How many children have been harmed by the words \”I won\’t hurt you\”?

Many of you may have had this feeling. Faced with the concern of your parents, you feel uncomfortable but helpless. You can\’t refuse, but you can\’t feel real care because no matter what you do, it seems wrong. Because their concern is often expressed: I know what you should do, but you don’t know what you should do. Picture | Movie \”Blood Guanyin\” We often hear parents say to their children: I am doing this for your own good. With great difficulty, you mustered up the courage to express your feelings, thoughts, plans… As a result, you hear this sentence, \”I won\’t harm you…\” and feel helpless. There is news that a girl from a sports school was accidentally injured during a competition, with cracked bones in her waist and spondylolisthesis. The doctor advised her to stop doing strenuous exercise because severe lumbar spondylolisthesis may lead to paralysis. This girl brought up the idea of ​​giving up sports to her mother. The girl said: \”My waist hurts to death even if I walk a few steps. How can I train?\” But her mother did not allow her to give up training. It turned out that this mother had planned her daughter\’s life since she was a child. She wanted to become a national-level athlete through her sports talents, and then be admitted to a key university as a student with sports talents. When the girl told her mother that she wanted to end her sports career, her mother became furious. My mother said: \”You are not a child. Don\’t be so willful. You have to be responsible for your own future…\” \”The doctor said that the most serious case will be paralysis. You are not at the most serious stage yet. You will take the college entrance examination next year. If you endure it any longer, Once you get through it, mom won\’t hurt you…\” \”I won\’t hurt you.\” This is what many parents often say to their children. How to understand this sentence? Normally, we all think that parents do this for the sake of their children. But, maybe the truth may not be like this. \”I\’m doing this for your own good, and I won\’t harm you.\” The subtext of these words seems to be to prove that what I do is of course right, so you have to listen to me. Sometimes, parents may just want to realize their own desire for power. Behind this desire for power, they just want their children to obey them, but it may not really be for the good of their children. Usually, parents have two methods to make their children obedient. The first one is that it’s all for your own good. And the other one is that if you don\’t listen to me, I will punish you. A mother demanded an apology from her son because he accidentally broke a neighbor\’s child\’s toy. The son didn\’t want to apologize, and the neighbor didn\’t think it was a big deal and said it didn\’t matter. The mother still demands an apology from her child. There is nothing wrong with asking your child to apologize. When this mother asked her child to apologize, she also said: It was all for the child\’s good. This statement does make sense, because parents want their children to be sensible, responsible, and responsible for their actions. However, when this mother saw that her child refused to apologize, her power seemed to be challenged. My mother began to use threats: If you don\’t apologize, there will be no TV today. If you don\’t listen to me, I will take away your right to watch TV. This is a very typical crushing of the will to power. You have to listen to me, otherwise you will be punished. This is not for the growth of the child, but for the sake ofFor the growth of children, to realize their own will to power. Why should we find a sense of power in our children? A friend of mine shared his own experience. One day, he and his daughter came down from upstairs. The daughter wanted to draw, but forgot to bring the brush down, so she asked her father to help. But he didn\’t want to go up again. He told the child that he didn\’t want to go upstairs to get anything anymore, so why didn\’t he get it while he was upstairs? He let his daughter figure it out on her own. So, the daughter went to ask her grandma for help. However, when he saw his grandma and his daughter coming downstairs with paintbrushes, the father suddenly became furious. He even blamed the old man: Why do you want to help her? I am doing it for her own good, and I have to do my own thing… There is nothing wrong with the statement that you should do your own thing. It’s okay for dad to refuse to help. Why is the father so angry when the child goes to his grandma for help? It is very likely that the child has found other support. She can no longer rely on her father and can no longer listen to her father\’s words. The father\’s sense of power seems to be threatened. He did not stop him at the first moment, because his father knew when the child asked his grandma to help him get the paintbrush. But he didn\’t immediately tell his grandma, \”No, let the child do things by himself.\” Instead, she waited until grandma helped the child before she got angry. We can’t seem to stand it when our children don’t listen to us. And behind this emotion lies anger at the child\’s betrayal. Because, as children grow up, their language expression ability becomes stronger and their mobility ability also increases. If you want to eat snacks, but your mother doesn’t agree, you can go to your father or your grandparents. Children now have other channels and can get more support elsewhere. At this time, parents will have a vague feeling that they will be abandoned by their children. Even if parents say in words that they want their children to be good, to be independent, and to grow up. But subconsciously, you may be afraid of your child\’s growth. The growth of children is given the meaning of betrayal and abandonment by their parents. There is a friend who is always complained by his parents that he doesn\’t do housework. Every time he hears his mother\’s complaints, he gets very annoyed and doesn\’t want to do it anymore. In fact, it\’s not that he doesn\’t do housework, it\’s that he has no chance to do housework at all. For example, when it comes to doing laundry, I don’t have enough clothes for the day, so I want to wait for the next day’s clothes and put them in the washing machine. But when his mother saw it, she insisted on washing it for him, and she also had to wash it by hand. The reason was that there were not enough clothes. Washing just one or two pieces would waste water and electricity. He wanted to wash his own clothes, but his mother always said to him: If you can\’t wash them clean, and you don\’t even work, how do you know how to wash clothes? Slowly, he began to wonder if he really couldn\’t wash clothes or do housework. Until he was sent by his employer to study in another city, he took care of himself during that six months, and housework was not as difficult as his mother said. Only then did he realize that at home, his mother was complaining that he didn\’t do housework, and at the same time she took care of all the housework. At this time, he had a feeling that it was not him who was lazy, but his mother who made him lazy. Because of this, mothers can find a sense of value at home. Because parents can\’t live without each otherThe child, so by denying the child, takes over part of the child\’s self-function. And some children, because they feel their parents\’ subconscious wishes, feel their parents\’ needs, and identify with them. Children will castrate themselves in terms of intelligence and ability. They often outsource their self-functions and make themselves seem as if they cannot handle many things. Children express their loyalty to their parents by rendering themselves incompetent. Psychologist Zeng Qifeng said that all diseases stem from undifferentiation. If parents focus entirely on their children, it is easy to overlook the existence of the child as an independent individual. Parents may even feel that if their children have their own sense of independence, they will feel like they will be abandoned. As parents, we need to take a look at ourselves. When you deny your child or tell your child that it is good for him, you have to see if you are really doing good for your child. Or, in fact, you are using the children\’s love and fear of their parents to satisfy yourself. Everyone is an independent individual, even between parents and children. If no change occurs, the child will suffer because growth is inevitable. When you no longer put all your focus on your child, you won\’t put all your energy on your child. This is not only a relief for the children, but also for myself.