How to develop resilience and self-control in your children

As we all know, IQ is very important to a person\’s academic and career success. There is no doubt about it. But this is only a major premise. No matter how smart a child is, if he can\’t sit still when doing things or listening to classes, cannot listen to the instructions of his parents and teachers, and does things carelessly and only dabbles, no matter how smart he is, his grades will not continue to improve, let alone his career. . Therefore, in addition to intelligence, strong resilience and self-control are also necessary for anyone\’s academic success as well as career success. Resilience and self-control are important human qualities. Part of them comes from nature, and part of them comes from nurture. The specific proportion of each is different for everyone. They have one thing in common. The younger they are, the better they are to be cultivated. The older they are, the more difficult it is to cultivate them. However, I carefully observed Qian Xiaoneng in recent years and found that even when children are older, they can still develop stronger resilience and self-control. If you think about it carefully, there are two important factors: parents\’ high-quality response to their children and their own role model. Let me talk about it today – how to develop strong resilience in children. Resilience is actually a physics concept, which refers to the ability of a material to absorb energy during plastic deformation and rupture. The better the toughness, the less likely brittle fracture will occur. The stronger a child\’s resilience in doing things and learning, the stronger his ability to resist setbacks will be and he will not be easily intimidated by difficulties in learning and life. Watch the full version of the 23-episode Harvard Open Course Positive Psychology documentary online. This first requires parents to be good at observing their children, identifying the dominant temperament of each child, and applying different influences according to the temperament, so that the effect will be twice the result with half the effort. Education is difficult, the difficulty lies in how to find a suitable educational solution for this child. For example, our Qian Xiaoya and Qian Xiaoneng behaved very differently when they were playing with building blocks when they were young. Facing a pile of blocks, Qian Xiaoya could keep her eyes on the drawings and blocks, thinking of ways to do it. No one could try to pull her away until she was perfect. Qian Xiaoneng is different. Only when faced with these Lego building blocks – carpooling, airplanes, and motorcycles can he insist on completing them before doing anything else. Ordinary building blocks, even if he is working hard, even if the trafficker is shouting downstairs. , he also wanted to climb to the window and take a look. When they were children, they were running in the garden of the community. I said that after running 10 laps before resting, Qian Xiaoya would be able to finish the run perfectly. When Qian Xiaoneng got tired, he would immediately lean on a tree and pretend to be dead. In psychology, children\’s temperament types are divided into the following types: 1) Easy type. This type of children has a rhythmic life, is born with resilience and self-control, and can easily adapt to changes in the environment. The legendary angel baby. 2) Slow type. Such children have low activity levels, are lazy, have mild and negative emotions, are slow to adapt to the environment, and may have withdrawal reactions. 3) Difficult type. The characteristics of this type of children are lack of rhythm in life, difficulty in setting ambitious goals, difficulty in adapting to new environments, lack of resilience and self-control, many needs, and strong emotional reactions. Of course this is a rough statement. However, it can still be seen at a glance that when he was a child, Qian Xiaoya was an easy child and Qian Xiaoneng was a difficult child. What is easier to see is that Qian Xiaoya is born a goal-oriented child. This kind of child is very thoughtful and judgmental, and has great willpower, resistance to pressure, and self-discipline in his actions.Strong, once you have a goal in learning, you don\’t need parents and teachers to supervise and supervise you. Qian Xiaoneng\’s nature is the same as my mother\’s when she was a teenager. She is a happy-go-lucky child. She is optimistic and easy-going by nature, and likes to enjoy life. She doesn\’t have goals in life and study, and if she has goals, she doesn\’t stick to them for too long. However, I found that I am now very different from the person I was as a teenager, and Qian Xiaoneng is also very different from the previous years. My resilience and self-control have been greatly improved. Thinking about it carefully, I, as a mother, did something right in a few aspects. Appreciate and guide timely and concretely. I first observed that although every child wants to be recognized by his parents, compared with easy children, difficult children or optimistic and lazy children are more eager to be recognized by those who value them than other types of children. And praise, sincere and specific praise and affirmation from relatives, friends and teachers are more likely to be internalized into his self-identity, and this sense of identity will inject strong motivation into their life and learning. In life, I really deliberately seize every opportunity to express my love and affirmation to Xiao Neng. There are many examples of this. For example, Qian Xiaoneng finished reading the book \”You Be Like a Bird Flying to Your Mountain\” (I thought he couldn\’t finish it). I said to him very proudly and sincerely: \”Son, teenagers of your age , it is really not easy to read this kind of autobiographical inspirational novel from beginning to end and have such deep feelings. Many children cannot do it. Seriously, after reading the whole book, do you feel that your self-esteem has been greatly improved? , I feel very powerful?\” Think about Qian Xiaoneng\’s reaction after hearing this. I have said before that I think twice before talking to my child. I have to consider his brain, emotion and cognitive level, how to say praise, how to stack up barriers, how to seamlessly combine the child\’s personality with the direction I want to guide, It’s all about using your brain. This is what is called being close to the child\’s heart! I took the chicken blood in time because I have had a deep introspection and understanding of myself since childhood, the love and expectations of my parents, the praise and affirmation of my teachers, especially the \”chicken blood\” of my parents and teachers who painted a picture of the future for me. Those teenagers should The words about what kind of life I should lead, the material rewards and spiritual incentives for drawing cakes, in my opinion, are all precious chicken blood. When I was lazy and depressed, I mustered up the courage to climb up again and again. Therefore, I am also very good at giving Qian Xiaoneng blood. ——Every once in a while, based on Qian Xiaoneng’s current performance, I will carefully write him an inspirational message. These words are short and powerful, but give people strength. ——I will pay attention to those short articles written specifically for teenagers, excerpt them and send them to Qian Xiaoneng. I will not urge him to read, let alone force him to read, but as long as he opens it, he will draw energy from them. ——Care about your child\’s learning status, ask him specifically about his learning anxiety and small goals, cheer him up on his subject weaknesses, be proud of his subject strengths, rejoice for every achievement he achieves, and even more for his efforts. Thumbs up. Add some pressure in time. For example, when his composition reaches the level of Category 2 papers, tell him that he has great potential and encourage him to work hard for Category 1 papers; once he understands the math unit, can he consolidate it in time and become proficient?Woolen cloth. When he reaches the set goal, enjoy the sense of accomplishment with him, strengthen the happiness brought by the achievement, and let the sense of accomplishment become a catalyst for the next step of effort. In addition to the above, parents\’ role modeling is also very important in developing children\’s strong resilience. It can be said that Dad Qian and I both have jobs or careers that we love, and we are not the kind of hard-working men who forget about food and sleep, light the lamp and boil oil, but we do not lack the persistence and perseverance in doing things. Dad Qian’s career often encounters various challenges, but it rarely has big ups and downs and always moves forward slowly and continuously. Over the years, he has seldom worked as hard as some entrepreneurs, forgetting food, sleep, and life, but he can concentrate on his work every day, leading his employees to build bridges when encountering water, and calmly move forward to achieve his goals. . As for me, reading and writing articles are my basic daily routine. If there is any temporary interruption, I will go all out to do that thing well, and then quickly get back to the original track. These are the power of resilience that can be seen with the naked eye. You can’t see anything in a day, two days or even a few months. But over the past year, when we talked about our experiences with Qian Xiaoneng at the dinner table, we would emphasize that we should never give up every day. The sense of gain that comes with moving forward every day is truly gratifying. This is penetration. You see, Qian Xiaoneng, a child who often dabbled in things when he was a child, is now becoming more and more resilient in his studies. Take learning mathematics as an example. Mathematics has been a weakness since junior high school, but he never gave up at any time. When he couldn\’t understand something in class, he would think of many ways, ask the teacher, search on the Internet, ask his sister for advice, think deeply, and forget about everything he gained every time. For example, he uses the software Baicizhan to learn English words. Sometimes he forgets to recite them for a few days, but he can always return to this long-term task. All in all, he persists. Therefore, resilience does not automatically strengthen with age, but must be developed slowly in the specific process of completing challenges one at a time. Although every child has a different nature, there is potential in their rationality, resilience, and self-control. These possibilities are seeds that, if given the right conditions, will grow well; without these conditions, most will suffocate and perish. Education is indeed a very complex and ambitious systemic issue, but the key to everything being unified lies in adequate and high-quality responses and good examples from parents. This is the right condition for seeds to germinate.