How to give children positive psychological hints

At 11 o\’clock last night, when I was almost asleep, my cousin sent a video to the family group. In the video, my cousin\’s child was lying on the floor without saying a word. There was a mess next to it. The wardrobe was overturned, the water dispenser was overturned, and clothes and books were scattered all over the floor. Those who didn\’t know it thought the house had been robbed. My cousin said something like this: \”After saying a few words about his studies, he started to get angry. He would throw things when he was angry. His temper was so bad. It was not easy for me to raise a child alone. I really don\’t know what evil he had done. .\” My uncle looked at him and said, \”What happened to our good student? Is he in his rebellious stage? Just give him a spanking.\” My cousin replied helplessly: \”I spanked him last time and I don\’t want to spank him anymore.\” , it’s no use. Now whenever I get angry, he will run outside and accuse me of child abuse and hate me. I really can’t do anything.” Every family had a difficult time to recite, and no one responded to my cousin later. I thought this matter was over, but at one o\’clock in the morning, my cousin\’s child suddenly posted this message in the group: \”Every day you look at me, you don\’t like me. I am slow in my homework, and you say I am stupid; I wake up late.\” , you say I\’m lazy; I buy a toy, you say I\’m ignorant; I play with my mobile phone, and you say I don\’t like to study. Why do you always find fault with me? Do you think other people in the group are as crazy as you all day long? ?\” It was really embarrassing for the family to end up like this. Speaking of her children, they are the most accomplished children in the whole family. They have been excellent in studies since childhood. I also understand what my cousin is like. She never makes mistakes when doing things. Once something goes wrong, she will tell the worst case scenario to prevent the situation from happening. Almost late! If you make another mistake, you will have no chance! Your teeth will be damaged if you eat any more! If you keep playing, you won\’t be able to get into a key middle school! The child was probably tired of his cousin\’s \”excessive worry\”, so he began to \”resist\”. People say: \”Worry is actually a curse.\” Sometimes our parents\’ well-intentioned advice to their children will inadvertently give their children \”negative hints.\” \”Suggestions\” have a very terrible impact on children. Parents must remember some words and do not say them to their children easily. Negative hints from parents can ruin a child’s life. I suddenly thought of the hotly searched news: In Wuxi, Jiangsu, a mother saw that the boy’s schoolbag looked like a “garbage bag”: the homework book was a “paper book” and the book was rolled up. It was embarrassing, but when I opened the cover of a book, it was clearly written on the back: \”The target is Tsinghua University and Peking University.\” The mother looked up and saw her son sitting at the table with his legs crossed and biting the penholder. The latest and most complete 2023 [Kindergarten, Junior High and High School] premium VIP course catalogs from famous teachers in various disciplines on the entire network, click to view now! My mother laughed angrily and said sarcastically: If you can get into Tsinghua University and Peking University, I will run around the town naked. Netizens exploded when they saw it, and both camps commented one after another. One side thought: Mom is right, this is a sign of self-awareness. The other side believes that no matter whether it can be realized or not, mothers should at least support and encourage their children and must not laugh at them. Just look at the comments and you will know how excited the netizens are: A young child from Tsinghua University and Peking University was ruined in the hands of his mother! Mothers laugh at their children\’s dreams, how disappointed this child must be! How the hell can you do this!… Let’s just imagine how a child would feel when he hears such teasing? Susan Forward, a well-known American psychotherapist, said in the book \”Family of Origin\”: \”In a child\’s young mind, parents are the center of the world. Therefore, if your omniscient parents decide that you are a bad child , then you must be. If your mother often says, \’You are so stupid,\’ then you are stupid; if your father often says, \’You are so useless,\’ then you must be useless.\” In the same way, your mother will laugh at you. Dream, this child must also find it ridiculous. \”Why do I have such an unrealistic dream? Am I the only one who deserves to be admitted to Tsinghua University and Peking University? Sure enough, my mother is right.\” Children will also become increasingly inferior to themselves. If the child had a 1% chance of getting admitted to Tsinghua University and Peking University before, now he has completely given up on this dream and the chance of getting admitted has become 0%. Speech master Wayne Delchang once said: \”Our abilities are limited. This is definitely a big lie. The only thing that can limit us is to believe in the existence of limits.\” There are no stupid children in the world, and children\’s talents are unlimited, but there is one The premise is that parents believe that their children have such abilities. There are many cases like this around us. Parents hope that their children will become famous, but when they talk to their children, they all give negative hints: if their children do not do well in the exam, they will say: \”Why are you so stupid? You make such simple mistakes!\” You will be hopeless in the future.\” If the child does well in the exam, they will say: \”Why don\’t you have to work hard? You just passed the exam once? Don\’t be proud.\” Negative suggestions are like a \”curse\” that keeps happening to the child. Come true. When my children were learning mathematics, they would always mix up the numerators and denominators. I was very angry. During that time, I always emphasized to my children: \”Don\’t get the numerators and denominators reversed!\” Who would have thought that when my children took the unit test, they only scored 25 points? , the numerator and denominator of the entire test paper were reversed. The child did not dare to go out from the main entrance of the school for fear that her classmates would laugh at her. Afterwards, I asked the child: \”Why can\’t you understand the numerator and denominator?\” The child said: \”Mom, actually I think the numerator and denominator are very simple, but every time you emphasize to me, \’Don\’t do it the other way around,\’ I remember everything in the exam.\” If you can\’t get up, just remember to \’do it the other way around\’, and you end up with 25 points on the test.\” Every time we emphasize a negative result, we deepen the child\’s impression of the negative result. It is a vicious circle. The more we emphasize, the more mistakes we make. This is the negative suggestion effect. What ruins a child. Children with \”dark horse\” potential come from their parents knowing how to give positive hints since childhood. Let me tell you about a very \”magical\” experiment. American psychologist Rosenthal once conducted a \”future development trend test\” on children in 18 primary school classes, that is, to see who will be more promising in the future. After the test, he handed the teacher a list of the \”most promising\” students, which meant that the future of these children was bright and immeasurable. More than half a year later, he re-examined the students in these 18 classes and found that the students who were previously on the list had made significant progress in learning. The children who originally had a bad attitude now impressed the teacher and got along very harmoniously with their classmates. However, this list was just written by Rosenthal casually. The students just received his \”positive hints\”, so they worked hard towards \”progressing\”It brings you closer to the image of \”showing a bright future\”, thereby stimulating potential in all aspects. If you assume that your child is excellent, he will really prove it to you; the more you think your child is stupid, the child will really become stupider. This is psychology Learn the \”self-fulfilling prophecy\” above – it means that people will unconsciously act according to known prophecies, and eventually make the prophecies happen. At the 2022 Beijing Winter Olympics, Gu Ailing is nothing more than the brightest star, winning Gu Ailing, who has won 2 gold medals and 1 silver medal, is studying at Stanford University. Her appearance, academic qualifications, and strength are all online, and she instantly swept the circle of friends. In fact, in her family education, positive suggestions played a crucial role. Her My mother, Gu Yan, graduated from Peking University. She has been taught to be a \”perfect person\” since she was a child. \”When I was a child, I felt that if I didn\’t score 100 points, it would be a very big mistake. \”But she doesn\’t want Gu Ailing to pursue perfection like her. She has always told Gu Ailing that she doesn\’t have to go to Stanford; when she goes out to participate in competitions, she will not ask Gu Ailing to win the championship. There was a media interview with Gu Yan: \”Sister, you How did you educate this child? \”She said: \”When it comes to concepts, I remember two sentences. The first sentence was said by Ailing\’s teacher when she entered school. Never correct their typos and do not dampen the children\’s creativity; the second sentence is to learn from The concept is to praise them less for their intelligence and more for their efforts. \”It is precisely because of \”not over-correcting\”, \”not attacking\” and \”praising more\” that Gu Ailing has developed a confident and bold character. When 13-year-old Gu Ailing was interviewed, she said very confidently: \”All sports, including basketball.\” , don’t think about others doing better than you, whether it’s other boys or girls, older or younger than you, you are the best, you must start practicing with this idea, all those who play well It all starts like this. \”Don\’t care what others do, you are the best. Without Gu Yan\’s family education, I would not be able to raise such a child. No wonder, when netizens comforted Gu Ailing in the big platform project, \”Don\’t be too stressed\”, Gu Ailing It’s “Why don’t you have more faith in me. \”Sure enough, in the end she won the championship with a perfect turn, beyond everyone\’s imagination. So, will miracles happen? Yes, but it will only happen to those who \”believe they can do it and insist on doing it\” Instead of \”imagining all kinds of adverse conditions, hesitating, and not taking the last step\”. How do parents give correct hints to their children? Early childhood education expert Lin Yi said: \”Compared with preaching, criticism, punishment and other means, Subtle hints have more magical power, can change children\’s behavior more quickly, and guide children to develop in a better direction. \”So how do you hint to your children? Here we provide a few tips. 1. Remove \”don\’t\”. Li Meijin said: \”When a child does something wrong, parents should not yell to correct it, otherwise he will It will strengthen the impression of this matter. \”Instead of constantly emphasizing \”no\”, it is better to emphasize \”yes\” to your children. For example: Change \”Don\’t leave any leftovers\” to ➡️ \”You can finish it today.\” Change \”Don\’t dawdle\” to ➡️ \”You can be faster.\” Change \”Don\’t lose your temper all the time.\”Change it to ➡️ \”You can speak softly.\” Change \”You can stop playing with your phone\” to ➡️ \”You can start doing your homework.\” Change \”You can stop making noise\” to ➡️ \”You can be quiet.\” Although it is just a small Small changes, but repeated once a day, the child will hear positive hints, and the child\’s mentality will gradually change. 2. Encourage your children to count the pieces ten times in a timely manner, instead of rewarding them one piece at a time. Psychology professor John Gottman once proposed a \”family Losada ratio\” of 5:1, which means that \”for every criticism we give to our lovers and children, we must match it with 5 words of encouragement to maintain a stable relationship.\” . But there are techniques for praising children, and if you don’t praise them well, it can harm your children. ① Don’t praise your child’s talent, but praise your child’s hard work. [For example] 👉Don’t say, “Baby, you’re awesome, awesome, you did a great job on the exam!” Instead, say, “You did well on the exam, this is all the result of your hard work, baby, keep up the good work!” ② Not just Instead of cheering your child up, praise your child\’s perseverance. [For example]👉Don\’t say \”Come on, you can definitely do it\”, which will only increase the pressure on the child. Instead, say \”Performance is good, persistence is victory, keep working hard~\” ③ Don\’t praise the child in general, but praise the child in details. 【For example】👉Don’t say “you are awesome”. Instead, say, \”Baby, you have made a lot of progress. You see that your pen-holding posture is more standard. For example, the character \’正\’ is very three-dimensional and you have mastered it well.\” Encourage in time, pay attention to details, and praise sincerely. You must not have children. I don\’t like such parents. 3. Give children clear and specific instructions. Sometimes, if a child refuses to change despite repeated instructions, it is not necessarily because he is disobedient, but because he does not understand the way we say it. For example, my child couldn\’t write well before. I told him countless times not to write crookedly, but it still didn\’t help. Only after reading the book \”Positive Discipline\” did I realize that in this situation, children can be given clear instructions. For example, when it comes to writing, I bought a grid for my children and drew dots on the grid. The children only need to connect the dots to write. Slowly, he discovered that writing is not difficult, the words are beautiful and he has a sense of accomplishment. He fell in love with writing, and now writing is no longer a problem. Instead of repeatedly telling your children that this is not good or that is not good, it is better to find ways to make things simpler and make it easier for children to have a sense of accomplishment. After all, we all only like to do things that have a sense of accomplishment. 4. Say more \”What do you think?\” Sometimes we can\’t help but urge our children and when ordering them to do things, we finally say \”What do you think\”? No matter how unacceptable things are, children will not loose the temper. Imagine these two scenarios: Mom A: \”Why are you still playing? Hurry up and do your homework!\” Mom B: \”Look, it\’s not too late for us to finish our homework before playing. What do you think?\” Mom A: \”Don\’t eat snacks all the time, it\’s not good for your health!\” Mother B: \”You have to have a certain amount of snacks, what do you think?\” I believe that whether you are a child or an adult, you will definitely feel better when you hear the other party asking for your opinion on everything. to \”respect\”. Italian early childhood educator Montessori once said: \”If you believe that a child will be disobedient, he will probably do what you want; similarly, if you believe that he will cooperate, he will also do what you want. You are positive ExpectIt builds the child\’s self-esteem. \”In fact, when we are willing to respect our children and bend over to cooperate with them, many problems will be solved. Mr. Tao Xingzhi once said, \”There is Watt under your pointer, Newton in your cold eyes, and Edison in your ridicule. \”The future of a child is hidden in the mouths of the parents; the mouths of the parents are the best feng shui for the child. Try to see the shining points of the child, don\’t be stingy with your praises, and put away your unnecessary worries and negative hints. All your thoughts and thoughts are just changes. If everything is for the best, think about the best, things will really get better and better. Don\’t sigh, blessings will flow away; don\’t scold, kindness is the most rare thing. There is a problem called parents I think there is something wrong with you; there is a kind of confidence that your parents think you can do. Smart people must already know how to use the power of suggestion. Please believe that we all have a bright future! Let’s encourage you all.