, but \”life\” is the children that it desires. They come through you, but not from you. Although they are with you, But they do not belong to you. You can give them love but not thoughts, because they have their own thoughts. You can shelter their bodies, but you cannot shelter their souls, because their souls live in the house of \”tomorrow\”. You can\’t imagine it in your dreams. You can try to imitate them, but you can\’t make them like you, because life does not go backwards and does not stay with \”yesterday\”. You are bows, and your children are the life that comes from the strings. The one who shoots the arrows sees the target in infinity and draws you with divine power so that his arrows shoot out quickly and far away. Let your \”bending\” in the hands of the shooter be a joy, because he loves the arrows that fly out. arrows, and also fell in love with the still bow