I plan to give my child a gift: stop yelling

How does it feel to yell at your child? A few days ago, a mother left a message saying: Her son is going to school these days, but he has not done his homework during the summer vacation. He is afraid of the teacher’s criticism and does not go to school at home. I got angry just thinking about it, and then I yelled at my child hard. A meal. As a result, he didn\’t say a word and stared at himself. Really don\’t know what to do. Although I have vowed countless times in my heart not to yell at my children, I can\’t control it every time. I remember one time I read in my son\’s composition: The way my mother gets angry is the most terrifying, as if a pair of big hands is strangling my neck, making me unable to breathe, which scares me. After seeing this, I felt very regretful, because in the eight years since I took care of my children, I no longer remember how many times I yelled at my children. What saddens me the most is that many times the tantrum is not the child\’s problem, but my own bad mood. The child becomes the innocent scapegoat. The common feelings of countless yelling mothers are: uncomfortable, regretful, and really want to cover their mouths with tape when they yell. I obviously want to love you well, but why do I always hurt you unconsciously? Therefore, after their children fall asleep, many parents look at their children who are sleeping peacefully, and their hearts are filled with regret. Because people only realize their impulsiveness and ignorance when they lose their temper when they are calm. Thinking of the tears in the corners of the child\’s eyes, I realized how disgusting my angry appearance was. I also think about how I felt when my parents yelled at me. When many friends see me, they think my temper is much better now. Especially with children, sometimes they want to be violent, but I can still handle it calmly. This is not natural, but the result of raising children over the past few years. It can be said to be a gift from my children. I grew up with a grandma who had a super hot temper. Now that she is almost 80 years old, she still cannot stand anger and has a very short temper. So my temper has always been very irritable. I remember when I first took care of my son, I yelled at him. Once I saw him shivering as a little boy, and I felt very painful in my heart. It\’s like seeing me back then. I was often yelled at by my grandma, and my emotions were not understood. I often cry until my face turns red and my brain is swollen, and I finally fall asleep. Parents have their own reasons for losing their temper: their children are unreasonable, and three kind words are worth less than a stick. You always make mistakes again and again, and you won’t have a long memory if you don’t make mistakes. I do it for the good of my children, hitting is for kissing, scolding is for loving. …But after yelling a lot, I found that the result was different: the child became very docile and obedient, obeyed his instructions obediently, and did whatever he was told. The child stood there as if he was stunned, his little eyes full of fear. If he starts crying, he will confront you, and even lose his temper like you, stare at you, kick and hit pets at home, or smash beloved things. There is also a kind of silence, without any reaction. They are used to their parents\’ temper and have long turned a deaf ear. All cases tell us: Education when losing temper is ineffective, but counterproductive. Almost all the negative energy vented by parents is absorbed by the children. So I made up my mind to \”stop yelling.\” The child\’s emotions may seem to be the child\’s problem, but in fact they are directly related to the family and parents. Helping children manage their emotions may seem to be for the sake of the children, but in fact, it is you who ultimately succeeds.. When you meet your children, you meet your better self. Many people think it is a sentence of chicken soup. But for those who actually take action and make a difference in raising their children. This is a feeling gained through practice. We cannot control our children’s emotions and behaviors. But we must be responsible for our own emotions, and even more responsible for our actions when we lose our temper. It can be said that parents are their children\’s emotional teachers. Grumpy parents raise grumpier children. We will find that in many families, parents\’ emotional instability often affects their children\’s emotions. Many people live in a family atmosphere full of beatings, scolding and tension, and have been thinking about escaping from this \”cage\” since they were young. However, as adults, especially when I have children, I find that many of the marks I left on my body in childhood have reappeared, affecting my children. Psychology mentions that every adult has three avatars: Parent, Adult and Child. A parent who often loses his temper is an adult who is easily controlled by the \”child clone\”. When we hold our babies affectionately and watch them sleep peacefully, we feel very satisfied and feel that we can give anything to this little guy in front of us. After all, he was brought into the world by us, and we need to give them selfless support. Love with all your heart. At this time, we are parents who love our children. When we face danger, we can always handle it calmly and give our children some life guidance and suggestions. At this time, we are adults, and this is our most basic form. But when we are ignited by our children\’s behavior, we become anxious and often unable to control our emotions. We feel a sense of frustration or anxiety. If we are hit hard elsewhere, we can hide and cry, or talk to friends, but when facing our own children, we often vent our emotions by yelling and cursing to scare them and ask them to follow our instructions. The request comes. At this time, the \”child clone\” in us emerges. Therefore, most of our irritable states are controlled by our child self. Maternal-infant relationship psychologist Li Xue said: When you can\’t help but want to be hysterical about your child, you have two choices. One is to deceive yourself: I am educating my child for the sake of my child. One is introspection: I have a lot of anger and pain in my heart that needs to be realized and healed. I have also been hurt by my parents in this way. This is the karma passed down from generation to generation in our family. I am willing to know myself and grow myself through the parent-child relationship. . The unfortunate reincarnation of my family must be borne by me, and it will end with me. Everyone’s emotions are complex and changing, and they are still developing. What we often refer to as “cultivating the mind and cultivating one’s nature” is what a gentleman in Confucianism pursues throughout his life. You can see the difficulty. It would be a fantasy to say that a person can immediately change his bad temper through an article. But becoming parents gives us the opportunity to see the problems in ourselves and have enough motivation to change ourselves. Because you really love your child and are willing to change for him. We cannot fundamentally change a bad temper because it depends on the family of origin and a person’s experience and temperament.Personality is closely related. But we can manage our emotions. For example, give yourself a psychological calm space and give your emotions a release process. When our temper rises, we should not be controlled by this anger. You might as well go to another house or go to the balcony to take a breath, put aside your worries in advance, take a deep breath, and think of some good things. Don\’t always focus on your child\’s problems, but always think from different angles and standpoints, and ask yourself more questions. \”Did he try his best?\” \”Are my requirements a bit too high?\” \”Did I not figure out the real reason?\” \”Did I go too far?\” When there is such a psychological dialogue process , many times our rationality will return, and we will talk to our children calmly with the mentality of an \”adult parent\”. Instead of acting like children and hurting each other unscrupulously when the \”child clone\” emerges. When you really stop yelling, you will feel a sense of inner joy and control. Because you are not out of control, and your children have the opportunity to communicate with you. What\’s more, your children will become more emotionally stable because they don\’t have to fight you.