How to educate children about frustrations

As parents, on the one hand, we protect our children from the wind and rain, worrying that they will be disadvantaged and injured in the future; on the other hand, we are afraid that we will raise a child who cannot withstand the storm. Cultivating children\’s ability to resist setbacks is a natural process. It does not require parents to deliberately create setbacks. Children only need to explore in real life to gradually build a strong heart. Unfortunately, many times, parents’ inadvertent behavior makes children vulnerable, especially the following four things. 1. Use excessive praise to build children’s false self-perception. Young parents often grow up in the persecution education of the previous generation. After having children, they never stingyly praise their children as if to compensate for their own childhood. But unfortunately, many adults do not praise their \”ideas\”. A complete collection of inspirational stories from Chinese and foreign celebrities who cultivated their children to be diligent and strong PDF [color picture 29.7MB] Many parents unconditionally praise their children, no matter what their children do, they always praise: \”Baby is awesome!\”, \”You are so smart\” !\” This makes the child\’s sense of self-worth based entirely on the evaluation of others, forming an incorrect and unclear self-perception. After a certain failure, the heart of glass begins. The host Jin Xing once shared the story of a friend on the show: her friend used excessive praise to educate her children. She often said to her children: \”You are the best, you are my mother\’s pride!\” Once, the child participated in I was full of confidence in the calligraphy competition organized by the school, but after the winners were announced, I didn\’t even win the excellence award. The child couldn\’t bear it: \”Am I not the best? Why didn\’t I win the prize?\” So he went to the teacher angrily to argue and tore his work into pieces. This story is worth pondering for parents. There is no doubt that children need praise, but praise is not just about saying nice things. If praise is not given realistically, it is easy for children to establish a false self-understanding, lose the ability to view themselves rationally, and take \”failure\” very seriously when encountering setbacks, creating a sense of failure and powerlessness. Too much praise can be a disservice. The praise a child hears is always exaggerated. When he realizes his ordinaryness and ordinaryness, it is a very painful process. The higher you lift your child, the harder he will fall. Therefore, when praising children, adults should also be sincere, tell the details and process of what the children have done well, and refuse to generalize or exaggerate. 2. Overly sensitive response mode digests all kinds of anxieties on behalf of the children. Many parents are quick to comfort their children, and provide excessive help and love, quietly depriving their children of their right to grow up. The building block house we built fell over, and before the child burst into tears, we helped him stand up again; the child quarreled with his friends, and we immediately stepped forward to help him resolve the conflict; the child couldn\’t open the box, and we hurried over to help him. , not even a minute of thinking was left to him… This kind of excessive attention caused the children to miss the opportunity to overcome setbacks. They were increasingly unaccustomed to the pain of failure, because what was in front of them was always good. the result of. American psychologist Lori Gottlieb once published an article titled \”How to Successfully Send Children to Psychotherapy Rooms\” in \”The Atlantic Monthly\”Chapter, she gave a typical example: \”Some parents asked teachers not to use red pens to make corrections, because the parents felt that seeing so many red marks on the page would make their children feel bad.\” In fact, parents regard their children\’s self-esteem as a The nominal narcissism may just maintain the child\’s low self-esteem. If children can\’t experience painful feelings, they won\’t be able to develop a certain amount of psychological resilience. The growth of every child is inseparable from a lot of trial and error. In these small things, experiencing various emotions, observing and choosing the best strategy, by completing this series of processes, the child will explore the boundaries of his own abilities. , establish correct self-understanding. For example, if a child falls while running in the park, she will immediately experience the irritability of accidentally falling, accompanied by some physical discomfort. After a while, this feeling disappears, and she will Can get up on his own and continue playing. This is a process of self-learning. The child finally overcomes this uncomfortable feeling on his own. This is the child gradually developing his own psychological adjustment ability. If at this time, the parent immediately rushes over to pick up the child and comfort him quickly, the child\’s subsequent feelings will be ruined. This kind of quick help and response continues throughout the child\’s childhood. When the child grows up, when he encounters other uncomfortable feelings, he may not be able to successfully resolve them on his own, and will develop what we often call a \”glass heart.\” . 3. Use the behavior of \”doing for you\” to imply the child\’s incompetence. Paul Stoltz, the founder of the adverse quotient theory, mentioned in the book \”Adverse Quotient: How We Cope with Bad Events\” that adverse quotient is composed of four dimensions: Control (Sense of control), Ownership (responsibility), Reach (influence), Endurance (sustainability). Among them, a very important point is the sense of control. Children with a weak sense of control often have negative thoughts when looking at problems: I can\’t do it, this is impossible, this is beyond my ability… The prerequisite for having a strong sense of control is the belief that \”anything can be done\” \”\” is what children say: \”I can do it.\” This kind of self-confidence is gradually built up when children successfully accomplish one thing. If a child encounters difficulties, his first reaction is \”I can\’t do it.\” To a large extent, it is related to the excessive work of parents. Whether it is the elderly or parents, sometimes they are reluctant to let their children try real life. They try their best to do everything for them. As long as adults are present, the chance of children completing something independently will also decrease. Opportunities to experience the frustrations of growing up, getting used to dependence, and becoming more and more fragile. The subtext of too much agency work is: \”You can\’t do anything on your own, and you can\’t do it without us.\” What it ultimately destroys is the child\’s ability and confidence to solve problems independently. When the day comes when the child needs to face problems by himself, he will Will be at a loss. Small things in life are actually opportunities to cultivate children\’s sense of control. From tying shoelaces and cleaning to learning to cook and going to school by themselves… these small challenges are all rare experiences. Parents must be willing to let their children go. Try rather than handbagmanage. When small things are done well, the child\’s sense of control is gradually established, and he will not panic when encountering difficulties. 4. Parents’ definition of success makes children lose their normal attitude towards winning and losing. Bai Yansong told such a story in the book \”Bai Shuo\”: In 2012, he participated in the entire London Olympics coverage. The most important thing about the London Olympics was That sentence is called \”influencing a generation.\” A reporter asked: \”How does sports affect a generation?\” An official of the London Olympic Organizing Committee replied: \”Sports teaches children how to win.\” \”This sentence is normal. In China, many things can teach children how to win.\” To win, but his next words moved me particularly: “At the same time, teach children how to lose gracefully and with dignity. \”This is a kind of education that Chinese people lack.\” In our education, from childhood to adulthood, parents and teachers most often emphasize success, such as how glorious it is to win a competition, what rewards are there for getting first in an exam, etc. Children are rarely told: What to do if they lose? What to do if you fail? How should we face it? Failure is an inevitable issue in children\’s lives, but we often ignore it. A class teacher once told such a small incident: There was a student in the class who was very good at spoken English. He was elected by the class for the school\’s English speech competition, but on the day of the competition, he performed abnormally and failed to place. After a while, there was another selection in the school. The teacher wanted the student to try again, but he refused to go. He became anxious and even cried: \”Teacher, I told you I can\’t do it…\” A child who cannot treat failure correctly will have avoidance and fear of difficulties when encountering problems. Failure is a reminder for children, from which they can recognize problems, find solutions, and accumulate life experience. In this sense, failure is not a kind of wealth? Balzac said: \”Suffering is a stepping stone for geniuses, a fortune for capable people, and an abyss for weak people.\” When we talk about failures and difficulties with our children, we actually want to turn these things into Be a stepping stone to your child\’s growth, not a roadblock. A good education must teach children to recognize setbacks and failures so that they will not indulge in the resulting negative emotions for a long time and give up on themselves. A high frustration quotient that is not limited by \”losing\” and can rationally see the essence of the facts and take corresponding actions is a reflection of a child\’s inner strength and is also the key to a child\’s ability to win in the future.