How did you end up raising your child?

Are you loving your children, or are you doting on them? Well-known education expert Yin Jianli wrote in \”A Good Mother is Better than a Good Teacher 2\”: The essence of doting is control, and the essence of love is giving freedom. Doting is not giving too much love, but controlling, possessing and arranging substitution in the name of love. Parents are intoxicated with the happiness of giving and become substitute parents, depriving their children of their independence and making life decisions for their children. The psychological basis behind adults managing children according to their own will is fear and distrust. }Love is to give children freedom and cultivate their independence. The foundation and premise is to trust the children. Freedom is not laissez-faire, it is not \”doing whatever you want\”, but giving children the right to choose, try, and make mistakes. Let children gain the life experience necessary for growth. The true meaning of love is to respect children and support them to \”be themselves.\” Doting and love are two fundamentally different concepts. Doting is not love and has nothing to do with love. Recently, a piece of news aroused heated discussion among netizens. Ms. Liu\’s son studied abroad and lost 2 million in two years but did not even graduate from preparatory courses. After returning to China, I started studying at a junior college. Within two months, I dropped out of school and spent all my time playing games. Netizens were indignant and furious. But things are not as simple as \”unsatisfactory\”. Ms. Liu divorced her husband when her son was about 10 years old. Because of their guilt, the two loved their son more than ever and tried their best to satisfy him. The chat records between Ms. Liu and her son are basically transfer records. Grandma even risked her life to love her grandson. No one can touch the grandson\’s things. The little niece ate a piece of bread from her grandson. Grandma went out in the heavy snow and bought three more bags of bread despite Lao Han\’s leg attack. When she plays games and doesn’t have time to eat, grandma feeds the food to her grandson’s mouth; when she plays games and doesn’t sleep, grandma talks nice and coaxes her grandson to go to bed early. Grandma objects to sending her grandson to live in a new home with a stepmother. Under the careful care of grandma, the grandson can hold out his hands and open his mouth when he has food. The whole family is \”supported by stars\”, obedient, every request is met, everything is taken care of, money is obtained too easily, of course, they will not respect and cherish it, and squandering is normal. The reason why Ms. Liu\’s son became \”wasted\” is that his family\’s abnormal pampering of him is not to blame. Educator Rousseau said: Do you know what method you can use to make your child an unfortunate person? This method is to be obedient to him. Doing their best to satisfy their children to make up for the guilt of divorce is the inner need of parents, but it ignores the real needs of their children as they grow. This is actually a kind of egoism. Grandma \”risks her life\” to love her grandson. This is a great feeling. At the same time, through arranged substitution, the elderly\’s needy psychology is satisfied. Keeping grandchildren around can relieve loneliness and gain attention. This is actually a kind of possession hidden under the banner of love. Doting is actually an act of holding up the banner of love to satisfy inner needs. It goes against the essence of love which is to give freedom and cultivate independence. In the Tianya Forum post \”The Bitter Fruit of Doting\”, the author tells the story of an 80-year-old neighbor. The old neighbor gave birth to a total of five children. The first four were all disciplined by their husbands. They were all able to be self-reliant and repay the kindness of raising them. And the youngest one, the old neighbor feels sorry for himShe lost her father when she was young, so she was pampered and accommodated. If you don’t want to do your homework, just do it for her. If she doesn\’t want to do anything, just let her do nothing. At a young age, his studies were neglected. Arriving late at work and leaving early, complaining about hardship and tiredness, and being laid off before the age of 30. Marrying and marrying, disliking poverty and tending to wealth, indulging in leisure and distaste for work, leaving and leaving at will. When she was less than 40 years old, she was idle all day long and asked her old neighbor to do all the work for her. Even her living expenses had to be paid by her old neighbor. Poor old neighbor, he still has to carry such a burden when he gets old. When the old neighbor mentioned his little daughter, he could only say: I can’t tell! I have no choice but to raise such a lazy and greedy wasteful person who only knows how to take but doesn\’t know how to give. But wasn’t this bitter fruit brewed by her? Dzerzhinsky said: If you spoil and pamper your children and satisfy their willful demands, they will become depraved and become weak-willed and selfish people when they grow up. Therefore, parents\’ love should not be blind. The old neighbor dotes on his little daughter, which is the instinct of maternal love and spiritual sustenance. By doting on your little daughter, you can fill the emotional void left by the death of your husband and rebuild your inner world. The essence is to satisfy one\’s own psychological needs; as a result, it deprives children of their independence and destroys their growth. Doting is not love, it is anti-love. Buffett, known as the \”Stock God\”, is one of the most successful investors in the world. How does the God of Wealth, respected by everyone, raise his children? Buffett does not want his children to get something for nothing, and pocket money must be earned through doing housework. When his children were young, Buffett installed a slot machine in his home to eat up the children\’s pocket money to control how much they spent. Although Buffett graduated with the highest grade of A+, he will not put pressure on his children to get straight A\’s. Even though all three of his children dropped out of college, Buffett was tolerant of it. Instead of feeling embarrassed, he encouraged his children to pursue what they really liked. After his eldest son Howard dropped out of school, he dug cellars, helped others grow corn, worked as a construction worker, worked as a parking lot toll collector, and ran for public office. Finally, he found the most enjoyable career in his life – being a farmer. Daughter Susie was a housewife for a long time. The younger son, Peter, rents a house, drives a second-hand car, takes out a loan to buy a house, and borrows money to perform tours. He once asked his father to borrow money but was rejected. Eventually, through his own efforts, he became a well-known musician and won an Emmy Award. Regarding the choice Peter made, Buffett said, \”You and I are actually doing the same thing.\” Buffett compares his son\’s work with his own success, and treats the life his son is pursuing with all his strength equally, which makes Peter feel very precious. Peter benefited most from his father\’s philosophy of life: the greatest wealth in life is to be yourself. No matter who your parents are, you still need to explore your own life and have fun doing it! Peter and his siblings all followed their hearts and showed their worth. In dealing with children, Buffett touched the true meaning of love. Refuse children to get something for nothing and don’t give them shortcuts. The child\’s life is his or her own choice and responsibility. Respect the life your children are pursuing with all their strength and help them achieve their own success. This kind of love is essentially different from doting. PsychologistAlfred Adler said: The true essence of maternal love lies in caring about the growth of the child, which also means caring about the separation of mother and child. \”Parents who love their children have far-reaching plans.\” Doting behaviors such as substitution, easy satisfaction, and unprincipled accommodation will only produce \”giant babies\”, \”eating old people\” and \”prodigal children\”. Giving children freedom, giving them the right to choose, try, and make mistakes, cultivating their independence, and supporting them in finding their own wonderful things is the essence of love. Beware of doting behavior and let love return to its essence, you can start from four aspects: 1. Cultivate children\’s self-care ability, appropriately ignore children, and downplay the degree of care. 2. Treat children’s requirements correctly and consciously conduct delayed gratification training. 3. Cultivate children\’s sense of responsibility, do not take responsibility for children, and let children learn to be responsible for results. 4. Exercise children’s ability to resist frustration and improve their psychological endurance. Love is a science. Don\’t push your love for your children into \”spoiling\” and replace your children\’s lives. But let the children live their own wonderful lives.