How to guide timid and cowardly children

Over the weekend, I reviewed Pixar\’s \”1/2\” with Doudou. The protagonists of the story are two brothers, one is the \”unreliable\” brother who is always enthusiastic and full of enthusiasm, and the other is the sensitive and timid \”unconfident\” brother. In order to After meeting their beloved father who has passed away, the two brothers staged a heart-warming and healing fantasy adventure. It\’s really hard to resist Pixar\’s family card, with tears and laughter throughout the movie. Whether you are an adult or a child, you can always see yourself in the movie. For me, the highlight was definitely the shy and timid brother in the movie. Younger brother Ian is timid by nature, doesn\’t talk much, and has no friends in school. The classmate sitting behind him kept his feet on his stool for a long time, and he did not dare to say a word. On his 16th birthday, he mustered up the courage to meet a new self. He wrote down small goals in his notebook: communicate more, learn to drive, invite classmates to parties, and become a person like his father. However, even if he mustered up the courage to raise his hand first in driving class, he never dared to drive on the expressway; when he invited his classmates to his birthday party, even though he wrote the lines in the palm of his hand and rehearsed them several times, he still messed up. ; What a familiar feeling. That timid brother gave me a vague glimpse of my own experience and worries about my children… 2 Doudou has been timid since he was a child, not to mention big bosses such as darkness and monsters, even small and harmless little ones. He is afraid of insects and loud noises. Now almost 6 years old, there are still many things that make him nervous and even afraid. For example, when I took him to get vaccinations, even though I had done enough homework before going out, when I saw the needle the nurse took out, Doudou was still scared and hid in a corner. In the end, even the cleaning aunt came up to encourage him… Less than 5 The injection process took just seconds and took almost an hour of back and forth… He went to the water park to play. The water was a little deeper, but he was too afraid to go. The children were playing happily in the water, and my teammates complained angrily, saying that the children always liked to cling to me. I was afraid of this and that. How could I be so timid? ! … Even I was involved in anxiety: My child is so timid, is it because I don’t provide enough sense of security? Or is there something wrong with the child\’s personality? This is what happens to my child, why not? To be honest, before I had a baby, I secretly hoped to have an outgoing baby. But Doudou\’s personality is easy to follow, and he doesn\’t get to know anyone by himself. He is a chatterbox at home. When he goes out, he is quiet and \”manly\”. Not to mention taking the initiative to say hello, it is common for him to be shy and hide behind me when he sees strangers. . I particularly sympathize with Doudou\’s tendency to be nervous and timid, but I can\’t help but take my own negative experiences and project my worries and anxieties onto my child. I was anxious and anxious to change him, but when I forced him to slide down the high slide, When I saw him crying helplessly, I also collapsed. At that moment, I seemed to see myself who was forced to be brave by my parents when I was a child… Now it seems that the strong push from my parents when I was a child was in vain. Even at this age, I am still slow and introverted. Those forced bravery, The only thing left is the grievance and sourness, as well as the disacceptance and doubt of oneself. Why do I have to be what you wantWhat makes me become? I\’m just such an introvert, that\’s who I am, why not? I forgot that I also silently protested to my parents. I forgot that some things are innate, such as a child\’s temperament – some children are like \”dandelions\” with very low requirements and strong vitality; some children are sensitive by nature, like \”orchids\” who are beautiful but delicate and difficult to maintain and require parental investment. More energy. \”My child is like this!\” When I wrote this sentence, the entanglement and noise in my heart quieted down. When I no longer regard the child\’s \”sensitivity\” as a shortcoming, when I begin to accept the child for who he is and return to the child himself, I find that it is like turning over the other side of a coin: the child\’s \”timidity\” in your eyes is actually a A kind of \”caution\”; the \”shyness\” of seeing strangers hiding is actually a \”self-protection mechanism\”; playing by oneself \”unsociable\” is actually a kind of \”focus\”; just like the younger brother in the movie, although Scared of everything, but a man with magic. In reality, are sensitive children not people with \”magic\”? A Toolbox for Sensitive Children – \”Psychological Flexibility\” Some people say that this kind of \”acceptance\” is a kind of advanced chicken soup for the soul. I do not deny that, indeed, children will never be able to build up the courage to face difficulties and the ability to deal with problems simply by accepting and waiting. Perhaps the child will hide in his own world and become less courageous and less confident, as if he is sitting on a rotating slide, sliding step by step into a growth black hole built by anxiety. We can\’t change a child\’s innate temperament, but we can help timid and cautious children have better psychological qualities, so that such children can face the future bravely. So, what can we do? What kind of help do sensitive children need more? The Center on the Developing Child of Harvard University in the United States believes: We need to let children master simple skills of coping and adaptation, teach them how to stop crying, how to adjust their behavior, and how to delay gratification. It\’s like having a toolbox where children can find useful tools to solve the problems they encounter when facing pressure and challenges. This toolbox is \”psychological flexibility\” Resilience. \”Psychological flexibility\”, the ability to adapt to pressure and adversity, can be imagined as a psychological spring. When faced with pressure and setbacks, one can judge whether a spring is healthy and functioning properly by looking at its \”resilience\”. How to increase children\’s psychological flexibility? Research shows that everyone’s psychological flexibility is affected by nature and nurture. \”Psychological flexibility\” is like a muscle and can be trained. How to provide just the right amount of acceptance and support to train children’s psychological flexibility? Let me share a little story about how I took Doudou to roller skating for the first time two days ago. ❶ Fully accept children\’s negative emotions. A roller skating training class was opened in the square in front of the community. Every time he saw a group of children of all sizes practicing enthusiastically, Doudou would stand there and watch for a long time. It was obvious that he was very interested. I asked him: \”Do you want to learn?\” Doudou hesitated, shook his head and said no. If it were before, I might be worried and resistantThe child was afraid. This time I did not deny him or push him. Instead, I patted him and said, \”Mom doesn\’t know how to roller skate, so it seems a bit difficult.\” Tips: No matter what temperament you have, it is always important to accept your child. The premise of parenting. Especially for children with sensitive temperaments, only by accepting their nature and feeling loved can they develop a healthy self. On the contrary, if you always want to change your children, complain, blame or even punish them, they are more likely to have behavioral problems. ❷ After a few days of gently pushing the child to the challenge area, Doudou stood there and stared at it for a long time. I said to him: \”How about we go see what roller skates are like?\” This time he did not refuse and followed I came to the training classroom and observed how many wheels the roller skates had, how the children put on the roller skates and how to stand… Seeing that he was very interested, I struck while the iron was hot and said to him, \”How about we go try it and see if you can do it again?\” Wearing roller skates~\” Doudou immediately flinched with alarm. I remembered the movie I just took him to watch and said to him: \”Look, the little brother in the movie didn\’t dare to drive the car onto the expressway at first. , later he was still scared, but he still bravely tried it, and he did it, right? We just sat on the chairs to try out what it felt like to wear roller skates without standing up.\” Doudou nodded, and the teacher led him He chose his favorite roller skates and put on the shoes and protective gear smoothly. While putting them on, I guided him to observe the details of the roller skates. I said, \”Wow, the equipment you are wearing now is so cool. It looks like an expedition team member!\” Doudou also nodded happily. Tips: When children shrink from challenges and pressure, parents often push their children away: \”Go on, don\’t be so timid, it\’ll be okay!\” In fact, at this time, children need to gently give themselves some sense of security and strength. To take a crucial step. ❸ Doudou was not so scared after breaking down the difficult tasks into small tasks. The teacher said to him: \”Do you want to stand up and try it?\” I encouraged him next to him: \”Try again what it feels like to stand on the ground wearing these shoes. , Mom and teacher are here to protect you!\” Doudou did not hesitate this time. The teacher helped him stand up on the spot. While demonstrating, the teacher said to him, \”Try spreading your feet and imitating a little duck. Bend your knees slightly and put your little hands behind your back, okay?\” Just like this step by step, Doudou not only challenged the little duck to stand and stand parallel, but also practiced the duck walk for several rounds on the floor mat. At the end, he happily said to me \”Mom, roller skating is so fun, I want to learn!\” Tips: Children are more likely to flinch in front of big goals that seem difficult, but breaking them down into smaller goals looks much better. ❹ Teach children small ways to cope with anxiety and stress. In addition to accepting children’s negative emotions, we also need to teach them to calmly view and regulate their own bad moods. The body and mind are closely related, and children can relieve tension by relaxing their bodies. Consciously let Doudou practice the deep breathing method taught by Teacher Yijia in the emotion class – the \”smell the flowers and blow out the candles\” game. Pretend you are holding a flower in your hand, put it under your nose, and take a deep breath as if you were smelling the flower. Then take a long breath through your mouth and pretend to blow out the birthday candles. Let children learnTake these slow, deep breaths when you are nervous or anxious to help them realize that they are safe and not in danger. In addition, teach them some things to say to themselves when they are anxious: For example, \”I can overcome this, I have done it before!\” or \”Anxiety will not last forever, I will soon forget this feeling.\” Tips: No matter Whether by adjusting breathing or verbal encouragement, whenever a child overcomes anxiety step by step, encourage and affirm him so that he or she can be more psychologically flexible and more in control of themselves and their lives. Summary \”Life is like a box of chocolates, you never know what you\’re going to get.\” Life will always throw up one problem after another. In the movie, the moment his brother is magically shrunk, he learns to drive. Because he couldn\’t lie when using the Disguise Charm, Ian learned to tell his true thoughts. He learns to be confident when it comes to using the Bridge of Invisibility to cross a cliff. During this 24-hour adventure, timid Ian finally grew into his brave self. Ian ticked off those crossed-out wishes one by one and he finally grew up. In reality, although we cannot replicate the same magical adventure for our children, we can still be our children\’s backers and prepare a \”psychological resilience\” toolbox to help them. Interact with the outside world in a way that is recognized by society and relatively acceptable to themselves, so that they can face the future bravely. ❖