How to educate children who are disobedient

Picture: In Timothy\’s Bizarre Life supermarket, a two- or three-year-old child stands with his mother at the checkout counter. There are a lot of lollipops in front of the checkout counter, just within reach of the children. The child reaches out to grab the candy, and the mother takes the candy from the child\’s hand and stops him: \”No.\” The child reaches for it again, and the mother grabs it and puts it back. At this time, the \”no\” has been raised an octave. When the tug-of-war entered its third round, the child began to cry angrily. The mother hit the child\’s hand that was grabbing the candy, and the child took the mother\’s hand that was hitting him and took a bite. So, the mother grabbed the child and shook it hard, and slapped him on the butt again: \”You are a disobedient bad boy!\” Looking at the crying child, I felt mixed emotions. Why do we call children \”bad\”? Is it because he wants his favorite lollipop? No, isn\’t this the nature of children? Is it because he bit his mother back? No, wasn\’t it a natural reaction on his part to act in self-defense? Obviously, for the mother, the \”bad\” and \”disobedient\” child only lies in his failure to follow his own wishes, not in his ignorance. After all, there is a difference between being obedient and being sensible. The former focuses on obedience, while the latter focuses on communication and understanding. Parents feel relieved when their children are obedient, but what happens after they feel relieved? On weekdays, the sound of children being scolded when they disobey often lingers in my ears. When a child is young, it is necessary for him to be sensible in order to prevent him from getting into trouble. However, in order to save worry and effort, some parents use disobedience to their own instructions as the standard of \”disobedience\” to put pressure on their children. . Yes, if the children do as they are told, the parents will be relieved of their worries, but what happens after they are relieved of their worries? In fact, over time, some children will become particularly concerned about the evaluation of people around them, and gradually form a psychological model to cater to the environment, making it difficult to think of their own emotional needs and no longer willing to express their psychological appeals. And when these demands become more intense and the child does not release them, then this inner energy will run out of control, and the out-of-control energy will eventually be directed towards himself and even society. In 2010, the Jennifer incident caused a sensation in the Chinese world. Jennifer was hard-working and obedient, such a good girl who obeyed her parents, but in the end she hired three people to kill her parents… When she was a child, Jennifer was under great pressure to study and could only go to bed after 10 p.m. and had no days off on holidays, so She learned to self-harm to relieve stress. After graduating from junior high school, Jennifer began to get tired of studying because she did not receive an excellence medal. In order not to worry her parents, she pretended to continue working hard. The female classmates around her would all put on makeup, but she couldn\’t do it because she wasn\’t allowed to; she wasn\’t allowed to go out or go to her classmates\’ houses at will, let alone fall in love… Her parents imprisoned her in the cage of their own ideals, using excessive love and Build walls of protection. Jennifer did not dare to express and would not resist, and the resentment that could not be dissipated made her struggle and go crazy, and her heart became more and more divided. After hearing the news, my friend Xin recalled the past and saw the same scene: in a small cage, with hands and feet bound and unable to stretch. Xin has been a good boy in everyone\’s eyes since she was a child. She has a quiet personality and has never disobeyed her parents. When most children are in the rebellious stage, she still continues to listen to her parents without making any decisions. After graduating from college and working, I repeatedly hit the wall when I came into contact with society. I cried bitterly before I jumped out.Let’s look at herself: she is highly dependent, timid to think, and has poor autonomy… She wants to make a breakthrough, but is held back because of fear. The creation of any new business will be forced by some \”there is no other way to go\”, and it also requires a lot of adventurous spirit of \”knowing that there are tigers in the mountains and prefer to go to the tiger mountains\”. However, good children have been in a situation of being manipulated since they were young. status, and have not learned to rely on their own strength and advantages, they often lack this spirit. More than 20 years have passed since I graduated from elementary school. After calculation, only those \”unbehaved\” children who made their parents worried at that time have now taken advantage of others, and with a sense of pride that no one is afraid of, they have become A trendsetter in the business world. This method is extremely effective, but it can easily lead to the destruction of the child\’s emotional compass. \”When I was a child, I never seemed to do the right thing, because nothing I did was in line with my parents\’ wishes.\” My friend Joe confided to me. If she showed fear, she would be laughed at; if she yelled, she would be criticized for being rude; if she denied what her parents said, she would be ordered to \”Shut up!\” and if she continued to argue, she would be scolded. A sudden beating. What\’s more, Jo has to constantly apologize to her parents, even though she\’s done nothing wrong. She still remembered that when she was 7 years old, her mother gave the doll given to her by a classmate to her cousin without Joe\’s permission. When Joe learned about this, he burst into tears, which immediately earned him a \”selfish\” scolding from his mother. She was also locked in a room and could not get out until she admitted her mistake. Finally, Joe had to admit his mistake. But her mother was not willing to give up. In order to cure Joe\’s \”bad habits\”, Joe had to make up for it with work – washing the dishes, folding the clothes… Only after doing all this did her mother be willing to make a conciliatory gesture. . When she was growing up, whenever Joe was disobedient, her mother would ignore her all day long. And this is what makes Qiao most uncomfortable. She would rather admit her mistake quickly. This cold-blooded, high-pressure approach to getting children to obey worked quickly, but it led to the destruction of Joe\’s emotional compass. When she was studying, if her friends lost their temper, Qiao would feel deeply guilty; after getting married, if her husband was in a bad mood, Qiao would think that the problem was her fault… Nowadays, it is difficult for Qiao to truly find her own nature in life – what is she really like? Who is it and what does she need. She only knows what role to play in life, and she strives to please everyone except herself. In fact, the fact that your child dares to express his desires in front of you shows that he feels secure enough about you and knows that you will accept his emotions in full. This kind of unconditional love and nurturing is the basis for the formation of a child\’s healthy personality. On the contrary, when he expresses his normal emotions, what he gets in return is your reprimand, and he will gradually lose trust in his true feelings and need others to tell him how he should feel. Today, many marriage relationships are damaged, mostly because these couples cannot express their true emotions well. Among them, there are not many good girls who silently complain that they have a heavy burden and pay too much, but do not let the other party understand that they are There are also requirements. You want to use love to help your child achieve success, but you find that it hurts him even more. Almost every generation of children is required to listen to their parents. From childhood to adulthood, the biggest praise given by their parents is that they are \”good\” and \”obedient\”.\”In order to get praise, they learned to suppress their true emotions to meet their parents\’ expectations, and sacrificed their true thinking to obey their parents\’ education. Their parents used instructions to frame them into an invisible cage, and then used an invisible cage to Hands pluck their wings, but when they grow up, they blame them for not being able to take off… Perhaps their parents will never understand that they themselves are the real initiators of all this. My cousin is already in her forties and has not yet gotten married. Every time she talks on the phone, , my aunt always urged me to get married. Once, my cousin couldn\’t stand it anymore and said, \”I can figure it out myself. Her mother asked: \”Why are you so selfish?\” Have you considered our feelings? When I meet acquaintances and they ask about you, I feel embarrassed to tell them. If you are not married at this age, it will be embarrassing for you and for me! \”My cousin didn\’t know what to say for a moment. In fact, my aunt didn\’t know that my cousin, who was protected by her sternly and autocratically when she was a child, had a shy and introverted personality and found it difficult to even get close to the opposite sex as an adult. The day before yesterday, my cousin was with me A WeChat comment wrote: \”Teach your children to be sensible, don\’t force them to be obedient, obedience is not a good character trait. Living as boring as I am, I deserve not to be able to find a boyfriend today. \”I got really choked up after reading this. Today, thinking back to the pain of these familiar people, I suddenly thought that as a parent, perhaps the most unbearable pain is not the pain of damage to the skin of the child\’s body, nor is it the pain of seeing the child\’s hopes dashed. It is the third kind of pain – you want to use love to achieve your child\’s success, but in the end, you find that it hurts him more seriously.