How to criticize your child\’s approach?

I couldn\’t help but sigh when I heard a friend\’s real experience. When I was in elementary school, the teacher wanted to select a checkers player to participate in the school competition. This friend\’s chess skills were good, but he didn\’t have the courage to recommend himself. He kept retreating and finally watched the opportunity slip away. After returning home, he told his father what had happened. His father looked sullen and said, \”You kid will have no future!\” After that, he turned around and left. His father has always been tough. When he saw his son\’s \”cowardly\” behavior, he attacked his son with \”venomous tongue\” to vent his anger. The young friend, looking at his father\’s indifferent back, fell into deep fear and uneasiness. He began to identify in his bones that he was \”worthless\” and often struggled in the self-restraint of belittling and denying. More than twenty years later, even though he has gone through a series of major life events such as studying, choosing a career, and starting a family, he still cannot let go of those words. After listening to his story, I sighed deeply. That needle-like \”criticism\” stung the child when he needed the most support when he was young, and even stayed with him throughout his life. I remember a philosopher said: \”Where a person\’s education from an early age guides him will determine where he will go later.\” The future of a child depends largely on how his parents educate him. We love our children as much as we love life, but if we confuse criticism with \”PUA\”, the output of this love may delay the development of the child\’s life. The essence of PUA is mental suppression as well as educating children. Parents\’ communication methods contain destructive elements of belittling, denying, and ridiculing, which must bring a heavy mental blow to the children. I have seen the way actor Li Chengru communicates with his son Li Dahai, which is breathtaking. In a program, Li Chengru spoke contemptuously and angrily commented on his son in front of everyone: \”That\’s bullshit!\” In his opinion, his son failed to rank first in the world in billiards and had no famous masterpieces as a singer. Without him, he would Father and son are not known at all. But in fact, Li Dahai founded his own film and television company, released 6 singles, and participated in the production of countless music works. Even if he is not famous, he can be regarded as a hard-working second-generation star. However, after his father kept warning him, \”You are terrible,\” and \”You owe all your appearance to me because of me,\” the son\’s sense of self-identity continued to disintegrate, and he was often lost in the fog of his sense of value. The famous psychologist Carol Dweck once conducted an experiment. She selected 67 kindergarten children and asked the teachers to \”criticize\” the children in different ways: one was to tell the children \”You are not smart enough, and I am very harsh on you.\” \”Disappointed\” personal criticism; one is the result criticism of \”This house is a bit crooked\” and the other is the process criticism of \”Can you think of other ways?\” The results show that among the above three methods, the first type of personal criticism brings the most obvious helplessness to children, and their self-evaluation is also the lowest. Why is this happening? There is a concept of \”mirror self\” in psychology. When a child grows up, the authority of parents is unquestionable. Their external evaluation is like a mirror, reflecting the child\’s self-portrait. fatherThe \”worse\” child the mother draws with her mouth is, the lower the child\’s self-evaluation and the deeper the self-doubt, which is reflected in the behavior, that is, the child is less confident and timid in doing things. When the mental suppression reaches its extreme and becomes part of the child\’s subconscious, the child himself will eventually be destroyed. The core of criticism is to guide and encourage children to get on the right track, which is the responsibility of parents. However, when criticizing children, you should not use too much force, but should be strict but not hurtful. Recently I came across a video of Wang Nan \”hard-core criticizing\” her daughter, and I thought about it for a long time after watching it. Faced with Xiaoxiao who was not attentive enough in practice, Wang Nan continued to serve at high speed while criticizing her daughter calmly but harshly: \”Is your stomach weak or your legs weak? Don\’t think about it ending as soon as you play. I practiced for two hours today. It’s over, focus!” Xiaoxiao’s eyes were filled with tears, but she was still out of shape. Wang Nan did not relent, and even used a big move to punish her daughter not to watch TV at night. Under her double training, Xiaoxiao became serious and continued continuously. I have served more than 30 times and my condition is getting better and better. When children have behavioral deviations, do they have to be devalued as \”lazy\”, \”stupid\” or \”silly\”? Wang Nan\’s education method made me understand that there are better, smarter and more effective methods. Isn\’t this the best \”criticism\” if you don\’t insult the child\’s personality, protect the child\’s sense of self-identity, clearly point out the crux of the problem, and then provide guidance on the correct method? Criticizing children is by no means a coercion of negative emotions and inflicting psychological damage, but rather leading children to see a new world and return to the right path from the wrong path. I remember when I was a child, I was addicted to game consoles and couldn\’t help myself. I often played games secretly without telling my parents, and I didn\’t even bother to do my homework. One time, my mother found out after coming home from work. Instead of getting angry, she said seriously: \”From now on, when you get home, eat first. Playing games all the time is bad for your eyes.\” I remembered my mother\’s serious expression, and I also remembered it. The nature of playing games is to learn to restrain yourself appropriately, but you do not attack yourself as a \”bad kid\”. You still have self-respect and self-love in your bones. Scholar Zheng Qiang said: \”Never criticize a child\’s personality, only criticize his behavior.\” Positive guidance should be given when the behavior exceeds the limit, and a child\’s personality should not be denigrated. This can not only protect the child\’s inner sense of security, but also guard the child\’s attitude towards the child. Positive self-perception. When criticizing children, please keep in mind the \”Three Key Points.\” \”Sustained Happiness\” writes: \”Ruthless criticism often makes us stubborn out of self-defense, or worse, makes us despair and refuse to go.\” Make changes.\” Criticizing children is a technical job. If done well, it can help children establish correct views and become better. However, if done poorly, it may hinder their future. Never engage in \”family PUA\” with your children. Parents can keep the following three principles in mind to protect their children\’s spiritual home: 1) Pay attention to the occasion. A few days ago, a video of a little boy crying and begging his father not to scold him at the school gate went viral. The boy was criticized in public by his father and was seen by his classmates. He felt very humiliated and cried and argued with his father. As children gain self-awareness, their self-esteem begins to gradually increase. Children’s self-esteem must be protected at all times.Respect the heart, this is an iron law of education. Parents must choose the right time and occasion and learn to save face for their children, so that they can be more easily accepted by their children and the education can be more effective. 2) Be as brief as possible to explain the \”over-limit effect\” in psychology. When parents talk too much, it may exceed the child\’s tolerance limit, weakening the educational effect. Even parents nagging and criticizing can trigger children\’s rebellious psychology and have counterproductive effects. Therefore, criticism of children should be concise, concise and short. The less and accurately parents say, the more powerful the words will be and the more likely they will be able to arouse children\’s recognition. It’s best to be effective if you don’t talk too much. 3) Pay attention to your tone of voice. I saw a piece of news about a boy who ran away from home after being criticized by his grandmother for poor grades. The family was very worried. Fortunately, the boy finally returned home safely. The voice and tone of parents convey blame and venting, or guidance and education. When faced with children who make mistakes, we will inevitably be impatient and emotionally inflated, but learning to suppress our emotions can demonstrate to our children how to manage themselves, and avoid irritating them, causing them to resent and escape. Really well-mannered parents will speak quickly and slowly, instead of suppressing their children with loud voices, but using low voices to educate and assimilate their children. \”Appropriate Self-Esteem\” says: What should we do if our children don\’t take the initiative in learning? How to make children fall in love with learning and efficient accompanying reading class completed mp3 \”Self-esteem is how we see ourselves and whether we like ourselves in our eyes.\” Long-term mental suppression will make children see a frustrated, depressed and disgraced self; correct criticism Only through guidance can children appreciate themselves and learn to shape a stronger and better self. As parents, we might as well start from the incident itself, understand the child\’s original intention, and convey the correct value. These are the original intentions of critical education. Only when parents have more zippers on their lips, will their children\’s growth be less hazy. In the days to come, the sea will be broad enough for fish to leap, and the sky high for birds to fly.