How to cultivate children’s optimistic and cheerful character

In the past few years, words such as \”mourning\”, \”lying flat\” and \”living in ruins\” have become popular on the Internet, and many young people will describe themselves in this way. The general meaning is that in the face of problems, they finally choose to face it passively, escape and give up. If this kind of behavior persists for a long time and becomes more severe, it is likely to be a psychological phenomenon – learned helplessness. For example, after some college students fail the postgraduate entrance examination or public examination, they often fall into deep self-doubt, and then lose the motivation and confidence to act. We will also see this kind of behavior in children. Some children often talk about \”I can\’t\” and \”I can\’t do it\” and want to give up when they encounter a little difficulty. As parents, we are always angry and anxious when we see this kind of reaction from our children. What we are angry about is not that the children are really powerless, but that they have made the challenge difficult and ruled out any possibility without trying. It comes from the idea that no matter how hard I try, it doesn\’t work, so forget it. In today’s article, we will talk about the reasons and countermeasures for this idea. What is \”Learned Helplessness\” \”Learned Helplessness\” is a concept proposed by American psychologist Martin Seligman. It generally refers to the behavior of letting oneself be manipulated due to repeated failure or punishment. The most common description is: a person realizes that nothing he does can control the outcome of things, so he faces life negatively, has no willpower to overcome difficulties, reduces his initiative, and easily falls into helplessness, depression and despair. This sense of helplessness will cause children to give up action and set up barriers on their own. [Authoritative Classic Collection] How to Improve Emotional Intelligence and Social Skills Picture Book learnig to get along 15 volumes PDF+MP3+Translation uses a story to explain this phenomenon: In circuses in some places in the past, in order to tame elephants, elephants would be raped Tie to a stake. However, the elephants never thought of breaking free, even though it was not difficult for them. It turns out that when elephants were still little elephants, they were tied to wooden stakes. At that time, they did not have the strength to pull out the wooden stakes, and they always failed to succeed after trying over and over again. Over time, the baby elephants gave up their struggle. When they grew into elephants, they became content with the status quo, although their strength was no longer the same. Children also have \”sticks\” that they can\’t break free from. When they experience multiple failures, their self-confidence will be severely damaged, and it is easy for them to develop learned helplessness at this time. For example, some children have poor academic performance. After working hard for a period of time, there is no significant improvement, so they give up studying. Some children are not very popular. When they try to actively interact with others but do not receive positive feedback, they close their hearts and refuse to socialize. The vast majority of them are not incapable of facing those difficulties, but fall into a psychological state of \”learned helplessness\” and lack confidence and enthusiasm. I once heard a young friend talk about her experience in high school: When she was a freshman in high school, she didn’t know if she had not adapted to the difficulty of high school study. She performed very poorly in several math exams, especially in the last one. I always lose points on a few word questions. Gradually, she felt burdened when she heard that there was a math test. Every time I take an exam, I usually do the previous questions very smoothly.Chang, when it came to the next few application questions, I was very resistant to thinking about them. I even accepted that these questions were difficult without even reading the questions carefully. When I handed in the test paper, there were more and more blank answers. She recalled: \”At that time, there was only one thought in my mind: I can\’t seem to learn mathematics well.\” Compared with the difficulty of learning mathematics, the fear of failure in her heart was more difficult to overcome. She always preconceived that she was \”not good\”, so It really became \”no good\”. How do children learn this sense of helplessness? 1. Unnecessary protection and restriction. In the early stages of their lives, children are full of curiosity and enthusiasm for the world. They naturally like to try and explore. Look here and there, taste whatever you get, step on puddles of fallen leaves, crawl on the cold ground, jump on the sofa, jump down the steps… ··In these processes, it is inevitable that mistakes will be made, causing trouble to parents, and bringing some bad experiences to the children themselves, such as eating sand, touching a very hot water glass, etc. Some parents, out of the protection of their children, or do not want to clean up the \”mess\”, always restrict their children\’s activities, often say \”no, no, no, can\’t\”, or make a fuss to remind their children of \”danger\” and \”be careful\” . As time goes by, the children dare not touch this or that, and they do not dare to \”step beyond the bounds\”. They limit themselves to a small \”safe\” range and are full of fear and distrust of the world. The more you don\’t do it, the less likely you are to master basic life skills. Children who grow up in this way are usually timid, unconfident, timid in doing things, only dare to \”play it safe\”, and lack the spirit of challenge and adventure. 2. Inappropriate evaluation methods Children are young and have insufficient self-awareness, so their understanding of themselves depends to a large extent on the evaluation of their parents. However, many parents do not pay attention to their own language, and often criticize, sarcastically, attack, and pour cold water on their children. Some words they say intentionally or unintentionally may give their children negative psychological hints and think that they are not good enough. -\”Mom, I want to be a scientist in the future!\” -\”With your grades, you can still be a scientist, and it will be good if you can find a job.\” Label your children at will: \”You are not good at math\” and \”You can\’t dance.\” \”You\’re so timid\” and \”You can\’t do it\”; when a child makes a mistake: \”What\’s the use of you?\” \”You\’re so stupid\” and \”Pig-brained\”… These destructive words and negative comments will make children become more and more depressed. I have become more and more inferior, have doubts about my abilities, think that I can\’t achieve good results even if I work hard, and I am very negative. 3. Incorrect attribution When faced with the same thing, some children become more courageous the more frustrated they are. Some children, when they encounter setbacks, feel that it is their own problem as a whole, and extend the problem in one aspect to all aspects, and feel that No matter how hard you try, you can\’t change the outcome. If you are poor at learning, you think you are not born with the talent to study and your IQ is not good enough; if you do not handle interpersonal relationships well, you think there is something wrong with you and you are easily disliked by others; if you encounter difficulties for a while, you think you will always be in such a predicament in the future. This is how the child talks to himself in his consciousness. They put themselves in a situation that is so hopeless that they cannot changeIn such a difficult situation, he gave up resistance and \”broken the jar and threw it away.\” This mentality is sometimes passed on to children unconsciously by parents. Cultivate children’s “learned optimism” In response to learned helplessness, Professor Martin Seligman proposed learned optimism. He explained: “When you teach a child to be optimistic, you teach him to know himself and to be optimistic about himself. and the theories that form the world. You teach him to take a positive attitude toward his own world and the way he shapes his life, rather than passively waiting and accepting what happens to him.\” How do you teach your child to be optimistic? There are three principles here: a sense of control, positive emotions, and explanatory style. 1. Help children establish a sense of control within a safe range, allowing them to fully explore and feel various things around them. Encourage your child to do things he can do on his own and develop life skills in all aspects. Having full knowledge and understanding of various things and the ability to take care of themselves independently will give children a sense of control and security, and their self-confidence will also be improved. If the child encounters difficulties, help the child break down the big goal into small goals and do something even small through hard work. Only when children truly improve their living and learning abilities will they have a more positive and objective understanding of themselves. 2. Help children understand their emotions. When faced with challenges, it is normal for children to have all kinds of negative emotions. On the road to success, children need to learn to get along with such depressive emotions. We cannot criticize this emotion crudely, nor can we use blind praise to make children feel satisfied. The key to guiding children is to allow them to express themselves, accept and channel their emotions, so that they can feel seen and valued, be able to affirm their own value, and develop courage and positive energy in their hearts. Children who grow up in an inclusive, supportive, and warm emotional environment are better able to learn to resolve negative emotions. 3. Help children develop an optimistic explanation style, guide them to form positive thinking, and learn to start from things that can be changed when encountering difficulties, instead of falling into the vicious circle of \”learned helplessness\”. For example, if your child\’s grades are not good, find the reason with him: \”It\’s not that you can\’t learn well, you just haven\’t learned well yet. Did we not work hard enough? Or have we not found a good learning method?\” When criticizing your child, be careful of those permanent, A universal pessimistic message, stay away from words starting with \”you always\”, \”you always\” and \”you are\”. When praising a child, don\’t simply praise the child for being \”smart\” or \”likeable\”. Instead, praise the child more specifically for certain qualities, such as \”hard enough\”, \”serious attitude\”, \”careful\”, \”helpful\”, \”kind\” \”Understanding\” and \”knowing how to consider other people\’s feelings.\” Inspire children to think differently, think about things that are within their control, regard mistakes and failures as temporary and accidental events, and encourage children to change the status quo through personal efforts. When you can analyze your child\’s problems objectively, your child can also learn this method to think and solve problems that arise. Our education is not to allow children to always be in good times and never have to go through ups and downs, but to allow children to have a strong enough psychology and intelligent thinking even in adversity to get out of trouble and gain a new life through their own efforts. Don’t let this “learned behavior”The mentality of \”helping\” limits the growth of children.