How to educate children during adolescence

Some time ago, I saw a fan’s post on Weibo. She said that her 17-year-old son had recently been called by teachers from various subjects to call his parents because he was tired of studying, skipped classes, and disobeyed teachers. At that moment she felt powerless. She detailed the mistakes her son had made over the years: When he was in the second grade of junior high school taking online classes, he took the opportunity to play games and recharged 12,900 yuan, but he never got it back. When I was a freshman in high school, I played games every night, slept in class during the day, and ranked second to last in my class in exams. In the first semester of high school, he got into a fight with a group of social youths and was punished by the school. He was suspended from school for three days. Because of a mobile phone, she taught her son a lesson, but he pushed her down… This fan said: Thinking of these things, I can only cry helplessly and don\’t know what to do. I have to say, this is a troublesome child. Many parents report that nine out of ten adolescent children are rebellious, and they even raise questions: Why do children become less sensible as they get older? In fact, most parents misunderstand adolescent children. Some psychologists pointed out that adolescent children cannot control their rebellion. In adolescent children, the tremendous changes their brains undergo make them feel even more anxious; the pressure caused by changes in the external environment can easily make children rebellious. Adolescent children are between \”rebellious\” and \”non-rebellious\”. What tests their parents\’ ability to \”read minds\”. If parents cannot read it, they will push their children on the path of \”rebellion\”. Children are rebellious and they themselves cannot control adolescent children. Their brains will engage in a \”rational\” and \”emotional\” battle. This is because the brains of adolescent children have strong emotional perception capabilities. Sensitivity, irritability, and impulsivity are the unique characteristics of the adolescent brain. Once there are too many external stimuli, the child\’s \”reason\” will not be able to defeat the \”emotion\”, and it is easy to lose control and is an uncontrollable behavior in adolescence. So, what are the \”uncontrollable\” behaviors of such children? 1. Children’s “emotional brains” are highly developed and prone to emotional agitation. According to brain science, adolescent children’s brains and limbic systems (emotional brains) have matured and have a strong ability to feel emotions. However, because the prefrontal cortex (rational brain) is not yet fully developed, a child\’s insight, judgment, self-perception, and ability to detect and recognize danger will not mature until around the age of 25. Therefore, most children are actually unable to control their anger and emotional impulses, and do things regardless of the consequences. 2. Adolescent children cannot relieve anxiety. New York University discovered in 2007 that the human brain releases a hormone called THP when faced with stress. The effects of this hormone on the brains of adults and children are different. THP can relieve anxiety and tension in adults, but can make adolescents more prone to anxiety. Therefore, adolescent children easily suppress themselves when faced with emotions and are unable to resolve them independently, which is why more and more people are suffering from depression. 3. The brains of adolescent children are overly sensitive. There was an experiment in psychology; researchers showed teenagers and adults the same picture of an \”expressionless person.\” After viewing, ask them to judge whether the person in the photo is benevolent or malicious. The results of the experiment found that adults think the people in the photos are quite normal.There is no kindness and no malice. But teenagers generally say: This person seems unfriendly. The adolescent brain is overly sensitive and over-interprets emotions. A little bit of hostility will cause them to rebound violently. Judging from these physiological developments, it is not that they intentionally oppose adults, but that they are unable to control themselves because their brains are not fully developed. Children\’s \”psychological weaning period\” is aversion to parental control. Psychological experts point out that adolescence is a child\’s \”psychological weaning period\”, which refers to the transition period from childishness to maturity. Children at this stage have the greatest desire: independence. At the same time, with the leap in self-awareness, their hearts will almost always shout \”I want to have the final say\”, \”I am not a child anymore\”… Every child will strongly demand the abdication of parental authority. Unfortunately, many parents still use authority to control their children and want to control everything. I saw a piece of news not long ago: a man broke down and cried because his mother pushed him to sleep. And this man is actually the father of two children! At 9 o\’clock that night, the two children were a little sleepy, and the man\’s mother kept nagging him, urging him to take the children to bed quickly. Unexpectedly, this became the last straw for him. He thought of his experiences of more than 20 years. Mother is involved in her life all the time. He had to take care of eating, sleeping, getting married, and having children… Unable to bear the control of his mother, he impulsively called the police: \”I killed my mother.\” This is how an adult resists his parents. Control, let alone adolescent children. Adolescent children desire freedom more than adults. Their greatest desire is to be allowed to grow up and make their own decisions. If parents are still in the \”I want to control him\” stage, this will cause the child to be rebellious: the stricter you control and the tighter you watch, the more intense and \”unreasonable\” the child\’s resistance will be. A writer once said: As a parent, you must control your desire to control. When a child\’s \”psychological isolation period\” arrives, parents should let him follow his natural development and be a counselor and bystander, rather than a guide. Huang Lei described his relationship with his children this way: I have never regarded her as my child, she is a thoughtful person, she has her secrets, her thoughts, and her life. She does not belong to me. We are independent individuals. I do not impose my will on her. We get along like friends. The best thing we can give our children is to be able to hold hands in a timely manner and let go of their hands in a timely manner. Understanding children\’s \”fear and rejection\” will prevent them from becoming \”bad.\” In the documentary \”How We Fight Depression\”: 14-year-old girl Ye often feels stressed and anxious because of \”little things\” in the eyes of others. She told her parents that she was sick, but they thought \”a child could be sick\” and ignored her pleas for help. Indifferent parents accelerated Ziye\’s inner anxiety and even made her prone to self-mutilation. Once, she couldn\’t find the cover of the scissors at school. She broke down and cut her finger with the scissors. She didn\’t calm down until she saw her finger bleeding. Every time she asked for help from her parents and got no response, she would self-harm. until there isOnce, when she couldn\’t bear it anymore, she threw things, slammed doors, lost her temper, and had an emotional breakdown in front of her parents. Only then did her parents realize that she was really sick. Adolescent children are sensitive and fragile, and can easily break down emotionally over trivial things. However, in the eyes of parents, the child is just making a fuss and being pretentious; when the child becomes tired and tired of studying, it is seen as wanting to be lazy and not enterprising. This feeling of being ignored will make the child feel \”fearful\”, and the rebellion derived from it is more like the child\’s accusation of \”I am not loved\”. Some psychologists mentioned that the two things children fear most during adolescence are fear and rejection. Fear of being ignored by parents, fear of social rejection, and adolescent children tend to \”ask for help\” from their parents. In fact, they are looking for a sense of security. They are very sensitive to social rejection, especially when they are with their peers, and evaluations can have a huge impact on them. At this time, their parents\’ evaluation is not what they want, so they will seek approval from their peers, and even make them willing to take high risks to cater to the people around them. For example, \”Smoking is harmful to health\”, every teenager must know it. However, when they are ignored by their parents, they are more afraid of being rejected by others, so even if they know that smoking is harmful, they will try harmful things in order to be seen by others. If parents don’t give you enough sense of security, you have to find it elsewhere. The book \”Decoding Puberty\” writes: \”When a child keeps pushing his parents, provoking his parents, and constantly doing this test, he actually just wants to see whether his parents love him or not.\” Adolescent children The biggest fear is \”not being loved\”. Therefore, when a child does something out of the ordinary, parents should be alert: Has the child encountered any problems recently, and have I not given him enough attention? For adolescent children, parents must be vigilant at any slightest disturbance, give them attention and give them a sense of security, which is the only \”decoding\” for their children to become healthy. Only by understanding a child\’s \”highly sensitive personality\” can you enter his heart. Gao Qisheng in the TV series \”Crazy\” is impressive. At first, he was synonymous with intelligence and excellence in the eyes of others. I had excellent grades when I was studying, and my ability to make money is also first-rate when I grow up. But what is depressing is that he is a person with a twisted personality, paranoid, cruel, extremely sensitive heart and low self-esteem. When his college classmates laughed at him for being poor and belittled him behind his back, he beat them up severely. Li Hongwei said that his family sold stinky fish, and he took huge risks and chased them with frozen fish… Why Is his character so violent? From a psychological point of view, this is the trait of \”high sensitivity\”: you don\’t want others to say anything bad about you, and you always care about other people\’s eyes. Studies have found that 1 in 5 people possess this trait. Especially when children are 10-14 years old, their biggest concern is: what others think of me. Children at this time: attach great importance to their own image in the eyes of others, and easily define the strength of their own self-esteem from others. Once someone questions him, it may be the last straw for him. A mother on Zhihu said: My daughter brought her friends home to play, and when everyone was having dinner together, her mother teased herShe said \”too fat\” to her daughter, which made her lose her temper. Her daughter said to her: \”Is it interesting to improve others and belittle me? Why don\’t other parents do this? You just keep talking about me! Don\’t I want face? Don\’t I feel inferior?\” To her mother, these accusations are nothing but glass. Because she felt: \”Parents can\’t even say a few words, it\’s too fussy, and the psychology is too fragile.\” \”Self-esteem\” is something that adolescent children can never ignore. He is related to the future personality direction of the child. Once someone has a bad opinion of himself, the fragile and inferior heart in his heart can surface and crush him. Therefore, in parents’ education, the most important thing is to protect their children’s self-esteem. At least parents should do this: Don’t educate their children in public, and avoid insulting and criticizing their children in public. Do not eavesdrop on your children’s phone calls or read their diaries. Don\’t turn a deaf ear to your child\’s words, listen carefully to what your child says. Only when self-esteem is protected by parents can children move towards the sunshine. Adolescent children are like a \”ticking time bomb\” that can be detonated at any time. You never know which words will ignite his anger, which actions will drive them to hysterics. Therefore, parents need to understand the hearts of adolescent children. Adolescence is the golden period for reshaping the parent-child relationship and the last period for children to adjust their education methods. Adolescent children: The concept of \”I\” is getting stronger and stronger, and they need independence and freedom to prove their personality. Sensitive and willful, he needs the seeing and understanding of his parents to support his strong beliefs. Desire to be loved, don\’t destroy his sense of security by neglecting him. Only when parents understand their hearts and connect communication channels can education play its role.