How to raise a child to be a loser

\”My parents left and I became useless.\” The recently popular suspense drama \”The Lost Child\” tells the story of a child who disappeared in the corridor. The police uncovered the real life of several families in this unit by peeling off the cocoon. Among them, Yuan Wu, played by Wei Chen, is a hollow-eyed, skinny \”top student\” who is called \”the waste of the year\” by netizens. His grades have been good since he was a child, and he got perfect marks in the college entrance examination in mathematics. He has always been \”someone else\’s kid.\” But behind the excellence, there are also huge holes. His parents took good care of him, and his mother would arrange almost everything for him. Even what she said during the blind date, who she married, and what the wedding ring looked like were all decided by her mother. The only time he rebelled in his life was when he lost all his money in gambling and his wife and children were separated. His parents took him away from home and started over in a place where no one knew him. It seems that a new place can start a new life. In fact, his life was ruined at a very young age. When his mother was alive, she often said to him sadly, \”What will you do if I leave?\” After his mother left, he still had his father! How to Cultivate Children\’s Concentration Training Manual Video Course Section 53 Yuan Wu and his father depended on each other. He was unable to communicate normally with others and was not qualified for any job. I can only lie to my father that I go to work every day, but in fact I go to play mahjong from 9 to 5. He and his father\’s basic livelihood depended on his father\’s meager pension. That night, his father said to him sadly, \”What will you do if dad leaves?\” and then fell asleep. Now that his parents are gone, he is the only one in the world. He didn\’t dare call the police because he was afraid that if he declared his death, he would lose his father\’s pension. Accidentally discovering that the bathroom wall was empty, he thought of a way: hide his father in the wall, and then create the illusion that his father was still alive. Behind the story, there are a series of bizarre twists and turns. This seemingly sensational story is actually just an enhanced version of our lives. Parents work hard to give their children the best and to make their children better and better. Unexpectedly, the child was raised into a giant baby. Those adults who appear to have well-developed limbs, excellent grades, and suits and ties are actually babies waiting to be fed on the inside. \”Invisible waste\” is not uncommon. Maybe you will say: After his father is gone, he can go out to work on his own, whether it is delivering food or moving bricks! But what if he is just a two or three-year-old child? You ask him to be independent, you ask him to take care of himself, but he can\’t do it. Yuan Wu\’s heart and personality are really only two or three years old. From the time he was born to the time his parents passed away, he was never separated from his parents. After his father passed away, he hid his father at home, ostensibly to defraud him of his pension. In fact, from a psychological level, he could not be separated from his parents. He puts on his father\’s clothes and hat, which symbolically means that he has become one with his parents. It sounds horrifying, but what\’s even more horrifying is that such a thing is happening around us. As early as 2005, Douban had a discussion group called \”Home Squatting Self-Rescue Alliance\”, in which more than 50,000 people joined together to help themselves. \”Wealth of the Times\”\”Jing\” interviewed several \”gnawing old people\”, and their experiences were real and heart-wrenching. Xiao Su, who dropped out of school after her freshman year, has been living with the disease for six years. She cannot work normally or communicate with others normally. She was not very grateful for her parents\’ contribution, but felt that \”she did not do it to burden me, and I couldn\’t spend much money, but also for herself.\” Xiao Su believed that she had some philosophical talents and published a poem on Douban It\’s a long article, and the thinking is quite deep. But when people encouraged her to engage in freelance work related to thinking and writing, she said she didn\’t want to follow the crowd. 24-year-old Xiao Chen chose to return to his hometown after being frustrated in his hard work in Shenzhen. Her parents supported her decision and thought it would be best for the girl to go home early, get married and have children, and stabilize. To show support, her parents gave her 5,000 yuan a month. Xiao Chen said, \”I may be a bit bad. I feel like they just want to keep me like this and make me feel that my home is good and the outside is bad.\” But when Xiao Chen was in college, her parents were very stingy with her. She only had 1,000 RMB for a month of school in Guangzhou. For living expenses, she has to work part-time to support herself. This is the traditional model of many Chinese parents: imposing economic sanctions when you have no financial means. When you have the ability to be independent, implement moral kidnapping. It\’s heartbreaking and heartbreaking. While parents look forward to their children\’s success, they are also afraid that their children will fly too high. While the child despises the restraints of his parents, he feels at peace with himself. When do children who cannot grow up become useless? If the examples in the news seem unbelievable to you, then think about it. Are there any children in our lives who still ask for money from their parents after working? Are there any people who are lifeless and play games every day? Are there any mama boys who don’t wash the dishes for several days and whose limbs are so developed that they can’t take care of themselves? Those children who cannot grow up, those adults who are called \”giant babies\” and \”mom\’s babies\” do not start to become useless now. Their lives may have been empty and powerless from very early on. As a child grows up, he has a very important task, which is to complete his self-identity. They will repeatedly switch between \”I am capable\” and \”I am incompetent\” and reflect on temptations. The normal growth process is that children have a sense of omnipotence and feel that they can do anything. Then I get frustrated in the outside world and feel frustrated that \”I can\’t do it.\” Then parents accept the child\’s powerlessness, let the child feel strength, let the child understand that \”you will still be loved if you can\’t do well\”, and let the child believe that \”I can do better.\” In this process of repeated frustration and repeated support, the child completes his self-identity and begins to confirm that \”I am capable.\” But in fact, many parents themselves are weak and do not have the strength to bear the powerlessness of their children. When the child was two or three years old, the parents thought the child made a mess while eating, and then chased after him to feed him. Their original idea of ​​\”I can do it\” was extinguished and turned into \”I can\’t do it well.\” When the child is eight or nine years old, the parents complain that the child\’s homework is not well written, and then they yell at the child to hurry up. They originally thought \”this is my business\”, but gradually changed to \”my homework is for my parents.\” \”. When the child is in his twenties, the parents feel that the child has not chosen a good job or found a suitable partner.Okay, just choose the \”appropriate\” one for them. Their original feeling of \”this is my life\” has turned into \”I have no ability to decide my own life.\” In the temptation of \”I can\” and \”I can\’t\”, the child gradually begins to agree with \”I can\’t\”. Just like Xiao Su mentioned earlier, she said she wanted to do something different and be a deep thinker. But when she discovered her talent for writing, she backed down. When a person subconsciously feels \”I can\’t do it\”, any talent will no longer work. What\’s wrong with loving children? In this process, parents seem to be working hard like old scalpers, but in fact they also benefit from it. In life, we often see this scene: a mother is still chasing after her child to feed him when he is four or five years old. She would complain to people about how tired she was and how hard it was to chase after feeding her every day. Then when I get home, I will still chase my child and feed him mouth after mouth. This is actually a proud oath: without me, the child would not even be able to eat. I work so hard for my children, how great I am! Parents\’ high concentration of love for their children is actually due to fear that they are not good enough. Whether it is arranging or controlling, the essence is that parents cannot face their own \”I am not good\”. They create a child with insufficient abilities, which is tiring but profitable. The advantage is that they enjoy their own sense of greatness, sacrifice, and worth. They subconsciously feel: \”I have worked so hard, who dares to say that I am unqualified as a parent?\” The pathological symbiotic relationship between parents and children is to feed each other, consume each other, and benefit each other. Children consume their autonomy in life, suck their parents\’ money and energy, and bear all their parents\’ emotions. Parents consume time, money and energy, enjoy the supreme sense of morality, and have children who are always loyal. The result of pathological symbiosis is that parents and children are both aggrieved: children feel that their parents are a disaster and that their parents have ruined them; parents feel that they have worked so hard, why can\’t their children live up to their expectations? There is nothing wrong with love, but the fault lies in boundaries. The grievances of parents and children have their own reasons. It\’s not that children don\’t love their parents, but they satisfy their parents\’ sense of value and express their absolute loyalty to their parents by making themselves incompetent. It’s not that parents don’t love their children, they just don’t understand what true love is. They just can’t find their own sense of value in life. Whether parents love their children or children love their parents, there is nothing wrong with love itself. Although there is nothing wrong with love, if the concentration of love is too high, it will hurt people. After a certain level, the more you love, the more you control. The so-called \”certain degree\” probably refers to the sense of boundaries between parents and children. This limit is difficult for us to measure with numbers, so how should we grasp it? Perhaps the most appropriate approach is – your child is not your child. Don\’t treat your child as your whole life, but treat him as your best friend and a foster child in your home. How would you treat a child who lives in your home? How would you communicate with him if he does something wrong? This may be the appropriate standard. As for yourself, you can have more energy to find your own value and live a better life.Live your life well. A comfortable relationship is refreshing, a painful relationship is sticky. If both parents and children feel pain, it is a reminder to you: the distance is too close, please keep the distance between cars.