How to educate a child who talks back?

When your child talks back, what is your first reaction? Angry from embarrassment, hating iron but not steel, blushing and thick-necked? There is a video online of a conversation between a father and his son, and the father’s reaction lit up. A father guides his children to use their brains to communicate and make it clear who is responsible. The tone is very gentle, and what\’s even more rare is that every sentence makes sense. The eldest son threw a \”trick\”: I think the mother is wrong in this matter. He looked at his younger brother with his little eyes, motioning for him to help. The younger son responded: \”Yes, I also think it\’s mom\’s fault!\” The father responded: Homework is your business, not mom\’s, so why should you blame others? You are a man, can\’t you do your own thing well? Seeing that it was useless to blame others, the eldest son started to find fault with his mother again: but her tone was very bad. The younger son helped: Yes, some words are very hurtful. Dad went on to explain: You just have to do your own things well. Things have causes and consequences. And girls are more emotional to begin with. If you do things well, why would she talk about you? In the end, the two children were convinced and apologized obediently. This video went viral on WeChat Moments, and some people clapped and praised: My father’s communication method is great, and he solved the problem without showing any signs of it! Others praised: The child\’s speech is clear and logical, and he is very independent. The parents teach him well! As the saying goes, if you don\’t belong to the same family, you don\’t belong to the same family. The father is good at communication, and even if the child talks back, it will be at a higher level. A study from the University of Virginia proved that children who often \”quarrel\” with their parents at home are more able to deal with communication differences at school. If parents could understand more about parent-child psychology, they would find that it is not necessarily wrong for their children to talk back. Timely handling can improve children\’s communication skills; handling properly can also bring positive effects to parent-child relationships and children\’s education. The child refuses to obey because he is \”growing up\” and has become a parent. Hearing these words makes his heart tremble: Mom, please go away; Mom, I don\’t like you; Mom, you are too annoying; Mom, I don\’t want this; Mom, please don\’t Keep an eye on me… My best friend\’s 5-year-old child calls her best friend by her full name every time she loses her temper: Liu Li, go away! When a well-behaved child suddenly rebels, parents will inevitably panic and think about all sorts of things: Why did the child talk back? Is my education method wrong? The book \”Pet Parent Effectiveness Training\” says: It is not important what the child said, what is important is what he wants to express. I went to a colleague\’s house for dinner. My colleague brought some food to his child, but the child said, \”I won\’t eat it.\” Even if you put it in a bowl, you can still eat it with gusto. My colleague\’s mother-in-law asked her to eat vegetables, but the child didn\’t talk back, but deliberately went against her and chose meat to eat. After chatting after dinner, I discovered that in the eyes of my colleagues and my mother-in-law, the child is almost like two people: my colleague said that the child is a little adult who knows what he should do; but my mother-in-law thinks that the child is an unruly bear who needs to be taken care of. The mother-in-law and daughter-in-law often have disputes because of different impressions. But I know that when a child talks back, my mother-in-law always likes to say: Shut up! What my colleague thought was: let the child finish speaking first. The two communication methods create the \”two faces\” of the child. This process can be explained from developmental psychology: conflict between parents and children is inevitable because the child\’s self-awareness needs to grow. The latest and most popular news on the entire network in 2023Complete [Kindergarten, Junior High and High School] catalog of high-quality VIP courses from famous teachers in various disciplines, click to view now! When a child no longer says \”Niu Niu wants to drink water\”, but says \”I want to drink water\”. He began to realize that he was different from his parents. When children talk back, they are trying to express their opinions about the world. He needs to feel valued, respected, and accepted by saying \”no.\” Therefore, the education method of colleagues is more effective than that of mother-in-law. Because she allows the child to express—a sense of self. Parents have not faced the truth: their children are becoming stronger, and single command communication can no longer convince them, and they still use \”no resistance\” to block their children. In order to emphasize the value of their existence, children become more and more intense, paranoid, and competitive. Do you understand what the child is saying? There are two types of listening, effective listening and ineffective listening: Ineffective listening means that the left ear goes in and the right ear goes out, holding the mobile phone and nodding \”hmm\”, not listening to what people are saying; effective listening means giving feedback after listening, which makes people I felt like I heard it in my heart. Speakers lose their temper often because the other person does not \”listen well\”. In \”Family with Children\”, Liu Xing is a child who loves to talk back and always says: I don\’t accept it! I protest! I reject! My mother, Liu Mei, was always very angry and would start quarrels whenever she disagreed. Stepfather Xia Donghai always listens to what his children have to say and then sums it up: You want to buy shoes, but your mother won’t let you. You\’re angry, is that what you mean? So no matter how much Liu Xing said something, as long as Xia Donghai spoke, he would quickly quiet down. When listening, repeating the key points of what others have said is called \”feedback.\” This allows children to feel seen, understood, and listened to effectively. For example, a child says: Stay away from me! I feel annoyed! Bad mood! Want to explode! Parent feedback: Well, you want to say that you are very irritable and can\’t calm down right now, right? The child suddenly realized: It turns out that my current mood is called \”irritable\”. Parents often give feedback so that children know how to express themselves and have strong communication skills. So, if your child always refuses to listen to what you say, you might as well reflect on this: Is there something wrong with listening? Have you never given feedback to your children? Is it because the children think their parents don’t understand, so they repeat it over and over again? On the surface, talking back is a problem of whether children are listening or not; behind the scenes, it is actually a problem of \”parents not listening well enough.\” Therefore, parents who are good at listening like to use some words. For example: This sounds like… You seem to want to express… I think what you mean is… Parents\’ expressions will teach their children how to express Cui Cui, a post-85 entrepreneurial mother, told an interesting story: One day, she was I was busy working, and my 3-year-old child was making a lot of noise next to me. She was so stressed that she suddenly yelled at the child: Shut up! I thought the child would cry, but unexpectedly the child said calmly: I\’m not your employee, why are you yelling at me? Cui Cui couldn\’t laugh or cry: Why is the child so rational? Later, I thought about it, thanks to the communication pattern between the two: Cui Cui loves to reason with his children and rarely loses his temper with them. Many children will sulk, talk back, and cry when their parents scold them. We think children are born this way, but they are not. As the psychologist Winnicott said: ChildrenIt is a mirror that will honestly reflect what your parents look like. Children\’s emotions imitate their parents. In daily communication, parents express bad emotions more than convey information; children only lose temper when expressing themselves and cannot speak well. I was visiting the supermarket two days ago when a 2-year-old boy bit into a box of candy and scattered the candies all over the floor. When the parents saw it, they first lowered their heads to pick up candies, and then scolded their children: Look at the good things you did! From beginning to end, I never heard parents explain to their children: Where did you go wrong? The child cries because he doesn\’t know what else to do besides crying. This is a typical example of ineffective communication: parents fail to explain clearly and just vent their emotions. So what does effective communication look like? Psychological counseling is defined like this: being able to use the other person’s words to persuade the other person. What does that mean? To give an interesting example: A friend who is over 40 years old has begun to learn Chinese speaking skills and wants to teach his children by words and deeds. His motivation is: as the child grows up, the more he feels that talking to him is like talking to the inner self. In order to win, he often gets emotional, nags, accuses, and complains… The children don\’t like to hear it, and become more and more silent, resistant, and escaping. In order to reverse the situation, he learned word by word how to \”make the children listen.\” For example, if a child wants to play games for a while and then do homework, he wants the child to do homework first. He will communicate like this: first, ask the children for their opinions; then, give content and emotional feedback; finally, express the conclusion. For example, in this conversation example: the first sentence he said was: I saw you were playing games with your homework next to you. You want to relax first, right? The child said: Yes, I can’t get excited now. He said: I think playing games is more exciting for you now than doing homework. The child said: It’s just that the teacher was dragging the class today and he was very annoyed. I didn’t want to do my homework at all. He said: It sounds like the teacher\’s procrastination in class has made you very irritable. Can you vent your emotions by not doing homework? The child said: That\’s it. He said: I think you must not feel very good. Relaxation is really important. But I hope you also pay attention to homework. When you feel better, just finish your own thing, okay? The child readily agreed, and after a while he threw away the game console and went into the house to do his homework. When children talk back, we should remember these words. When children talk back, we first think in our hearts: Is the child interested in what I say? When your child is rebellious, think about it: Do I really understand my child’s current state? For effective communication, methods are very important. As long as you find the right method and your child is willing to talk to you, you will have a chance to reach an agreement. When your child talks back, you can remember these three sentences: The first sentence is: I know you are very angry now, can we talk after you calm down? The second sentence is: I hope you say \”I\’m unhappy\” when you are angry, instead of \”I hate mom.\” The third sentence is: What do you want, do you want this, or do you want that? Finally, here are six guidelines for parent-child communication: If you don’t understand what your child wants to express, use more content feedback; if you don’t understand your child’s feelings at the moment, use more emotional feedback; if your child talks back more often, do more effective listening; if your child is listening more and more recently, If the child is silent, use more effective communication; if the child cannot express what he means, use more words when communicating; if the child is out of control, use wordsLet him calm down first. Take advantage of the time you spend together day and night, and take advantage of the opportunity for parent-child communication. Turn every communication into an enhancement of the parent-child relationship and contribute to the child\’s life. Give your children more space and give yourself more space, and the world will become broader. Don’t forget to [Like] at the end of the article and [Forward] the article to more parents.