How much you want to win will make your child anxious

The baby has been a little lonely recently. In order to attract my attention, she often screams loudly while I am writing. After much thought, I enrolled her in an early childhood education class for the purpose of playing with the children. It was the birthday party of the baby in April. In the large classroom, the children wearing handmade birthday hats all had smiling faces. There was only one child who looked like he was crying and was restless. He even took a quick bite of the cake given by the teacher. The person holding the child was a young mother, and she kept talking about the mistake the child had just made, \”When you were rolling in circles, why didn\’t you walk in a straight line? If you walked straight, wouldn\’t you be first?\” ?The first place will be rewarded with a small schoolbag.\” It can be heard that the mother really wants her child to win the first place in the game session just now. Obviously, the baby\’s second place does not make the mother happy. And the child was hiding in his mother\’s arms, beating his mother with an unhappy look on his face. Although the teacher persuaded him several times not to care about the results this time and there would be other games, the child just couldn\’t listen and kept saying: Why can\’t I be as good as Yaya who is the first? The conversation between mother and son aroused my interest, and I kept observing the mother and son in the following sessions. The mother has always adhered to the principle of \”you must be first in everything\”, and the child, in the subsequent sessions, frequently looked back at the mother and listened to the mother\’s instructions, \”Go left, hurry up, okay, come back quickly.\” Mom\’s The sound made the 32-month-old child completely lose himself, only immersed in the anxiety of how to win, and lost all interest in playing. Seeing this child trying hard to get his mother\’s approval in all the game sessions makes me feel a little sad. This is just a 32-month-old child. He shouldn\’t care about winning or losing, he just needs to be immersed in children\’s games; he shouldn\’t care about gains and losses, he just needs to enjoy the fun of the game; he shouldn\’t worry about ranking, he just needs to Enjoy the moment every time you play. However, at 32 months old, he turned a deaf ear to the fun of the game. He was only worried about whether he could win, whether he was ranked first, and whether he could get the reward of the small schoolbag. Because he cared so much, he became anxious. I believe that all children\’s behaviors are caused by their parents\’ wishes. In the eyes of a child, his parents\’ wishes are his orders. The anxiety shown by this child is actually because the mother wants to win, which leads to the child not being able to enjoy the fun of the game itself in all games. Winning and losing are issues we must face in life, even for a child who has not yet officially entered school. In a society where everything is about ranking and high-scoring admissions, it is obviously unrealistic to ignore a child\’s ranking. However, a smart person can always reasonably control his expectations for his children and put the gains and losses in the right place. Studying in high school is busy and stressful, and the first turning point in life is about to come. Therefore, many parents have begun marathon supervision, delivering meals to their children, accompanying them on homework until late at night, and piling up mountains of various nutritional supplements. But at such critical moments, I often see my neighbor Lao Lu leading his son to play basketball at the stadium, playing for half a day on weekends. They were sweating profusely and moving around on the court, soA major life event like the college entrance examination is not a big deal in their eyes. A neighbor said: The children of Lao Lu\’s family study well and do not need to stick to books like others. But anyone who really knows Lao Lu’s family situation knows that his children’s grades were not ideal when they were in elementary school. Lao Lu once chased his children all over the yard with a broom because of their “unpromising” behavior, but the children always failed. Instead of making any progress, I ran away from home once. After running away from home that time, Lao Lu\’s mother immediately came over to interfere in internal affairs. Grandma said that this was her only grandson. How important could the test scores be? She had to control the child so much that he would not dare to go back home. Since then, Lao Lu simply let it go and no longer discussed grades at the dinner table. Instead, he took his children out to play more and occasionally went on short trips, for fear that the children would be mentally fragile and unable to think about things. Lao Lu no longer cares about his grades. He doesn\’t care about his ranking as much as before. Instead, he is more able to study calmly. Sometimes he becomes so absorbed in doing math problems that he doesn\’t even care about eating. Later, Lao Lu himself summed up his experience: You cannot blindly care about your child\’s ranking and ignore the child\’s psychological pressure. Taking winning and losing too seriously will increase the child\’s anxiety and prevent him from truly enjoying the process. Lao Lu’s experience reminds me of a sentence I once saw. Liu Zhenyun wrote in his work \”Mobile Phone\”: There is no winning or losing in life, but once you have a winning mentality, you will be a loser. Once upon a time, I was also a person who paid too much attention to my children’s wins and losses. I clearly remember that when my daughter was five months old, I saw my colleague posting a video of her son Qiuqiu on WeChat Moments. The four little teeth of Qiuqiu, who was ten days older than my daughter, were clearly visible, saying \”Mom, mom\” Lying in the arms of my colleague and shouting, I was very anxious while I was holding my daughter and watching the video. I put down the phone and called my daughter \”Mom\” over and over again, but she was completely indifferent and couldn\’t see my anxiety at all. Her little head turned to the side, trying to play with the toy, but I forced it back. \”Mom, Mom\”, my voice became louder and my speaking speed increased a lot. Maybe I was frightened, but my five-month-old daughter started crying. Seeing my daughter crying after being frightened by me, I calmed down and asked myself over and over again what was wrong? Today I got angry because she didn\’t call her mother when she was five months old. Then, when she was one year old, I would have lost my temper with her because she couldn\’t walk as well as the neighbor\’s little boy; when she was four years old, I would have gotten angry at her. I slapped her little hand because she didn’t know as many words as the classmates in the kindergarten class; when she goes to elementary school, I will punish her because her grades are not the first in the class… Thinking of this, I suddenly feel What a terrible mother I am. I just wanted to win, but I completely ignored the child\’s innocent smile and the innocence without any impurities in her dark eyes. It was then that I discovered that I had lost the most basic patience of a mother. In the final analysis, it is all because I am comparing, and every time I compare, I don’t want to lose, so I anxiously want her to learn what other children can do. I thought of the book \”Child, Take Your Time\” written by Long Yingtai. There was a description in it., writing about my patience while waiting for my five-year-old child to tie his shoelaces. \”I am sitting on the stone steps in the setting sun, watching this child with clear eyes doing one thing attentively: Yes, I am willing to wait for a lifetime for him to tie this bow leisurely. Use his five-year-old fingers. Child, take your time, take your time.\” On the contrary, many of our parents, when their children are growing up, put too much emphasis on gains and losses, causing their children\’s anxiety and making them in this situation When it\’s time to enjoy the process, you only care about the results your parents want. Some parents, adhering to the concept of not letting their children lose at the starting line, force their children to enroll in various cram schools. If it is simply an attempt to cultivate a child\’s interest in a certain aspect and tap his potential, I think it is worth doing. However, enrolling in a class in order to force children to study and satisfy our vanity as parents who want to win will not only fail to allow children to gain anything, but will be counterproductive and cause anxiety in children. The famous movie star Lin Zhiying said: Life is like a marathon. No one wins because of a quick start. The key to victory lies not in the instant burst, but in perseverance along the way. Although the end may seem far away and unclear, as long as you keep moving forward, face every change and every impact in your life, and pass through it step by step, you will naturally become the person you expect. Those parents who pursue winning in everything are too focused on winning and losing, which prevents their children from enjoying the process and fun of life. Even if they always come first in exams, in the end, they will lose the whole life. Only when you let go of winning and losing and comparison, can you truly accept yourself, and can you correctly guide your children to live out their true selves and win the whole life!