How we destroy our children with verbal violence

Violent education is devastating to a child; verbal violence is even more harmful to a child. Recently, a video was circulated on the Internet, and many people shuddered after watching it. In a supermarket in Thailand, the son was addicted to games and the father was furious. \”If you have the guts, don\’t live anymore!\” After his father said these words, he loaded the pistol and put it on the counter, and turned to leave. The son picked up the pistol, pointed it at his own head and pulled the trigger…suicide. A few words can summarize what happened, but they cannot summarize the boy\’s despair and pain. When all the emotions of being despised and resented by your loved ones, despairing of your own inferiority, and revenge on those who hurt you, are piled together, there happens to be the most effective weapon next to you. So a fresh life ended, and a tragic family reincarnation began… Language can give people warmth. Indifferent language is a kind of violence, an invisible way of killing without any trace, but it has the power to destroy a person. How harmful is verbal violence to a person? Zhihu netizen Lu Qiu said: \”The days when you are good to me in the future will all be like an illusion.\” I will take everything you say seriously. When I was young and ignorant, parents were the gods in their children\’s minds, and their words were the truth. Every word, deed, and even an expression of a parent will have a subtle impact on the child\’s character shaping. As Professor Susan Forward said in her book \”The Toxic Parent\”: \”Children cannot distinguish between facts and jokes. They will believe what their parents say about them and make it their own ideas.\” If your parents tell you that you are smart since you were a child, you will subconsciously think that you are such a smart person, so you will always behave smart because you feel that it is like you. If your parents always criticize you viciously for being stupid, when you grow up you will think that it is accidental when you are smart and you feel like you when you are clumsy. We have to admit that corporal punishment of children by parents is no longer the mainstream, and soft violence – verbal violence is rampant. Someone defined verbal violence: \”The use of uncivilized language such as ridicule, insult, slander, slander, discrimination, contempt, intimidation, etc., causing others to feel mental and psychological pain and harm.\” Some empirical studies done by psychologists It shows that children who grow up in a family environment where verbal violence is often practiced are more likely to develop the following behaviors: self-denial, doubt, negativity, inability to control emotions, inability to clearly express their needs, violence, evasion of responsibility, and inability to deal with normal situations. There is a strong positive correlation between interpersonal relationships, even juvenile delinquency, and exposure to verbal violence in childhood. The silver medal-winning work \”Verbal Violence\” at the 57th Cannes Lions International Festival of Creativity is proof of this. Director Xie Yong investigated six teenagers detained in the Shenyang Juvenile Detention Center and found that they had all suffered intensive and brutal verbal violence attacks from their parents: \”shameful\”, \”pig brain\”, \”trash\”, \”why don\’t you go\” \”Death\”… These insults and complaints pushed them into endless darkness and suffered psychological torture.Torture, ultimately leading to a big mistake. 10 Spells to Destroy a Child I recently read a story on the Internet: There was a Beijing girl named Lin Yingying who lived with her parents in a courtyard house when she was a child. Both parents were teachers and were modest people, but they were strict in disciplining their children, believing that \”strictness is love, while laxity is harm.\” One day, Yingying, who was already in elementary school, wet the bed. She was nervous and shy. Her mother was very angry at the time. She stood in the yard clearing the bedding and complained in front of the neighbors: \”Such a big girl is still peeing on the bed, and other 2-year-old children are better than her!\” Now, Lin Yingying, who is 36 years old, can still remember that time Feeling: \”I want to find a crack in the ground to crawl in. The neighbors are listening to my mother yelling in the yard, and my friends are laughing at me. I feel like I have been stripped naked and stand there without any dignity…\” Worse Yes, Yingying has always had incontinence problems as an adult, and even after seeing many doctors, there was no improvement. For this reason, she has been unable to get married. For a long time, she and her parents thought it was a physical problem. It wasn\’t until she saw a psychiatrist that she realized that the problem was largely mental and directly related to the tremendous pressure she endured as a child. She said she would never be able to forgive her mother in this life… It can be seen from this that there is no comparison between verbal violence and corporal punishment. The most lethal? I think it\’s language, it\’s a kind of sustained mental damage, which is more terrifying than physical violence. Because words cut directly into people\’s hearts, they are more penetrating than swords. I have a good friend whose parents have always pursued a persecutory education, accompanied by sarcasm, ridicule and complaints. She has always lived in the shadow of \”other people\’s children\”, and even now she still gets choked up when talking about her childhood, which is really heartbreaking. She didn\’t want children because she thought she would do to her children what her mother did to her, and she didn\’t want that. Yes, these unhealed traumas, if we do not block and correct them, will be copied to our next generation. I want to say this is really a tragedy. Someone jokingly summarized the \”Essentials for Parents: How to Destroy Your Children\” cheat sheet. The first trick is to make your children feel that they can’t survive without you. Often say to your children: \”If it weren\’t for me and your dad, would you be living so comfortably?\” The second trick is to often mention other people\’s children. I often say to my children: \”Look at Xiao Wang next door. He graduated from Harvard. Why did you graduate from Lanxiang?\” The third trick is to portray yourself as a victim of the family. I often say to my children: \”I smashed the pot and sold the iron, and I ate the chaffy vegetables so that you could study abroad!\” The fourth trick is to maintain dignity and never speak kindly. Often say to the child: \”Why did I give birth to a stupid thing like you?\” The fifth step is to determine the child\’s fate. I often say to my children: \”You just take the civil service exam, and that\’s it.\” The sixth tip is to learn to express your anger to your children. I often say to my children: \”I work so hard overtime every day, can you save me some trouble?\” The seventh trick is to make the children look embarrassed in the name of modesty. I often say to my children: \”He/she can\’t do anything. Where can I do it?\” The eighth step is to have a grandchild as the ultimate goal. I often say to my children: \”You are already in your twenties, when are you going to give birth?\” The ninth trick is to put invisible pressure on your children. often say to children: \”Your mother and I are old, who can we rely on if not you?\” The tenth move is to always emphasize that you are the one who knows your children best. You often say to your children: \”I am your mother. I don\’t understand you, who understands you?\” If you do the above, congratulations, you have successfully destroyed your child. We are not perfect, please bear with each other. I saw a comment on the Douban psychological counseling group: \”I also thought about blaming my parents. When I first started receiving psychological counseling, I usually asked about my childhood experiences. I found that many things were related to When I was young, my parents had something to do with me. I couldn’t help but wonder: Is it because you didn’t care enough about me before that I became like this now?” Later, I heard a sentence from an aunt, and I felt like I suddenly understood. . This is what she said to her son: \”You are a son for the first time, and I am a mother for the first time. Please be more considerate.\” Yes, they are both parents for the first time, and they are learning as they go. Not perfect, just like we are not perfect either. As a parent, you must first learn to control your emotions. Every parent is under pressure from all aspects of society. If negative emotions are not released, they will be transmitted to the people they love most, and their children will suffer. Adults must learn to control their emotions and temper. If they cannot control it, stay away from children to prevent them from becoming cannon fodder. Tell your children that they are not in a good mood recently, but it has nothing to do with you. Just let me be quiet for a while. This way, I will avoid conflicts, and you will also demonstrate the correct way to deal with emotions for your children. How great. If you couldn\’t help but said something you shouldn\’t have said, make up for it in time and apologize to your child as soon as possible. There is nothing shameful in apologizing. Secondly, allow children to make mistakes. Every mistake is an opportunity for children to grow themselves. Just like when a child learns to walk, he must experience falling. It is in the process of falling and getting up that he learns to control the balance of his body. When children make mistakes, they themselves will also be hit. If parents can squat down, speak softly, and affirm their children\’s efforts, they will give their children the courage and energy to face difficulties. Third, parents need a life independent of their children. Children are the bond of parents, but not everything. To have the life you want is to be responsible for yourself and your children. The most precious gift parents give their children is to allow them to view themselves positively. The world of a child is a blank sheet of paper. If you give him love, he will inherit love and love others; if you give him hate and inflict violence on him, he will also hate others and inflict violence on others. Violent education is devastating to a child; verbal violence is even more harmful to a child. The goal of education is, first of all, to make children become a person with a sound personality. Only the weak use violence, and good parents will only give their children more love and tolerance.