How to chat that kids hate the most

In adult social life, you will always encounter people who chat with each other to death, and the atmosphere becomes subtle or even awkward in an instant. In the parent-child relationship, not every parent can have a good chat with their children. Yesterday, I saw a mother and son chatting on the road. The son was very excited and talked about the new friends he met in the interest class today. The mother’s reaction was mediocre. After listening to the child’s words, she said seriously: “Don’t let people delay your class! You\’re here to study, you\’re here to make friends!\” The child looked unhappy and tugged at the strap of his schoolbag angrily: \”We didn\’t play during class!\” The mother and son chatted away unhappily. In reality, many parents are like this. We gradually find that as our children grow up, there is too much love that is difficult to express. The children who used to talk about everything are no longer willing to share their lives and thoughts with themselves. Most parents naturally regard this kind of silence between parents and children as one of the signs that their children have grown up. In fact, it reflects some issues that we often ignore in the communication process. We talk to our children every day, but how much of it is ineffective communication? In parents\’ chatting skills, the following methods are most likely to cause the parent-child relationship to gradually become alienated. PART.01 Type 1: Too many comments and too many reasons. Why do many parents always end up unhappy when chatting with their children? The biggest problem is that they always try too hard to promote their own values, point fingers at their children, output all kinds of big principles in one direction, try to change their children, and never really listen to and understand their children\’s needs. Behind every truth, there are countless \”you should\”, \”you can\’t\”, \”you can\’t\” and \”I told you so\”. Dr. Thomas Gordon, a famous American psychologist, wrote in the book \”Parent Effectiveness Training\”: \”Many parents who get into trouble in the parent-child relationship are those who have extremely strong and strict concepts of right and wrong. They have a very strong sense of their own rights and wrongs. The more certain the values ​​and beliefs are, the more likely they are to force their children to accept them. At the same time, such parents tend to be intolerant of behaviors that deviate from their values ​​and beliefs.\” Dr. Thomas Gordon calls the phenomenon of children\’s alienation from their parents What it does: Kids fire their parents. This is because when parents try to force their children to change with lengthy arguments and harsh arguments, the children will resort to avoidance and opposition to maintain their dignity and position. A parent friend asked me: \”Have you ever noticed that parents who talk more often have more communication problems with their children.\” For example, when children reach a certain age, they develop a love for beauty. When they start to care about their own dressing up, some parents raise alarm bells and start educating their children: \”Your current task is to study.\” Non-violent communication skills read online pdf+epub+mobi \”It\’s too early for you to love beauty now. Dressing up is not a student.\” Things to consider…\” From the child\’s perspective, overly lengthy preaching is a form of interference and control, and his focus is on escaping from your interference and ensuring their freedom. Once a child detects excessive educational intentions from his parents when chatting, he will be reluctant to communicate with you. If reasoning doesn\’t work the first time, parents will need to use more force to persuade later.child. After reading this, parents may have questions: \”Can\’t I reason with my children?\” In fact, reasoning can be regarded as a way of education, but you must pay attention to the methods when using it. There are two tips that can be convenient Our principles are listened to by the children. The first is listening. A psychology teacher once told me: \”The most valuable communication tool is sincere listening.\” Listening itself will convey a kind of goodwill. In parent-child communication, the value of listening has been greatly ignored. A psychologist once said: \”When you need counseling, who do you go to? Instead of going to the person who tells you what to do, you go to the person who listens, the kindest, most kind person you know. The most tolerant person who least wants to control you.\” Actively listening to your children\’s emotions can make your children feel understood, and they may even take the initiative to seek your advice. The second is to be a consultant, not a preacher. When chatting with your children, you can make suggestions and share your thoughts and experiences, but it is recommended not to give orders. If you always talk to your children as a teacher, it will only make the children lose their desire to talk to their parents. PART.02 The second type is to ignore feelings and not understand empathy. Many people have this experience. When they were children, they said to their mother: \”Mom, my back hurts!\” \”You are a child, how can you have a waist?\”… This is just It\’s a joke, but we often use the excuse that children are young to ignore their feelings: \”Are you too sensitive?\” \”Isn\’t that true? What a big deal!\” \”What\’s so sad about this.\” These words , are undoubtedly denying the child\’s true feelings. There was such a small incident: a little boy lost the Ultraman card book he had collected for a long time. After returning home, he kept crying sadly. His mother beside him tried to comfort him in vain: \”Ultraman Nadu.\” It\’s a lie! It\’s okay to lose it!\” \”Don\’t cry, it\’s just a bunch of cards!\” \”Okay, okay, let dad buy it for you later!\” The child has been collecting this card book for a long time. Many of the cards in it were exchanged with other children downstairs in the community every day. The card book is also his \”social pass\”. The children are very envious of him. Every time he takes it downstairs, it always attracts the attention of a group of children. But his mother\’s words made him even more sad. Each of her words of \”comfort\” reminds the child: your hobbies and your feelings are not worth mentioning. In fact, children\’s feelings are much more delicate than you think. Things that adults think are small may seem \”bigger than the sky\” to children themselves. As adults, when we communicate with those close to us, by the time the conversation is over, we feel closer and more deeply connected than before. This is because the other party gives us emotional tolerance, understanding and acceptance, and can respond positively, and we will know that we deserve to be treated so tenderly. The same should be true for conversations between parents and children. Communication skills are actually not that important. What is important is that you should focus on your children\’s feelings, stay with them, understand them, support them, and share pain and joy. If a child no longer believes that he can get comfort and help from his parents, no longer feels that his parents care about and tolerates him, and he is much disappointed, he will not be willing to be open to you anymore.Mouth. PART.03 The third type: the chat content is too single and too \”utilitarian\”. In many families, parents and children have nothing to talk about except studying. In the movie \”A Thousand Arrows Pierce the Heart\”, the son said to his mother: \”Growing up, apart from whether you have finished your homework or whether you have finished your homework, would you say anything else?\” A survey once found that nearly In 20% of families, if they don\’t talk about homework, exams and study, there is almost nothing to say between parents and children. Different children have different understandings of their parents\’ chatting methods. A student once expressed his inner distress like this: \”Every time my parents talk to me, they open and close their mouths just to study, study, study, and they don\’t understand me at all. I feel that what they love about me is not who I am at all, but my grades. I\’m good at studying.\” Many children can relate to this pain. Why are there so many mentally ill children nowadays? Part of the reason is that the source of their sense of value is too single. Their grades determine whether they are excellent, their grades determine whether their parents are pleasant, and their grades determine how they view themselves… Just like when we go to work every day, if you only have this one thing every day This is the only topic you can communicate with your relatives and friends. In the long run, you will also develop a sense of \”meaninglessness in life.\” This is also one of the reasons why children do not want to chat with their parents. They do not feel any love and care from their parents. Parents who are good at chatting not only care about their children\’s academic performance, but also talk more about life, hobbies, and even nonsense with their children. The famous German writer Christoph Hein created a picture book called \”Talk to Children about the Most Important Things in Life\”. Life is very complicated, and we have too many things to talk about with our children: friends, cats, food… These topics that have nothing to do with learning happen to be an indispensable part of children\’s lives. When parents chat with their children, they must understand the art of \”talking nonsense\”. Casual words contain the expression of love and the flow of emotions. The children will also fully feel their parents\’ love and attention, and gain a sense of security and happiness. Being able to chat is the most important educational skill that parents should master. I hope that neither you nor I are the \”chat terminators\” in the eyes of children, let\’s encourage each other!