How to educate children if they are disobedient? Why not learn Huo Siyan\’s trick?

It’s only been a week since school started, and parents who are “hooling their babies” are online again: Think about it, are the following scenes very familiar: urging their children to “hurry up”, “do housework”, “go do homework” every day, it’s always a grinding They dawdle; they praise their children every day, \”You are great\” and \”You did a good job\”, and the children roll their eyes and refuse to accept this trick; they get into conflicts and repeatedly emphasize \”You are wrong\”, but the result is getting worse… These words, For example, the content and tone of the announcement at the station remain the same. No matter how many people remind you to \”don\’t forget your umbrella when you get off the bus,\” hundreds of passengers will still drop their umbrellas. I don’t know how many parents have become like “station announcers” in the eyes of their children. Once stimulation becomes monotonous, it loses its effect. I don\’t want the lion roaring in the east of the river, and my gentle words are useless. Is there any other way? Sometimes, you need a \”third party\” between you and your child. You know, in front of children, not everything has to be done in person, and not everything has to be said in person. The Huo Siyan family has always been regarded as a model family. But no matter how harmonious a family is, there are times when conflicts arise. In a recent episode of \”Mom is Superman\”, Huo Siyan was a little impatient with Uh-huh because she entertained other children, so Uh-huh lost her temper all day long. Helpless Huo Siyan apologized to Uhm, but he refused to listen no matter how hard he explained. Seeing that the conflict was about to escalate, Huo Siyan did not get angry or continue to explain, but dialed Du Jiang\’s number. She briefly described the situation to Du Jiang and said to Du Jiang: \”Tell Qilin for me that I didn\’t lose my temper. I just scared him because I was anxious. Can you tell him again?\” Du Jiang After agreeing, mom handed the phone to Uhm\’s ear. Du Jiang patiently said to Uhm: \”Qilin, mom is a little busy because there are children at home. But mom didn\’t lose her temper with you on purpose. Mom loves you the most, right? You know that, right?\” …\” After listening to his father\’s persuasion, he hummed and agreed. His grievances suddenly turned into tears and he cried, and got into his mother\’s arms. At this time, Huo Siyan apologized again, and mother and son reconciled. Huo Siyan gave up direct communication and asked for a \”third person\”, inadvertently taking advantage of the \”third person effect\” in communication studies. The \”Third Person Effect\” was first proposed by Professor Davidson of Columbia University in the United States in 1983. Simply put, persuading a person through the words of a third party is more effective than persuading directly. How convincing is the \”third person\”? Two psychologists conducted a smoking cessation experiment. They divided the subjects into two groups: one group asked lung cancer patients (clients) to persuade them to quit smoking by telling them about their pain; while the other group was led by a doctor. (The third person), based on his clinical experiment report, explained the harmful effects of smoking very objectively. The results of the experiment surprised the researchers: 35% of the people in the group persuaded by the person concerned started to quit smoking, while 70% of the people in the group persuaded by a third person decided to quit smoking. The \”third person effect\” has been widely used in life. For example, commercial advertisements will invite famous people to promote, which can often arouse customers\’ desire to buy more than direct persuasion. When the court handles disputes,, a civil mediator will be invited to mediate. In front of children, what words are suitable for a \”third person\” to say for you? What parents often say when trying to persuade me is, I’m not working hard just for you! But have the children seen the parents’ efforts? I heard a story: a rebellious little girl ran away from home after quarreling with her mother. After walking for a long time, she was tired and hungry. When she saw a noodle shop on the roadside, she found that she didn\’t have a penny with her. The old lady at the noodle shop learned of the girl\’s plight and decided not to charge her. The girl wolfed down the hot noodles and suddenly started crying. She said: \”We have never met, but you are so kind to me. But my mother actually kicked me out of the house and said that I would never go home if I could!\” After hearing this, the old lady said sincerely: \”My child, what are you doing? You think so? I just cooked a bowl of noodles for you to eat, and you are so grateful to me. Then your mother has cooked rice for you for more than ten years, why don\’t you appreciate her?\” The girl regretted and immediately replied Home. When I got home, I found that my mother was worried about her starving and was preparing to cook noodles… Family ties are often like this. If you get too close, you can\’t see each other\’s efforts clearly. Therefore, when there is a conflict, a third person stands up and can provide an objective perspective and help two people who are separated to reach a consensus. Praise: A friend’s son is very introverted. Even at the age of 10, he is still afraid of talking to strangers. My friend heard that positive encouragement is important, so he often encouraged him in different ways: You are a man, and you will be more handsome if you talk to others openly! Don\’t be afraid, son, you are the best, and your mother is always behind you cheering for you! My brother said that he likes to play with you. Can you go and play with him for a while? But there is still no improvement. Once, she asked her son to go to the grocery store downstairs to buy salt, but he reluctantly went. When checking out, the grocery store owner said, \”That\’s great. It\’s rare for a child like you to come and buy salt for the family! Your mother often praises you for your ability. It seems you are well-deserved!\” The son smiled sheepishly. , ran back home. Friends said that since then, his son often volunteered to go shopping, and he gradually became cheerful, and occasionally chatted with his boss. As for the sweet-mouthed boss? Naturally, my mother had informed the boss in advance and asked him for help. This forced drama was quite effective. Bi Shumin said: \”The progress of others deserves our joy, and let the other person feel our praise and joy without any doubt.\” The most important thing when praising children is to make them feel sincerity and appreciation. Children are actually very smart, so flattery or scruples are inevitable when talking directly. However, compliments conveyed indirectly by a \”third person\” will give them a more real and objective feeling. Speaking of Persuasion Qinglanjun has heard mothers complain more than once. It was ineffective to persuade their children to do something, but if it was the child\’s father who tried to persuade him, he succeeded immediately! The \”fat girl\” once told a story about how she persuaded her child to sleep, but she tried all kinds of tricks to no avail. As a result, the child\’s father said: \”Take out the English book and let\’s review today\’s English class.\” The child immediately Go to bed obediently. Another mother\’s child is very ignorant and lazy. One day, grandma called him over and slowly said to him:\”Child, do you know? Your mother suffered hardships when she was a child, but she was sensible. She helped me with the work of going to the fields and feeding the pigs. Now that I am old, I can\’t help her. Can you wash it with her tonight? A bowl? Just think of it as helping grandma!\” Although the child hesitated, he could not find a reason to refuse. After doing this several times, I gradually understood the hard work of my parents. Directly ordering a child to do something will often lead to dissatisfaction, but the persuasion of a \”third person\” can not only incorporate new wisdom and give the child some fresh stimulation. In addition, asking children to \”help\” by others gives them a greater sense of accomplishment than directly \”ordering\” them. Remember, don’t borrow criticism from others, let alone criticize your children in other people’s names, saying things like, “If you are willful, your aunt will scold you,” or “If you disobey, dad will beat you when he comes back.” In short, You can \”borrow flowers to offer to Buddha\”, but don\’t \”borrow a knife to kill someone.\” In terms of \”third person\”, it saves worry and effort and is effective. The question is, where is the \”third person\” who can come to the rescue at any time? The \”third person\” you need most between you and your child is your partner. In the interview, Huo Siyan explained: \”It won\’t be effective to keep arguing with him, but it is very important for a very important member of the family to reconcile conflicts.\” Du Jiang showed the timely response and care for his son. Patience, tolerance and consideration for your wife are the keys to solving the problem. Huang Shengyi in the same show is not so lucky. Not only has her husband concealed the news of her marriage and children, but she has also been \”invisible\” for many years during the raising of her children. Facing Andy, Huang Shengyi is always lonely and helpless. I tried my best to comfort my son, but he always ignored me. There is no one to speak for her, so how can we demand Huang Shengyi to be a mother like Huo Siyan? On the road to raising children, fathers and mothers are the best partners, and it should not be a relationship of \”alone\” and \”occasional support\”. At home, the father should actively be the \”third person\” between the mother and the child, and the mother should also be the \”third person\” between the father and the child. The father should say to the child: \”Mom is not angry, she is just a little anxious. Mom loves you very much.\” The mother should say to the child: \”Although dad is on a business trip, he misses you very much and wants to talk to you on video. Dad loves you very much.\” You.\” Whether we use the \”third person\” or act as the \”third person\”, the fundamental thing is to maintain the relationship between the child and the outside world and let the child feel the warmth and kindness of the people around him. The famous educator Suhomlinsky said: \”Parents are the most beloved people for their children. Only when parents respect and love each other can children feel that there is truth and virtue in the world.\” The family is a bank of emotions, and the more money is deposited, the better. The more, the more you get. Love each other, support each other, and complete each other, and the more happiness you will gain.