How to cultivate children\’s resilience and self-esteem?

The \”China Child Suicide Report\” points out that China\’s child suicide ranks first in the world, with about 100,000 teenagers dying of suicide every year. Every ten minutes, 2 children die by suicide and 8 attempt suicide. The mental health problems of teenagers are far more serious than we think, and they urgently need the attention of each of us. In fact, many times, children send distress signals to their parents, but their parents don\’t even know. Parents should attach great importance to these two sections: How to Improve Emotional Intelligence Magic Training Camp pdf First: If your child has been acting abnormally recently and always says one or more of the following 10 sentences, don’t ignore the child’s “distress signal” and call for help in a timely manner. Seek professional help. Second: children’s resilience and self-esteem. Our society is in great need of \”self-esteem education\”. No. 1 The first section looks at the problem through reality. A neighbor\’s 13-year-old boy who was out of school said: \”Let\’s see what disease he has.\” The boy was very silent. During lunch, he sometimes sighed, sometimes covered his face, and swallowed with difficulty. After 50 minutes, half the bowl of rice has not yet reached the bottom. I observed that the boy was very depressed. So I asked the boy\’s parents: \”Have you taken him to the hospital for evaluation? Have you asked a psychiatrist to prescribe medication for him?\” The boy\’s parents smiled and said: \”Oh, don\’t be fooled by him. He is just pretending and doesn\’t want to go to school. .\” Then I realized: The boy\’s parents didn\’t ask me to see a doctor at all, but wanted to use my words to \”expose\” him to pretend to be sick and force him to return to school. Parents believe that depression is mental illness. How can their children suffer from mental illness if they eat well and sleep well? After a lot of effort, I asked the boy to take a depression assessment, and the results showed that he was moderately depressed. Then I convinced the boy\’s parents to take him to the hospital. The initial diagnosis was winter depressive disorder. I think about this over and over again, and the more I think about it, the more chills go down my spine: Depression leads to a loss of appetite, followed by a decrease in the desire to survive. If the boy is not sent to the hospital in time, his condition will continue to worsen after winter. The change of seasons every year is the season when depression is most common. The bleak winter scenery can make people feel sad, and it can also lead to suicidal thoughts and suicidal behavior in patients with depression. Martin Segliman, the father of positive psychology, believes that depression is the emotional world: a cold. Children with a tendency to be depressed will also have \”fever and cough.\” Those \”pretending to be sick\” in the eyes of adults are just a sign that the child is sick. However, due to the lack of clear symptoms, parents often do not know that their children are sick, or even if they realize that something is wrong with their children, they do not know whether they should send them to the doctor or take medicine. How to judge at this time? The most direct way is: listen to what the child says. If your child has said these 10 words in the past two months, it may be sending a signal that \”I am depressed.\” 01 \”Am I ugly?\” A 9-year-old girl in Zhengzhou was diagnosed with depression. The trigger was that the teacher was too beautiful and made her feel ugly. Coincidentally, the girl\’s mother loves to dress up and has a beautiful appearance. Unknowingly, the girl feels inferior under the light of her mother, and transfers this inferiority to the teacher. The girl thinks that the teacher is so beautiful that she is ashamed of herself. Her mother cannot understand: \”The teacher is very average-looking.\” In fact, the girl\’s perception is conveying a subtext: I am too ugly and everyone is more beautiful than me. This ugly self-awareness, earlierIt exists in the girl\’s heart. The \”Depression Research Institute\” put forward a research result: Depression will affect appearance, causing dark circles, eye bags, and acne. Decreased appearance will further affect mood, making patients more depressed. As the fatigue caused by depression increases, the love and confidence in life will gradually decrease. Children will ask their parents, \”Am I ugly?\” Or often look in the mirror and sigh. The low self-esteem accumulated in the past was activated by a small trigger and worsened into the source of depression. 02 \”I always feel dizzy\” There is a kind of depression that is easily misdiagnosed. It is called \”hidden depression\”. The patient\’s depression is not prominent, but the physical symptoms are obvious, such as dizziness, brain fever, fatigue, Banging your head against the wall. Hidden depression mostly occurs in middle-aged and elderly women. However, as the pace of study becomes more and more intense, there is no time to vent the depression, and some children who are emotionally restrained and depressed will also suffer from the disease. After getting sick, physical symptoms appear earlier than depression, and are more severe during the day than at night. They are especially likely to develop during summer and winter. If your child keeps complaining of headaches, sometimes the symptoms will go away on their own; if they last for up to two weeks and no cause can be found, it\’s time to see a psychiatric hospital for a check-up. 03 \”I can\’t find the energy to do anything\” The reason why children suffer from depression is mostly due to the family: parents hope that their children will succeed, family discipline is too strict, parents are emotionally discordant… A cold family makes children overthink, become suspicious and restless, and appear \” Symptoms of \”three lows\”: low mood, slow thinking, and low will. During this period, the child feels unmotivated in anything he or she does, and becomes indifferent to things that he was interested in in the past. Even if he gets a perfect score on the exam, he does not feel happy, but feels disappointed. Psychologists have observed that when parents argue loudly, the child will immediately stop what he is doing, even if he is engaged. Sometimes children do not feel that they are in a bad mood, but they are just not interested in the things around them. They pay close attention to every move of their parents, which consumes their mental energy and makes them unable to detect their emotions, but curiosity cannot deceive others. Children who can\’t get excited about anything, even if they look normal, are actually already in a depressed mood. 04 “I hate that person so much.” I had a teenage client who hated a classmate and filled several pages in his diary with the words “bitch.” She felt that doing so was terrible, but she could not control her resentment. She had emotional attacks and would have fierce arguments with her classmates and teachers. Depression can make children feel hot and cold, and they can resent some people for no obvious reason. This is because children are pessimistic and painful inside, have a strong desire to save themselves, and resent others, which can alleviate the pain a little, which is a case of \”seeking medical treatment in an emergency.\” If a child has resented someone recently, parents should not rush to blame. Communicate with the child and observe whether his resentment is justified. Is this emotion a clinical manifestation of depression? 05 \”I can\’t remember anything.\” When an old mother helps her children with their homework, they will have this kind of breakdown moment: one second they just taught their children, and the next second they forget them. They teach and forget again and again, and they can\’t learn anything. Children are prone to wandering and being distracted. In addition to not being serious enough, it may also be caused by depression. Compared with healthy people, the hippocampus, amygdala, dorsomedial anteriorThe gray matter density of the frontal cortex decreased significantly. This causes children to have reduced memory, distracted attention, and a blank brain, so the more excited they are, the more \”they can\’t remember anything.\” 06 \”I can\’t sleep\” There are two \”depression keywords\” in psychological counseling: insomnia and suicide. If the client reports that he has not slept well in the past week and wakes up early from insomnia, I will recommend him to undergo a depression assessment. Generally, only moderate to severe depression leads to suicidal thoughts, but even mild depression can lead to insomnia. why? Because insomnia can bring about neurasthenia and make people excited, and neurasthenia is an indicator of depression. When children can\’t sleep, it\’s often because their bodies are sleepy but their hearts are still excited. These children were tossing and turning, but some parents gave them earplugs, eye masks, and soundproofing equipment. Indeed, this can help children fall asleep better, but the child\’s inner signals are ignored. The root cause of insomnia is that the child has psychological burden, so it is best to observe it for a few days. If the child does not sleep well for two consecutive weeks, send him to the doctor in time to avoid delaying the condition. 07 \”I want to be alone\” Compared with extroverted children, introverted children are more likely to suffer from neurotic depression. They lack social interaction, have no outlet for their worries, cannot find resonance with their emotions, and are prone to remain depressed. When an extroverted child is depressed, he will alienate friends and want to be alone, as if he has become a different person, and his parents can notice it to some extent. Introverted children are usually very silent, and sometimes their parents don’t know whether they want to be quiet. Want some quiet time? At this time, parents can observe: Is the child unhappy for several days? Do you get sulky when you see others happy? If your child is keen on being alone, but is in a happy mood and does not take offense at others, you can relax; if your child is depressed and always looks down upon others, it means that your child is prone to depression. 08 \”Can I really do it?\” When a child asks this question, parents will feel that the child is a little unsure; but if the child always says this, it may be due to the decrease in biogenic amines in the brain caused by pathological depression and the loss of muscle and nervous system components. Loss of vitality. The child feels \”not as powerful as before\”, and it is very difficult to do things that he did easily in the past. In this case, parents don’t have to force their children to do something. Don’t do it if they don’t want to do it, because the child feels in his heart that he will mess up everything. Regardless of whether he does it well or not, depression will haunt him in the process of doing things, making the child think about it again and again. Feeling more and more inferior. 09 \”What is death?\” There is a boy visitor who likes to wear \”skeleton\” T-shirts. His parents think he is \”acting cool\”, but in fact the child is very anxious inside. Human beings are naturally curious about death, but there are too many things in life that are more interesting than death. The curiosity about \”life\” outweighs the curiosity about \”death\”; but when the sense of self-worth is reduced, the joy of life is weakened, and the curiosity about \”life\” is weakened. The curiosity of \”death\” will overwhelm the curiosity of \”life\”. The boy recently failed an exam and his sense of self-worth has been reduced. He cannot find a sense of value in life and instead explores death. In doing so, they are actually trying to find ways to divert the pain of depression and explore death. On the contrary, it shows that death is \”controllable\” in the child\’s heart. A child who is not allowed to explore death will have an even weaker desire to live. When he no longer has any curiosity about death,It will get out of control. Children will unconsciously get close to death, develop a desire to die, and then have the idea of ​​\”I want to die.\” 10 \”I can\’t eat/I still want to eat\” The parents\’ emotions will change according to the child\’s appetite: the child loves to add more food, the parents are happy; the child can\’t eat, the parents are worried. In fact, both situations may be signs of depression. His attitude towards food reflects his attitude towards his mind. Refusal or excessive intake of nutrients can reduce the pain of depression. If a child has no appetite for two weeks or continues to eat even though he is full, it means that he has a lot of things that he cannot digest. People with depression may lose appetite and lose weight, or they may overeat and become obese. When a child keeps saying this, parents may wish to observe his weight and eating habits. Has there been a big change in the past two weeks? If so, you should communicate with your child in time to help him gain insight into his inner depression. Finally: Regarding depression, psychologist Klein has a point of view: Human beings will all go through a stage of depression when they are born. Therefore, depression has always existed in people\’s hearts. Every child will \”relive\” depression as he grows up. In some cases, it is more serious and will worsen into a disease. In most cases, children with depression and mild depression will disappear on their own as long as the family is tolerant and accepting enough. If children have moderate or severe depression, they need to take medication as prescribed by the doctor because severe depression relapses. The rate is very high and it is unrealistic to expect it to disappear on its own. Therefore, parents need to be discerning. If your child has behaved abnormally recently and always says one or more of the 10 sentences above, don’t ignore the child’s “distress signal” and seek help from professionals in a timely manner. As medical methods gradually develop, the recurrence rate of depression is getting lower and lower. When children first show symptoms, if they are treated in time, they will produce \”antibodies\” in the future, and their tolerance to depression will be higher than that of their peers, thus allowing them to grow better. Be more confident and stronger. No.2 The second section \”Resilience to Frustration\” is about \”Resistance to Frustration\” children\’s resilience and self-esteem. Our society is in great need of \”self-esteem education\”. 1 Pay attention to the child\’s family background and overall environment, rather than just distinguishing between yes or no. First, let me show you a picture. As you look at it, everyone thinks: \”Is it less likely to get sick if you build muscles? Some friends think it is irrelevant. , whether you are sick may be related to the immune system, and may not have anything to do with muscles. However, some friends will think that people who exercise regularly are in good health, and of course they will not get sick. In fact, everyone’s view is correct. But if you really go If we do scientific research and compare a person\’s muscle content with the number of times he gets sick in a year, I believe we will see an inverse ratio, that is, the more muscular or more muscle mass, the fewer times he gets sick. Although it is an inverse relationship, is it a direct relationship? Maybe not, there are many factors behind it. It may be because in order to build muscles, you must pay attention to your diet and not eat too greasy, and your physique will be affected accordingly. Better resistance, less likely to get sick. Next, I will share a very classic experiment in the education field – the marshmallow experiment. From 1966 to 19In the early 1970s, Dr. Walter Mischel of Stanford University conducted a series of psychological experiments on self-control in kindergartens. The research subjects were children around 4 years old. They found hundreds of children for experiments. The researcher said to the children: \”I will give you a marshmallow that you like to eat now. I will go out for a while. If you can wait until I come back to eat, I will give you another one. If you eat it now, you will Only this one.\” It was found that only 1/3 of the children could wait about 15-20 minutes for the researcher to come back before eating. What is really interesting is that when they followed up many years later, they found that all the children who waited for the researchers to come back generally had better grades and popularity, were more confident, and had a higher level of education when they grew up, and they were more likely to complete the tasks Various life plans, even their bodies have lower body fat. Delaying gratification is a very important ability. Many psychological experiments have also found that children with the ability to delay gratification generally have higher future achievements. This single factor has been magnified infinitely. Many people in the education field believe that we need to train children to delay gratification. But is it really the most crucial thing? Frankly speaking, this is similar to the first question. There are many factors behind whether a person can have a successful and happy life. Dr. Walter Mischel also believes that we need to look at the methods children use to resist temptation, and we cannot just focus on whether they can resist temptation. He found that children who resisted temptation used different techniques to help distract them, such as singing to themselves, or soothing themselves by saying, \”You\’ll have more candy if you wait a little longer.\” This can Extended to the question of \”how to improve children\’s resistance to frustration\”. Many parents may think that I need to use a system or a method to train my child, to systematically let him suffer setbacks and improve his resistance to frustration. I can’t say it’s not good, but it only works for some children. What we should pay attention to is the overall environment in which the child lives. 2 Three true stories to prevent us from reversing cause and effect. Life is full of tests and setbacks. Where do setbacks come from? Let me share with you three real cases to see what setbacks different children encountered. The protagonist of the first case is a middle school boy. His family background is quite good. He has been surrounded by nannies and drivers since he was a child. He also hired a tutor and has a full schedule every day. He has very little time to see his parents every day, and his personality is relatively introverted. He likes to study things by himself. He is quite smart and does good homework. But maybe because of his introversion, he was ostracized by some classmates in school. Although it was not to the extent of being bullied, at least he was not a particularly popular person. One day, a student who was not very diligent asked him questions secretly during the exam. Although he did not want to pay attention to this person, both of them were caught by the teacher and both of them were punished. Later, the school invited the boy\’s parents to the principal\’s office, and the matter was resolved after the parents communicated with the school. But the parents were very dissatisfied with the boy and said to him: \”We work so hard outside, we just hope you canIt’s enough to take care of yourself. Aren’t the resources we give you enough? Why do you want to make trouble for yourself? \”After that, the boy became more introverted. Later, he became obsessed with a video game, and would even skip school all day and play games in an Internet cafe. Until one day, his teacher contacted his family and said that the child had Only when she stopped coming to school did her parents realize the seriousness of the problem. The protagonist of the second case is a girl. Her parents are very knowledgeable and know how to cultivate her. She is the apple of her parents\’ eye, she is beautiful, and she has an endless future. . But in high school, she fell in love, and the boy who chased her was far behind her in appearance, talent, or homework. The originally well-behaved girl changed into a different person, and began to rebel against her family, refusing to accept hard or soft advice. Third The protagonist of this case is a primary school student. He has had an obvious tendency to be active and impulsive since he was a child. His parents spent a long time finding a good kindergarten. The teacher knew how to interact with him and how to guide him. It gave him a lot of help. But after entering elementary school, the teacher was stricter, and the child suddenly found that there were a lot of things he didn\’t adapt to, and because he was easily distracted, he did things very slowly. One day, his mother couldn\’t stand it anymore. , and said: \”Why are you such a slow turtle? Then the child said: \”Mom, why do you call me the same nickname as the teacher calls me?\” \”At this time, the mother realized that his teacher had given him such a nickname. These three cases show that it is really difficult to find children\’s frustration points. Many of the frustrations we see are not just a point, but often a line. , it happens when several things happen together, thus becoming a whole \”face\” or \”body\” in life. This may be the frustration that children encounter. For example: In the first example, What is the child\’s frustration point? Is it not going to school? Is it video games? Or is it the \”cheating\” he was caught that time? Or maybe he lacks some real care from his parents since he was a child, and lacks a person who can make him An environment to express emotions. Let’s look at the third case again. What is the child’s frustration point? Maybe we say that he has a congenital tendency to be hyperactive, and he met a less experienced teacher and gave him a nickname, A label is attached. Once such a label is set, it may be very difficult to tear off. For many setbacks we have seen, it may not be a \”cause\” but a \”result\”. In the second case, I think this setback may be Parents. We spent so much effort to cultivate such an outstanding daughter, but she actually chose such a boy. 3 Don’t always hit your children, try to strengthen the \”protective factors\”. Here, share with you a \”risk and The \”Protective Factors\” list contains many factors, but it is not absolutely complete, nor is it arranged in a certain order. When we talk about resilience, we must look at the entire system, including school, family, and the environment in which the child Various environments, including his own inner environment. Risk factors refer to the fact that if a child has these experiences or thoughts in his life or in his heart, he will make mistakes when he encounters any big changes or bad encounters in the future.The possibility will be relatively high. Protective factors mean that if these elements are present, when a child encounters a setback or crisis, he is more likely to be able to survive it safely. This protective factor can even prevent some risk factors from taking effect. I want to emphasize that there are many factors that we cannot change, such as an inherent risk factor – a child\’s body shape is different from normal, that is, he is born particularly fat or thin, which will cause the child to enter the developmental period early. Research shows that this is a considerable risk factor, and this kind of psychological problem cannot be easily changed by parents. What we can do is: try to strengthen children’s protective factors. For example, your child has a very good relationship with a certain teacher, and a certain teacher likes him very much. As a parent, you can establish a relationship with this teacher and let the teacher become the hub of communication. When you are unable to communicate with your child, at least there is another person. People can communicate with him. If you find an opportunity for your child to do some community service, get your child involved. According to our research, this is a great way to develop your personality and build confidence and self-esteem. I would like to remind everyone that if you find that your child already has considerable internal and external risks, it may be counterproductive for parents to undermine his self-confidence at this time. You can\’t be sure what the child\’s psychological level is like. He may already have a little low self-confidence and is in an unstable period. Frustration has many different facets, it can be internal or external, and many setbacks don’t even look like setbacks on the surface. For example, if a child moves to a completely different environment, such a transition can also be a challenge for the child. If he does not have enough adaptability, is it not a setback point? The first thing we need to know is that change is the biggest challenge and the beginning of all setbacks, but \”crisis can actually be a turning point.\” 4 Six Aspects to Establish Children’s “Personality Triangle” So how to cultivate children’s resilience? What we have made clear is that it is not a single point of ability, but a whole. It may be a positive effect caused by the combination of external and internal factors. I believe that in order to cultivate children\’s emotional resilience and resistance to frustration, we should think comprehensively. Paying attention to the \”personality triangle\” is a way to improve children\’s resistance to frustration. \”Reducing risk factors\”, \”strengthening protective factors\” and \”improving self-esteem\” form a triangular solution. Regarding \”reducing risk factors\”, as mentioned before, not every risk factor can be reduced, or needs to be reduced. At this time, you can strengthen the protective factors and try to cultivate these protective factors. And in the middle of the triangle is what I think is most important: improving self-esteem. The word \”self-esteem\” is very interesting, and different people have different opinions. Some people think it is self-confidence, some people think it is a strong self-awareness when encountering setbacks, and some people think it is that when you go to the guillotine, you can still walk up with your head held high, which can be regarded as self-esteem. The definition of self-esteem that I personally agree with comes from the definition of \”desire\”. Dr. Donna Hicks, a psychologist who specializes in adolescent self-esteem, said: \”We all have a deep human desire., that is to be regarded as a valuable life, we all long to be seen, to be heard, to be recognized and understood in the world. \”This is the wonderful thing about self-esteem. Self-esteem is also two-way. Because when a person has been seen, heard, treated fairly, recognized, and understood, he also understands better that this is the self-esteem that everyone should have. rights. When you have such a cognition and belief, you also have a high degree of self-esteem. The essence of such self-esteem is empathy. Self-esteem is the most basic psychological human right. There are many night markets in Taiwan, and every You will see a very sad scene every time. Some beggars are lying on the ground with severed hands and feet, kowtowing there all the time, saying: \”Please, please help me.\” He basically puts himself to death. In an undignified position. Relatively speaking, when I was last in Tokyo, I saw many neat tents in the park, and my friend told me: \”There are homeless people here. \”These tramps are not like tramps at all. They take care of themselves very decently and try to maintain a bit of self-respect as human beings. In different cultures, self-esteem displays differently. \”Self-esteem\” is very important in our world. In the \”Iron Triangle of Personality\”, there are many external/internal protection/risk factors, but what can ultimately support a person out of trouble is a person\’s \”self-esteem.\” He must know how to care for himself and understand that he is valuable. We must have this understanding, and we must also know that everyone has value and needs to be affirmed. This understanding of \”self-esteem\” can support his empathy and help him resist all kinds of obstacles. Frustration. So how to cultivate \”self-esteem\”? I personally highly recommend it and hope that our society can develop a set of \”self-esteem education\” in the future. In \”self-esteem education\”, children should know that everyone should have self-esteem. ; Also let them know that everyone should be treated fairly. Self-esteem allows children to understand self-respect and make decisions worthy of themselves because of self-respect; self-esteem allows children to know that they have ways to change the status quo; self-esteem also allows children to accept Our own imperfections. In self-esteem education, we try to discover children’s character strengths, give them affirmation, and use character strengths as seeds to cultivate their self-esteem and self-respect. A child who knows self-esteem will know how to fight for himself. He Maybe after listening to your gushing, he will say, \”Can I talk?\” \”This is not to resist you, he still listens to what you have to say. If our society has more self-esteem education, maybe one day, a businessman will have the opportunity to make a lot of money, but he knows that doing so will hurt tens of thousands of innocent people. As a child, he could tell himself, \”No matter how much the money is, I can\’t do such a shameful thing, because I have self-respect, and I also know that everyone has self-esteem, and every life is valuable. \”Finally: Frustration is not just a point, it is not a single thing, and frustration resistance is not just a single force. So when we want to cultivate children\’s frustration resistance, we must cultivate it from multiple aspects. We It is necessary to reduce risk factors, improve protective factors, and cultivate children\’s self-esteem. 103 Kinds of Children\’s GamesThe Educational Role of Play: American Students’ Game and Quality Training Manual to Cultivate Children’s Cooperation, Self-Esteem, Communication, and Emotional Intelligence PDF We still have a long way to go regarding the cultivation of children’s resilience and the “self-esteem education” of the entire society.