How to get children to speak their minds? It’s too late if parents don’t master these chat skills

Let’s take a look at two sets of conversations: Conversation 1 Dad: How was school today? Xiao Ming: Not bad. Dad: Is \”fine\” good or bad? The teacher criticized you again? Xiao Ming: Oh, no! Dad: That’s great! Xiao Ming: Well, not bad. Dad: I can’t beat you with three sticks. I don’t know what you are thinking about every day! Xiao Ming: It’s nothing really. Dad, I’m going to do my homework. Dialogue 2 Mom: Come on, eat more carrots, they are rich in vitamin A! Xiao Ming: I hate eating carrots the most! Mom: Carrots are delicious, why are you annoyed! And it’s very good for your body. Don’t be picky about food. Xiao Ming: (Take two bites) Well, I’m full. In both sets of conversations, the parents had good intentions. They wanted to know about their children\’s life at school and wanted their children to eat more vegetables. However, at the end of the two groups of conversations, Xiao Ming took the initiative to end the chat with an attitude of \”if you can\’t afford to offend, you can\’t afford to hide\”. Is Xiao Ming too rebellious? I\’m afraid not necessarily. In both sets of conversations, there were big problems with the way parents chatted. what is the problem? It\’s just too purposeful. 1. When chatting with your children, please put aside your purposeful thinking. What’s wrong with having a conversation that is too purposeful? Let’s take a look at an example from real life. This is a conversation between two young men and women who have just begun to have a good relationship. Girl: What a bad luck. The computer crashed again. The document I just wrote was not saved. 55555 Guy: Why did it suddenly crash? Got a virus? Girl: I don’t know, maybe… Guy: Install XXX anti-virus software, or XX anti-virus software. Girl: Thank you, but I seem to be faking it. Guy: That means the configuration is too low. How much memory does it have? Girl: Uh, I forgot. Let\’s talk about it tomorrow, I\’m going to take a shower. Guy: Okay, bring your computer tomorrow and I will fix it for you. It’s really a chat record where people and gods are angry. The girl\’s focus was on expressing her emotions and seeking comfort, but the boy was always dominated by purposeful thinking and wanted to solve the girl\’s computer problems. The whole conversation seemed boring and boring, so the girl had to use the excuse of \”taking a shower\” to end the chat. This kind of dialogue should exist between computer users and technical customer service, not between young men and women who have a crush on each other. Purposive thinking is the thinking that has been driving human development since primitive hunting life. In primitive societies, without purposeful thinking (catching prey), humans would not be able to meet their survival needs. So this kind of thinking is accompanied by alertness and opposition (where is the prey and how to kill it). Chatting is different from making a living or hunting. Emotional communication comes first. The same is true when parents chat with their children. If the purpose is too strong, it will not only make the conversation seem to lack emotional interaction, but also put the child\’s psychology and emotions in a state of stress. For example, in \”Dialogue 1\”, the psychological activities between Dad and Xiao Ming are as follows – Dad: How was school today? (This kid looks a little weird. Did he get into trouble at school again?) Xiao Ming: It’s okay. (Alarm! Alarm! Dad is spying on the military!) Dad: Is \”fine\” a good thing or a bad thing? The teacher won\’t criticize you again, right? (Don’t try to fool me, something must be wrong!) Xiao Ming: Oh, no! (Oops, Dad is going to get mad!) Dad: That’s pretty coolOkay! (Is it really okay??) Xiao Ming: Well, it’s okay. (I really have nothing to talk to him about.) Dad: I can’t beat you with three sticks. I don’t know what you are thinking about every day! (How can you communicate with him without saying anything?) Xiao Ming: It’s really nothing. Dad, I’m going to do my homework. (Quickly withdraw…) 2. Avoid preconceived ideas and ignore the child\’s emotions. Some parents are always eager to draw conclusions when chatting with their children, or are eager to use their own opinions to deny their children\’s opinions, such as the mother in Dialogue 2, I was eager to correct the child\’s view of \”hating carrots\”, but instead of obediently eating more carrots, the child ended the conversation directly. Let’s look at another set of examples – Dialogue 3 Xiao Ming: Dad, I don’t want to learn math! Dad: Why? Xiao Ming: Mathematics is too difficult and I can’t solve many questions. Dad: You are afraid of difficulties, or you are not paying attention to the class. Xiao Ming: But I listened carefully in class and studied hard. Dad: Mathematics is very important. In the future, we will also learn physics and chemistry. Mathematics is the foundation! Xiao Ming: I know it’s important, but I just feel like I can’t learn it. Dad: That’s because you haven’t worked hard enough. You have to learn even if you can’t learn it. Do more exercises and understand every question you don’t know. How can you still learn it badly? Xiao Ming: Oh. It can be seen that Xiao Ming\’s father is actively \”guiding\” Xiao Ming. He believes that Xiao Ming does not have enough understanding of the importance of mathematics. He not only uses \”fear of difficulties\” and \”not paying attention to lectures\” to directly label and draw conclusions, but also gives \”many Do the exercises” as a “solution”. However, it’s not that children don’t know the importance of mathematics. They understand the principles of “doing more questions” and “correcting wrong questions”, but why do they still not want to do mathematics? In fact, when a child complains that he \”doesn\’t want to learn math\”, it doesn\’t mean that he really doesn\’t want to learn math. He is just venting his depressed emotions and seeking comfort. You will find that conversations with strong purpose, direct conclusions, and focus on solutions cannot make chatting into a relaxing atmosphere. Parents who chat in this way do not focus on responding. Children\’s current emotions, but focus on the future. So, what is a good way to chat? 3. What is a pleasant and relaxing way to chat? A relaxing way of chatting is to be specific rather than general, to respond to each other\’s moods and emotions rather than to solve problems as tasks. We all have this experience. When chatting with friends, we will not be as nervous as when facing customers or leaders. We will not tense up and always try to figure out the other party\’s purpose and intention. Instead, we will respond to our friends\’ emotions and tell our own stories. Feel. For example – \”Autumn has really come, and it feels so cool.\” (Current feeling) \”Yeah, this temperature reminds me of the time we went to Red Leaf Valley last year.\” (Response to the other person\’s feeling, tell and Memories that the other party has a sense of connection with) \”Haha, I remember you brought back a few red leaves to make specimens.\” (Responding to the other party\’s memories and making the conversation more specific) \”I have collected many kinds of red leaves, and there are also some from the year before last. XX picked it up…\” (be more specific and divergent) Similarly, like dialogue 1, we could have talked like this – changeAdvanced dialogue 1 Dad: Is today’s class interesting? (The topic is very specific) Xiao Ming: Not bad, the Chinese text is quite boring. (Express feelings) Dad: Some texts are not very interesting. Nature class would be better, don’t you like nature class very much? (Response to feelings) Xiao Ming: Nature class is fun. Today we talked about a lot of ways to identify directions. (Concrete) Dad: What are the methods? Dad can only look at the sun to identify the direction. (Talk about yourself, then be more specific) Xiao Ming: Dad is so stupid. You can also look at the Big Dipper at night, and you can also see which direction the tree crowns are denser. (Emotional interaction, further concrete)… You will find that by focusing on responding to the other party\’s emotions and using a moderately divergent chat method, the topic can continue endlessly, and the chat can continue, so you can learn all the information you want. It\’s a very simple matter. 4. You can’t stop chatting with your children like this… 1. Start with specific topics. The topic \”How are you at school?\” seems very abstract and general, and it is difficult for children to answer. The more specific the topic, the better. Courses, recess games, recess meals… can all be used as entry points. 2. Start talking about other people’s affairs. Children may be instinctively alert to parents directly asking about their situation, so you might as well talk to other children first, such as neighbors, classmates, etc. For example: Dad: I just saw Li Lei downstairs. He didn\’t seem too happy? (Start chatting with the child’s peers) Xiao Ming: Well, today he was criticized by the teacher when he talked to his classmates in class. Dad: It must be uncomfortable to be criticized by the teacher. No wonder he is unhappy. (Empathy) Xiao Ming: Yes, when I came back from school with him, we didn’t even say a few words. (Describe details and enter the chatting atmosphere) Dad: Have you never been criticized by the teacher? (Topic change) Xiao Ming: Well, a long time ago, Teacher Li told me once that I was careless in answering questions. Dad: Will you be sad if the teacher talks about you? (Pay attention to emotions) Xiao Ming: I felt a little bit at the time. Later, I would check it carefully after finishing the questions. 3. Don’t deny, empathize first. When your child expresses negative emotions, don\’t rush to deny it, but express your understanding first. For example, in Dialogue 2, you can actually talk like this – Improved version of Dialogue 2: Mom: Come, eat more carrots, Mom thinks they are delicious. Xiao Ming: I hate eating carrots the most! Mom: Huh? Don\’t you like the texture or the taste? (Don’t deny it, first acknowledge the child’s feelings) Xiao Ming: Taste. Mom: Mom didn’t like it too much before, but then she heard that eating more carrots is good for the eyes, so she started to eat more. (Talk about yourself, empathize) Xiao Ming: (Take a bite) Next time, put it in the stew. I think it tastes better than stir-frying like this. Mom: OK, next time I’ll make soup with your favorite ribs. 4. Just listen, don’t preach. When many parents chat with their children, they always think about \”educating\” and \”guiding\” their children, but neglect to create a good atmosphere and let the children speak their minds. In fact, being a listener makes it easier for children to express their innermost thoughts. After such a long chat, children\’s trust in their parents will be greatly improved, and they will become more and more willing to talk to their parents.