How to raise a happy child

I believe many parents have heard of the BBC documentary \”Seven Years in the Life\”. The director selects children from different classes and races and visits them every seven years to show their growth trajectories. Last year, \”Seven Years of a New Life\”, which was filmed since 2000, was officially completed. With a high score of 9 on Douban and 9.9 on Bilibili, it once again ranked first among the \”Top 10 Must-See Documentaries in the World\”. Compared with the old version, the new version focuses on the \”post-90s\” children who are closer to us and the problems they encounter are more similar to us. Under the camera, the education methods of 19 families can be seen at a glance. They include elite families with both intellectuals, single-parent families who are divorced and widowed, poor families struggling at the bottom of society, and ordinary families that make up the vast majority of the population. When it comes to educating children, every family has its own unique style, and the children\’s growth trajectories are also exciting in their own way. But looking at those children who have tasted the sweetness of life and gained happiness when they grow up, we can find that every parent has experienced three disappointments during the growth period of their children. The earlier it is discovered and accepted, the better the child will be. The first disappointment: Children will eventually run counter to their parents’ expectations. Every parent imagines what their children will look like in the future, but few parents’ expectations coincide with their children’s dreams. At the parent-teacher meeting before the holiday, the teacher once led us to do a small interaction: parents wrote down their children\’s dreams on paper to see if they could guess the answers the children had written in advance. I was full of confidence at the time, thinking that my son, who was very passionate about aerospace, would definitely dream of becoming an astronaut. Unexpectedly, when the answer was revealed, what his son wrote was \”become a designer\”. There are 40 students in a class, and not a single parent guesses their child’s dream. The same goes for the British family in the documentary. Oliver, the second-generation rich man with the best family background, disdains his parents\’ arrangements. His father is a lawyer and his mother is a director of Harrods Department Store (the world\’s most prestigious department store). The family lives in a villa in the center of London. It can be said that he is a well-educated family. His parents were relatively forward-thinking and expected him to become a \”social elite\”, either a Wall Street tycoon or a famous barrister. In short, he must reach the top of the pyramid. But Oliver\’s dream is to be an inventor, or an artist. Because in his concept, making money? That would be too boring. Sanchez, whose parents were divorced and his family was poor, had completely different ideas than his parents expected. His father is a dance teacher. In order to realize his dream of inheriting his father\’s career, his father taught Sanchez dance since he was a child. While he did have a natural talent for dancing, Sanchez\’s greatest love was football. In his heart, family comes first and football comes second. His love for football goes far beyond dancing, and his future dreams are all related to football. As a parent, it is human nature to hope that your children will succeed. Therefore, we always use our own thinking to plan a \”shortcut\” in life for our children. Unfortunately, not all children dream of becoming a \”dragon\”. Psychologist Winnicott once proposed the concept of \”good enough mother\”, which includes parents\’ sense of propriety: parents can have expectations for their children, but they must respect their children and have the final say in control.The decision-making power must be in the hands of the child. It is true that parents\’ love for their children is a nature that is difficult to control, but far-sighted parents know that all love in this world has expectations, but true love is learning to digest disappointment. In a child\’s life, he is the only one who bears the consequences. Only by letting go and giving him the right to dream and the courage to explore the world can the child sail away with peace of mind and grow wings to soar. The second disappointment: Parents’ right to speak has a limit. Professor Li Meijin once said: “Before the age of 6, parents’ nagging and words are gold. After the age of 12, parents’ words are garbage.” As children grow up, Many parents are still using the same education methods as when they were children. Parent-child war is about to break out, but parents never realize that their right to speak has expired. Children entering adolescence have begun to pursue self-awareness. From dressing inwardly to making friends outwardly, they will have their own thoughts and personalized requirements. The relationship between them and their parents is no longer about obedience, but \”selective obedience\” only when their parents are on their side. Those children who still maintain a good relationship with their parents are basically because their parents are willing to respect their wishes, be friends with them, and agree with their choices and decisions. Once their parents are on the opposite side of them, their words will quickly become \”ineffective\”. Stacey, who lives in New Mills, claims that she and her mother are \”good friends who talk about everything.\” Because no matter what decision she makes, her mother will support her unconditionally. Whenever she encounters difficulties and setbacks, her mother will give her loving encouragement and strength. But even so, they often quarrel over trivial matters such as \”time to go out\” and \”style of clothes\”. Every time before going out to play, her mother would ask her what time she must be home. But in the eyes of an adolescent daughter, such restrictions are tantamount to a \”curse\” that destroys the relationship between mother and daughter: \”She would say a time, but I didn\’t reply on time.\” Coincidentally. Tallon from Cornwall also said that if parents can always support and recognize themselves, their family relationship will be very harmonious. He loves organized and disciplined military training, understands the importance of learning to himself, and takes a prestigious university as his goal. But Taron rebelled when his mother forced him to eat a sandwich he didn\’t want to eat. When his mother threatened him: \”Either you eat it or throw it away.\” Tarun turned around and dumped the food on the plate into the trash can. As children grow older, parents\’ right to speak begins to lose its validity. Unfortunately, few parents notice this and will habitually control their children\’s lives, only to receive rebellious resistance. American anthropologist Margaret Mead once proposed \”prefigurative culture\”, which roughly means that in traditional societies, parents are given irresistible authority, and younger generations need to learn from their elders\’ experiences. Therefore, in the past education, parents’ orders could not be violated. But in contemporary society, with the advancement of technology and the development of the times, the information that children have access to is becoming more and more comprehensive. Their way of understanding the world has changed from relying solely on their parents\’ teachings to being able to explore independently. This has led to their parents\’ understanding of the world in their minds.No longer authoritative. Therefore, the right given by God to parents to educate their children is usually only valid for about ten years. Whether used or not, it expires on time like food. At this time, parents do not need to be disappointed or panic, and stand calmly with their children and give them the strongest support and warmest encouragement. This is the best education. The third disappointment: Throughout their lives, our children can only become ordinary people. There is a picture that has been circulated on the Internet. I believe every parent has experienced it. From kindergarten, \”My child must be a genius\” to adulthood, \” It’s enough to get married smoothly”. The same is true for Owen\’s parents in the documentary. The difference is that their disillusionment is that they are about to reach the top but then fall to the bottom. Owen, who was born in a sports family, has shown extraordinary athletic talent since he was a child. He is proficient in swimming, football, tennis, golf… almost everything. His parents devoted all their energy to raising Owen to be an athlete. Little Owen lived up to his mission and won many awards at a young age. He even became the British Youth Swimming Champion at the age of 12. But his fate was unsatisfactory. The 21-year-old Owen was crushed by the swimming team with many experts. Although he trained hard every day, he could not meet the preparation standards and could only withdraw with regret. The sports dream that persisted for more than ten years was forced to end. Although they could not hide their disappointment, Irving\’s parents still chose to encourage him. After ending his sports career, Irving chose to work in a bank, working an average of 12 hours a day. Although it was hard, this was life. The fall of the genius boy is a trick of fate, and it is also a reflection of reality. No pair of parents, not even the social elite, can keep their children within their own expectations forever. Just like the enviable rich second generation Oliver. His parents planned an \”elite route\” for him: from a top private kindergarten, to the famous Eton College, to Yale University, and later to an elite career in a famous company. He lived a life that was envied by countless people and made a lot of money, but he said that he had seen \”the end of life\” at a glance and was depressed all day long. Because he couldn\’t find any passion in his work, and at the same time, his intimate relationships were also handled in a mess. He had been short of love since he was a child, and he had repeatedly hit the wall in love. The longest relationship only lasted a few weeks. The status of \”social elite\” expected by his parents was a constraint for him. In the end, the 28-year-old Oliver chose to resign from a famous company and return to school to study for a doctorate. During this period of study when his life was restarted, he finally found his true self. In writing, he enjoyed unprecedented satisfaction. In the future, his dream is to become a writer. Different from the dream he had when he was 7 years old, this dream is something he dares to pursue and can pursue. He also met the girl he liked, and they cooked, walked, and read together… Compared with the days when he made a lot of money every day, doing the things he liked and being with the people he liked was the life he really wanted. . You see, no one does not desire success, but unfortunately, 90% of people will eventually fall into mediocrity. As parents, what we can do is not to raise our children to be the adults we expect.Instead, after seeing the reality clearly and accepting the ordinary, we create all possible conditions for the children and guide them to live a wonderful life in their own world. I am reminded of Gibran\’s words: \”Your children are not actually your children. They are children born of life\’s desire for itself. They come to this world through you, but not because of you, and they do not belong to you when they are around you.\” You.\” As parents, when we bring a little life into the world, we are always full of expectations. But in the documentary \”Seven Years of a New Life\”, after watching their life journey from the ages of 7 to 28, we may be able to get a glimpse of some truth: no matter how big the gap between family and class is, these children eventually became ordinary people. But what is valuable is that, despite being ordinary, they eventually grow into people with the ability to be happy. As parents, we cannot protect our children throughout their lives. But in day-to-day education, we can turn disappointment into hope, turn blows into encouragement, and stand together with our children to face the risks of growth together. Click \”Like\” and hope that our children can have the ability to embrace happiness. Even if you are ordinary, you can bravely move forward on your own life path and rush to the mountains and seas.