How to raise a child with inner security? Please consider these 3 sentences as your mantra

In today’s article, let’s talk about security. Security is not a new topic. It has been mentioned often since parents began to pay attention to their children\’s inner world. For children, love and security are essential nutrients for their growth. Only when children have a sense of security can they explore the world with greater peace of mind and freedom. So, how to give children a sense of security? In addition to parents\’ emotional stability, companionship, and creating a good living environment, we also need some sincere expressions of love. For example, remember to say the following three sentences often. The first sentence: \”Don\’t be afraid, dad/mom is here.\” Before children explore the world, they need to have a sense of security as a guarantee. Parents who have taught their children to ride a bicycle may have this experience: when they first learn to ride a bicycle, the child is afraid of falling and will ask his parents to hold on to the back seat of the bicycle: \”Dad, you have to hold on to me!\” Don\’t be afraid, I\’m protecting you from behind!\” Only after receiving the adult\’s assurance and confirming that the adult will follow behind, the child dared to leave the ground and step on the pedals. This feeling of \”peace of mind\” and \”someone will catch you at any time\” is a sense of security, which gives children the confidence and courage to move forward. Another example: Parents take their children to the park for the first time. There are various novelties suitable for children to play on the lawn of the park. Parents encourage their children to explore the surroundings on their own, and the children happily run to play, occasionally running back to their parents, and then running out to continue their play activities. If a parent suddenly disappears for a long time, the child will fall into anxiety and immediately lose interest in playing. They will always linger around adults, not daring to go far. They are afraid that if they turn around, their parents will disappear again. Developmental psychologist Susan Engel once mentioned in a summary of her research results: \”Insecure children rarely gather information through physical and psychological exploration.\” In other words, children can only confirm that safety is guaranteed Only then will the curiosity to explore independently and the courage to face difficulties sprout. When children are young, they confirm this frequently. This also requires parents to provide timely comfort and be close to their children gently. When they need to be separated from their children, they do not lie to them or sneak away when they are not paying attention. When they change caregivers for a short time, they can also tell their children well why they need to be separated. Leave for how long you need to leave. As the child grows up, parents must also use other methods to let the child know that you are his support and you will be with him. Some parents often equate their children\’s crying and clingy behavior with a lack of security. In fact, children who truly lack a sense of security are full of distrust in the world in front of them. They repeatedly confirm the existence of their parents because they do not trust their existence; they cannot integrate into interpersonal relationships because they are afraid of being hurt. Giving children a sense of security is actually about making them trust us. How to do it? When they make mistakes, get into trouble, when they encounter difficulties or fail, tell them: \”Don\’t be afraid, dad/mom is here.\” This is not to condone the children\’s mistakes, but to provide the children with warmth and strength to accompany them. When he faces growth challenges, let him know: you are willing to face them with himRight question. Just imagine how reassuring it would be if someone around you repeatedly told you: \”Don\’t be afraid, I\’m here\” when you are scared. Children will also gain a sense of security by feeling the courage of their parents to protect them from words like this. The second sentence: \”In front of dad/mom, you can cry or not be strong…\” When everyone was growing up, almost everyone heard their parents say something like this: \”If you cry again, I will throw you here!\” Fear of being abandoned The child tried hard to hold back his tears; \”What\’s the point of crying over such a trivial matter? There\’s no future!\” The child who was denied his emotions began to deny himself; \”Crying can\’t solve the problem, be strong!\” The child slowly learned to tolerate it, no matter how much it happened, All the emotions were bottled up in my heart. The subtext of this response is: \”Crying will lead to ridicule and criticism, and showing vulnerability means it is unsafe.\” It brings a lot of shame and pain to children, especially sensitive children. Over time, they will avoid certain things. Emotions, whether at home or outside, always hide one\’s true feelings, and are very afraid of being attacked or rejected by others. There is a passage in the book \”Seeing the Child\” that puts it particularly well: \”If parents can understand certain emotions of their children (that is, be interested in these emotions and therefore not reject them), the children will know that the corresponding self in their hearts is safe. cute, valuable; if parents use suppression, punishment, rejection to respond to certain emotions of their children, or try to change them, children will understand that the corresponding selves in their hearts are dangerous, bad, and unacceptable. Cute and beyond the limit. \”To have a stable sense of security, it is important for children to feel that they are psychologically supported, seen, and understood. This requires parents to actively pay attention to their children\’s feelings, accept their children\’s various emotions, and establish a secure attachment relationship. When your child loses control of his emotions, stay with him quietly: \”I know you are sad. You can cry in front of me and I will stay with you.\” This feeling of being loved and accepted will make the child\’s heart full of joy. Strength not only prevents you from becoming weak, but you can also learn to be truly strong when you grow up. If a child can freely express his emotions in the family and does not carefully hide his emotions, it means that the family is safe for him. The third sentence: \”I am really happy to have a child like you.\” A young friend said to me: \”My relationship with my parents has always been very rough, and neither party is very good at expressing love.\” Until he did it himself After I lost my parents, I discovered the heavy, unspoken love. My friend’s experience is a true portrayal of many Chinese families. The sense of security that children need is actually nothing more than two words: being loved. However, in many families, there is so little expression of love that many children do not know that their parents are happy and proud of their existence. Some parents even show \”no love\” in their daily words and deeds. Some parents hope to raise excellent children and put forward various strict requirements for their children. When the children perform well, love will be abundant. When the children perform poorly, the love will be withdrawn and turned into ridicule and criticism. The message parents send to their children is: If you meet my requirements, I will love you. Although this is notThis is not the parent\’s intention, but when adults place too much emphasis on external standards, love slowly becomes conditional on achievement. The result is that children lack true love and cannot find a sense of belonging. They strive to pursue perfection, but cannot cover up the emptiness in their hearts. When they cannot achieve perfection, it will trigger a strong sense of shame and despair. But what parents mean to their children is exactly the opposite: I will always love you, no matter whether you are good or not. Wu Eun-young and Cha Sang-mi, the authors of \”The Gentle Upbringing\” wrote: Please call your child \”my baby\” and tell him: \”I am really happy to have a child like you.\” Such sincere words may be able to Convey important meaning. The expression of words may be a little pale, but it is also indispensable. When the child encounters difficulties: \”Don\’t be afraid, we are behind you to support you!\” When the child makes a mistake: \”Doing something wrong will not affect my love for you.\” When the child succeeds: \”I love you, we I\’m proud of you. \”Love should be spoken out loud and let the children feel it. Words of love come together to make the children feel the love and warmth. Such words are the source of children\’s sense of security. It is not unconditional satisfaction for children, but a kind of supporting force that allows children to maintain their psychological defense no matter how difficult they encounter in their growth. This is a gift that all children should receive. . Feeling this kind of love from an early age will give your children a sense of security and allow them to be themselves with peace of mind. At the end of the article, I share a poem by Todd Parr, the best-selling American children\’s book author. I believe that these simple words are what every insecure child longs to hear: I love you, silly, too. I love you who is sad. I love you who are timid, and I love you who are brave. I love you when you are not with me, and I love you when you are by my side. I love you when you are sleeping, and I love you when you don’t want to sleep. I love you dancing with us and loving you walking with me. I love you when you are sick and I love you when you are healthy. I love you who gives me lots of kisses, and I love you who wants me to hug you. I love the you who shares with others, and I love the shy you. I love you playing hide and seek with me, and I love you making new friends. I love you when you are smelly, and I also love you when you are clean. I love you who cook with me, and I love you who enjoy delicious food with me. I love you as a toddler and I love you in your stroller. Most importantly, I love you just the way you are.