How to punish children for disobedience? Can parents spank their children?

Two days ago, my son and I had a fierce conflict. What happened was that I found him throwing the drinks bottles he had finished at home from the seventh floor. After throwing seven or eight bottles in a row, I happened to catch him when I returned home. After seeing my son\’s actions clearly, I was shocked and couldn\’t help but yell: \”What are you doing!\” Unexpectedly, my son turned around with an indifferent look on his face: \”Nothing, just I just think it\’s fun.\” Seeing him like this, I was so angry. But I still took a few deep breaths and patiently reasoned with him, telling him that this would not only injure others, but also pollute the community environment, which was a very dangerous behavior. But before I could finish my words, my son became impatient: \”It\’s not that exaggerated. You have to nag endlessly even if you throw a bottle.\” After hearing this, the child\’s grandma patted her son\’s head gently and scolded: \” Why is this child talking to your mother?\” As a result, these words completely angered the son, and he threw the last two bottles down with lightning speed. While throwing it, I said: \”Just throw it, just throw it, I want to see if it will kill someone?\” Looking at the naughty son in front of me, I couldn\’t help it anymore, stepped forward and gave him a hard beating. mouth. For a moment, my son and I were stunned. Then, he covered his face and ran back to the room and slammed the door. And I sat in the living room, letting regret, confusion and helplessness surround me little by little. I had promised my son before that no matter what happened, I would not do anything to him, but I didn\’t expect that I had broken this promise with my own hands. However, while I was tossing and turning, I accidentally came across a video of Professor Zeng Shiqiang. After reading it, I suddenly realized: It turns out that I have deeply misunderstood the matter of spanking children. Zeng Shiqiang, a former professor at Taiwan Chiao Tung University, talked about the issue of corporal punishment when children make mistakes in a lecture. http://www.doudehui.com/wp-content/uploads/2023/05/0c2966a61c9cbf8.mp4 He first expressed his point of view in one sentence: \”Whether to fight is not the issue, how to fight is the issue.\” Looking at Everyone looked puzzled. He took his own child as an example and gave a \”standard procedure\” for spanking children: when a child makes a mistake for the first time, parents have no reason to spank him. Instead, you should tell the child where he went wrong, and then ask the child to repeat it to deepen the impression. At the same time, we have to tell our children: \”Although you say you won\’t do it again now, in fact you may still do it, so you should remind yourself often in the future.\” Sure enough, it didn\’t take long for the child to make another mistake. At this time, we can ask him: \”How many times has this made a mistake?\” \”Do you think it is right?\” \”Will you change it in the future?\” But the most important thing is that we must remind the child: If there is another mistake, This time, I will definitely hit you. For no other reason than to make you remember. When the child offends again for the third time, we don’t need to reason or bargain with the child. Instead, let the child find something and let him decide which one is more appropriate. someA child who is \”thinking\” may find a newspaper. We don\’t need to be angry. We just need to calmly ask the child to change it. After choosing, ask the child \”where to hit\”, \”how many hits\” and so on. In the end, Zeng Shiqiang didn\’t really take action. He said: \”After talking for a long time, I didn\’t beat him because he was already tortured enough. The process is very important, but the result is not important, because it is the same whether he is beaten or not.\” In Zeng Shiqiang\’s view, many The reason why children remain stubborn after being spanked is because many parents spank them just for the sake of being spanked, which makes the children feel that the spanking is due to the parents\’ emotional management problems, rather than because they have done something wrong. Finally, he warned parents: We may not spank our children, but we should never say things like \”I will never spank you\” to our children. Because at all times, children must have a certain amount of respect for their parents. I have to say that although this video only lasted a few minutes, it completely overturned my original concept of education. My son\’s education has always been based on encouragement and praise. I always feel that children are still young, and as long as adults are patient and reasonable, children will understand. Only the most incompetent parents would do anything to their children. But in the end, reality slapped me hard in the face: my son became unable to speak, scold, or criticize. If he doesn\’t get his way at all, he will get angry. I remember a story I read on Zhihu before: A netizen was a \”naughty kid\” when he was a child, making a lot of noise every time he took the train. No matter how my mother tried to reason, it all fell on deaf ears. Until one time, my mother no longer indulged the netizen, but took him directly out of the car and said to him: \”I respect your desire to speak, but I also have to respect the rights of other people in the car not to be disturbed. Now it\’s okay , you can say whatever you want, and you won’t disturb others. When you finish speaking, we will buy tickets and leave.” That day, the netizen and his mother stayed at the station for more than 7 hours. It wasn\’t until he promised his mother that he would never disturb others with his noise that the two bought new tickets and left. Since then, netizens finally realized that my mother not only has a gentle and kind side, but also a side that speaks the truth. As a result, he got rid of his bad habit of making noise in public and gradually grew into a polite and educated person. In fact, the method has never been the key, whether it is appropriate corporal punishment or accompanying the child to reflect. Letting children feel fear and awe is the key to family education. Just like Qian Wenzhong, a professor at Fudan University, said: \”We have to tell our children that they have to pay a price for making mistakes. If an atmosphere of parents giving in to their children is formed in the whole society, future children will be very scary, and our future will be very scary. , children educated in this way will not be able to bear the burden of China\’s future development.\” When Professor Qian Wenzhong was talking about \”keeping filial piety\” in the \”Disciple Rules\”, he once asked his assistant to search for \”unfilial piety\” and \”killing the father\” within a year. The negative example and print it out. Unexpectedly, after a while, the assistant told him: \”There is not enough printing paper!\” How could this happen? According to Professor Qian Wenzhong, this is because we now have no control, inhibition and restraint on our children. Some people just give in in the name of love.step. So much so that children today cannot be hit or scolded. Even a wrong look from an adult may become a reason for a child to deliberately retaliate. But in fact, what stands between an ungrateful child and a criminal murderer is often a parent who refuses to beat, scold or punish, and who is reluctant to even say harsh words. In the program \”Round Table Party\”, the host Dou Wentao shared his experience of being beaten: If he made a mistake as a child, his father would definitely beat him. But my father\’s beating was an \”art\”: my father would first pick up something, swing it around for a long time, and finally land it on himself. This time, it usually doesn\’t cause any serious harm. The whole process, although the thunder was loud and the raindrops were small, was more like a \”scare\”, but it made the young Dou Wentao clearly understand that this matter was serious, and thus learned to reflect and be in awe. Professor Li Meijin, who has long been engaged in research on adolescent psychological problems, agrees very much with this. She said: \”In addition to love, when a person grows up, there is also respect and fear. If a child breaks the law, punishment is actually a kind of protection, letting him know to be afraid. We can make thunder loud and rain small, but also That is to say, this ritual makes him look very scary. In the end, the punishment will be lenient, which will make him really regret it and never dare to do it again. If he really doesn\’t dare, then he will be protected.\” As the old saying goes, An adult is not comfortable, and being comfortable is not an adult. A good education not only includes gentle advice, but also thunderous admonitions and punishments. Only by letting children know that there are certain things they cannot do and certain mistakes they cannot make can they grow into a complete person. This is the same all over the world. This is true even for Western countries that strongly advocate democracy and freedom. For example, the British House of Representatives passed a regulation to the effect that teachers are allowed to use necessary means, including physical contact, to force undisciplined students to comply with discipline if their persuasion fails. For another example, primary and secondary schools in Singapore will hang a ruler on the wall behind the classroom. It is said that when a child behaves badly, he or she should be spanked three times as required. However, only the palms of the hands are allowed to be slapped, not the backs of the hands, and it is only allowed to be performed when two teachers are present. In fact, no child in this world is immune to mistakes. It\’s just that some mistakes may not be harmful if they are made; but some mistakes are related to the bottom line and must not be laughed off. When parents punish their children for making mistakes, they are not being ruthless. Rather, they are protecting their children, helping them establish a correct view of right and wrong, and learn to abide by and respect the rules. So, how should we punish children so as to achieve the educational effect without excessively harming them? People\’s Daily also summarized 9 scientific methods of punishing children: Czech educator Comenius once said: \”People who make mistakes should be punished, but the reason why they are punished is not because they made mistakes, but because they made mistakes.\” We need to prevent them from making mistakes in the future.\” After realizing this, I wrote a letter overnight and placed it on my son\’s bedside. In the letter, I told him: \”Mom once said that she would be friends with you, but she forgot to tell you that there are prerequisites for being friends: I am your good friend, but before that, I am still your good teacher. .I am always obliged to correct your mistakes.Okay, even if it\’s in the form of punishment. In short, I love you, but I will never indulge you again. \”The next day, my son took the initiative to find me and told me that he had written a letter of apology and wanted to post it in the elevator. Then he promised me that he would go downstairs to pick up the bottles that had been thrown away. Looking at my son\’s slight smile, With his head and sincere expression, I believe he must have realized his mistake this time. I hope that after reading my story, every parent can learn to fill their children\’s childhood with the brush of love and rules, so that our children can become A person who abides by rules, is sensible, and knows reverence will move towards a broader world. Click \”Like\” at the end of the article to encourage all parents.