How should children spend their youth?

Zhao Yuping, the main speaker of Baijia Forum, told a story: One day, a friend who was a mother suddenly called him and cried: \”Teacher Zhao, I can\’t live this life!\” It turned out that one day, she While cleaning at home, she saw her son doing homework go from the room to the living room to pour water. She asked a very common question: \”Have you finished your homework?\” Unexpectedly, her son immediately exploded after hearing this: \”Ask, ask, ask What are you asking? I know how to ask all the time! I won’t write if you ask me again, so please leave me alone!” After saying that, he returned to the house and closed the door with a bang. How to deal with the psychological problems of adolescent children? The mother was momentarily confused. She couldn\’t figure it out, so she casually asked why her son was so angry. The next day, Zhao Yuping talked to the boy, and the boy complained to him: \”Ever since he entered the third grade of junior high school, his parents have been particularly worried about his studies, but they couldn\’t understand his homework, so they started to push for progress every day, making him He seizes the time and writes quickly.\” But every time he was asked if he had finished his homework, and when he answered that he had finished, his mother started nagging: \”You are still sitting on the sofa in a daze after you finish? If you don\’t hurry up and do the exercises, Memorize the words! You have such a bad attitude towards learning, pushing and pushing every time. Your dad and I work hard to make money outside, and you have this kind of virtue, who can you deserve?\” But if he didn\’t finish the answer , my mother began to accuse again: \”You haven\’t finished writing, haven\’t finished writing, why don\’t you hurry up and write? With such a bad attitude towards learning, who can you deserve?\” So, it seems to be just an ordinary greeting from my mother. In fact, under her long-term preaching and nagging, the boy\’s mood became more and more anxious, like a fragile and tight string that would break at the touch of a touch. I remembered that many mothers left messages backstage, saying that their relationship with their adolescent children was very tense, they often quarreled, and no one would give in, which was really troublesome. In fact, this is because parents have overlooked one thing – when their children reach adolescence, your education methods should change. Adolescent children are like flammable and explosive bags of gunpowder. There was such a plot in last year\’s popular \”The Big Exam\”. His son Wu Jiajun likes animation and two-dimensional animation, and wants to take the art exam. But his mother, Dong Bihua, firmly disagreed. She resigned from her job and watched her son study at home, just to get into a prestigious school. One time, Wu Jiajun secretly drew his own entry while his mother was asleep. Unexpectedly, he was caught by his mother who woke up. The mother was furious and mercilessly destroyed the entry, which had taken her son several months of hard work. Wu Jiajun couldn\’t bear it anymore and finally broke out: \”Are you sick?\” \”You are so vicious, you are not even as good as your stepmother!\” \”I will pass the exam far away in the future and never see you again. I want to leave this place.\” Home!\” Dong Bihua was furious and slapped her son hard in the face. Not to be outdone, Wu Jiajun ran away from home in anger. I believe this scene is very familiar to many parents with adolescent children. Since children enter adolescence, the atmosphere between parents and children has become increasingly tense. The original docile and obedient baby was gone, replaced by a sensitive and rebellious little hedgehog. If they don\’t agree with each other, they will start to contradict their parents, yell and even leave home.run away. Child psychologist Winnicott once said: \”I planted a baby, but I harvested a bomb.\” This bomb refers to adolescence. How many parents have been tortured to the point of exhaustion and misery by rebellious and difficult children. In fact, this is because adolescent children often have two characteristics due to changes in the brain and hormones: first, the prefrontal cortex, which is responsible for the executive control center, is not fully developed and is prone to impulsivity; second, they have a strong sense of self. This results in them becoming more irritable and emotional when they have conflicts with their parents. In February last year, a 14-year-old boy in Hangzhou ran away from home after quarreling with his family over trivial matters and lived in a culvert for two days. Had the police not found him in time, the consequences would have been disastrous; and in August, a 16-year-old boy in Qingdao A 20-year-old girl wanted to take a train to Changzhou to meet a strange male netizen. Her parents did not agree, so she blocked her parents in anger and set off secretly alone. Fortunately, she was picked up by the police… It must be said that adolescent children are like gunpowder. Bag, flammable and explosive. And if parents are not careful, it can easily lead to tragedy. All educational methods will be ineffective when they reach adolescence. It is said that adolescent children are rebellious, irritable, and difficult to manage. However, what makes parents even more frustrated is that: beatings, scolding, losing temper, reasoning…these methods that once made children surrender have all failed by the time they reach adolescence. The children have become as stubborn as an old cow. There is a boy Zheng Zihao in \”Metamorphosis\” who especially likes to play computer games. His father, who is a lawyer, couldn\’t stand it, so whenever he had the opportunity, he would talk to him about all kinds of truths: \”Do you know that playing games is wrong?\” \”Playing games like this will become addictive, just like smoking opium.\” , playing with things makes you lose your mind.\” \”You have to do your studies. Only when you study well can you do something for entertainment.\” Zheng Zihao seemed to have turned on the automatic blocking mode, turning a deaf ear to his father\’s truth, and instead became more and more addicted to games. . Teacher Wu Zhihong has a good saying: The most ineffective effort in the world is to talk truth to children from the bottom of your heart. The more truth you talk to children, the more disgusted they will be. This sentence is especially true for adolescent children. When children enter adolescence, they begin to have their own principles, opinions, cognitions and behavioral standards. If parents still act like condescending \”adults\” all day long, talking non-stop to their children, and always want to impose their own ideas on their children. It will only make the child feel offended, suppressed, and more rebellious and difficult to deal with. I think of a father who asked for help online: His son, who was in the second grade of junior high school, often hid in bed playing with his mobile phone, so he would often catch him in the middle of the night. Every time he grabbed his son\’s mobile phone, he began to reason with his son: \”I\’m not here to help.\” Have you said it? Your task now is to study! Only when you study well can you be qualified to play with mobile phones. Only with self-discipline can you have freedom…\” Every time, the son looked at his father impatiently and then held the quilt over his head. Once confused, he didn\’t even listen to his father\’s words. At this time, the father lifted the quilt off his son and continued to instill truth. In the past, my son could listen and say a few perfunctory words, but this time my son went crazy: \”Is it over or not?\”, why should I listen to you? \”The father was stunned and walked out of the room cursing. On the second day, his son simply stopped going to school and began to have a cold war with his father. The father could not understand that he was obviously using very gentle methods. There is no violent discipline in the education method, but why does it become more \”rebellious\” with more discipline? It is because, in adolescence, children have a stronger and stronger concept of \”me\” and desire independence and freedom. If parents still nag and wantonly If you blame your child, the long-pent-up emotions of the child will burst out in an intensified manner. Therefore, if your child reaches adolescence and you still frequently give orders to your child as before, expecting him to develop according to your ideas, then the child will only use rebellious behavior to express his anger. You say \”no\”. Parents learn this trick and their children go through adolescence smoothly. So are we really helpless when faced with rebellious children in adolescence? In fact, it is not the case. Wang Dianjun, the former principal of Tsinghua High School, once proposed a solution in his speech ——Parents should \”cook more and talk less.\” That is to say, when children enter adolescence, what parents have to do is to avoid direct conflicts with their children, cook more, cook better, and talk less. If there is a problem, just Turn to the teacher and his classmates for help instead of trying to change the child. The author @明千茶 once told a story about a \”paint-cutting man teaching his son\”. The son of the paint-cutting man Lao Zheng began to hate studying after he entered high school. , everyone thought that Lao Zheng would beat his son severely, but who would have thought that he promised his son: \”If you can work as a paint cutter with me for a month, you don\’t have to read the rest of the book. \”After the son heard this, he immediately agreed and jumped out of bed to sharpen the paint knife. His wife Zheng Sister-in-law was worried and complained quietly to Lao Zheng that he had taken the child wild. But Lao Zheng said calmly: \”The child will be born soon. He is in his senior year of high school and playing video games is confusing. If he can survive with me, he can be considered an adult. \”The next day, the two went into the mountains to cut paint at 4:30 in the morning. As a result, before the afternoon, the son was so tired that he was sore all over. That night, when he came home, he found that his mother had prepared a table of delicious food. He waited for him without saying a word. Looking at the delicious and delicious food on the table, the son couldn\’t help but feel hot in his eyes. From then on, the son took the textbooks that he had regarded as enemies and decided to return to the classroom to study hard. A few years later, the son successfully They went to college and found a good job, and brought the old couple to live in the city. The old and Zheng couple were undoubtedly wise. When their adolescent son was rebellious and tired of studying, they did not use their parents\’ authority to coerce the child, but took a step back and used Dealing with children in a gentle way can resolve the confusion on the way of children\’s growth. Therefore, don\’t underestimate the six words \”cook more, talk less\”. The deep meaning behind it is worth learning by parents. Cooking more means caring for your children. Silent love, warmth, and dedication. In an article by writer Liu Xiaonian, a father and his adolescent son had a big quarrel. After the old man heard about it, he educated his son: A father should only treat his son with two words, one is Love is one thing; no matter whether your son is cute or not, the more he is not cute, the more you must love unswervingly, without asking for anything in return, and silently. Children who grow up in love, even if they are outrageous, will change sooner or later. Be reliable. YouthChildren in this period are awkward and sensitive, and what they crave most is unconditional love from their parents. It\’s not because \”you love me because I study well\”, but because you wholeheartedly hope to \”let the other person be himself\”. Only when the emotional barriers are broken down and children feel loved, will their hearts soften and be willing to open up to their parents. Talking less means less nagging, less preaching, and giving children sufficient space and freedom. Psychotherapist Li Zixun once said that if there are adolescent children at home, parents should \”never ask for help, and respond to requests.\” Adolescent children have independent thoughts and opinions. If parents blindly encroach on their children\’s boundaries and ignore their children\’s feelings, it will only arouse their children\’s rebellious emotions. Therefore, parents should let go of their authoritative mentality, learn to avoid their sharp edges, and show up at the right time when their children ask for help. Only by nagging and blaming less, and with more respect and empathy, can we win the evolved hearts of our children. Educator Suhomlinsky once said: \”With any educational phenomenon, the less the child feels the educator\’s intention, the greater the educational effect.\” When you shut up, cook more, do not suppress, Do not escape, but quietly guard the healthy growth of your children. Home is the warmest harbor for children, and parents are the objects to which children are most attached. Writer Mai Jia once said this: CCTV recommends over 500 high-scoring excellent documentaries, and children will become self-disciplined and addicted after watching them. “Adolescence is a kind of danger, it can go to heaven or earth, it can be a knife or something. It is a flower. As elders, we have only one choice: help him become a flower and smooth out the tough areas. Help him get through the most unstable and time bomb stage.\” Adolescence is a time for parents and children. A test and transformation experienced together. I sincerely hope that all parents can calm down and stand firmly behind their children. Keep silent appropriately, give with your heart, wait patiently, and accompany him through the important period of his life smoothly, and move towards a braver and more determined tomorrow together. Finally, I would like to send a sentence that I like very much to all the parents who are struggling with their adolescent children: I love you. If there is a road ahead that I have fallen beyond recognition, but you insist on going, I hope that the way I love you is not to hold you back. You, tell you that you can\’t go, but prepare the most durable shoes for you, prepare an umbrella, tell you that the second intersection is slippery, and there are thieves on the fifth street. Go, come home, and have food at home.