How to make your child become a self-disciplined person

I heard a friend talk about her parenting experience, which was about \”tolerance\”. When most mothers are busy urging their children to get up on time to complete their summer homework every day; complain that their children are neglected and can\’t remember the things they need for interest classes; and complain to each other about their children\’s holiday performance in the parent group every day, I have this A friend who always looks much more elegant and calm. As a parent, the 7-year-old girl is always only a \”trainer\” for her children. She has long been accustomed to preparing books for the next day\’s study before going to bed, choosing her favorite clothes, neatly folding them on the pillow, and Gradually, she learned how to make lists for her mother… For example, when her mother goes to the supermarket, she writes down the things she needs and asks her mother to help with the shopping. For summer camps organized by the school, you can also list what you like and what you need to prepare. Many mothers ask their friends for advice, and she always smiles and says: \”There is no experience, it\’s just about being able to endure it.\” For example, when her children were in school, she once got up early in the morning, and saw that she didn\’t have enough time, so she jumped in a hurry. , the children washed their faces and ate in a leisurely manner, as if they were careless and time had nothing to do with me. Being urged, the child said leisurely: \”We children are slow to do things. The more you push us, the slower we will be.\” This made her dumbfounded. For this reason, she often performed \”speeding on the road\”. , it’s really hard and helpless to have children who can’t rush, and who can’t wait for class time at the same time. Later, she reviewed herself and felt that this could not fundamentally solve the problem, so she negotiated with her child and said: \”From now on, we will go out at 7:10 in the morning. You need to arrange your own time. Mom will only remind you and will not rush you. But , if you are late for class and the teacher criticizes you, your mother cannot accept the criticism for you.\” At first, the children seemed to understand but did not take it seriously. Still lying in bed lazily, still brushing teeth and washing face slowly and eating breakfast. The friend looked on, dumbfounded and kept silent. By the time the child packed his things and went out, there were only 10 minutes left before class. There is no doubt that the child was late for class and was criticized by the teacher. After school, the child looked aggrieved, blaming her mother for sending her off late and making herself late. Her mother told her what she had said the day before again. This time, the children seemed to understand. She came over with the alarm clock and asked her mother to help her set the time to wake up. The next day, although the child still turned over and fell asleep after the alarm clock rang, after his mother reminded him, the child seemed to think of the experience of being criticized by the teacher the day before and jumped up from the bed. From this little thing, the child began to understand that the reason why he was not late for school before was because his mother was around to help him. More importantly, she began to know that from now on, she would be responsible for this little matter. After winning the \”battle\” of getting up, my friend began to gradually give more autonomy to her children. For example, she would let the children arrange what to eat for breakfast during the week, and she would be responsible for the purchase. For another example, children love beauty, so she gave them the right to dress and match their clothes every day. At first, the children were only responsible for their beauty. It often happened that they wore too many or too few clothes. Slowly, she learned Children check the weather forecast for the next day in advance and prepare clothes. \”Be responsible for yourself\”The children also became more and more calm from the initial nervousness and discomfort, and then gradually fell in love with the feeling of arranging their own lives. A German mother’s experience in teaching integrity and self-discipline is like this: Teach good children who are strong + independent + tolerant + frugal. My friend summed it up and said: “When you want your children to be self-disciplined instead of having to take charge of everything themselves, you must learn to be patient. See Don\’t intervene when she makes mistakes, don\’t help when you watch her, even watch her burn money and don\’t feel sorry for the money. Always be a sparring partner rather than the leader of the game. Only in this way can children learn Be responsible for yourself.\” Why is the father so confident and \”tolerant\” when his son makes travel plans? It\’s not easy. Not every parent can endure it. I remember reading a piece of news before: An 11-year-old kid from Fujian, Liangliang, traveled around the world with his father, Hong Shujing. Along the way, my son controlled the wallet, planned the route, and made all the decisions about food, accommodation, and transportation, while I was responsible for taking him on a motorcycle to complete the trip. In an interview with the media, his father said: \”The destination for the next day is all decided by the child, and the place of accommodation is also allowed to be chosen by him. He even decides to eat. I want him to learn things in life. They all make their own decisions and face any consequences of their decisions.\” They went all the way north, passing through Fujian, Jiangxi, Anhui, Jiangsu, Shandong, and Hebei, and arrived in Beijing. Then it goes all the way south from Beijing, passing through Hebei, Shaanxi, Shanxi, Chongqing, Hubei, Hunan, Guangdong, and then back to Fujian. Along the way, Liangliang not only insisted on using her evening time to do homework, but also packed her luggage, recorded video diaries, and made travel plans for the next day, while her father was responsible for washing his son\’s clothes. For the father, this is the best way he can think of to accompany his son\’s growth and cultivate his child\’s self-discipline and sense of self-independence. We can imagine that along the way, the father has to watch his children make many mistakes, but once he \”bears it\”, the children will naturally see the consequences of their decisions, so that they can do better next time. decision making. In fact, every child grows up like this. However, when we become parents, we can’t help but want to save the cost of our children’s growth, and we can’t help but make various decisions for our children. But looking through the comments on this news, I found many comments. In addition to lamenting the father\’s courage to let go, there are also voices of doubt. For example: \”I don\’t believe that a father can really resist not helping.\” \”Can parents really rest assured that such a young child can make all the decisions on his own?\” It can be seen that many parents know too well that it is not easy to watch their children make mistakes without intervening. They know how difficult it is for them to be \”tolerant\”, and they also question how other parents do it. Excessive control of children will destroy the development of self-control in children. Every mother hopes that her children will be self-disciplined and independent. However, if you refuse to give your children a chance to grow, how can they be independent? Only when children can feel that they can control their own lives will they become more and more self-disciplined, instead of placing all the responsibilities of life on their parents or others. In the 1960s, the famous AmericanPsychologist Walter Mischel conducted a famous \”marshmallow\” experiment: those children who were able to wait for the second marshmallow at the age of 5 would do better in their subsequent studies and career development. Better. This is Michelle\’s most important experiment on \”self-discipline.\” In 1998, 30 years after the marshmallow experiment, Walter Mischel and her students redid an experiment, called the \”Strange Situation\” experiment, to clarify another question: How long does it take for a child to be born? Do you have the ability to delay gratification? They selected children around 18 months old as subjects. The experiment is divided into three stages: the first stage: free activity stage. Mother and child stay alone in the laboratory room and play for 5 minutes just like at home. Second stage: Separation stage The school director calls the mother and leaves the room, leaving the child alone with a volunteer for two minutes. The child had previously interacted with the volunteer for 17 minutes in the presence of his mother. During the period when the mother is away, unless the child appears uneasy, the volunteer will simply comfort him and tell him that the mother will be back soon. The third stage: the reunion stage. After the mother and her child were separated for two minutes, they came back again. At this time, the volunteer quietly left the room and allowed the mother and her child to move for three minutes. In fact, this experiment did predict the children\’s future behavior in the marshmallow experiment. Children who diverted their attention for the last 30 seconds of the \”strange situation\” and successfully persisted for 2 minutes were able to obtain the second marshmallow more effectively when they were 5 years old. Michelle explained: Babies with better self-control are usually able to cope with their mother\’s control, but not by clinging tightly to their mother, but by keeping a distance from her mother (more than 1 meter), discovering and exploring the room on their own, and playing with toys. Use this to divert attention. Once a child is able to control the distance between himself and his mother, he will be able to not completely obey his mother\’s control when making decisions. Parents who over-control their children actually take risks and are likely to secretly undermine the development of their children\’s self-control, while parents who support and encourage their children to solve problems independently are more likely to allow their children to successfully eat the first marshmallow test. Two marshmallows. Not being a perfect mother but being a mentor and companion to your children is not an easy task for every parent. We instinctively want to do our best to give our children the best, so when a child is a little bit bad, we will anxiously tell him how to do better; when a child encounters a little setback, we I felt distressed and wanted to step in and help him get through this difficult time. However, what we must always understand is that we can be mentors in children\’s lives and companions in their growth, but we cannot become interferers in the direction of their lives. We have to allow our children to grow up slowly in their own way. If you want to be a \”tolerant\” mother, you must first learn to relieve your own anxiety. In fact, in most cases, parents\’ uncontrollable control stems from their own anxiety, not the anxiety of their children. At this time, using the \”worst-case scenario forecast\” method will be very effective. For example, children’s understanding of EnglishI lose interest in studying. The worst-case scenario is that when my children go abroad in the future, their English performance will be limited. However, we will also have a solution: first, do not consider studying abroad; second, the child insists on studying abroad. At this time, when he makes his own choice, his motivation to learn English will naturally increase. When you think about it this way, you will be much less anxious, and you will not be eager to force your children to learn English well at this moment. Secondly, learn to listen to your children’s expectations of themselves. We have to admit that sometimes the excessive demands on children come from the fact that we have not yet figured out what kind of life we ​​want our children to live, so we try our best to create various conditions for our children. The original intention of doing this is simply to hope that the child will retain the most choices, be able to know all kinds of martial arts, and be invincible in any situation. However, this in itself is an impossible goal. At this time, please try to listen to your child\’s own choices, ask him what he likes and is willing to learn, and follow the child\’s pace instead of being the one giving orders arbitrarily. Finally, give up on being a perfect mom. I want to tell you that there is never a perfect person, and there is no perfect mother. If we do become perfect mothers, we must be depriving our children of certain abilities. For example, the ability to self-grow and solve problems, to cope with setbacks, to turn the situation around in adversity, and to win good results. These abilities are indispensable for our growth and survival. So please give up being a perfect mom, a happy, non-anxious mom is far more important than a perfect mom!