How to prevent the tragedy of teenage depression from happening again

I once read the stories of 20 teenagers who dropped out of school due to depression in the \”Liberation Daily\”. Surprisingly, most of them are top students in key middle schools, and their futures originally had unlimited possibilities. But one day, the children suddenly become anxious, tired of learning, pessimistic, desperate, and world-weary… For example, some children were originally cheerful and talkative, but one day, not only did they become emotionally agitated, but their bodies also began to feel inexplicable pain; the worst situation was At that time, he shouted to his mother: \”I\’m going to kill you!\” Some children were originally full of energy, but because they were afraid of not getting into a good university, they became irritable and irritable, crying and laughing inexplicably, and sometimes became manic. , sometimes depressed, has been out of school for three years, and even committed suicide by swallowing sleeping pills. There is a girl who looks like a flower. When she feels uncomfortable, she will uncontrollably cut shocking scars on her hands. …According to a survey by the Chinese Academy of Sciences, the detection rate of depression among adolescents in my country in 2020 is 24.6%. This means that 1 in 5 children is depressed! What exactly went wrong? Scientific Parenting Book Recommendation I really wish my parents had read this book. Download the electronic version. The family environment \”went wrong\” and the children were sick. In order to return to normal, these children participated in a youth depression training camp. With the help of the instructor, they began to \”accuse\”. 19-year-old Han Qing grew up as someone else\’s child, but she has a very low self-esteem and feels like she is nothing. She said: \”I have never made the decision by myself.\” The same is true in life. Even if she has a meal, her mother will give her daughter dishes that she thinks are nutritious according to her own preferences, even if her daughter hates eating them. From beginning to end, Han Qing\’s likes, dislikes, feelings, and emotions were invisible to her mother; therefore, her mother consciously paid a lot, but Han Qing only wanted to escape. Tan Tan, 13, is studying in a key middle school in Beijing, and his grades remain in the top 20 of his grade. She is also good at piano and opera, has read thousands of books, and has a \”perfect personality\” in the eyes of her classmates. But she said: \”Because of my mother, I didn\’t have a childhood. She is a postdoctoral fellow at a prestigious school, and she is very ambitious but has many regrets. I am her tool to eliminate her regrets.\” Like a puppet on strings, she has been selected and arranged. She is \”excellent\” \”, but no self. Even after Tan Tan was diagnosed with depression, her mother still couldn\’t control her child\’s psychology. There is also a tall boy who runs to the children\’s toy counter in the supermarket every time he gets sick, because this is his only happy memory, which comes from his childhood. Ever since my father took over the power of education, he has only one thing on his lips: Those who fail to get into Tsinghua University and Peking University will be the scum of society. The boy\’s daily task is to study, study, and study again. Until one month before the high school entrance examination, the boy collapsed and cried to his mother for help: \”If dad watches me do math problems again, I won\’t be able to write a word…\” These children all come from Kochi families. They were well cared for, but they slowly collapsed in silent depression. In fact, the original intention of parents is also for the good of their children, but why are their children depressed? Parents may not know that in an airtight learning environment, when grades become the only indicator to measure a child, it is difficult for him to have other senses of value and experience. So when your grades cannot prove yourselfExcellent, when there is no outlet for inner anxiety, the child can only continue to attack himself inwardly, and eventually become depressed and injured. Don’t raise your children in a fish tank. There are many parents like this in life. They mistakenly believe that loving their children means planning everything for them and strictly urging them to move forward. Little did he know that his excessive intervention had harmed the child. In psychology, there is a famous story. The story is that the small fish in the fish tank are carefully taken care of every day, but after two years, the small fish is still only three inches long. Until one day the fish tank was broken and the little fish was put into the pool in the yard. In just two months, the little fish grew crazily from three inches to one foot! This phenomenon of breaking the fish tank and allowing the fish to grow faster and better is also called the \”fish tank law\”. Little fish need free space to grow, and so do children. For a child who is kept in a fish tank, his world is narrowed to the size of a school desk. With no choice and no freedom, the road to growth naturally becomes particularly difficult. Just like Jiang Jing in \”The Female Psychologist\”, a girl who has been \”captive\” by her mother for 30 years. She has been forced to learn piano by her mother since she was 5 years old. She has to practice for more than 10 hours every day no matter the cold winter or hot summer. Sometimes when I didn\’t play well, my mother would yell at me over and over again to try again. If I didn\’t play well, I wouldn\’t be allowed to eat. When Jiang Jing was slightly dissatisfied, her mother would bombard her: \”Who can you show me? Have you gained your skills? Who did you learn from?\” Not only that, her mother also supervises and controls her in all aspects. You have to ask about the clothes you wear, the hairstyle you wear, and the friends you make. Even now that she is an adult, her mother still has a key to her room so she can come in and out at any time. One time, she secretly played the drums and was discovered by her mother. Her mother threw the drumsticks away and asked her why she didn\’t tell her when she went out: \”You are the flesh that fell off my body. You must tell me everything you do!\” Her mother\’s strong love , forcing her to be breathless, and the long-term depression caused her to suffer from bulimia. In despair, she wrote a suicide note, smashed everything her mother bought her, and screamed: \”I don\’t want to win the first prize at all! I don\’t want to play the piano at all! I never want to live like what you want me to be. Look, I don’t want this kind of life.” Finally, she asked her mother hysterically: “Why are you trapping me?” Psychologist Wu Zhihong once said that a child who has been pushed by outside voices since childhood cannot do it. To be real, you can only give up yourself in despair. Just like Jiang Jing, she looks so good to outsiders, but her inner \”self\” is empty. She has never experienced what it feels like to enjoy something she likes, or what it is like to be \”just to make yourself happy.\” She had lived her 30 years of life solely for her mother\’s expectations. This kind of kidnapping by maternal love made her physically and mentally exhausted, and she even gave up her life to escape such a burden. Raising a child in a fish tank is destined to be a tragedy, even if it is in the name of love. Because every child spends his entire life trying to get rid of his parents’ expectations and become himself. If parents cannot see their children\’s hearts, and the children cannot escape the control of their parents, in a dilemma, they can only destroy their parents\’ \”children\” by giving up on themselves. You can’t raise children with strong frustration resistance in a fish tank. TrainingIn the camp, there is a girl named Yuan Ranran. She has a cheerful and lively personality and excellent grades. But she suffered from a severe eating disorder due to a broken love, and finally became depressed due to anxiety. Her father said with great regret: If he had known that his daughter would develop psychological problems due to a broken love, he should have paid more attention to the child\’s physical and mental development instead of always taking extra cultural lessons. Yes, children raised in fish tanks have been strictly controlled in their studies since childhood and have been well protected in their lives. They have no chance to experience life. Therefore, a little setback in life may be a hurdle that he cannot overcome in his life. Reminds me of a netizen’s story. Since she was a child, her mother never allowed her to participate in activities that had nothing to do with study, and she almost never went out to play with her classmates. Even during the holidays, when her classmates went on trips or attended summer camps, she could only stay at home, read and study. The teacher and her mother reported that \”the child is a bit introverted and not gregarious\”, but the mother did not take it seriously and believed that it would be better for the child to concentrate on learning. Growing up like this, she got good grades, but that was all she had. In high school, because her classmates said her teeth were ugly, she never smiled again. During military training in college, she ran too slowly and was scolded by the instructor. She cried all night. After work, she just had some conflicts with her colleagues. She was out of sorts all day and thought about quitting her job. Because of her fragile and sensitive personality, she often hits a wall at work and wants to shrink back and cry when something happens. She is also afraid of all social interactions, even acquaintances she has not heard from for a long time. She felt very tired every day and had a deep sense of powerlessness in life. She said: \”Some things are far more important than studying, but my parents never taught me.\” Yes, a child who cannot socialize cannot build his own social support system, nor can he gain social recognition at work. A child who only knows how to study is destined to fail in the big test of life. There are no answers in books to the problems children will encounter in the future. Raising children in a fish tank not only limits the child\’s vision, but also narrows the child\’s life circle and weakens the child\’s courage to resist difficulties. Instead of creating a \”fish tank\” for your children, it is better to create a \”runway\” for your children. In the first half of a child\’s life, his parents accompany him, but in the second half of his life, the child will eventually have to go on his own. So instead of building a “fish tank” for your children, it’s better to create a “runway” for your children. Only when a child develops a set of skills on the “track” we have created can he or she be able to compete on any track in society. Learn to let go three times and let your child be himself. Two days ago, a friend told me that his son was preparing for Peking University’s independent admissions exam. While I was envious, I was even more curious about how she raised children with excellent academic performance, confidence and cheerfulness. My friend said that there was no training and that the children were just allowed to make the decision. Give your children choices. Children can choose things on their own, such as which interest classes to attend, what extracurricular readings to read, how to allocate leisure time, etc. If you give him a choice, you give him trust. In order to live up to this trust, children tend to be more responsible for their choices. Give your children the right to try. Things your child wants to try, such as learning to dance, skating, participating in competitions, going camping with friends… while ensuring safety,She supports her children to give it a try. Only through trial and error can children continue to gain the power of growth. Give your children the right to decide. When it comes to children\’s choice of arts and sciences, what major to study, what kind of girl to choose for love… these are major issues in life, she only provides opinions without intervening, and fully respects the children. She said: \”A child can only be better responsible for himself by becoming himself.\” Yes! Parents respect their children from the bottom of their hearts, and children will often respond with greater surprises to their parents. Let your children go out more and see the world. \”Chinese model parent\” Liu Chenglian advocates that parents should give their children a broad world. Since her daughter was in elementary school, she has insisted on taking her daughter to see the world every Sunday, allowing her to learn through experience and practice, enriching her heart and broadening her horizons. When her daughter was under academic pressure, Liu Chenglian took her to fly to Inner Mongolia late at night just to realize her daughter\’s dream of watching a meteor shower. At 4 o\’clock in the morning, at minus 15 degrees Celsius, in the empty wilderness, a family of three cuddled up and felt the shock of meteors piercing the dark night. Liu Chenglian said: This is a very crazy decision, but if I could go back in time, I would still firmly choose to take my children. Because I know that such practical actions can better support the child\’s heart, which is far more effective than simple comfort. Under Liu Chenglian\’s training, her daughter\’s mentality became better and better, her grades steadily improved, and she was eventually admitted to Peking University. After a child has experienced all kinds of life, he will no longer be trapped in the sufferings in front of him and will be more calm and confident about the future. As parents, we can only let our children have more exposure to the world outside the classroom and enrich their hearts, so that they can better fight against the sky and the distance. Educator Montessori once said that every child is born with a spiritual embryo. No matter how \”reformed\” his parents try, he still wants to be himself in the end. Just like when these 20 depressed children were being treated, the instructor repeatedly suggested that parents need to further retreat when it comes to their children\’s growth. Because in a sense, the best help a family can provide is perhaps just being a \”companion.\” Only children who have a sense of control over themselves can find their own path. As parents, please remember: our children belong to tomorrow, to a tomorrow we cannot even dream of. The only thing we can do is to give him wings to soar in the sky of his dreams.