How to calm yourself when you are angry? No matter how angry you are, never say these 5 words to your children

Yesterday, I took my baby to a nearby supermarket to buy groceries, and met a crying child at the entrance of the supermarket. The child tugged at his mother\’s clothes and kept saying: \”Mom, I want that, can you buy it for me once?\” He went to hold his mother\’s hand, but she shook it off. open. The child had no choice but to circle around the mother, but the mother kept avoiding the child and pretending to ignore it. I put my son in the shopping cart and watched them stand like this for almost five minutes. Finally, the mother broke out, pointed at the child and shouted: \”If you make trouble again, I will throw you here and pretend that you are not a child.\” She was suddenly stunned and looked at her mother blankly for several seconds. No longer entangled, she followed her mother silently and walked away with her head hanging down. The best education a family parent can give their children is to speak well and not hurt others with harsh words. Parents\’ words are particularly important to their children. When facing our children, there are some things we should say selectively, but there are 5 things we should never say. Our family had no money, so we took our children to see grandma some time ago. On the way back, I encountered something disturbing. Probably during the holiday rush, there were more people on the train than expected. My child was hungry at noon, so I ordered a meal and an ice cream. The little boy sitting on the other side of the aisle knew that there was ice cream for sale in the car. His eyes were shining with gold and he shouted: \”Mom, I want it too, I want it too.\” The boy\’s mother asked me: \”How much does it cost for such a small amount?\” Huh?\” I said: \”35 yuan.\” The boy\’s mother was shocked, hugged the noisy child tightly, and said: \”Baby, how can you afford to eat? It\’s so expensive, you can buy two new clothes.\” Boy Ye Jian kept saying: \”I want it, I want it.\” The mother was annoyed by the noise and slapped the child on the butt: \”You can\’t afford it if you say you can\’t afford it, and you can\’t afford it even if you make a noise, we can\’t. Not a rich man.\” The boy fell silent aggrievedly as his mother scolded him. Seeing that the child was really aggrieved, the mother couldn\’t bear it and said, \”As soon as you get off the car, ask dad to buy it for you. Buy a lot of ice cream and a lot of toys.\” The child said in a low voice, \”Really? I won\’t lie this time.\” Am I dead?\” At that moment, I suddenly felt sorry for the boy, and I said, \”Call me auntie, and I\’ll give one to you, okay?\” The boy\’s eyes suddenly lit up and he said, \”Auntie.\” The voice was very loud. sweet. We can\’t afford it, we can\’t afford it, we can\’t afford it, we can\’t afford it, we can\’t afford it, we can\’t afford it. If you say these things too often, it\’s like a sharp sword, slowly killing the children\’s expectations. Parents are poor themselves, so their children are inevitably dragged into the abyss of poverty. The deep-rooted attachment to poverty covers up beauty and contentment. Child, you are the one I picked up. \”Chengdu Commercial Daily\” once published such a news. On the evening of November 7, 2017, a missing person notice circulated in the circles of friends of many people in Yibin and Zigong, Sichuan, saying that at about 5:30 on the 6th, Xiaoyu, a 12-year-old girl who lived in a town in Yibin County, left. After returning home, he lost contact with his family. After Xiaoyu was found, he said, \”I always thought I was an orphan.\” Since you are an orphan, you should go to an orphanage. Coincidentally, a 58-year-old Xi\’an man believed that he was not his biological child for many years. His son took him and his 80-year-old grandfather for a paternity test.After confirming that it was correct, I let go of the big stone that had been weighing on my heart for many years. Someone once asked on Zhihu: How deeply does the sentence \”You picked it up\” hurt children? Some people say that when I was a child, I was always naughty, and my mother said with disgust that I was picked up. I didn\’t believe it at first, but later I found out that my mother had never said that about my sister. Every time I felt redundant, I would secretly wipe my tears under the covers. Later, when I was a little older, I realized that my mother was a liar. Although I was relieved at the time, the uncomfortable feeling was still fresh in my memory. Some people say that when I was a child, I was curious about babies. Once my mother was annoyed by the question and replied angrily, how can I talk to a picked-up child? I was young at the time and didn\’t know much about physiological knowledge, so I just believed it to be true. In front of my parents, I tried my best to behave well, for fear that they would throw me away if they were unhappy. Once I was alone, I resented my \”real parents\”. I also prepared a year\’s \”rations\” thinking Traveling thousands of miles to find relatives. Some people say that even if you are an adult like me, you still can\’t completely trust your parents. When I was a child, my father’s words “You are the one I picked up” made me feel ashamed and blame myself. It seemed that all bad things were attributable to myself. I was not good at talking. Since then, I have become more introverted and feel that I have no “roots”. I still feel that I have no “roots”. I have a slight social disability and can\’t get close to anyone. Psychologists believe that children see things simply and can only misattribute themselves through phenomena. This kind of joking will not only cause a psychological crisis in the child and is not conducive to the establishment of the child\’s sense of belonging and security, but will also have a fatal impact on the parent-child relationship. Get away as far as you want. My friend\’s child was very naughty. Because he was fighting for toys with the neighbor\’s children, the child\’s father repeatedly preached to no avail. Finally, he couldn\’t bear it anymore and yelled: \”Get away as far as you want.\” He was stunned for a moment, then shook his head and ran out angrily. Half an hour later, the friend came home from get off work and found that his son was not at home. The child\’s father mentioned this and asked if the child was downstairs. The friend panicked and said no. The friend and his wife began to worry, and the entire community began to search. It was late winter at that time, it got dark early, the whole community was dark, and there were few people. My friends and the couple felt like they were in an ice cellar, worried that something might happen to their children. I called all over the place but couldn\’t find him. The father was anxious and regretful. He walked around and stamped his feet. In the end, he had no choice but to call the police. Finally, the child\’s grandmother called and said that when she was about to go downstairs, she saw a figure accompanied by a whimpering sound. It turned out to be the child. The child\’s face was red, his hands and feet were cold, his nose and face were covered with tears, and he didn\’t have a penny on him. He walked for more than an hour before reaching his grandma\’s house. When I saw my grandma crying and saying that my father didn\’t want him anymore, I felt scared and helpless. I didn\’t know the address of my mother\’s work unit, so I had no choice but to come find my grandma. Later, when my friend and his wife were preparing to take the child home, the child cried for half an hour and refused to go home. After staying at grandma\’s house for half a month, the child finally agreed to talk to his father. It is the nature of children to be naughty, active, and adventurous. Parents always want their children to follow the rules. If coaxing and education are ineffective, they will directly use their trump card to tell the child to get out, withdraw their love for the child, and force the child to submit. The words are simple and rude, and the effect is sometimes immediate. But if the child really \”gets out\”, the most worrying thing isIt\’s the parents who are the most concerned. The child is alone outside, and there are many dangers. If he is not careful, he will regret it millions of times. Educationalist Zhao Donghua once said: \”When children have mood swings, stupid parents blame their children, but smart parents care about their children.\” There was a news story where a 10-year-old boy \”ran away from home\” for an hour after his father said \”get out\” . In response to this matter, Professor Yin Fei from the School of Educational Sciences of Nanjing Normal University expressed his own opinion. A crude \”get out\” is actually a deprivation of love for children. Children are full of fear of their parents. If they cannot feel the love of their parents, children are prone to rebellious behavior when they enter adolescence. I\’m doing it all for your own good. Some time ago, an article about \”American graduates from Peking University scolded their parents in a 10,000-word essay, didn\’t come back during the 2012 Spring Festival, and blacklisted their parents for 6 years\” sparked heated discussion on the Internet. In this article, the author Wang Meng (pseudonym) tells his life experience spanning thirty years in about 15,000 words in the form of a self-narration. Every word is an indictment of parents who \”use love in the name of love, but in fact control\” . According to the complaint letter, Wang Meng was an \”elite\” raised by his parents. He had excellent grades and cheated all the way in his life. He went from being the top scorer in the college entrance examination to being a top student at Peking University and a graduate student at one of the top 50 universities in the United States. From this point of view, his future was limitless. Even the blessing of a halo cannot fill the dark hole in my heart. Growing up, Wang Meng didn\’t even have the right to choose what clothes to wear. Everything had to be arranged according to his mother\’s preferences. When he was studying abroad, his parents arranged for relatives and friends to take care of him. In Wang Meng\’s eyes, this was like another kind of control; Even though he traveled from Sichuan to Beijing, and then from Beijing to the United States, he was never free from his parents\’ \”surveillance.\” Wang Meng complained that what he wanted was not much, just a little bit of autonomy. He felt that his parents always interfered in his life in the name of love, and he lived a boring life, like a basket case. String puppets. \”I have sacrificed so much for you, why don\’t you know how to be grateful?\” \”It\’s up to you whether you want to do it or not, but I\’m doing it for your own good.\” Whenever children have differences of opinion with their parents, they often become parents\’ mantras, making them The child feels guilty and powerless. It is like a shackle, restraining the child\’s inner desire and the life he wants. Erich Fromm wrote in \”The Art of Love\”: \”Mature love is, I need you because I love you.\” Applicable to the relationship between parents and children, the value of love is exactly Yes: Don’t love because you need the other person’s love and dependence, or to satisfy your own desires. Parents should not use the banner of love. Children may not be far away and may make wrong choices. Parents can remind them in time, but saying \”I am doing it for you\” is like a gap between children and parents. The distance makes the children love and hate, powerless and helpless. Rather than being simple and crude in the name of love, it is better to present facts, reason, and let the children weigh their own choices. You are so stupid to go home to celebrate the Mid-Autumn Festival this year. Your little niece is not as lively as usual and looks miserable. When I went home to tease her, she didn\’t laugh as much as usual, and from time to time she would always say she was envious of so-and-so\’s children. I thought that she was smart and annoying, so why did she say such things. One day, her sister-in-law asked her to help sweep the floor. The little niece swept the floor very seriously, but she always seemed to sweep the floor.It was not clean, so my sister-in-law came over to help: \”You are so stupid, let me do it.\” The little niece was shocked, she put down the broom and silently returned to the room. After dinner, my brother asked my little niece to go to the cabinet to find a cup. She trotted to get it. Just as she confidently handed the book to her father, her father complained: \”Oh, you are so stupid. You can\’t find a cup.\” You took it wrong, the one you drank from was a white cup.\” The smile on the child\’s face disappeared. Only then did I know the reason why my niece was always lamenting. When I asked her about her grades, my sister-in-law’s temper came back: “This child is really stupid. She got such a simple question wrong. I don’t even know how she passed the exam. Look at our neighbor. All the children in our family are double hundred.\” The little niece opened her mouth weakly and ran to the corner to wipe her tears. There is a Rosenthal effect in psychology: What your child looks like in your eyes is what your child will look like in the future. The famous American social psychologist Rosenthal once conducted such an experiment: Professor Rosenthal came to an ordinary middle school, casually walked around a class, and then circled a few students on the list. The teacher told them that these students had very high IQs and were very smart. After a while, the professor came to the middle school again, and a miracle happened again. The students he selected have now truly become the best in the class. If you think the child is smart, the child who gets this hint will get better and better. If you say the child is stupid, the child will show you how stupid he is. If you love him, respect him, give him care and encouragement, rather than blindly belittle and suppress him. Ms. Satya, a famous American family therapist, once said: A person is inextricably linked to his family of origin, and this link may affect his life. Children are born into this world with a blank slate. They will definitely make mistakes as they grow up. As parents, we should face our children with more patience and tolerance. Many parents always like to verbally threaten and hit in order to \”save worry and effort\”. This seems to be faster and more economical, but in fact it plants a seed of fear in the children\’s hearts, causing the children to become separated from their parents. After many years, they will also be affected by it. Influence, struggling with anxiety in various relationships, and even causing psychological problems. You must not hurt your child for life because of bad words. If you love him, speak well.