How to communicate most effectively with children

A few months ago, I was tossing and turning almost every night. The image of my son blushing, staring at me, and roaring hysterically always reappears in my mind. I don’t know when it started, but the communication pattern between my son and I entered a vicious cycle of quarrels, rage, and nothing. No matter what I say, my son will always contradict me point-to-point. Then, our communication will change from arguing about issues to venting emotions, and finally evolve into mutual harm between mother and child. The most impressive time: my son stretched out and said to himself: \”Ah… why is this math problem so difficult?\” I took the opportunity to educate: \”Those who don\’t know how to do it are difficult, and those who know how to do it won\’t find it difficult. The reason why you find it difficult is not because you didn\’t listen carefully in class.\” When my son heard what I said, he retorted angrily: \”Why do you say that I didn\’t listen carefully in class? You saw it at school, and the teacher told you.\” When I heard this, After saying this, I immediately got angry: \”How can you talk to adults like this? You are not good at academics and you still have the nerve to yell.\” My son glared at me and slammed the pen on the table. Not to be outdone, I threw everything on his desk to the ground. He immediately stood up and yelled at me hysterically: \”What are you doing!\” Then, he closed the door with a bang. I looked at the mess all over the ground and felt regretful and sad. What I regret is how I got things like this again. How do parents communicate with their children? The most acceptable way of education for children. Mobi is saddened by the fact that the children who used to talk to me about everything are now so difficult to communicate with? I reasoned with him, but he couldn\’t get enough of it, and would always get angry with me by blowing his beard and staring. Even sometimes, I don\’t know what I said wrongly that offended him. In fact, American psychologist Professor Michel Luxemburg once said: \”Wrong communication methods cause direct misunderstandings and conflicts between people, making both parties communicate with violence instead of love in the language. .\” After some in-depth reflection, summary and practice, I discovered that the problem between me and my children is not that there is no love between us, but that the wrong communication method makes the love between us go to waste. If we want to make parent-child communication intimate and smooth, we must understand these three theories. 01 Cup Theory I once saw a video like this: a little boy in kindergarten accidentally knocked down the blocks he had worked so hard to stack. He picked up a small elephant stuffed animal and threw it against the toilet. Then, he picked it up and smashed it again, repeating the cycle several times. Seeing this, the mother gently educated her: \”My child, no matter how angry you are, the blocks will never return to their original shape. You should first find a way to stack the blocks instead of taking out the little elephant to vent your anger.\” However, the little boy didn\’t do anything. Hearing what his mother said, he became even more angry. He took the baby elephant and threw it at her, glaring at her and saying, \”I\’m going to hit him, I\’m going to hit him, I\’m going to hit him.\” His mother was so angry that she raised her hand and wanted to hit him. . I remember it was written in the \”Whole Brain Parenting Method\”: \”When a person loses control of his emotions, his brain will automatically shut down rational thinking.\” Therefore, when parents\’ children\’s emotions explode, the more they force their children to calm down and control, the more they will give them If the child tries to reason and tell the facts, the child will become more out of control and become moreRebellious. This is like the \”cup theory\” shared with me by a teacher friend: He said that when communicating with children, we should treat them as a cup filled with water. A cup that is already filled with water, no matter how much water we pour into it, it is useless, it will not get in at all. At this time, we might as well find a way to pour out some of the water in the cup first, so that we can add something to it. Therefore, when we communicate with our children, we might as well let them speak, complain, or even quibble. Only when the child\’s emotions are vented, and when the child feels that we accept, respect and are not hostile to him, can we have the opportunity to get into the child\’s heart and our communication can be truly effective. Just like the foreign father on the Internet taught his temperamental daughter: \”It\’s not a big deal to be angry. You can be angry with me, your mother, your sister, and yourself. Sometimes you can just stop Come down and vent loudly, or take it out on a pillow. The important thing is that you don\’t stay immersed in your anger, and don\’t let this mood control you for too long, because if it lasts for too long, problems will arise.\” With dad\’s acceptance and guidance Next, the daughter finally told the reason for her anger: \”I don\’t like you scolding me.\” In fact, when children lose their temper, they are asking their parents for help in their own way. As long as we give our children the opportunity to express their feelings and are willing to listen, we can understand how to ease their children\’s knots. 02 Trash Can Theory Psychologist Bion once said: \”Children need to obtain a container-like sense of security from their parents – no matter how serious their impulses and destructiveness are, their parents can still stand there intact.\” The implication is that That is: parents should be their children\’s \”trash cans\”, be able to catch their children\’s emotional garbage, and give their children the trust and security they need. I have seen such a true story. The little girl Tracey was born into a violent black family. When she was 6 years old, she was adopted by a 40-year-old white couple. When I was 7 years old, one day many guests came to the house. Everyone ate and chatted happily around the table, laughing \”haha…ha\” from time to time. The little girl who had just had her teeth extracted and could only eat noodles suddenly lost control of her emotions. She threw the bowl to the ground with a bang, covered her face with one hand and cried bitterly, and pointed at her adoptive parents with the other and cursed. Others thought the little girl was being unreasonable and ignorant. But her adoptive parents always looked at the little girl patiently and quietly, and learned from her scolding: It turned out that the reason for the little girl\’s anger was because she had just had her teeth extracted and was suffering physical pain, while everyone was talking and laughing. . She felt that everyone not only ignored her pain, but also laughed at her funny appearance after the tooth extraction. More importantly, this bad feeling brought back painful memories of her past where \”a person was brutally abused, but no one cared about it.\” After learning the real reason why the little girl lost her temper, her adoptive parents did not forcefully correct her misunderstanding. Instead, they looked at the little girl firmly and gently, and sincerely clarified over and over again: \”We are not laughing at you, we all love you.\” You.\” It wasn\’t until the little girl continued to vent for nearly 40 minutes and gradually calmed down that her adoptive parents gentlyHe walked to the little girl\’s side and stretched out his hand to her gently. The little girl instinctively turned away to avoid the eyes of her adoptive parents. Her adoptive parents did not force her to come forward, nor did they turn away. They still waited patiently. After another ten minutes of stalemate, the little girl finally turned around slowly, patted her adoptive mother\’s hand gently with her own, and smiled. The next day, the little girl wrote this line in the guestbook on the dining table: \”Mom, Dad, I love you.\” To be honest, I really admire the little girl\’s adoptive parents. They did not regard the little girl as a malicious \”little devil\”, but as a poor child who was at a loss. They used their strong tolerance, understanding, empathy and love to catch the little girl\’s emotional garbage, and worked hard to melt the grievances, uneasiness and anger in the little girl\’s heart. Teacher Wu Zhihong once said: \”The toxic black energy of the child is transformed into non-toxic white energy through the efforts of the caregiver, and then returned to the child. This process is \’detoxification\’.\” Only parents who can handle the \”junk\” in their children\’s hearts can hold their children\’s hearts in check. In the final analysis, parents\’ acceptance and tolerance are the key to whether children can put down their aggression and open up to their parents. There is a segment in the 03Filter Theory documentary \”Chinese Youth Story\” that is particularly heart-wrenching. One day, my mother came home from get off work and saw her son Ruoyu hadn’t finished his homework, so she said something to him in a somewhat angry tone. Before that, the father who had been chatting with Ruoyu had reached the critical point of getting angry. Ruoyu looked at the angry expressions on his parents\’ faces and suddenly said: \”If you get angry, you should think about it before going home. Everyone has a bottle, and if the bottle is full of water, it will overflow. You fill the bottle with your daily work. Whenever you see anything bad about me when you get home, the bottle will overflow and your emotions will be vented on me. So, can you empty this bottle before you go home? For a moment. Or you can bring two bottles and you have one bottle outside. That bottle will not affect your return home.\” Ruoyu\’s words suddenly woke up his parents. The latest and most complete 2023 [Kindergarten, Junior High and High School] premium VIP course catalogs from famous teachers in various disciplines on the entire network, click to view now! They finally realized: It turned out that they were blaming their children for their fatigue, worry, and anxiety outside and at work. Teacher Fan Deng once said: \”Ninety percent of parents scolding their children are out of anger. It is their own frustration, their own sense of incompetence, their own powerlessness, and their anger is directed at the child opposite.\” Children are the weakest in the family. That person will naturally become the ultimate victim of his parents\’ negative emotions and bad mood. What\’s even worse is that when parents communicate with their children emotionally, not only will it be in vain, but it will also hurt the child\’s heart and put the parent-child relationship in jeopardy. Therefore, if you want to have smooth and pleasant communication with your children, parents must understand the filter theory: filter out all your bad emotions before entering the house. There is such a scene in the TV series \”Young Sheldon\”. Little Sheldon was in a bad mood and lost his temper with his family during dinner. little sheldon\’s dadDad was not angry, but gently and calmly told little Sheldon about his bad day, and told him that no matter what, he could not bring negative emotions home. After listening to his father\’s words, little Sheldon\’s bad mood dissipated instantly and he ate obediently. Emotions are contagious. Good emotions will generate positive energy fields, and bad emotions will generate negative energy fields. Parents learn to filter their own emotions and leave good emotions to their children. Only then can children put away their aggression and destructiveness and learn to communicate as gently and smoothly as their parents. 04 Fu Lei once said to his son Fu Cong: \”Son, the lessons I have learned from you are probably no less than the lessons you have learned from me. Especially in the past three years, you don\’t know how much more profound experience I have gained in life. From In the process of getting along with you, I learned patience, skills in speaking, and sublimation of feelings.\” Parent-child communication is a lesson that every parent must practice. When there are problems in our communication with our children, it is precisely when we need to change. Only when we learn to accept our children\’s emotions and learn to control our own emotions can our relationship with our children be better and our communication smoother and more effective. Like it and share it with your friends.