How to improve the parent-child relationship during adolescence

A friend\’s daughter is in the third grade of junior high school. She used to be a well-behaved little girl, but now when she returns home, she doesn\’t even want to say a word to her parents. My friend is wondering why these adolescent children still don’t talk to their parents? It\’s noisy when I say it. In fact, this is the child falling into the \”relative enmity period\”. Parents must know more or less about adolescence. Adolescent children are called difficult to control and rebellious. However, if adolescence falls into the \”relative hatred period\”, it will be more difficult to control the child, and it is easy for the child to take detours. 01 When adolescence falls into the “relative enmity period”, what is the “relative enmity period”? The so-called \”parent-hate period\” refers to those children who have entered adolescence and have reached a certain peak of independent consciousness. When their parents educate, instill and control them, they resist behaviorally and verbally. They are obviously parents and children, but they behave like \”enemies\” and behave abnormally. Moreover, this period may last 1-3 years. Psychologically speaking, adolescence, also known as adolescence, is the second leap period in the development of a child\’s self-awareness. The first leap period is infancy. At this stage, children have a very significant characteristic in the development of self-awareness, that is, they are strongly concerned about their own personality growth and have very strong self-esteem. At this time, if parents still want to control their children, it is equivalent to inhibiting the development of their children\’s self-awareness, and the children will begin to resist, and the \”relative period\” will come. Generally speaking, the reason why children \”hate relatives\” is because their parents control too much, which prevents the children\’s self-awareness from developing correctly and positively. Then the child\’s mood changes to extremes, such as worry, loneliness, depression, irritability, etc. 02 The hatred period is also a good time to heal family relationships. In \”Inferiority and Transcendence\”, there is a sentence about adolescence: He must prove that he is no longer a naive child. Decoding Adolescence free full text reading pdf+epub+azw3 The period when children’s self-awareness explodes is the time when parent-child relationships are most likely to have problems, but similarly, for those families with average parent-child relationships, this is also the best period of healing. In psychology, there is an effect called \”kicking the cat effect\”. To put it simply, the owner is criticized by his boss at work. When he returns home, the owner vents his dissatisfaction to his wife, who then vents it to his children. The child kicks the cat at home, which is how he vents it to the cat. If a family is \”sick\” and is often in a state of negative energy, then the children who end up paying for the family\’s illness are the children who are in the hostile stage and have the lowest energy. If a child has already entered the period of hatred towards relatives and has not corrected it by the age of 16, which is when adolescence is about to end, then unfortunately, I can tell you that this child is very likely to be \”unfilial\” in the future. Some parents may say that children in this period of hatred are really difficult to get along with. Indeed, children in the anti-parent period have deep-rooted thoughts and very obvious resistance to their parents. It is even more difficult to change the children. Most of the time, parents want to try to change their children, but the children resist, and then the parents lose patience and start to put on airs, show their dignity as parents, and start beating and scolding the children.The parent-child relationship began to deteriorate. But parents need to think about a question: Why are other people\’s children obedient, but their own children\’s hatred period comes so violently? Once they start to truly reflect on themselves, it proves that parents realize that there is something wrong with the way parents and children get along in the past. If it can be corrected at this time, then the parent-child relationship can be truly repaired, and the influence of parents on their children will gradually become positive. 03 Parents can reduce conflicts and reshape parent-child relationships by doing 5 things. In fact, whether it is the relationship between family members or parenting issues, the most basic issue is the \”boundary issue\”. Don\’t violate children\’s boundaries. Only by doing these five things can parents reduce conflicts and reshape the parent-child relationship. The first point: tolerate and accept children\’s \”bad emotions\”. When children lose their temper, parents will explode. This is a common situation in many families who are hostile to each other. But do parents know why adolescent children lose their temper so much? Because the development of their emotions and state of mind shows a dynamic development trend. Especially in early adolescence, there will be fewer positive emotions and more negative emotions, and the emotional stability will be less stable and fluctuate. Therefore, children during this period really explode at the first touch. As parents, we need to tolerate and accept the \”bad emotions\” of our children. When children are in a bad mood, parents can say three sentences to their children, which are very effective. The first sentence: \”You are in pain, and mom sees it.\” The second sentence: \”You talk to mom like this, and mom feels very uncomfortable.\” The third sentence: \”But if you are happy, then vent for a while first, Let’s talk about other things later.” Children who can vent their bad emotions and be accepted are very happy. For a happy child, the period of hatred will become shorter and shorter. The second point: \”Let go\” more so that children can gain respect and independence. Children in the period of enmity are very sensitive and full of hostility to the outside world. They want to be strong but have no ability to protect themselves. They are like little wolves. When they are injured, they will hide and lick their wounds alone. Even their own parents will refuse their help. In the final analysis, it is the child who does not trust us. Even if the child is very powerless, he wants to resolve his emotions in his own way. As a parent, if you have to help your children at this time, you actually want to do something to relieve your own anxiety. However, these are not necessarily what children want. Because parents need to prioritize their children\’s own feelings so that children can gain respect and independence. The third point: Praise more and control and expect less. Parents may not be able to see their children\’s psychology, but they will definitely see their children\’s achievements. At this time, too many parents will ignore their children\’s psychology and pay great attention to their children\’s achievements. However, when a child has psychological problems, his learning will definitely be affected. The various pressures parents put on their children in study and life will make them want to escape from the confinement of their parents, and the period of resentment will only get worse. Parents must be sufficiently mentally prepared. The degree and duration of the hatred period are different for each child. The purpose of praising our children is to enhance their confidence.Allow children to complete their own healing. Point 4: Treat the child as a \”baby\” and raise it again. The second leap period in the development of a child\’s self-awareness is adolescence, and the first leap period is the infancy. So, why don’t we try to treat our children like babies during adolescence when self-awareness is developing rapidly? The development of self-awareness can also be completed. The biggest difference between these two stages is the difference in parents\’ mentality. Just like in infancy, love your child unconditionally. Don\’t let your child feel that you love him only if he gets good grades and love him if he is obedient. Just like in infancy, allow your child the opportunity to try and make mistakes. If he makes a mistake, don\’t blame or beat him. Wait for the child to correct mistakes and make adjustments; just like in infancy, guide the child patiently, help the child establish correct three views and values, and let the child understand what can and cannot be done. Point 5: Putting the relationship between husband and wife before the relationship between parents and children can be said to be a common problem in most families. Parents pay too much attention to their children, but pay almost no attention to their significant other. Parents feel that their children are the most important thing. The latest and most complete 2023 [Kindergarten, Junior High and High School] premium VIP course catalogs from famous teachers in various disciplines on the entire network, click to view now! In fact, for couples, the other half is more important than the children. Family discord is actually the source of inner conflict for many children. If husband and wife talk to each other well, without blaming or complaining, they will be as sweet and sweet as when they fell in love. This can not only solve the problems of the husband and wife relationship, but also solve the problems of the children. Because adolescent children have a lot of negative emotions, when they see their parents showing affection, and when they are in a very harmonious and loving family environment, the children\’s emotions will be well relieved. The process of children growing up is the process of parents constantly letting go. A message home should be a warm and safe place. Here, parents need to learn how to improve the relationship between husband and wife, how to improve their own educational abilities, and how to make themselves better. Only in this way can parents understand and support their children more, and children can learn to fly on their own!